9
Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?
Your Cat and Other Family Members
Relationships can be difficult. When you add multiple species into the mix, they can become downright overwhelming. There’s so much to learn—you have to understand how your spouse communicates, how your cat communicates, and how your dog communicates. Not to mention ferrets, birds, hamsters, snakes, and all the other interesting family members we acquire. Then there are children—just when you think you understand them, they grow a year older and enter an entirely different phase—but that’s a whole other book in itself.
Although I can’t help you through the challenges of getting human family members to get along, I can help you ease your cat through some of those stressful family transitions. As much as you may try to create a low-stress environment for your cat, at some point in life, changes will probably occur in the family if they haven’t already. Perhaps you’ve added a second cat and now there’s a turf war going on, or maybe a new baby came into the family. You may even have had a whole new family come into your life in the form of a new spouse with children from a previous marriage. Regardless of whether the change happened quite a while ago or is just on the horizon, the proper behavior modification can ease much of the resulting stress and improve relationships between your cat and his new family members.
IS YOUR CAT MEANT TO BE THE ONLY CAT IN THE HOME?
Although companionship is wonderful for most cats, some are better off being the only cat in the home. If your cat is exceptionally territorial, aggressive, or terribly frightened of most things, he may not adjust well to sharing his turf with another feline.
The introduction of a second cat will initially be viewed negatively by just about any cat, but if your cat has had trouble adjusting to other changes in his life, regardless of how gradually you’ve introduced them, then he may not be a candidate for a companion. Think carefully about what’s best for your cat before deciding to add to your feline family.
The decision to add a second cat shouldn’t be made impulsively. A bad match may set both cats up for a lifetime of stress and behavior problems. If your cat currently has a behavior problem such as elimination outside the box, fear of strangers, or biting, you should work on correcting those issues before adding to his stress by introducing another kitty.
If you’re concerned that your cat is lonely or bored but feel he wouldn’t do well with a companion cat, use the behavior modification techniques described in this book to create a more stimulating environment, increase playtime opportunities, and recruit family members to take part in helping the cat stay active and occupied.
DISLIKE OR FEAR OF THE NEW CAT IN THE HOME
Starting from scratch with a proper introduction
Your intentions were the best when you decided to get a companion cat for your resident kitty. You thought he was lonely and would enjoy having a playmate to romp around with. Based on his reaction to the newcomer, though, you may be seriously doubting your decision. Maybe you haven’t gotten the new cat yet but are dreading the moment when you bring him home because of the horror stories your friends have told about the times they added a cat to the household.
Even if the cats have been together for some time and you have only now realized that you incorrectly introduced the new cat, it’s not too late. Just start from scratch and go back to the beginning as if they never met. It’s much better to wipe the slate clean and begin the right way than to continue down the wrong road. Whether the cats have yet to see each other or have been in a standoff for a few hours, days, weeks, or months, if there’s stress in the relationship, start over again.
How you introduce the new cat lays the groundwork for how the cats will view each other. If you just put the newcomer into the home, you’re setting them both up to feel threatened, stressed, frightened, and hostile. Even if your resident cat was best buddies with a previous cat in the home, the introduction of an unfamiliar kitty must be done with finesse and sensitivity.
Cats are territorial and you have to understand their need for territorial security in order to do a successful introduction. Even at that, the introduction will have its ups and downs and your resident cat will have his doubts about the new situation or new family member. If introduced properly, however, those fears will be kept to a minimum.
CATWISE CAUTION 
Before bringing a newcomer into the home, make sure he has been tested for contagious diseases, vaccinated, de-wormed, and is otherwise in good health. If he isn’t healthy, keep him separated until he is before exposing him to your resident cat. The newcomer also needs time to recuperate without the stress of dealing with an unfamiliar and hostile cat. Make sure your resident cat is also up-to-date on appropriate vaccinations and in good health before attempting an introduction.
The introduction must be gradual and positive in order to address the needs of both cats. The resident cat has a well-established turf, and if you just dump a newcomer into the room, your kitty will feel as if his home is being invaded. He’ll view the newcomer as an intruder and will either run the stranger out or hide in panic now that his territory is no longer safe. The newcomer needs a gradual and positive introduction because he’s being placed into a totally unfamiliar environment, which from his perspective is probably hostile, since there is already another cat there. If you put him in the middle of your home with no preparation, he has the overwhelming task of finding his way around, determining how hostile his opponent is, and attempting to find some unclaimed turf in which to remain safe. Failing that, he’s likely to issue a preemptive strike and be the first one to show hostility. For both cats, abrupt introductions will cause them to go into survival mode, and they’ll start out their relationship being hostile toward each other. While in some cases that hostility may ease as time goes on, it more often sets the tone for the relationship from that point on. The two cats often don’t become comfortable with each other because every encounter they have is hostile. It’s unfair to put either cat through such an unnecessarily stressful experience. There’s a much easier way, and it’s not too late to do it, even if both cats have already declared war.
Start by setting up a sanctuary room for the newcomer. Ideally, this should be done before the new cat even comes into the home. Have his litter box on one side of the room and his food and water bowls on the other. The litter and food should not be close together. This room should also contain a scratching post. Even if you already have a scratching post for your resident cat, you’ll need another one for the newcomer. After the introduction is done, the cats may still prefer to scratch on separate posts. You can also put a corrugated cardboard scratching pad in the sanctuary room in case the new kitty enjoys horizontal scratching.
Place a Feliway Comfort Zone plug-in diffuser in the room or spray Feliway spray on the corners of objects to help the newcomer feel at ease with the unfamiliar environment more quickly.
Provide elevated areas and hideaways for the new kitty. This way, if he feels more secure being up high, or if he’s relaxed enough to perch somewhere to look out the window, he can do that. The hideaways are in case he feels totally overwhelmed and prefers being hidden. You can create hideaways by putting boxes on their sides and lining them with towels. You can even turn the boxes upside down and cut out an opening so the cat can feel totally hidden.
If the sanctuary room is a bedroom, it’s very important to provide additional hideaways so the kitty doesn’t spend all his time hiding under the bed. If he’s very nervous, create a couple of tunnels in the middle of the room so he can more comfortably go from one side of the room to the other. This way, he may feel more at ease when walking to the litter box or food bowl. You can create tunnels by connecting paper bags or boxes, or you can buy soft-sided cat tunnels.
Don’t forget the toys! Although the newcomer may not feel comfortable enough to bat a fuzzy mouse around the room initially, there should still be some irresistible toys placed in there for him.
If you have a radio in the room, play some soft music just to serve as a buffer from the unsettling noises he may hear outside the door. If your cat meows outside the door he’ll still hear it, but the radio may ease the sound just a bit.
When you bring the newcomer home, bring him directly into the sanctuary room without stopping to show him to your resident cat or letting the family greet him in the hallway. Just casually come into the house and bring the kitty into the room. He should be in a carrier and not loose in your arms to avoid any risk of having him leap from your arms on the way to the room.
Once inside the room, close the door behind you and place the carrier down. Open the carrier door, but don’t pull the cat out or turn the carrier upside down to force him to come out. If he’s afraid, let him stay in the carrier with the door open. He’ll come out when he feels comfortable. He may need time to get his bearings, and that’s usually best done within the safety of the carrier.
If the cat is very frightened, leave him alone in the room so he can start to venture out of the carrier without having to worry about your being there. Depending on how frightened he is, he may stay in the carrier for the rest of the day, or he may come out the minute you leave the room. Give him that time to check out his new surroundings, use the litter box in private, and maybe nibble on some food. If he’s not frightened at all, he may walk right out of the carrier. In that case, spend a few minutes with him, but then leave him alone to check out his sanctuary room.
CATWISE CLUE
If you’re bringing in an adult cat who was in a previous home or a shelter, initially use the same type of litter that he’s used to in order to avoid overwhelming him with too many changes at once. You can then gradually switch him to the litter you prefer by adding a little at a time to his current brand.
The same applies to his food. If he was used to a certain type of food, start with that and make any transition gradual to avoid upsetting his stomach or increasing his stress.
It’s not cruel to leave the newcomer in the room alone right now because he has a whole new environment to get familiar with in there. He’ll be busy for a while. During that time, you need to check on what’s happening on the other side of that door, where your resident cat may be sitting and wondering what the heck is going on.
Even though you can’t totally remove the scent of the newcomer, wash your hands before greeting your resident cat. If you held the newcomer in your arms, change your shirt. One tip I always give my clients is to keep a bathrobe in the sanctuary room so you can slip that on over your clothes when you’re in there holding the new cat. You’ll still have the scent of the newcomer on you, but it won’t be so overwhelming to your resident cat. This tip is most important if your resident cat reacts aggressively toward the slightest scent of an unfamiliar cat on you. Use Feliway in the diffuser or spray form in your resident cat’s environment, especially near the door to the sanctuary room.
When you greet your resident cat, keep it light and casual. Don’t cuddle him and show an unusual amount of affection toward him. Greet him as you normally would if you had walked into the house without a new kitty.
Be aware that your cat may show redirected aggression toward you if he’s very agitated by the sound or scent of the new cat in the environment. Look for the signs and don’t reach down to pet him or attempt to pick him up if he’s growling, hissing, or displaying an aggressive body posture. In that situation, the best thing you can do is to walk away from him and let him calm down. If he’s just mildly agitated, you can go into the kitchen and prepare a meal for him, or distract him away from the sanctuary room door with a low-key interactive play therapy session.
Depending upon how agitated your resident cat is and/or how reactive the newcomer is, you may have to stay at this sequestered stage for a while. Every cat is different, so don’t be discouraged if your cat is much more reactive at this early phase than the cat of a friend who did an introduction.
After both cats get over the initial shock of knowing there’s something on the other side of the sanctuary room door, you can move on to the next step. Since scent communication is extremely important to cats, you’re now going to let them gather some information about each other in a safe, controlled way. Take a clean sock, gently rub the newcomer around the mouth and head, then give the sock a quick spritz with Feliway. Take another sock (make sure you aren’t using the same sock), rub your resident cat in the same way, and give it a spritz of Feliway as well. Deposit the sock containing the newcomer’s scent in your resident cat’s space. Don’t place the sock in a much-cherished area, such as where your cat sleeps or where the litter box is located, but rather in an area that’s relatively neutral. Place the sock with your resident cat’s scent in the newcomer’s sanctuary room in a similarly neutral area. One or both of the cats may react with only mild curiosity or may show aggression or fear while sniffing the socks. This is an important step because it allows them to gather information while avoiding the risk of an actual confrontation. In addition, the pheromones that you gathered on the socks by rubbing the cats around the mouth are the friendly, nonthreatening ones (made all the more so by the addition of Feliway), so the cats are not gathering indications of hostility from each other, as they might have if they came across the other cat’s urine-mark.
The scented socks also give you valuable information because you’ll be able to get an idea of how slowly or quickly to progress with the introduction. If one of the cats goes ballistic, then you know you’ll be doing the snail’s pace version of a new-cat introduction.
Continue with the scented-sock stage until the cats seem more comfortable. Then take a tiny bit of soiled litter from your resident cat’s litter box and place it in the newcomer’s box. Only do this once he’s relatively comfortable with the scented sock. Do the same with the resident cat, but make sure you’re using a very small amount of soiled litter. You don’t want to create a litter box aversion problem by putting too much in there.
When everyone seems ready for the next step, place your resident cat in a separate room so you can start to introduce the newcomer to the house. You need to do this in a controlled way so he feels comfortable. That’s why your resident cat must be sequestered somewhere.
Once the resident cat is safely secluded, open the door to the sanctuary room and let the newcomer start to investigate the rest of the house. He may want to take only a few steps beyond the threshold, or he may be confident enough to explore everything. In a large home, keep several doors closed so you can control where he goes. This will keep him from being overwhelmed or hiding under a bed. If he’s nervous, confine the exploration to the area immediately outside the sanctuary room and use an interactive toy to keep him distracted, or if he doesn’t want to play, offer some food or a treat. Keep the atmosphere calm and casual. If he seems too nervous or starts to get too stressed, cut the session short. It’s better to do short sessions that end calmly rather than try to get him to check out the entire home at once, which could cause him to become panicky or agitated.
This exploration is important for the newcomer because he can check things out in safety, but it also serves other valuable functions. As the newcomer explores, he’s gathering more information from the scents of your resident cat and he’s depositing his own scent around the house.
If the newcomer doesn’t do much facial rubbing on objects as he ventures around, you can help him the next time. When he’s in his sanctuary room, gently rub him on the cheeks and along the sides of the mouth with a soft sock. Then, with the sock on your hand, rub the corners of objects in the main part of the house. Rub at the approximate nose height of the cats to make it easy for them to come across the scents. Rub just a few objects and pick ones that are close to his sanctuary room. Even if you’re using Feliway spray, you should do the pheromone sock rub if the newcomer isn’t rubbing on his own. This will deposit scents that will allow your resident cat to gather information and get used to the fact that the newcomer is starting to expand his area.
You’ll have to judge how often to do this before moving on to the next step, depending on how the newcomer and your resident cat handle the exploration. Again, each cat is an individual, so don’t be concerned with a specific time frame. This step may last a day, several days, a week, a month, or more. The specifics of your situation, the personalities of the cats, their level of socialization, and what, if any, trauma the newcomer endured before being adopted by you must all be factored in.
After the scent stage, move on to the visual phase. Food is a great motivator, so use it as one of your behavior modification tools in this process. Open the door to the sanctuary room a crack and let the cats see each other as you offer them each a meal. If there’s another family member in the home, one person can be in the sanctuary room while the other stays outside the room with the resident cat. If you’re alone, situate yourself between the resident cat and the sanctuary door so you can close it quickly if necessary. The cats need to be far enough apart so they each stay within their comfort zones and so you’ll have time to close the door before they make contact with each other. As soon as the meal is over, close the door again. Do this exercise for every meal. This is where scheduled feeding works to your advantage because the cats will be hungry whenever you do the training session. You can even divide up the food into smaller portions so you can increase the number of daily sessions. You can also use treats when the cats see each other.
As the cats get more comfortable with each other, you can open the door more during the meals and move the bowls closer together. Be conservative in how close you put the bowls, though. A common mistake people make is to put them too close too soon, prompting the cats to become aggressive. If you put the bowls closer to each other and the cats stopped eating, then you went a little too fast.
Having the cats eat while in sight of each other teaches them that good things happen when the other cat is around. This positive association is the start of helping them find a reason to like each other.
CATWISE CLUE
When the newcomer is out of his sanctuary room, never close the door behind him. He needs the security of knowing he can dash back in there at any time.
After you’ve had success with the food phase, you’ll be able to add the toy phase. Open the sanctuary room door so the cats see each other. Have an interactive toy in your hand so you can be ready to distract someone if tensions start to build. During introductions I also keep a couple of Ping-Pong balls handy so I can roll one in a certain direction to divert one cat’s attention away from the other kitty. I especially like using a Ping-Pong ball if the cats are on a hard surface such as a hardwood or tile floor because it makes an interesting sound. You can also use a crinkly Mylar ball for distraction. Scrunch it between your fingers to make an enticing sound before tossing it. Use an interactive toy as well, as a way to keep each cat in a more positive focus. If the cats are handling the sight of each other well, you can have a toy in each hand and conduct a group play session—a very short one—or you can have another family member play with one cat while you play with the other. Each session in this toy phase needs to be short and positive. It’s always better to end it sooner than you think you really need to. Always be armed with treats as well, so that you can toss those to the cats if things are going well. I wear a trainer’s treat bag (or fanny pack) when doing introductions so that I have treats and small toys conveniently ready for my use. If you planned ahead and clicker-trained your resident cat, click and reward any positive behavior.
Keep a toy handy for distraction as the cats start spending more time out in the main part of the house together. Don’t panic if there’s a little hissing or if one cat gets a little too close and the other cat retreats. They do eventually have to start to get to know each other. You just want to keep the interaction calm. Eventually, as they learn that the appearance of the other cat means food and/or playtime, they’ll start to develop a more positive association. It may start out as mere tolerance at first, but that’s a tremendously successful step when you consider that they didn’t pick this pairing—you did. We ask so much of cats when we decide who will be their companions and how small or large a space they must share. They have much to work out in terms of negotiating who will claim certain pieces of furniture or rooms in the house, how they’ll share time with you, how close they want to be to each other, and so forth.
Until you are absolutely sure the cats are comfortable with each other, you should always be there to supervise when the newcomer is out of his sanctuary room. As they start spending more time together, you may need to watch them only casually in case too much tension mounts. At that point, they may not need to be separated; they may just need a little distraction. This is something you can do by keeping interactive toys stashed in every room so you can easily grab one. Refer to chapter 8 for specific information on how to use distraction and redirection on an as-needed basis when the cats are together for longer periods. Strike a healthy balance between helping them find reasons to like each other and letting them handle some negotiations according to proper cat etiquette. You may find yourself confused about whether your two cats are engaging in play or are being aggressive with each other. Sometimes playtime wrestling can look aggressive or can start out friendly and turn aggressive. Refer to chapter 8 for a general list of indications.
Even after you get to the point at which the cats are together 24/7, keep the sanctuary room set up for a while until you’re sure the newcomer no longer feels the need for it. Even after the cats have been sharing space, the newcomer may still enjoy the security of having a room that has been clearly designated as his. The litter box in the sanctuary room should also remain there as long as the cat continues to use it. Even after you get to the point at which you don’t feel the need for the sanctuary room, the cats will still need to have two litter boxes (or more if you have more than two cats). Don’t put the litter boxes in the same room—make sure you place one in an area where the newcomer is clearly comfortable. That may end up being the room where his sanctuary was originally set up or just outside it. If you do end up moving it away from the sanctuary room, make the move gradual by doing it a few inches a day so he doesn’t lose track of it or cease to identify it as his.
DOG PANIC
I hate the saying “fighting like cats and dogs,” because it leads so many people to believe the two species are born to be enemies. Cats and dogs can have wonderful relationships with each other if they’re introduced properly and trained correctly. That being said, if you didn’t do individual training and a proper introduction, you may have inadvertently turned your home into a battlefield. An untrained animal, regardless of whether it’s the cat or the dog, will create stress for himself and others around him and is at risk of being injured or causing injury.
Whether you’re dealing with aggression or fear or both, the first step is to stop allowing the behavior that’s causing the deterioration of the cat-dog relationship. Separate the cat and the dog so you can do some individual evaluation and training.
If you’re dealing with a cat who absolutely panics at the sight of the dog, but also panics at the sight of just about everything else in his environment, then you need to do some work with him individually to build his sense of security and confidence. You can’t expect him to coexist peacefully with a dog if he’s too distracted by his overall fear of numerous other things. Refer to chapter 4 for retraining tips for dealing with fearful cats.
Does the cat have problems with aggression? Does he growl or hiss at anyone who comes near him? Then some work has to be done to help him feel less threatened overall so that he can be open to the idea of life with a dog companion. Use the information in chapter 8 to figure out what the underlying cause of his aggression is so that you can do the necessary behavior modification.
The same thing applies to the dog. He can’t be expected to respond favorably to the cat if he’s a bundle of nerves or if he has a short fuse. This is why individual training is crucial prior to the reintroduction of the two animals.
Use the time that both animals are separated to reevaluate their individual personalities and needs and determine if there have been gaps in their training, or no training at all. Is your dog trained to respond to voice commands? Does he know “Come,” “Sit,” “Stay,” “Down,” “Leave it,” or any other basic commands that are necessary to have a well-trained dog who is a pleasure to live with? Does he walk nicely on a leash or does he pull and tug? Are you unable to physically restrain your large-breed dog? You absolutely must have him trained to obey voice commands. Is your little dog a bundle of energy that barks, runs around, and is in everyone’s face (especially the cat’s) twenty-four hours a day? You must look at what improvements need to be made to your pets’ behavior on an individual basis before you can ever expect them to get along together.
Part of the reason why your cat and dog aren’t getting along may be the fact that they don’t really speak the same language and misread each other’s cues. Cats often need more personal space, and your dog may be unaware that he has crossed the line. Dogs and cats also don’t share the same play techniques, and they can be misinterpreted. Dogs play by chasing and wrestling. If your cat runs away in fear, that may be interpreted by the dog as a play signal. The more the cat runs, the more the dog chases.
Maybe your dog is frightened of the cat because every time he ventures close he is met with a swipe across the nose. It can be confusing for both animals if certain ground rules aren’t set and proper training implemented.
Start by doing basic training with your dog. Whether you take him to a class, have a training expert come into your home, or do it yourself by following instructions in a book, this needs to be done. It doesn’t matter whether you’re dealing with a puppy or an adult dog, it’s not too late to make corrections in unwanted behavior. Your dog wants to please you, and he’s very smart, so if the training is done correctly and with lots of love and patience, he’ll be receptive.
Just as with cats, dogs respond to pheromones, and there’s a product that can be used in the home to help a dog who is nervous or anxious. D.A.P. is the canine version of Feliway. It stands for dog-appeasing pheromone and contains a synthetic version of the pheromones of a lactating female. It was created to help dogs with separation anxiety. The product is available at pet supply stores, through veterinarians, and online. If your dog is frightened of the cat or even just nervous in general, you may find that using D.A.P. helps his sense of security and makes the introduction process a little less stressful. It is available as a plug-in diffuser. Use D.A.P. in the room where you’re doing the dog-cat introduction as well as in the area where your dog spends most of his time.
When reintroducing a dog and cat, I like to use clicker training. The idea behind the session is to show the dog that he gets rewarded when he relaxes and doesn’t pay attention to the cat. Use the clicker and treats every time he displays a positive behavior. The message you want to send is that there are benefits to good behavior. Even if the attention he wants to give the cat is playful from his point of view, if it isn’t welcomed by the cat, then the dog has to learn proper cat protocol. It may not seem fair that the dog has to learn the cat’s language, but since most cats have a greater need for personal space, it makes life much easier for everyone if the dog adjusts to that.
The message the cat receives during these retraining sessions is that he doesn’t have to be terrified when the dog is in the room. Over subsequent sessions, he’ll see that the dog doesn’t intrude into his space, bark at him, or seem to be a threat in any way. As a result, he doesn’t have to show defensive behavior toward the dog. Soon your dog and cat will start to see each other in a new light. The tools you’ll need are lots of tasty dog treats and cat treats, toys, and your trusty clicker.
Before the session, make sure the nails of both the cat and the dog have been recently trimmed. Take the dog outside to play so he can work off his excess energy and be more relaxed for the retraining session. Once you’ve tired the dog out a bit, take him into the room where the cat is located. Have the dog on a leash and take him to the side of the room opposite where the cat is. Get your dog relaxed and focused on you and not the cat. Having the dog on a leash gives you more control. Have the cat loose in the room. In most cases, the cat will just stay on the other side of the room. If the cat is absolutely terrified and won’t stay in the room or if he’s so aggressive that he attacks the dog the second he sees him, then place him in a carrier. Make the determination on whether to have your cat in the carrier based on your individual kitty. Some cats will feel more secure in the carrier while others may feel trapped. If he’s loose, make sure he has a safe place, such as a cat tree or box or bag turned on its side, where he can feel somewhat protected. If there’s another family member available, have him or her concentrate on one animal while you concentrate on the other.
Cue the dog to sit or put him in a down stay. Have him face the cat slightly sideways so the kitty doesn’t feel he’s being stared at directly. As your dog relaxes and doesn’t focus on the cat, reward him with a treat and praise. If he lunges toward the cat, pulls on the leash, or growls, give a mild correction and get his focus back on you. When he responds to your cue, click and reward if you’re using clicker training. Click and reward anytime your dog shows relaxation, is quiet, or comes to you when called. If you have a chew toy, you can use that if he enjoys curling up next to you with his toy. Use this method only if he relaxes with the chew toy and doesn’t become hyper, possessive, or aggressive. If you have a dog who is absolutely out of control with barking, yapping, or tugging at the leash, he should be kept in a dog crate for the initial sessions. Click and reward any moments of calm and quiet.
If the dog isn’t the problem and sits perfectly still, but the cat is the aggressive one, use the above technique toward the cat. Put the dog and cat far enough apart so your cat is able to relax. Start him off in a carrier and click and reward any quiet or calm behavior. In future sessions you can gradually decrease the distance between them. If your cat is leash-trained, you can also have him on the far side of the room on a leash in subsequent sessions.
If the cat is so terrified that he has to be in a carrier, after a few sessions you can try opening the door to the carrier. If you’re clicker training, use a target stick to entice your cat to stick his nose out at it. Otherwise, place a treat at the threshold of the carrier or offer him a portion of his meal. Don’t ask him to step too far out of the carrier if he prefers to remain inside. This process must be very gradual and you have to move at the pace of the most frightened of the two animals.
CATWISE CAUTION
It is easy to revert to incorrect training methods when you feel nervous during the introduction. You may be tempted to bribe the dog or cat by offering a treat when one displays aggression or shows fear. Don’t reinforce unwanted behavior. Identify the behavior you want, create an environment that encourages success, and then reward positive steps.
Your midway goal is to get to the point at which the animals can be in the same room without focusing on each other. They can look at each other, but they shouldn’t be staring or concentrating on each other. Use an interactive toy to distract the cat, and use clicker training and/or a toy to distract the dog.
CATWISE CAUTION
Never leave a cat and dog together unsupervised until you’ve done all the necessary training and are sure they get along. In some cases, despite proper training, the dog and cat may never be able to be left alone together. If you’re unsure, consult a certified trainer or behavior expert for an evaluation.
Some environmental modifications may need to be made in order to help ensure a peaceful coexistence. The litter box setup must be completely off-limits to the dog because the last thing your cat needs is to be surprised by a canine face as he’s trying to take care of business. Even if the dog’s intentions are friendly, they won’t be appreciated during that time. Some dogs develop a taste for the solid cat waste (strange, but true) and have been known to visit the litter box for between-meal snacks. It is not only extremely unpleasant for the cat to come to the box and find his waste strewn all over the place, including the floor, but it’s also not healthy for your dog. If the cat has covered his feces with litter, then your dog is ingesting that as well, which isn’t good for him. So for many reasons, the cat’s litter box is just not a dog-friendly place. Part of your retraining process with your dog should involve training him to stay away from the litter box. Don’t take the shortcut route and use a covered box as a way of bypassing training. The covered box is not a good idea for the cat (refer to chapter 5), and I have seen many large dogs get their heads stuck in the box entrance, knock the lid off, or simply take their paws and scoop the litter onto the floor until they get to the buried treasure.
If your dog doesn’t get that close to the box but still sits too close for the cat’s comfort, create a no-dogs-allowed room for the cat where the litter box can be kept. Train the dog that he isn’t allowed to cross the threshold into the room. You can also use a baby gate in the doorway. Place a medium-sized heavy box or other object on the other side of the gate so the cat has a landing pad when he jumps the gate. Even if you have a large dog who could easily hop the gate, use it in combination with training so he knows that it is off-limits. The presence of the gate may also provide some added security for the cat when he sees the dog on the other side rather than just in the open doorway.
If you have a dog who is larger than your cat, put the baby gate in the doorway with a cat-sized square opening cut out in the middle or at the bottom of the gate. The opening size must be much smaller than the size of the dog’s head to prevent him from getting his head stuck there. Instructions for this can be found in chapter 5. This way, the cat can go in and out and still have lots of visual warning time, and yet the dog can’t get through the opening if you did your measurements correctly.
Mealtime may be another stumbling block in the relationship between your cat and dog. Cat food is higher in fat and protein than dog food, and some dogs find it much more appetizing than what’s in their own food bowls. It won’t help the relationship if the dog is pushing the cat out of his own bowl. If you feed on a schedule, use this as a training opportunity. Stay in the room with the cat and dog so you can keep everyone at their own locations. Mealtime can also be used to help them continue to form positive associations with each other. If the cat is frightened, elevate his food bowl so he has a safe location to eat, but be certain he can access it easily, or feed the animals in separate areas. If you free-feed, make sure the dog isn’t getting into the cat’s food. Elevate the cat’s feeding station or keep his food in a room off-limits to the dog. If you set up a no-dogs-allowed room for the cat’s litter box and you want to put his food in there as well, it needs to be far away from the litter. Place the food and water on the opposite side of the room. If it’s a very small room, elevate the feeding station to create more distance, but make sure it’s easy for the cat to get to, especially if he’s older, overweight, or less mobile for any other reason.
BIRDS, HAMSTERS, AND OTHER SMALL PETS
A cat is a hunter, and his instincts tell him that a bird, hamster, small rabbit, or other tiny pet is potential prey. Your cat isn’t being vicious or jealous, he’s being a cat. It isn’t fair to expect predator and prey to coexist together peacefully. Even if your cat can’t reach the birdcage or hamster cage, it’s stressful for those little creatures to live with the constant threat of a nearby predator. Don’t cause unnecessary stress to either your cat or your other little pets by trying to get them to live together. A tragedy could happen in the blink of an eye.
If you share your home with pets who could be viewed as potential cat prey, keep them in a totally separate room that your cat can’t access. Make sure everyone in the family understands the importance of keeping these pets apart.
WHEN THE NEW BABY CREATES KITTY CRISIS
Adding a precious new baby to the family can be one of the happiest times of your life, but it is also a time when you’re exhausted and stressed. The last thing you need is for your cat to go into crisis mode and react negatively to the newest family member.
If the baby isn’t home yet
If you’re fortunate enough to have some time before your cat and your baby meet for the first time, then there are some advance preparations you can make to help ensure an easier adjustment. Start by doing the nursery decorating and furniture purchasing gradually so your cat has time to get used to each change. This is especially important if the room that’ll become the nursery is currently the room the cat considers his own. I have had many clients who planned on turning their extra guest room into a nursery, but had previously been keeping the cat’s litter box in there. If that’s the case with you, place a second litter box in another location well before you start the nursery decorating. Then start moving the original litter box toward the new litter box location a few inches a day. When the original box is in the new location next to the second box, you can get rid of one of them. If your kitty also loves napping in the guest room, set up an inviting location somewhere else in the home. A cat tree by a sunny window or a padded window perch is usually hard for a cat to resist. Once the cat is totally comfortable with the new litter box location and cozy napping area, you can start the nursery preparation.
Don’t do everything at once. If you’re painting or wallpapering, don’t do that the same weekend that you rip up or install the carpet. Let your cat adjust to one change at a time. Take several breaks during the decorating process to do interactive play sessions with your cat as well.
If your cat has trouble adjusting to new furniture in the home, spray the corners of the crib or other baby furniture with Feliway. You can also put a clean sock over your hand, gently rub your cat around the mouth, and then rub the sock on the corners of the furniture at cat height.
Large baby equipment that moves or makes noise, such as swings or exersaucers, can be unsettling for some cats. If you think your cat might be skittish around these objects, set some of them up at least a couple of weeks in advance of the baby’s arrival so your cat can calmly investigate them. Turn the swing on so it’s gently swaying back and forth while you conduct an interactive play session with the cat on the other side of the room. For something like an exersaucer or another toy, touch the object gently so it makes noise. Your touch should be much lighter than the baby’s will eventually be so that you can ease your cat into feeling comfortable with the sound.
The sound of a crying baby can be very scary for a cat. If you have a neighbor or friend who has a baby, ask if she’ll record the crying sound so you can play it softly in the background for your cat as you conduct interactive play sessions. Also, invite a friend over who has an infant so your cat can get used to the sight, sound, and smell of a baby. It’s preferable to do this at a time when the baby is happily sleeping or otherwise quiet, so that your cat’s experience is positive and not negative.
Another trick to help a cat adjust to the upcoming changes in his life is to have the expectant mother start wearing baby powder and baby lotion. If you start wearing the scents that your baby will soon have, it may help your cat more quickly identify the newcomer as a member of the family.
Once you’ve set up the crib, your cat may decide to use it as a place to nap. There are techniques you can use to retrain this behavior well before the baby arrives. Get some empty soda cans and plastic bottles and place a few pennies in each one. Securely tape over the openings of the cans and tightly replace the caps on the bottles. Place the cans and bottles in the crib so that your cat can’t really find a comfortable spot to curl up in without disturbing them and making noise. Use enough bottles and cans so that he can’t move them aside to find a place to curl up. Keep the crib this way until right before you bring home your baby. As an alternative to the cans and bottles, you can also place an X-Mat in the crib. This flexible mat is covered with uncomfortable bumps that’ll make it too unpleasant for your cat to want to lounge on the crib’s mattress. Another option is to use a crib tent, which I think is a good idea for many reasons. The Cozy Crib Tent is one that’s very well made and will come in handy later on when your baby starts trying to climb out of the crib. With my son, who showed the ability to climb in and out of just about anything at a very early age, the crib tent gave me tremendous peace of mind. The product is widely available at stores and online.
Another age-old trick for helping your cat adjust to a newborn is to have a family member bring home a blanket or piece of clothing with the baby’s scent on it from the hospital. This may be hard to remember to do amid the excitement over your new arrival, but if you remember to do this, it can be very helpful. If you do remember, don’t force the blanket in the cat’s face. Just place it on the carpet in the nursery or just outside the nursery. When the cat goes up to sniff it, if he reacts calmly, reward him with a treat. Have your clicker with you so you can click and reward if he sniffs and stays calm.
CATWISE CAUTION
Many people make the mistake of showing their cats an overabundance of attention during the mother’s pregnancy but are unable to maintain that schedule after the arrival of the baby. This is extremely confusing and stressful to the cat. Maintain a schedule of affection, attention, and playtime that your family will be able to continue once the baby is home.
After the bundle of joy arrives
Even if you tried to prepare your cat well in advance of the baby’s arrival, he may not be as receptive as you’d hoped when he realizes the little baby isn’t just visiting—he’s staying. If you didn’t do any advance preparation, then your cat has been completely blind-sided by this event.
Cats don’t like abrupt changes, and the addition of a new baby involves many major changes. The new little person sounds and smells totally unfamiliar, and if the cat isn’t used to the sound of a wailing baby, it can be very unsettling. This new arrival also usually marks a total shift in the cat’s normal routine. Time that was previously devoted to the cat is now devoted to the baby. If you made the well-intentioned mistake of giving your cat an overabundance of affection and attention during the pregnancy, then you’re probably now dealing with a cat who is confused by your sudden lack of interest.
Playtime, an important part of the cat’s daily routine and a time the two of you spent together, might now be cut severely or even cut out altogether. Due to the baby’s schedule, your cat might also be getting his meals late or having his litter box cleaned less often.
Because of the fears associated with cats and babies, your cat might find himself shut out of your life in drastic ways. Some people believe their cats are no longer clean enough to have around their babies, so they banish them from rooms they’re used to being in, confine them to unappealing areas such as the basement or garage, or even turn them into exclusively outdoor cats. Even if you haven’t banished your cat, if you’ve reprimanded him out of fear when he approached the baby or the crib, you can’t blame him for being anxious and unhappy about this latest arrival.
Your cat may be naturally curious about that warm, cuddly sleeping baby in the crib. He might even enjoy curling up next to the infant. When that results in panic and anger from the parents, it only creates confusion in the cat. You don’t want your cat to feel as if he’s misbehaving by wanting to check out the baby. You do, however, need to keep the baby safe in the crib. Common sense should prevail. You should keep the cat out of the crib because the newborn may not be able to roll over if the cat is in the way. You also don’t want your infant to risk being scratched unintentionally. Many cats, when in a warm, soft environment, begin to knead with their paws, and their claws can extend just enough to prick the delicate skin of the baby. A sudden move from the baby could also startle the cat and he might unintentionally scratch.
Your cat isn’t the only thing that shouldn’t be in the crib; because of the risk of suffocation, there shouldn’t be anything in there—not even a blanket, pillow, or toy. If the problem is that the cat won’t stay out of the crib, it’s easy to install a crib tent over the top. In my house the ear-splitting sound of a baby crying was the most effective deterrent of all for keeping the cats out of the crib.
It isn’t just the arrival of the baby that creates anxiety in the cat, there are other stress-producing events that go along with the appearance of that noisy, hairless being. Think of all the stuff you have to go along with the baby. If you didn’t prepare your cat for the transition by easing him through the changes, then his anxiety may have started several months before the baby even showed up. You may not have even been aware of it because of your own stress or excitement in preparing for the baby. If you kept the cat out of the nursery altogether or weren’t aware of signs that he was becoming slightly anxious about all the changes, then by the time the baby came along, your cat may have been ready for a kitty meltdown.
If your cat tends to be sensitive or skittish around sudden noises and you didn’t prepare him for life with an exersaucer or sound-generating toy, life might have become pretty unsettling for him. Imagine how startling it must be for him to walk by just as the baby in the bouncy seat kicks the swinging noisemaker or tosses his noisy rattle to the floor. In his previous life with you, your cat never had to deal with such things. Now he never knows what’s going to happen from one moment to the next.
Another thing that accompanies the arrival of a newborn baby is a sudden onslaught of visitors to the home. If you were already dealing with a cat who was afraid of company or was aggressive toward visitors, this really puts his patience to the test. If your cat is skittish or nervous, set him up in a quiet room away from the company during those visits. Since there may be numerous visits from family and friends in the coming days or weeks, have a cozy and inviting room prepared for your cat. If he likes to nap in the sun, set up a window perch or place a soft cat bed on an elevated area for him to enjoy the warmth of the afternoon sun. Play the radio softly so he isn’t hearing the excited voices coming from your visitors down the hall. Have some activity toys set up for him or maybe even throw a little catnip party. Bring out a couple of new toys (or ones that were put away as part of the normal toy rotation) for him to enjoy while being sequestered. If there’s a television in the room, turn on a cat entertainment DVD so he can watch the mice and squirrels. When the visitors have gone, you or your spouse should spend a little time with the cat, even if it’s just a few moments, to praise and pet him.
If you are fearful about your cat being too close to or hurting your baby, your body language or tone may be creating anxiety in him. If he attempted to get close in order to check out the baby or to get close to you and has been shooed away or pushed off the sofa, then that’s another reason for him to view the appearance of this newcomer as a negative change in his life.
Allow your cat to share in the time you spend with your baby. If you’re holding the baby and your cat wants to be close, let him curl up next to you. If that’s not possible, at least talk to him, using his name to make some kind of connection with him. Interactive play therapy sessions with the cat when the baby is in the room are an important way to help build a positive association. If the baby is in the swing, use that time to entertain your infant with the numerous antics of your cat during playtime.
Make sure your cat is getting his regular schedule of interactive play sessions on a daily basis. Even though you’re exhausted, this isn’t the time to shortchange your cat when it comes to the routine he depends on. At the very least, set up a toy such as the Panic Mouse so he can enjoy a little playtime while you’re busy with the baby. If your cat likes cat entertainment DVDs, pop one in so he can watch the mice and birds as you head off to the nursery with the baby. If there are other family members in the house, this may be a good opportunity for them to pitch in and dedicate some time to interactive play therapy. Your cat also needs some one-on-one time with you, so seek him out for cuddling and playtime when your baby is napping. He needs to know that not everything in his life has been turned upside down.
If your cat is showing any signs of aggression toward the baby, make sure the only time they’re in the same room together is when you’re either doing an interactive play session with the cat, feeding him, or petting him at a very safe distance from your child. This should show your cat that good things happen when he’s in the room with the baby—he gets playtime, meals, treats, and affection. Stay well within the cat’s comfort zone so he reacts positively. Do these sessions when the baby is quiet or sleeping so the cat isn’t agitated by crying or noisy toys. It’s also important for you to be calm and relaxed. Your cat needs to get the signal from you that there’s nothing to be threatened by. Use clicker training so you can click and reward any signs of calm or positive behavior on your cat’s part.
If your cat has started spraying as a result of the arrival of the baby, conduct play sessions in the nursery (without the baby being present at first) so your cat can begin to feel more comfortable surrounded by the scents associated with that room. Conduct play sessions in the areas where he’s spraying, use Feliway in those areas, and follow the instructions outlined in chapter 5. Make sure he has areas of his own in rooms that are filled with baby equipment. If there are lots of playthings and baby stuff in the family room, that might be a place to put the cat tree so your cat can safely watch the activities from high above. If the cat’s litter box is located in a spot that requires him to walk past the giant toy that your infant is seated in at the moment, rethink toy and litter box locations and make sure your cat has a clear, safe, and quiet path to his litter box. Add an extra litter box, or even two, in other areas of the home to give him more options if he doesn’t want to have to pass too close to the baby.
Pay attention to where you have the feeding station for your cat and whether it’s causing him anxiety if he’s at his food bowl when your baby is in the high chair. My son loved to pound on his highchair tray and was so enthusiastic when it was time for dinner that the kitchen became an extremely noisy room. It was too noisy for my cats to enjoy having their meals or a drink of water. I set up two additional feeding stations in other areas of the home that allowed them to have peace and quiet for their meals. This became even more of an issue when my son got older and I began to teach him to feed himself. Sippy cups and spoons were always hitting the floor, and those sudden noises certainly would’ve startled an unsuspecting cat who was trying to eat at his food bowl.
As a baby becomes more mobile, it can create more anxiety for your cat. Suddenly this strange little creature is able to move on his own, and he usually seems to be headed in the direction of the cat. Always make sure that in the rooms where the baby is crawling, there are plenty of elevated escape options for the cat. It’s also never too early to start teaching the baby not to chase the cat. The baby probably wants nothing more than to touch the cat, but that must be done only under your direction. Show your baby how to pet with an open hand and how to be gentle. Your baby will watch how you interact with your cat, so make sure he sees you petting the cat only in the way you want him to do it as well. Pet only in the direction the hair grows and stay away from the tail, tummy, and whiskers.
KIDS AND CATS
Children and cats can have wonderful relationships, but they require teaching from you. Pay attention to the type of personality and temperament your cat has so you can teach your child to respect how much interaction your cat wants and will tolerate.
To a child, a cat may look like a moving toy, so it’s important to explain how delicate and sensitive a cat’s body is from the very start. A moving tail is enticing but should never be pulled. Even how a child picks up and handles the cat can make the kitty begin to fear the very sight of the youngster. I have seen cats dragged around by children holding them by the middle—the cats could barely catch their breath. If your child is old enough to hold the cat, he’s old enough to learn the proper technique that involves supporting the hind quarters. With toddlers, an exuberant hug can squeeze kitty too tightly.
Some cats don’t like to be held by anyone, yet alone a child. Know your cat’s preferences so you can instruct your child on how to approach kitty and what he does and doesn’t enjoy. If your cat loves being gently scratched under the chin or behind the head, show that to your child. If your cat likes sitting on your lap, that can be a secure place for him when your child begins to learn how to pet and touch him. With the kitty on your lap, have your child sit next to you, and then demonstrate how to pet with an open hand. You’ll be able to feel if your cat starts to get tense or impatient.
A cat will, for the most part, choose escape over confrontation, so if your cat scratches or bites, it may be because he was cornered with no way out. Your child needs to learn how to read basic cat body language. He should know that ears in a T position or flattened means the cat isn’t happy at the moment.
A cat needs “leave me alone” areas in the house, and the children should know where they are. Cat trees and perches or favorite napping areas should be off-limits to children. Where the cat eats and eliminates are also places that need to be left alone. A sleeping cat, no matter where he is, shouldn’t be disturbed by a child.
High-pitched voices, quick footsteps, and all the other fun commotion that go along with being a child can be unsettling for a cat. Teach your child that the cat is to be approached quietly and gently. If your child has friends over, it might be best for the cat to be in another room.
Many parents use the cat’s presence as an opportunity to teach responsibility to children. Your cat’s health and well-being are too important to place that task on a child. If you give your child any cat-related duties, make sure that they’re age-appropriate and that you monitor the situation so the cat never suffers due to a child’s neglect. For example, if your child is responsible for filling the cat’s water bowl, you still need to check it every day. Don’t ask a child younger than a teenager to be responsible for scooping the litter box. A child may not practice adequate hygiene afterward. Besides, litter box scooping is an important way for you to monitor your cat’s health. The person who does it has to be old enough to be aware of potential problems such as diarrhea, constipation, and an increase or decrease in urination.
If you have an older cat or one with health problems, an adult needs to be the one who handles water, food, and litter box responsibilities, or an adult needs to supervise the duties. How much a cat eats, drinks, and eliminates is valuable information when it comes to monitoring his health.
If a child is responsible for feeding the cat, make sure he or she uses a premeasured amount so you can be sure the kitty isn’t getting too much or too little food. Water can be given from a prefilled plastic bottle so you can monitor how much is being consumed.
The front and back doors open and close on an almost revolving-door basis in many homes with children. That’s an easy way for a cat to slip outside without detection. If your cat is strictly an indoor one, your child must learn not to hold the door wide open or stand in the open doorway. Explain how frightening it would be for the cat and tragically sad for the family if the kitty escaped outside. As a reminder, place a picture or sign on the door in case your child has trouble remembering the rule.
Injury to the cat can occur accidentally, such as a tail being stepped on or shut in a door. A trauma like that can leave the cat feeling fearful of the child or even start a pattern of fear aggression. Such behavior can compound the guilt and sadness your child already feels over the original accident if he or she doesn’t understand why the cat is still afraid long after the injury has healed. In this case, you have to take a few steps back and almost begin an reintroduction so your kitty can start to associate your child with positive experiences again. Have your child on one side of the room reading, watching TV, or playing quietly (key word: quietly), while you feed, offer treats, or conduct a low-key interactive play session with your kitty. Over subsequent sessions, you can start to gradually move closer, and eventually have your child be the one who offers the food, treats, or playtime. Move at the pace of the cat, though. Don’t be in rush. Also, when your child gives treats to the cat, demonstrate how to place it in an open hand and not hold it between the fingers. The last thing anyone needs is for the cat to make a mistake and nip the tip of a finger instead of the treat.
If your cat had been doing fine with your child but now displays fear or aggression, there may be something going on such as rough play, rough handling, or even abuse. I worked with one client whose young daughter created a fear problem when she forced the cat (a very shy declawed cat) into doll clothes and tried to take her for a walk in a stroller. The cat panicked and ran through the house, trying to get out of the clothing. I have also had some clients for whom the fear or aggression toward the child was due to secretive abusive behavior by the child toward the animal. Seemingly unexplainable or unprovoked aggression is rarely truly unexplainable or unprovoked.
Help your child, in an age-appropriate way, to see life from the cat’s point of view. Some children may not fully understand that an animal feels pain, fear, sadness, and so forth.
When your child is old enough to participate in interactive playtime with your cat, it can be a wonderful way to build trust and help the two of them bond. Your child needs you to demonstrate how to conduct the play session in a way that will be fun and rewarding for the cat. You must supervise and make sure your cat isn’t at risk of being poked in the eye with the wand of the fishing-pole toy. You may want to start with toys that have shorter wands and longer strings or toys so your cat can stay farther away from the end of the pole. The Cat Charmer is a good toy for children to start training on because it has a shorter wand and a long, thin fleece “snake.” The movement is usually easy for a child to coordinate in the beginning. As he or she gets older or gets more comfortable, you can move on to other fishing-pole toys.
Parents’ Checklist
- Teach how to pick up and hold the cat.
- Show how to pet with an open hand.
- Make sure your child is aware of the cat’s “leave me alone” areas.
- Give your child only age-appropriate responsibilities for caring for kitty and be sure to monitor their tasks.
- Teach how to read the cat’s body language.
- Warn your child never to use fingers as toys.
- Teach your child not to share food with the cat.
- Make sure your cat has areas of escape.
- Keep the litter box and feeding station off-limits to children.
- Continue to monitor the relationship.
FIXING BLENDED-FAMILY CAT-ASTROPHES
Does your cat hate his cat? Does his cat bully your two cats? Is her dog afraid of your cat? Does everyone hate everyone else? Blended families face many challenges as people try to transition smoothly from two households to one. It can be hard enough trying to get the children to coexist peacefully, let alone the cats, who look like two gunfighters at high noon.
If you haven’t made the big move yet, here are some basic guidelines. If you’re moving into your new spouse’s home, then your cat is the one who needs to be in the sanctuary room and viewed as the newcomer. If your spouse is moving into your home, then your cat gets the run of the house while the other cat starts out in the sanctuary room. You will then follow the instructions mapped out in the first part of this chapter. One extra point to keep in mind is that the resident cat will be dealing with not only the addition of an unfamiliar cat but also the addition of at least one other unfamiliar person and all the belongings of that person. If there are children involved, then kitty has lots to get used to, so you have to take the necessary behavior modification steps for each individual issue. Your cat might be afraid of a child as well as concerned about your spouse’s cat or dog. Even if your cat was comfortable with your spouse previously, it can be a whole different ball game when the spouse doesn’t go home anymore and all of that person’s belongings are now part of the household.
Combining households is overwhelming for both the cat in the current home and the cat entering the new environment. While you’re making adjustments to this new life, remember to do the appropriate behavior modification to ease all the animals through this change. During the excitement and chaos of the beginnings of the blended family, it can be easy to overlook the anxiety a cat may be experiencing. Have a game plan beforehand and make sure everyone knows what to do. If there’s a dog involved who has never been around cats or who has been allowed to chase cats, then some dog training sessions must be done before the introduction. If you have an older cat and now a very young cat is going to be joining the household, you’ll have to do some kitty-proofing of the home beforehand. Just because your cat no longer has an interest in the electrical cords or the houseplants doesn’t mean your spouse’s young kitty won’t want to investigate those dangerous items. This is a big move for everyone, so plan ahead. Get the house ready, set up whatever sanctuary rooms are needed, and make sure everyone is on the same page in terms of the behavior modification plan.
If you’re dealing with a multipet situation in which one spouse has a single cat and the other spouse has two or more, don’t overwhelm the single cat with having to get to know everyone at once. Do one-on-one introductions, starting with the animal who seems the most agreeable.
If the move has already taken place and things have gone from bad to worse, stop what you’re presently doing, separate the animals, and start from scratch. Reintroduction after a period of calming down is the best way to stop the continuing deterioration and start building positive associations.
If the new companions are feline, environmental modifications need to be done once they’re officially introduced in order to ensure that everyone has adequate space. The cat tree that’s used by the resident cat may not be something he wants to share with the new cat, so a second tree may be needed. More than one litter box will be needed. More than one feeding station may be needed as well. It’s important to offer them more options in the environment so they can choose if they want to share something or maintain their own space. Environmental modifications may also have to be made if the companions are a dog and cat. A baby gate, preventing access to the litter box, monitoring the feeding station, and other modifications described in an earlier section of this chapter may be required.
THE CAT-AVOIDING SPOUSE
How do you deal with the fact that the person you love the most in this world hates the cat you love the most in this world? What if the cat you cherish so much hisses and growls at the very sight of the love of your life? Some people have been forced to choose one over the other (you might be surprised how often people choose the cat). In other cases, the families grit their teeth and live in tension, with the spouse and the cat existing more as sparring partners than as members of the same household.
If you’re in a relationship and you’re at the point at which you’re considering taking that giant leap toward marriage or living together, one of the discussions you should have is how this will or won’t change the way your cat is used to living. If the person in your life strongly dislikes your cat, don’t just assume things will improve once he or she gets to know him. That wouldn’t be fair to your spouse or your cat. You need to sit down and talk about the concerns, expectations, and feelings your spouse has, and he or she needs to listen to yours. If your soon-to-be spouse absolutely hates your cat and wants you to get rid of him, but your cat means everything to you, you need to resolve that issue before you alter your living arrangements. At the risk of venturing into Dr. Phil territory, if you and your soon-to-be spouse disagree over something like this, is there a chance this isn’t the right person for you? Not everyone has to like cats, just as not everyone likes dogs, or fish, or birds, but if you’re sharing your life with someone, he or she should understand that your cat is a big part of your life. Is this person willing to work with you on a plan to try to get to know your cat, or at least willing to live in peace with kitty because he means so much to you? Or is he or she demanding that your cat be rehomed? Don’t wait until after you have moved in together to have this discussion. Your cat’s life may depend on it.
It’s harder to dislike a well-trained cat than it is a poorly trained one. Take a look at the behaviors your cat exhibits that you’ve learned to live with but that may not be appropriate or in the cat’s best interests. If your cat has litter box issues, work on them now, because chances are they’ll only get worse once the new spouse is on the scene full-time. Inappropriate behaviors such as food stealing, scratching furniture, and so forth need to be worked on now.
In addition to training issues, there may be health and hygiene issues with your cat that may make him less appealing to your spouse—things that should be addressed anyway but you might have neglected. For example, does your cat have fleas? Do you groom your cat regularly or does he look like a knotted mop? Is there cat hair everywhere? Do you keep his nails trimmed regularly? Does he have an ongoing problem with hairballs? How clean do you keep his litter box? While these are issues that should be addressed immediately, and not solely to make your cat more appealing to your spouse, they’re some of the common points cat avoiders focus on.
When you have your discussion with your spouse or soon-to-be spouse, pick a time when you are both in the right mood for openly and calmly talking about what he or she specifically dislikes about cats. Information is power, and you can use this opportunity to enlighten him or her about misconceptions. I have found that in many cases people who dislike cats don’t really know anything about them, or their previous experiences were with a poorly trained cat. During one of my consultations, I found out that the reason my client’s husband hated cats was because as a child his house always smelled like cat urine. As we talked more, it became obvious that his parents had an intact indoor/outdoor male cat. The other thing this man disliked was the fact that the cat was not friendly and had scratched him several times. As a result, the view of cats that he carried throughout this life was that houses with cats smelled like urine and cats scratch. The fact that his parents neglected to neuter the cat and didn’t do any proper training gave this gentleman an inaccurate impression of cats.
Listen to your spouse’s concerns and don’t dismiss them or respond to them defensively. He or she may have some valid issues regarding your particular cat, and this will require both of you to be willing to do the work necessary to create a household in which everyone can be happy.
If your spouse is willing to live with your cat but doesn’t want to get too close or have your cat sleep in the bed, you both need to make some compromises. Life for your cat will obviously have to change, but the bottom shouldn’t fall out of his world. You and your cat have a relationship that needs to be maintained and nurtured. Don’t try to make your cat’s presence less intrusive by ignoring him when your spouse is around or, worse, locking him in a room, putting him outside, or forcing him to live in the garage or basement. Decide beforehand what compromises will need to be met and begin doing appropriate and humane behavior modification to gradually ease your cat into the transition. For example, if you decide that your cat will no longer be able to sleep in bed with you, then create a very appealing alternative spot for him and start having him sleep there before your spouse moves in so the cat doesn’t associate the spouse with the altered sleeping arrangements. I usually suggest that cat owners trying to get kitty to sleep elsewhere start keeping their bedroom doors closed all the time, even when they’re not at home, so the cat doesn’t keep getting reminders of where he’d rather be napping. Set up a cozy cat tree and/or a couple of cozy hideaways for your cat to choose for sleeping. If the weather is turning colder, consider installing a heated window perch. If your cat enjoys sleeping on a chair by the fireplace or on a pillow on the sofa, play up those areas by placing a shirt or towel there that contains your scent.
When you set up a few new sleeping options, make those special places where you offer treats and affection to your cat. Call your cat over to those spots for a little scratching under the chin or petting in the areas he loves the most. If the location is a cat tree, you can also do some playtime there.
In addition to your regular interactive play therapy sessions, do a bonus play session right before bedtime, wind the action down at the end of the game, and then offer your cat a portion of his meal or a treat. This way, he’ll have fun with you, work off his energy, and be left relaxed and satisfied.
It’s also important not to make a big deal about the fact that you’re going to leave him out of the room when you go to bed. Don’t make the good-night ritual into a dramatic scene that makes it seem as if you’re going away for a month. Give a casual farewell greeting. Remember, your cat is a little emotional sponge who can easily pick up on your level of anxiety.
Your spouse may have issues with other aspects of your cat’s routine or behavior. Some or all of them may be valid and need behavior modification. For example, if your spouse doesn’t want your cat on the kitchen counters and you have previously allowed that, then part of your compromise may be the need to retrain your cat in order to correct that behavior. Other aspects may require compromise on his or her part. If your spouse doesn’t like the location of the litter box and would prefer it to be in a more remote location, you have to explain to him or her the importance of keeping the box where it’s convenient for your cat and that a change to a remote location could create litter box aversion problems. Keep the box clean so your spouse doesn’t have more reason to object to its presence.
If you are moving into your spouse’s home and he or she isn’t happy with the fact that you’ll be bringing your cat along, this will require lots of discussion beforehand. Your kitty is going to be faced with an unfamiliar territory and a hostile new roommate. Explain to your spouse that your cat will have to be eased into the environment by using a sanctuary room. If your spouse is concerned about potential damage from scratching, prepare the house in advance by setting up scratching posts in areas where you think your cat would most likely want to scratch. This is a great time to use corrugated cardboard scratching pads for extra insurance because they’re inexpensive and you can scatter them throughout the home. If there are pieces of furniture that your spouse is particularly worried about, set them up with deterrents such as Sticky Paws or cover them completely and place a scratching post right beside them. If your spouse is a true cat avoider, he or she probably doesn’t even understand the need for a scratching post, so make sure you offer an explanation so that there’s an awareness of how crucial this is to your cat’s daily life.
Look around your spouse’s home and cat-proof as necessary. If you have a very active cat and your spouse has some delicate and/or valuable items that you know will create bad feelings if damaged, then secure them out of your cat’s reach, and don’t underestimate your cat’s reach. You want to give your cat and your spouse every reason to like each other, and a big part of that is creating an environment in which they can coexist happily.
One problem I see quite often when a cat owner moves into a cat avoider’s residence is the battle over the paraphernalia that goes along with living with cats. We already discussed the litter box and scratching post, but perhaps you also have a giant cat tree or a huge basket of cat toys. Maybe your spouse doesn’t want the clutter of cat toys all over or the presence of a big cat tree to ruin the decor of the living room. This can be an especially difficult hurdle for your spouse to get over because a cat tree in the living room isn’t an easy thing to hide. Your spouse may want the tree in a little-used room down the hall and you may want it front and center. What matters most is putting the tree where it’ll be the most useful to the cat—that’s the purpose of the tree. You know your cat, and if he wants to be in the room with the family, then the tree should be where you spend the most time. If your cat loves watching the outdoor wildlife and there’s a great spot for it at the big window in the den, then maybe that’s the best place. One good negotiation point to use with your spouse is that the more time your cat spends on the cat tree, the less time he spends on the furniture. The cat tree is also an important security place for your cat in this unfamiliar environment because it contains all of his comforting scents and will be an elevated spot where he can go when he feels anxious. The more secure your cat can feel in this new environment, the more “attractive” he will be to your cat-avoiding spouse.
Don’t force your cat on your cat-avoiding spouse, but do show him off! If your spouse has been focusing on the negatives about life with a cat, show him or her the positives. If your cat is clicker-trained, demonstrate some fun behaviors or tricks. Many people don’t think a cat can be trained, so if you have secretly worked on training your cat to jump through an embroidery hoop, go through a homemade obstacle course, or even just roll over, it’ll be very impressive. If you haven’t worked on any special behaviors, just conduct a fun interactive play session. It’s hard not to be fascinated or even chuckle at how intense a cat can be as he stalks and pounces on his pretend prey. Show off how athletic your cat is and how lightning-fast his reflexes are. One of the things I do in consultations when I’m dealing with a cat avoider in the family is to talk about how incredible the feline senses are and how cats beautifully walk the line of being so graceful and yet so powerful. I also do an initial clicker training demonstration to show the cat avoider how smart the cat is and how easy it’ll be to train him.
If you see that the cat avoider is intrigued by the play session, casually hand the toy off to him or her. You may find that this is the icebreaker you needed.
THE SPOUSE-AVOIDING CAT
I see this quite often in my consultations, but there’s much that can be done to improve the situation. If you’re facing this problem right now, don’t panic. You have lots of behavior modification tools.
First, let’s go over what NOT to do. Don’t force your spouse on your cat. Don’t put the cat in your spouse’s lap or hold him so your spouse can pet him. That will only drive more of a wedge between them. Also, don’t punish the cat for hissing, spraying, or any negative behavior displayed. If you want your cat to like your spouse, you have to give him a reason to think this is a good addition to his life, not the reason he’s always getting reprimanded.
Instruct your spouse not to look directly at the cat or approach him. If your cat wants to close the gap between them, let him be the one to initiate that.
Some cats who have lived only with women may find the heavier footsteps or deeper voice of a man to be a bit unsettling at first. Cats who are used to men may have some trouble with the higher female voices, and so forth. Your spouse should be aware of how he or she walks into a room or talks. I had one client whose cat was terrified of her boyfriend, and much of it centered around the fact that he had an over-the-top personality and a very loud voice. He was a delightful man, but my client’s cat was skittish to begin with and was used to living in a very calm and quiet setting. The client and her boyfriend truly represented a case of opposites attracting. It took awareness on the part of the boyfriend in order to ease the cat out of her shell.
You know the expression “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” The route to your cat’s heart is similar. Have your spouse be the one who serves the cat all his meals. If you schedule-feed, this is even better because your cat is seeing for himself where the chow is coming from. If you free-feed, still have your spouse be responsible for the duties because your cat will see it happen often enough and the scent of your spouse will be on the dishes he handles. The spouse-avoiding cat may not appreciate having your spouse stand right next to the bowl during mealtime, so once dinner is served, he or she should step out of the way. If your cat is comfortable, the spouse can stay in the room; he or she should otherwise serve and leave.
Speaking of feeding, if you know beforehand that your cat will not take it well when the new spouse becomes a permanent fixture, make a gradual transition to schedule feeding. Do this well in advance of the spouse’s arrival. This way your spouse can be the main provider of the meals once he or she arrives. You’ll also be able to use clicker training to identify and mark any positive behavior on your cat’s part.
At any point, if your cat attempts to come closer to investigate your spouse, let him do so without interruption. Your spouse shouldn’t reach down to pet or view this as an invitation to hold the cat. Direct eye contact should still be avoided. The cat needs the freedom to do a scent investigation and start to build trust.
After the trust building has started, your spouse can extend his index finger for your cat to sniff. This is similar to the nose-to-nose sniffing that cats often do when they first greet each other. The cat will either approach closer to sniff or he’ll back away. If he approaches, then he’s making progress in the trust department. He may then sniff and back away, which means he isn’t ready to take this any further right now. On the other hand, he may sniff and then rub his cheek along your spouse’s finger or approach even closer. This is a great sign that things are improving. After a couple of those sessions, if the cat sniffs, rubs, leans against your spouse’s hand, or comes closer, then he’s probably saying it’s okay to pet.
You know where your cat likes to be petted and where he doesn’t, but your spouse doesn’t know that. He or she may not know much at all about cats, so a little education is in order. During the early stages of trust building, the spouse-avoiding cat should be petted briefly in the most guaranteed-to-get-a-good-response place. That’s usually on the back of the head or maybe under the chin. Stick to the tried-and-true places that you’re sure of. Instruct your spouse to end the petting session well before he or she thinks it’s necessary so things can end on a positive note.
Play therapy is an important tool in helping the spouse avoider. Start by doing interactive play therapy sessions with your cat while your spouse is within sight but still far enough away that kitty is well within his comfort zone. During subsequent sessions, your spouse can inch closer, but make sure he or she appears focused on something else, such as reading or watching TV. This distracted presence will help your cat get comfortable while seeing that having him or her in the vicinity isn’t posing a threat.
You want to work up to the point at which you and your spouse can be sitting side by side during the interactive play therapy session. Provided your cat is clearly comfortable with every step up to this point, you can eventually hand the toy off to your spouse. Before you attempt this, though, make sure you have given lessons to your spouse on how to conduct the game. If things go well, the next play session can be started by you and then your spouse can take over the majority of it. Following that, your spouse will be the one to do all of the play sessions. Hopefully, you’ll get to the point at which you don’t even have to be in the room. Get to this point gradually, though, because your presence is a source of security for your cat.
What if your cat is lounging on a chair that your spouse wants to sit on or sitting on a pile of papers that the person needs at that moment? If you’re at home, you should be the one to move the cat. If your spouse is alone with the cat, then he or she shouldn’t attempt to lift the cat off or shoo him away. Instead, your spouse should get out a toy or a treat to entice the cat off the spot. Keep everything positive.
One trick I often recommend to clients with spouse-avoiding cats is to use Feliway spray in a rather unconventional way. Have your spouse give a quick spritz of Feliway to the bottoms of his or her pants. If your spouse is wearing shoes, he or she can opt to spritz the tips of the shoes instead of the clothing. Feliway was not intended for this purpose, but I have found that the presence of those friendly synthetic feline facial pheromones often aids in helping the spouse avoider start to make positive associations.