“There she is!” Claire cried from the table in the back.
I didn’t return her wave until I’d hurriedly scanned the crowd that was gathered around our usual table. My heart leaped as I counted Claire, Sadie, Ruby, Avery, and Olivia as the only ones there.
My friends. My allies. No one who I considered on Cooper’s team had arrived yet.
Maybe this would be okay.
Ruby gave me a gentle smile as I sat down between her and Claire. “Glad you could make it out,” she said. “You’ve had some week, I hear.”
I could barely remember it. Everything was still in a haze. “Guess so,” I sighed, then smiled at Avery as she slid a drink into my hand.
“We’re toasting,” she informed me.
“What are we toasting?”
“Avery’s putting herself back out there again,” Claire explained, butting in like she always did. “Two years of celibacy was apparently enough.”
“You’re dating again?” I tried to process this news. Avery’s last real relationship had been horrible, and she still bore the scars of what that creep had done to her. Two years of fits and starts and a whole parade of losers had her swearing off men entirely. At least it had been that way last I knew. But here she was smiling and looking happy about the idea of trying again.
“Well not exactly.” She toyed with her glass. “But I have a profile up.”
“Where, OkCupid?” Sadie wanted to know.
"Oh God, no, that was a disaster, remember Mr. Nose Fetish? I mean it's fine to have a thing, but you maybe should wait to reveal it until after the first date has gone well?"
We all laughed. God, I needed to laugh. “Good for you though."
She looked at me oddly. "What? You're not going to insist on being there to vet every candidate before I reply?"
I could remember doing something like that. But it didn't seem necessary for some reason. "I think I trust your judgment."
The entire table gasped. “What?” I wondered.
Claire looked at Sadie, who nodded. "Jesus, it's freezing in here." Sadie rubbed her pale arms. Then looked at me expectantly.
"What?" I was so lost.
"Can I have it?"
"What?"
"The hoodie?" Sadie prompted. "You always have a hoodie in your purse."
“Not tonight.” It vaguely occurred to me that that was strange. I always brought an extra hoodie. Especially for forgetful Sadie who was never dressed right for the weather. She’d built up a whole collection of my jackets and sweaters that she’d claimed as her own.
But I hadn't thought to bring anything for her tonight.
And I also didn't feel guilty about it either. "Sorry,” I shrugged.
“Mom’s taking the night off,” Avery observed, lifting her glass. “I’ll drink to that, Willa. About time.”
After the toast, Olivia leaned forward and lowered her voice. "Did you guys hear what happened with Naomi and Ryan?"
Claire huffed dramatically. “When are they going to stop this weird courtship dance and get it over with?"
"Well.” Livvy’s green eyes gleamed to be the one with the gossip. “It’s probably either happening right now or not happening at all. So the guy she was dating? He saw how she and Ryan always say goodbye."
"Oh no!” My hands flew to my mouth. “The hand kissing?"
"That probably didn't go over too well,” Claire deadpanned.
Ruby’s hand was over her heart. ”I mean, we all know it's just how Ryan is, but how was this guy supposed to know?”
Livvy nodded. “I think Naomi tried to tell him that. Anyway, she's really pissed at Ryan now."
"Poor guy, he’s probably blindsided. I bet he has no idea what he even did wrong."
"For real, it's not like they haven't been doing this since time immemorial…” The door opened, and she caught herself. “Shit.” She blushed furiously.
I turned to see that Naomi was walking in alone. It was weird to see her not laughing on Ryan's arm.
But that wasn't who Livvy was looking at.
Cooper was following behind Naomi. He stopped short and stared when he saw me sitting at the table already.
"Don't," Claire muttered as she saw me move to push my chair back.
But I was already grabbing my purse. “No, it's fine, he can sit. I just... I'll go."
"No." Cooper came over to the table. The blue of his eyes made something dead spark to life inside of me and I had to look away before I smiled at him by accident. “Willa, it’s fine. You don't have to go."
"Did you want to sit here…?” I babbled, clumsily pushing back my chair and nearly knocking Ruby’s drink from her hand.
"I'll go," he interrupted. “If you want me to."
"No, it’s fine."
We were caught in a desperate waltz of politeness. "I think I preferred it when you two spent the whole time bitching at each other," Sadie cracked.
Cooper looked at her. I looked at him. Just being near him was like the mists burning off the fields at dawn. The haze rose. Pulled away. I was feeling again.
Feeling the wrong things.
Cooper looked at the crowd at the table, all watching us with rapt attention. “We can both be here, right Willa?”
I wanted him to call me babe. "Sure," I squeaked, nodding too fast. “It’s fine. Just like old times, right? Like nothing ever changed."
He licked his lips. “Ah, can I talk to you alone for a sec?”
Before I could protest, he had me by the hand and was dragging me over to a corner away from the sharp ears of our friends. He turned to me with a wild look in his eyes. “I don't want it to be like nothing ever changed. I still feel for you, Willa. And I know I said this already, but still… I am so so sorry."
"Cooper." I wanted the haze back. Then I wouldn't feel like every word he said was a knife slipped under my ribs. "I already told you. You should have believed me. Please don't."
"Willa, how many times can I say I'm sorry? I know. I know I should have believed you."
My voice cracked. I was cracking. “You should have."
"My mom moved out," he blurted. "She's crashing on my couch."
I blinked. That was news. "And your dad?"
He shrugged. "He actually had the nerve to act surprised that she asked for a divorce."
"That's... good though, right?"
I expected him to be grinning in triumph, but he shook his head. "I've been thinking about how this was going to happen for so long, but now that it finally is, it is scary how things have changed. I get used to things being the way they always were. I get comfortable there. Maybe you could even call it a rut." He looked at me pleadingly. “My mom said she’d stayed for my sake, but realized she was in a rut too. It took her way too long to realize it. You shook me out of my rut, Willa. You showed me that loyalty to the past kills your present." He looked down. "And your future."
I caught my breath. It was more than I had ever expected from him. And that I hadn’t expected it at all told me all I needed to know about us. "We're still stuck, Cooper. We’re a record in a groove, playing the same song over and over again. I don't think we'll ever be able to see each other clearly without the wrong idea clouding our vision."
"Willa. I love you."
"Don't."
"I love you and I want to make this work."
"It won’t. We can't."
"We can. Don't do what I did. Don't judge me by the things you assume about me. Let me show you who I am.”
I inhaled sharply. "That's not what I'm doing. I'm being realistic."
"You're being stupid."
"There it is."
"What?”
"You being a dick." I stepped back. "I knew it would come out eventually."
He glared at me. If I had to hold myself together one more second, I would break. I knew it. I could feel it welling up from deep inside of me. I love you too, it wanted to shout. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
But he broke just a second before I did and turned away. Which meant I could hold my head up, silent and dignified, and wholly together until he walked out of the bar.
Then I fell to pieces. Everything I hadn't been able to feel hit me at once.
“Oh fuck.” Claire was next to me in a second, wrapping her arms around me and leading me back to the table. Sadie produced a hoodie, one of mine I think, and wrapped it around me like a blanket while Livvy went to the bar for some water. I cried and cried as they soothed me, and I felt bad that I’d ruined the night.
But I also felt wonderful that I hadn't done this alone.
"You did good kiddo,” Avery encouraged as she patted my hand. “God, he’s so clueless.”
“He’s really slow on the uptake,” agreed Sadie. “And that's saying something coming from me."
But Claire wasn’t joining in the chorus of female support. Her scowl was downright terrifying. “I mean, yeah, he should have believed you,” she started to say, and we all quieted down to listen. She lifted her hands and curled her fingers. “But right now, the person whose throat I most want to wrap my hands around is Liam’s.”
I startled. “Liam? Why? He has nothing to do with this.”
“He has everything to do with this, are you kidding me?” She clapped her hands together. “I get he was scared and shit, but come the fuck on.” She held up her finger, stabbing it in the air. “One word. That’s all he needed to do was say one word and none of this would have happened.” She dropped her voice into a manly register and looked to one side. “Hey Liam, did Willa cheat on you back in high school?” Then turned and answered herself with, “No! See that’s one word!”
She stood up. “That’s all he had to do to prevent all this. I’m calling his cowardly ass right now, this is bullshit.”
“Claire, no!”
“Cooper’s owned up to the way he fucked up. Has Liam?” When I stayed silent, she nodded and said gently. “I get why you’re pissed, Willa, but I don’t think it’s at the right person.”
Then she swiped at her screen and held the phone up to her ear. “Yeah, Mulligan?” She looked right at me as she told him, “I’ve got a bone to pick with you.”
Ruby gripped my wrist tightly to prevent me from following after Claire as she stalked through the front door with her phone to her ear. “She’s right. Let her go.”
“She doesn’t need to –“
“Yeah, she does. We all see how bad the two of you are hurting over this. Let us try to help.”
Tears slipped down my face and Ruby rubbed circles on my back. “Jeez, you’ve had a time of it, haven’t you? You need a night to unwind. Just to yourself."
I snorted through my tears. “How the hell am I going to do that? Mom got switched to the night shift. Only reason I’m out tonight is it was a slow night, so she got sent home.”
Ruby lowered her eyes. "You know, you do have a teacher for a friend. And she’s had a lot of experience with kids."
I stared at her. “You?"
She nodded. "Just ask me. I'd love to watch him some night."
“I can too,” Sadie agreed. “I’ll bring Livvy over with me too, so you know I’m not going to like, set the house on fire by accident or something.”
Livvy laughed and leaned forward to clasp my hands as I cried even harder. ”You're always helping us, Willa. Let us help you.”