Kath’s unexpected appearance had saved Nancy from liver damage. It turned out she had taken a large quantity of paracetamol the previous day, but since she only suffered from nausea, it had not aroused Jade’s curiosity. However, by the time Kath found her, her liver was deteriorating, and alongside jaundiced skin, she suffered from confusion and loss of consciousness.
She had been lucky. Much of the paracetamol had been removed from her body, limiting the damage. However, Nancy did not view it that way, and made it clear to both Jade and Kath, as well as speaking in earshot of the nurses, that they should have let her die. It had little impact when the nurse said that unattended she may have suffered a slow painful death, and she refused to converse, laying motionless in the bed and with her eyes closed.
Eventually, Jade had to leave to return home in time for Brian and John returning from school, but since visiting time wasn’t yet over, Kath decided to stay.
‘You will go back home, won’t you?’ Nancy said.
‘I . . . I don’t know.’
‘Please, for me.’
Kath looked to her lap.
‘Where have you been staying?’
‘Nowhere.’
‘With friends?’
She nodded.
‘I thought you would. Your dad was angry, but he would have calmed down if you’d have apologised.’
‘Don’t lecture me,’ she said quietly.
Nancy stared, hesitating her response. ‘I do love you. Your Dad does too. We’ve been going out of our minds with worry.’
Swiftly, Kath looked away as tears rose and a bulge formed in her throat. It was what she had wanted to hear for such a long time, and had often imagined the moment, but now it was upon her, she struggled to know how to react and could not show her appreciation. Her hands were a worthy distraction.
‘There’s something I need to talk to you about,’ Nancy said.
She peered through her fringe. Her mother’s expression was worryingly serious.
‘I am going to die soon. It’s the right thing to do . . . for you, Jade and the boys, and your father. I want you to let me go.’
‘No!’
‘Kathryn . . . I’m a burden.’
‘No! No, you’re not. I’ll do more to help . . . do whatever it takes. Just don’t . . . not that.’
‘I’m never going to have a decent life. I’m crippled. I can’t do anything for myself. Please have a think of how demoralising this is for me? I can’t chew food because my jaw aches. I can’t laugh or cry because it jars my shoulders. I can’t do anything others take for granted and that’s not a life worth living.’
Kath looked away, biting her lip and stilling her tremors, and tried to obliterate her mother’s calm and controlled voice.
‘Would you want to live like this?’ Nancy asked.
Her face scrunched and her tongue froze.
‘There’s something for me at the other side. I can feel it calling out. I won’t be in pain anymore . . . I’ll be happy, and that’s important.’
‘Don’t you love us – is that it?’
‘I love you more than you can imagine, and I always will. But this is not the end. I will always watch over you, whether you’re in difficulty or having the time of your life. You’re special Kathryn.’
Kath’s face scrunched; she freed a lingering tear.
‘Imagine yourself in my shoes. You can’t hold the remote control because you have no grip. You can’t climb into the car because your knees don’t bend far enough. You can’t select coins from your purse because of the stiffness in your fingers. I suffer continuously, every hour in every day, and it’s no way to be.’
Kath frowned. It did seem as though it was a never-ending plight, and it was draining to watch. But suicide? There had to be another answer.
‘I need you above Jade and the boys to understand why I’m doing this. Can you at least try?’
‘I . . . I don’t know.’
‘Heaven is a wonderful place. I can feel it. For the first time in years, I won’t feel any pain. I’ll laugh until I ache. I’ll run until my lungs burn. I’ll ride the clouds, travel the world.’
Their eyes locked. Nancy’s need for sympathy was oppressive and it forced Kath to look away.
‘Please support me. I want to be freed of this body, this agony. I know you don’t like to see my suffering,’ She paused, waited for a response. ‘I can see the pain in your eyes when you watch me. It’s always with you and it’s messing you up. I won’t have that.’
Kath wanted to deny it but deep down she knew her mother spoke the truth. Nancy did struggle daily and had even resorted to climbing the stairs on her backside such was the pain in her feet. It was no life. Kath stared, assessing, and witnessed the desperation in her mother’s eyes. Feeling obligated, she nodded her approval. It was the most she could offer.
‘Oh thank you. Thank you so much.’
The delight surrounding her mother was the most Kath had witnessed for such a long time and it made her realise the true importance of her quest. Her mother was not acting in an irrational manner and she was not depressed. She was logical in her words, and spoke with calmness and coherence. It was what she wanted, and with or without Kath’s help, it was going to happen.
Nancy stretched out her arm to touch hands, the agony of her locked shoulder joint limiting its excursion and slowing her movement. ‘I knew I could rely on you.’
Kath forced a smile.
‘Thanks for being on my side.’