I was afraid he’d stay there forever. Because I knew that I could only hold out for so long. The sight of Cooper sitting crumpled and heartbroken was too much for me to stand.
But he eventually got up. Dusted himself off. And left in his truck, the thudding rumble of his engine still audible miles and miles away.
Or maybe that was just the sound of my heart breaking. Hearing that sound was the last clear moment I could point to.
After that, everything went gray.
The days slid by in a numb sort of blur. I moved like I was underwater. Everything I tried to do seemed to take a concerted amount of effort, effort I couldn’t muster the strength to exert.
I was forgetful, careless. I dropped things constantly. I forgot to put Jake's swimsuit in his book-bag and he missed out on a camp field trip to Ganagua Lake. And I could barely do more than shrug when he griped about it. "Maybe remembering your things should be your job from now on," I muttered.
He looked at me, opened his mouth, blinked when he saw my expression, then just nodded and walked away.
"Huh," I said aloud. That was huge. For both of us. I should be feeling... something about this milestone. But there was nothing there. No joy at him accepting responsibility, no sorrow at how fast he was growing up.
Even the sound of my phone vibrating seemed muted. Like I was stuck under glass. I picked it up, staring at it without comprehension, wondering vaguely if there was something wrong with it, whether I'd accidentally turned the sound down low. Then I stared at the screen and wondered what that combination of letters was supposed to mean.
It wasn't until it went to voicemail that I remembered. I had a friend named Claire, and she was probably leaving me a very sarcastic voicemail right now. I weighed the idea of just ignoring it.
But something old, some deep primal part of me, lurched to life and squeezed past the glass barrier between the world and me to press the call back button.
She answered before the first ring had even finished. “Where are you?“
I blinked. Where was I? I actually had to think about that. “At home, why?“
“It’s Thursday."
I opened my mouth to protest. No, it couldn’t possibly be Thursday. Except, was I sure of that? Time seemed to be stretching and pulling and twisting around itself like taffy. “It is?“
Claire sighed heavily. “Yeah. It is. And you definitely need to get your ass out here.“
I struggled to understand the impossible thing she was asking of me. Get my ass... somewhere? Leave my house? Risk seeing him? Things that reminded me of him? Everything reminded me of him so no, that wasn't possible, thank you.
But that essential part of me, the deep-down essence of Willa lumbered to life again. "I guess it's... been a while." I closed my eyes and pictured it. Sitting around a table, laughing with my friends again. Spotting Sadie a buck for the jukebox. Cackling with laughter as Claire regaled us with stories from work. Pressing Ruby for details on her wedding plans and making her blush furiously.
I missed them. They were my friends. As much as they were his. He could take himself away, but he couldn't take them away.
Then the angle shifted in my mind's eye. And instead of seeing my girlfriends, I saw Cooper sitting in his usual chair. Being the glue that held us all together. Being the center, with everyone circling him like spokes on a wheel. In our group of friends, he was the necessary one.
I pressed my lips together. “Are you sure? Wouldn’t it be better if I… didn’t come?“
“Better for who?“ Claire sounded genuinely confused.
“Better for everyone,” I said. “With me there wouldn't it get… weird?” I shook my head. "I don't want to cause any problems. I can just stay home."
Claire muttered something.
"What?
"I'm not even going there with you, Willa. After all, that’s happened, are you honestly telling me that you don’t need a drink?“
I blew out a long exhale. Yeah, I needed one. Badly. “I still think I should stay home.“
“If I don’t see you here in the next ten minutes, I’m coming and kidnapping you. Enough is enough. Stop worrying about what everyone’s going to think. You’ll know soon enough, won’t you?“
She had a point.
But when I stood in front of the Crown, it took everything within me not to turn around and head right back into the car. I peeked in the window, then turned around and scanned the parking lot.
No sign of his truck.
Why did that feel disappointing?