Jake was high on sugar and buzzing from the avalanche of caffeine he’d ingested It really seemed like he was trying to make up for eight years of soda being forbidden by drinking his lifetime’s supply in a single go. The whole way back from Brycen’s party, he’d whooped and chattered and kicked the back of my seat as I drove.
“I’m glad you had fun,“ I said to my brother.
His smile was so wide it nearly cracked his freckled face in half. “Thanks,“ he said.
I glanced in the rearview mirror and smiled back at him. Swallowing down my reservations about this party had been one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but Cooper was right. Jake was almost nine, and his heart deserved as much protection as his body did. Going out with friends was something I had to let him do. I couldn’t keep him my baby brother forever.
So I compromised. Offered to come along as an extra pair of adult eyes. I’d stayed in the shadows, out of Jake’s way, and my reward was seeing him prosper. He was nervous and overeager, but no one seemed to notice that except me.
And not a single person said a word about his hand.
Being around twelve eight and nine-year-old boys for a three-hour orgy of sugar and terrible overstimulating movies was going to have me feeling like I was hung over for the next three days. But it was all worth it to see my brother so happy.
“You’re going to go in, get washed up, and head right to bed, okay?“ I reminded him. “It’s really late. But you can sleep in tomorrow. First day of summer vacation, huh?“
That made him grin even wider. Then his face fell. “Can I go over to Brycen’s house tomorrow?“
I swallowed back my reflexive ’no.’ “We’ll see if that can happen,“ I said. “We just have to check with his mom first, okay bud?“
He nodded happily and looked out the window.
By the time we were pulling into our long drive, he was looking less manic and way more sleepy. “You’re going to pass out any minute,“ I chuckled.
“Who is that?“ he asked. Confused, I looked where he was pointing. “Is that Cooper‘s truck? What’s he doing here? Isn’t it past his bedtime too?“
“I… guess not.“ I parked the car and turned off the lights. “Hey, Jake? Run inside and get yourself into your pajamas okay? I’ll be in in a second.“
Jake wavered. I could tell he wanted to stick around and see what was going on. But he was smart enough to realize that doing what I asked was the best way to get his playdate tomorrow. “Fine,“ he grumbled and shut the back door behind him.
I waited until I heard the front door slam before I approached Cooper’s truck. “Everything okay?“ I asked as I tapped against the window.
He was sitting there with the dome light on and an unreadable expression on his face. “Was that Jake?“
“Yeah, we just got back from that party. He did really well actually.“ I gestured for him to follow me onto the porch so I could hear if Jake was really getting ready or watching TV.
He followed slowly, dragging his feet. “That’s where you were?“
I narrowed my eyes. “Yeah, I told you. That’s where we were.“
He nodded and looked down.
“Cooper?“ Something hot and nasty was twisting in my belly. “Are you here to check up on me to see if I was where I said I was? Did you think I was lying about a kid’s birthday party?“
“I just wanted to see you,“ he said, sounding glum. “And you haven’t had that much time for me lately.“
“So you decided to drive all the way out here to check up on me,“ I said flatly. “That seems a little fucked up to me.“
“I think it’s fucked up that I thought I had to, honestly.“
“What the hell do you mean by that?“
“I shouldn’t have to beg for space in your life, Willa. I’m your fucking boyfriend.“
“Yeah, you are. And you’re part of my life. But just that, a part. Not the entire fucking thing.” I twisted my hands around each other to keep from shaking him. “That’s your problem, Cooper. You expect the people around you to stop living the second you’re not with them. You did the same thing to Liam all the damn time.“
At the mention of Liam, his eyes blazed. “You’re absolutely right,“ he said coldly. “And there are definitely some things about Liam‘s life that I don’t know everything about.“
I snapped my mouth shut. Aware that we are heading into dangerous territory.
But he had already sensed it. “Yeah,“ he said. Softly, dangerously.
I tried to hold it together. After all, this was nothing I wasn’t used to. Holding my head high up against Cooper’s accusations was practically a fucking hobby of mine.
But not now. Not after everything had changed.
“Liam is my friend,” I choked. “My best friend. If I thought for one second he’d have a problem with this… that this was betraying him in some way…. Do you really think I would do it?
“I don’t know.“
It was like he’d slapped me in the face. “You don’t know.“
“No.“ His lip twisted with scorn. Scorn I hadn’t seen there in weeks. But it was back again. “No, I guess I really don’t know that for sure, do I?“
"Go home."
The scorn dropped away and he looked stricken. It took everything I had just to keep my voice steady. I reached out blindly and closed my fingers around the porch railing to steady myself so that I wouldn't suddenly drop to the ground. ”Go. Home,” I repeated.
The look on his face nearly broke my heart in two, but I had to say it. "If you still think I am capable of betraying someone..." I held up my hand as he started to protest. I needed him to stop talking because if I let him talk, let his words and his voice wash over me, it would drown out the last bit of dignity I was clinging to. "If you still believe, after all we've said, all we've done, all we've learned about each other…" Here my voice caught and I had to catch my breath, which allowed him the space to robotically mutter, "It's in the past, though."
"Is it?" Sudden fury straightened my spine and I no longer felt like I was boneless. I unclenched my fingers from the railing and shoved them right under his nose. "There's no such thing as the past when it comes to us, Cooper! It's all there, all those years we spent sniping at each other, all those bad thoughts we had, they're all right here in the present. We've had a few good weeks, but what are those in the face of so many years?" I choked and stepped back. "Clearly, these few weeks weren't enough to rewrite the past. You still think I cheated on Liam."
“I saw you."
"You saw me,” I repeated. “Yes. You've said that. But you have no idea what you actually saw."
His mouth worked. That beautiful mouth I'd relished kissing, those perfect lips that had traveled over every inch of my body, it twitched, grimaced, formed the shape of a word and then was consumed by a sneer. "You're still on that? That's still your line, even after all this time, even after the cabin?" He stepped back, shaking his head. "How well do you know me now? After... everything... you still think that'd be good enough? Just fucking say it, Willa! Say you cheated!”
I opened my mouth. He leaned forward, listening, eager. I could just tell him, right now. Exonerate myself, make him believe in me.
Except...
I promised.
And more than that, he should already believe in me. I shouldn’t need to prove myself over and over again.
I stepped back, shaking my head. "If you still think I betrayed him, there's nothing I can do." He made a noise, but I held up my hand and turned away so he wouldn't see my tears. "Ask him though, okay? Just go ask Liam."
"What the hell good will - "
"Just go!" I shouted so loud that it rang in my ears. Inside the house, the glasses rattled in the cupboards.
He looked at me. Full in the eye so that I was treated to every emotion as it passed across his face. I saw love and forgiveness in the same moment I saw hurt and heartbreak and all of them made me wish I wasn't frozen to the spot so that I could go to him and kiss his fears away. Protect him from the hurt he was feeling.
But with a rush of breath that made me stagger, I realized. I couldn't protect him from this hurt.
Because it was one that he was causing himself.
"Go ask him," I said again. Quiet. Resigned.
The hurt in his eyes turned to rage, but I didn't go to him. I didn't reassure him. This was out of my hands. So I held my head high. And kept it high when he turned on his heel and stormed off the porch and into his truck, slamming the door so loudly it sounded like a gunshot.
Only then did I let myself cry.
Not for him. Not over him and the way he was breaking my heart.
I cried for myself.