It felt like the entire world belonged to him and Riley. No one else existed. Nothing else mattered except for the moment. The night was theirs.
They left the football field as one a.m. drew near. Although the hour was late, they didn’t care.
They drove.
The streets of Berkeley were empty. Even the ghosts were sleeping. With the windows down, they cruised across the quiet city and made their way to the elusive bridge. The brisk night air filled the car and their lungs, invigorating them, pushing them forward like a hundred dark dares.
I’ve never felt so alive.
On the radio was a slow and beautiful love song. To Victor, Riley had picked the perfect song for the moment. The words were written for them. The melody was an echo of the unspeakable rhythm they shared. Victor believed every word the girl sang, feeling her heart connect with his. He glanced over at Riley and knew the night was perfect.
Minutes later, they were on the bridge, crossing it together for the first time. The bay waved beneath them like a rippling blanket. The dark water was a net to catch any anguish they’d ever known. Broken remnants from their stolen childhoods flew away and were swallowed by the hungry wind. Only pure adrenaline remained. It surged through them like a thousand watts, crackling beneath their skin and illuminating their veins with a thirst for life and each other.
Victor knew a night like this would never happen again. He recognized the weight and the brevity of the magic, knowing it could never be repeated. Never again would they experience this euphoria, this incredible state of bliss.
The lights of San Francisco looked like glowing flowers, blossoms beating in sync with his rapid pulse. He wanted to brush his fingertips across the skyline and touch them. He knew if he did, they would sparkle even brighter, burst into a million more mystic petals and blooms.
Riley drove them to the top of a hill. From there, Victor was certain he could see the edge of the universe. It beckoned to him. They got out of the car at Riley’s urging. Basking in the stark white glow of the headlights, they held on to each other, swaying to the hypnotic song that was now the definition of their love. The city was their majestic backdrop, glimmering with a promise they would never again know hurt or shame.
Victor held the man he loved in his arms. He was certain he could feel Riley’s heart beat against his own as they danced, chest to chest, overwhelmed by their shared desire and the enchantment of San Francisco.
This must be what forever feels like.
Victor glanced up to the telephone wires above, black dashes crisscrossing against the black velvet sky like lines on an empty page waiting to be filled with letters and words. Everything Victor had ever tried to express but had never spoken became clear to him. He never wanted to leave the hilltop, but he knew morning would soon come.
Riley will always have this memory of us. He will know how much I loved him.
“What do you wanna do?” Victor whispered.
Riley clung to him even tighter and replied, “Close my eyes and count to infinity.”
*
Later, they sat in a red vinyl booth at an all-night diner. The place was empty. Over cups of hot chocolate and bowls of banana pudding, they shared their hopes for a future, baring their souls. Riley talked about his love for baseball. He asked Victor about his childhood, his favorite memories, the songs that made the soundtrack of his life. The minutes crept by without warning, each one bringing them closer to dawn.
Once the sun started to appear, Victor knew it was time.
“Let’s go home,” he told Riley.
Riley yawned before he spoke. “Do we have to?”
“It’s morning,” he said. “You haven’t slept.”
“I don’t wanna sleep.”
“Neither do I,” Victor said. “Never again.”
Riley looked into his eyes. “I wish that was possible.”
“Isn’t it?”
A moment passed between them in which they spoke without words. Riley looked at him from the across the table. It made Victor feel self-conscious to be stared at for so long. “What are you thinking?” he asked Riley.
“I’ll never forget this night, Toro,” Riley vowed.
This made Victor happy to hear. “Good,” he said. “That’s exactly what I wanted.”
“Are you excited about going away?” Riley asked once they were in the car and heading to the apartment complex.
The question caught Victor off guard. “What?” he said.
“To Florida? I’ve never been there,” said Riley. “It’s kinda cool to think about going somewhere for the first time.”
“Yeah,” Victor agreed. “I know what you mean.”
The city was starting to come back to life when they pulled into the empty parking space just outside of the first-floor apartment. A light was on inside.
Good. Emily’s already awake. Riley’s going to need her.
Victor choked back the intense emotions flooding his body. It was difficult to look Riley in the eye knowing what he was going to do. He glanced down to the cell phone in his hand, rereading the anonymous text he’d received while they were at the football field.
After we kill you, we’re shooting your faggot boyfriend in the head.
Victor wondered who had sent the message.
I bet it was Paco. He’s always hated me. He’ll finally have Los Reyes to himself. He’ll finally be the leader he always wanted to be.
Victor knew the words were true. As long as Victor was around, Riley was surrounded by an invisible threat of danger.
If I don’t leave now, Riley and his mother will never make it to Florida.
“I hear it’s sunny there,” Victor said, not quite ready to say good-bye. “And they have nice beaches.”
“Yeah,” Riley said. “Maybe I can finally learn to swim.”
“I’m sure life will be better,” he said, “for you and for your mom.”
“For us,” Riley reminded him with a grin.
Victor fell quiet. He used the moment of silence to stare at Riley. He wanted to take all of it with him: his beautiful brown eyes, his adorable smile, the way his hair always fell into his eyes, his soft hands, the sound of his voice.
I’ve never loved anyone in my life as much as I love you, Riley Brewer.
Victor knew if he didn’t leave, he might convince himself to stay.
But what good would that do? We’d both be dead within hours. It wouldn’t be long before Los Reyes or Los Soldados found me. Killed us both.
Victor sent one last text before he turned to Riley and asked, “Can you pop the trunk? I need to get my backpack. It has my homework in it.”
“You’re thinking about homework right before graduation?” he said. “After we’ve been up all night?”
“I think I’ll go get us some coffee and those doughnuts your mom likes so much.”
“Do you want me to go with you?” Riley asked.
“No,” he said. “You go inside. Your mom probably needs some help finishing up the packing. She works too hard.”
“Do you need cash?”
“No, I got it covered.”
Riley pushed a button near the steering wheel. Victor heard the trunk click open. He opened the car door, then stopped. “Riley,” he said, “thank you for taking me to the other side of the bridge.”
“Did you like it?” he asked. “Was it worth the wait?”
Victor nodded, hoping he wouldn’t cry. “Definitely.” He leaned across the car and kissed Riley’s cheek.
He went to the trunk. Into his backpack he shoved the coil of thick, white rope. He slammed the trunk shut and watched Riley move across the parking lot.
Riley stopped and looked back. “I’ll be waiting for you,” he said. “So don’t be gone for very long.”
Victor waited until Riley was safe inside the apartment before he turned in the opposite direction of the nearby doughnut shop and started to walk away. With each step, it became more difficult to hold his tears back.
Finally, he let them fall.
*
Victor found himself on Telegraph Avenue, which was still fast asleep. He liked the stillness the early hour provided. There was calm and it was everywhere. He stopped in front of his favorite pizza parlor and gazed through the front window at the table he and Riley had shared on many occasions. Aside from the pier and the art studio, it was one of their favorite places to be together.
Fuck. I miss him already. I want to go back.
Victor was aware of the sound of panting. It was coming from behind. He turned. He looked down. A familiar German shepherd sat down near his feet and looked up at him.
“Hello,” Victor greeted.
On the sidewalk in front of the pizza place, the woman Victor remembered from months ago was setting up her makeshift shop for the day. He glanced up and down the street. They seemed to be the only people around, like two lost souls.
Either she’s an early riser or this spot is a prime location.
He watched her set up her jewelry displays with precision and ease. Each fluid movement indicated she’d done this a hundred times before. He stared at the beautiful turquoise in awe.
The woman was older, like she should’ve been someone’s mother. She had long blond dreadlocks, bright green eyes, and a silver piercing in her nose. She was wearing a blue plaid button-up shirt that was at least two sizes too big for her. Her jeans were ripped at the knees. Her cowboy boots were scuffed. They looked like she’d walked at least a hundred miles in them.
She leashed up her dog and gave him a few sturdy pats on the back. He wagged his tail in response.
“Does your dog bite?” Victor asked, kneeling down.
She opened up a collapsible chair and sat down in it. She reached for a to-go cup of coffee and took a sip. “No, he’s a sweetheart,” she said. “His name’s Domino.”
“Domino,” Victor repeated. “I like that. Where did the name came from?”
The woman reached into a beaded purse and pulled out a pack of smokes and a book of matches. She struck one and lit a cigarette. “He reminds me about the connection between things.”
“You mean how everything’s related?” he asked.
She nodded and exhaled. A cloud of smoke floated above their heads. “Yes, exactly,” she said. “Like how we found each other.”
He gave her a strange look. “Me and you?”
She smiled. “Well, yeah. That, too. But me and Domino,” she said. “Think about it. Out of all the shelters I happened to walk into that day, I went to the one he was at.”
Victor nodded. “You’re talking about destiny.”
She reached for her coffee. “Destiny. Fate. Call it whatever you want. He knew I was out there and I was lonely. He knew I needed him.” She took another drag and flicked her ashes into the street behind her. “Maybe I was his destiny.”
Victor looked at her. It was apparent she had been through some hard times. She was worn out and rough around the edges. “I think I just figured out what mine is,” he explained.
Her delivery was deadpan. “Must be exciting for you.”
Victor sniffed. The tears were threatening to come back at any second. “More like I don’t have any other choice,” he said.
“No,” she said. She waved a finger at him. “Everyone’s got choices.”
“But what do you do if none of them are good ones?”
She offered him a cigarette. He took one. His hands shook as he lit his smoke with a match. He wished he would’ve met this stranger sooner. He knew they could’ve been good friends.
“Easy,” she said. “You start all over again.”
He inhaled. It had been a while since he smoked. It felt good. It was familiar. He exhaled and said, “I plan to.”
“There’s a coffee shop on the corner that’s open,” she told him. “In case you want some.”
“No, I’m good.”
“You usually hang out in front of pizza places this early in the morning?” she said. “I don’t think they open until ten on Saturdays.”
“I didn’t come here for pizza,” he said. “I needed to say good-bye.”
She raised an eyebrow. “You leaving town?”
“Yeah, I am,” said Victor. “And this place is kinda special to me.”
“It’s just a building,” she reminded him. “But if you say it’s special, I believe you.”
He turned back to the window imagining Riley sitting inside and waiting for him with a slice of pepperoni and a Vanilla Coke. Later they could go the pier and look at the view and laugh at inside jokes. That night, they could crawl into bed together and lie naked in each other’s arms.
Victor’s new friend cleared her throat to get his attention. He turned back in her direction. She had her hand outreached. Something was in her palm. “Here,” she said.
He moved closer to inspect. “What’s this?” he asked.
“It’s for you,” she said with what looked like her version of a smile.
He looked down at the smooth round turquoise rock in her hand. “I don’t have very much money,” he said. “How much is it?”
She looked like she wanted to punch him in the face. “It’s a gift,” she explained. “Take it.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I do,” she said. She placed it in his hand and closed his fist around it. “It’s from me and Domino. We both sense you need some protection. That’s what turquoise does. That’s why I sell it. It’s the talisman of many warriors.”
“I used to be one,” he said. “A warrior.”
She raised her coffee in a toast to him. “You’re not anymore?” she asked.
He shook his head and said, “I gave up fighting for love.”
“Yeah, you look like you’ve seen your fair share of battles,” she said. “So have I, to tell you the truth. Each one takes a little more out of you, doesn’t it?”
He slid the brightly colored rock into the front pocket of his jeans. “I think they got the best of me,” he told her. “I don’t wanna fight anymore.”
“I hear you,” she said. “Why do you think I’m out here at the crack of dawn? I spend as much time in this spot as I can. It gives me a reason to get up in the morning, you know? I got a purpose. Something to do.”
“I came here for my first time a few months ago.”
“And I bet you’ve never been the same since.”
“Yeah, something like that.”
“That’s what everybody says about this street,” she said. “There’s no other place like it in the world. I love Berkeley.”
“I live closer to Oakland,” said Victor. “I go to East Berkeley High.”
“And you just started hanging out on Telegraph a few months ago?” she said. “Where you been, kid?”
“You wouldn’t even believe me if I told you.”
“That bad?”
“It used to be,” he said. “And I didn’t even realize it.”
“Is that why you’re moving on?”
“It’s for the best,” he said. “It’s the right thing to do.”
“Well, don’t let me stop you,” she said. “If you ever come back this way, stop by to say hello. I’m sure me and Domino will still be here. At least, I hope so. One never knows, right?”
“Right,” he said with a slight nod.
“I hope you get to wherever you’re going, kid.”
“Me, too,” he said. “I’m heading to school now.”
“School?” she repeated. “On a Saturday? You got detention or something?”
“No,” he said. “It’s my last stop.”
“The end of your journey?”
He nodded. “Thank you for the turquoise.”
She finished her coffee and reached for her pack of smokes and matches. “Keep it on you at all times and you’ll be safe,” she told him.
He started to walk away but he stopped. He had one more question. He turned back. “Hey, what’s your name?”
She looked at him and said, “Hope.”
*
Twenty minutes later, Victor was standing on the fifty-yard line. He sighed with relief, knowing his long journey was finally coming to an end. He’d made it to his destination.
He dropped his backpack on the ground. The grass was still damp with morning dew. Soon, the day would heat up and the sun would cover the city with a tiring temperature. People would beg for relief with a nice breeze from the bay. If you stood just right, especially in the shade, it would hit you like a small wave of cooling pleasure.
But the day was still young. The air had a refreshing chill to it, a bite. Victor closed his eyes for a moment, welcoming the solitude of the field and the sensation of the June morning against his skin. He listened to the gentle sounds. He heard birds. They were chirping. Their voices were sweet and high as if they were chattering with one another, sharing the details of their feathered lives. Beyond them he heard a few cars passing by in the distance. The hum of engines was muffled by the cluster of oak trees lining the back side of the field, creating a natural sound barrier. He imagined people driving to an early Saturday morning breakfast because they woke up craving pancakes. Some were heading out to a garage sale. Others were just coming home from a long night of work, yawning and anxious to crawl into the softness of their beds.
He hoped somebody loved them.
Victor opened his eyes. He squinted in the sun, its rays starting to intensify. Time was passing. The day was moving forward whether everyone wanted it to or not.
I gotta do this.
He looked at the white goal posts. They loomed in front of him, waiting. They were shaped like a giant squared U, with a curved pole in its middle, holding the posts up and suspending them above the ground.
Victor smiled at the irony that in four years he’d never once attended a football game. He’d never cared enough to go. It wasn’t his thing. He imagined for a second the aluminum bleachers were full of screaming fans. Cheerleaders in uniforms in their school colors of blue and white were standing on the track cheering him on. They were smiling, beaming, filled with excitement. One was doing backflips. The other was shaking pom-poms, revving up the crowd. The bleachers were filled to maximum capacity. People were standing, chanting his name, softly at first and then their voices turned into a roar. They stomped their feet against metal, creating a violent jungle-like rhythm.
It’s now or never. I can’t let them down.
Victor unzipped his backpack, reached inside, and retrieved the white coil of rope. He pulled on it, making sure it was strong enough.
This will do the job. Thanks, Dad.
He glanced down at the backpack one last time. The frayed corner edge of a textbook was poking out. Riley had been so encouraging about finishing school, about sticking to something and seeing it through, about staying up late at night and doing homework together.
Then Mrs. Aguilar had summoned him to his office.
“Victor, you’ve really turned things around for yourself,” she said when he sat down across from her. For the first time in four years, she smiled at him.
“I have someone who believes in me,” he told her. “He’s helping me a lot—with homework, with life.”
“Well, whatever you’re doing, it’s working. All of your teachers have commented to me about how hard you’ve been working to get your grades up. It’s really impressive.”
“Will it be enough?” he asked her. “To graduate in June?”
She lowered her eyes and said, “No. Probably not. You’ll definitely have to do summer school this year. But if you keep up this great work, I don’t see why you wouldn’t be able to graduate next year.”
He could feel all hope fade while he sat in her tiny-ass office. “Another year?”
He stood up and walked out of her office. Out in the hallway he saw them: the kids who had been given more chances than he had since the second they were born into this fucked-up world. They didn’t even have to try very hard and they had everything. It was handed to them. They thought they deserved it just because they existed. None of them would’ve been able to do the things he had done. They wouldn’t have lasted a day in his neighborhood.
Victor kicked the backpack out of his path, hoping the textbook was destroyed. Maybe the sprinklers would come on later and drown the thing like it deserved. All of them. Every book he’d read and studied and tried to understand. None of it mattered.
Fuck this school. And all the idiots who are graduating. I was too busy running shit and burying my homeboys to make it to class, you assholes. They should give me a diploma just for surviving as long as I have.
The one thing he had never expected to do was fall in love. Riley had blindsided him, coming out of nowhere with his hopeful heart and beautiful words. And then his mother—she had been so good to him. No matter what he did he knew he would never be able to thank her for all that she’d done for him, just by letting him stay with them.
He worried about Riley’s reaction once he found what Victor had done.
I should’ve written him a note. I should’ve explained. No. I don’t want to leave my words behind, only memories.
Victor flashed back to a time in his life before Riley was there, when he prided himself on not letting it show, when he was king of the neighborhood and people feared him and were waiting to see if he could regain the glory Los Reyes had lost over the years. Paco was always waiting in the wings for the perfect chance to take over and put Victor in his place. Now that he knew the truth about Victor, there would be no escaping. There would be a heavy price to pay. He’d never make it to Florida next week. And Riley would be in danger, too, as long as he lived.
Victor remembered trying to convince himself he could fall in love with Isabella. He could marry her, have some kids, get a house, find a job with benefits, and hang out on the weekends kicking back, barbecuing, and drinking beer.
Yet Victor knew that life would never be his. He could never become what they wanted him to. Because no matter how hard he tried, he wasn’t like them.
He dragged the rope behind as he moved across the wet grass. Blades stuck to the sides of his favorite pair of old Converse. The ground felt soft beneath his feet. Soon, the earth would have him back. And Riley would be safe.
He strategized the best way to climb to the horizontal bar above his head, to reach the cylinder he would tie one end of the rope around. He just had to get up there, the bottom of the U.
This is going to be more difficult than it looks.
Victor draped the rope across his shoulders and shimmied up the curved pole in the center of the goal posts. By the time he reached the bar, he was sweating. He sat on the sturdy line. From there, he had the perfect view of the entire football field. He glanced down to the grass, to the white emblazoned numbers and dashes. He was up higher than he thought he would be. There was no chance his feet would be able to touch ground once he dropped.
I’m not as strong as I used to be. Love has softened me. Damn it, Riley. You’re making me have second thoughts. Why did you have to fall in love with me?
Victor thought about Florida. The move had been on his mind since Riley suggested it. Maybe it could’ve been the saving grace Riley thought it would be. Maybe life would be sweet. But now, Victor knew he was never going to Florida with his new family. And Riley would realize Victor wasn’t the one for him after all.
People fall out of love all the time.
Victor balanced himself on the bar. Carefully, he tied and triple-knotted one end of the rope around the spherical base of the goal posts. He yanked on it hard to make sure it would hold him. Satisfied, he glanced out across the field.
In the far distance, he saw two cars arrive almost at the same time. They pulled into the parking lot next to the chain-link fence that provided the football field with very little protection from trespassers.
What the hell? Someone’s here? Now? This early?
The arrival of unexpected people motivated Victor to speed things along. He knew time was of the essence now, more than ever.
He wrapped the other end of the rope around his neck and formed three knots as quickly as he could. A rush of adrenaline swept through him, causing his hands and mouth to tremble. Sweat rolled down the middle of his back as the anticipation started to grow.
Riley will be safe. Soon. Almost there.
The last knot was secured. All that was left to do was drop.
Victor closed his eyes for a brief moment. He whispered a prayer to God, asking for Riley and Emily to be spared as much grief as possible and for their new life in Florida to be filled with good times. He smiled, thinking about both of them and seeing them in his mind. His thoughts shifted to his family. He begged God to forgive his mother for being such a cold woman and to allow his sister to become the success everyone knew she could. He thought about his father but found that, when he did, his sadness only deepened. He hoped the man found peace someday and followed his dream of becoming a magician.
And, now. It’s my turn to disappear.
Victor opened his eyes. From the opposite end of the football field, he saw them. Two women, approaching. He squinted. One was his mother. The other was Emily.
Alma must’ve told someone about the text I sent to her. Damn it. She can never keep her mouth shut. I don’t want them here. I don’t want to be saved.
For a brief second, Victor remembered Jorge and his birthday party when he was seven. He had been scared to hit the piñata, worried he would hurt it somehow.
But sometimes the pain has to be knocked right out of you. Hard.
Victor heard the scream. Someone was begging him to stop. Their voice was getting nearer. His mother was down. She fell on the forty-yard line while running toward her son.
She just got tackled by life.