Procrustes, according to Greek Mythology, was a bandit and metalsmith who lured travelers to spend the night in an iron bed. But, because he was a bandit and not a terribly good host, he’d cut off any body parts that stuck over the edge…or, if his guests were too small, beat them out a bit longer or wider with his hammer. One size fits all, or else! Theseus, the guy who killed the minotaur, turned the tables on Procrustes and “fitted” him to his own bed.
This story is about something else: a mirror. Sometimes life makes us stretch to fit…
Blue smoke curled from the end of the bartender’s cigarette like the wrist of a card shark practicing in slow motion. The waitress’s mirror shades flashed in the light from the open door.
Tom said, “This is the Zorcico, right?”
The waitress pulled beer mugs off a table and jabbed at a puddle of beer with her dirty towel. Tom shut the door behind him. The glass had been painted out and the handle was sticky with handprints. A jukebox tinkled a song orchestrated for piano, musical saw, and howler monkey. The customers, mostly men in greasy blue jeans and baseball caps so filthy you couldn’t tell their hometowns, had already gone back to playing craps.
“Turn that shit off, Larry,” one of them said.
“Screw you, Foley,” the bartender rasped. The tip of his cigarette jerked and the blue smoke went jagged. “You want something else, drop a fuckin’ quarter.”
Tom walked to the bar, sat on one of the cracked vinyl stools.
The bartender said, “Whaddaya want?”
Tom handed him the picture. The bartender picked it up and held it to the light, like he was trying to see through it.
“Seen her before?”
“Betty,” the bartender said. “You the schmuck?”
“Yeah,” Tom said.
“She’s gone.”
“I noticed. Where is she?”
The front door opened. Tom took a quick glance out of habit and saw a silhouette of a big man holding his head off-kilter. The door closed.
“The usual?” the bartender asked.
The big guy nodded. The more Tom’s eyes adjusted to the dark, the worse the guy looked. Cancer? Tom wondered. The guy’s clothes hung off him like there was nothing but a skeleton underneath.
“Shit, Cavanaugh,” one of the other customers said.
The bartender jerked his head at the waitress. She dropped off the mugs at the bar, wiped her hands on her apron, and said, “It’s time.” She had a terrible voice, a flat, gravelly monotone just this side of a voice box. She and the big guy disappeared down a hallway on the other side of the bar.
Tom said to the bartender, “My wife?”
The bartender bent down to get something under the bar. Tom saw himself in the smeared mirror behind him, and he was reminded of why Betty had left him. He was fat and bald and had beady eyes and a stupid expression on his face and a mouth that never quite shut. He looked like a bulldog with a mustache. Tom wiped the dried spit from the corners of his mouth, and then the bartender stood up.
He hefted a small wooden box, just big enough for two decks of cards, and set it down with a thump. The box was a cheap import carved with a caged elephant and inset with pieces of yellowed mother-of-pearl.
Tom picked up the box. It was heavy. “She leave this for me?”
“You could say that.”
Tom slid the box toward him and started to open it.
The bartender slapped his hand down on the box, snapping the lid shut. “Wait a minute.”
Tom pulled his hands back and lifted them up. “Touchy.”
“You know why she came here?”
“To drink. To pick up freaks.”
The bartender shook his head.
“What, then?”
He jerked his thumb toward the door the big guy and the waitress had just gone through. “We got other stuff, in back.”
“What? Drugs?”
The bartender said, “Sometimes. But that’s not what she was here for.”
“Then what?”
“You can either have what’s in the box or you can find out what she came here for.”
Tom picked up the box. It felt as heavy as a cannonball. He rubbed his fingers over the top. The box was probably the only thing in the damned place that wasn’t dirty. The box, and the waitress’s mirrorshades.
“I’ll have both,” Tom said.
The bartender shook his head, and the cherry waggled.
“What’s in the box?”
“Your marriage.”
Tom grabbed the box. The bartender slammed his fist down on the box, knocking the box back down to the bar. Tom yanked on the box, but the old man’s arm, a stick with a flap of skin quivering underneath, was like iron.
The bartender’s eyebrows met in the middle. “You can’t have both. I wouldn’t give you nothing, but it’s what she wanted.”
Just then, the big guy came out of a dark hallway beside the bar. Tom gaped at him and let the bartender slide the box across the bar.
“Guy’s dying,” the bartender said. “Three kids.”
The big guy walked up to the bar and handed the bartender a plastic bag full of blond hair, coiled and coiled again. “That’s the last of it.”
The bartender caught the bag with his long, yellowed fingernails. “You sure?”
The big guy nodded. “I’m ready.”
The bartender put a trio of shot glasses on the bar and poured a double of rye in each. The big guy took one, and the bartender pushed a second toward Tom. He raised the third. “To Cavenaugh.”
Tom raised the shot glass with the others—“To Cavenaugh”—and the room echoed with the sound of a dozen glasses hitting pressboard.
The bartender said, “Now get out of here.”
The big guy drank his rye and left, smiling. His silhouette in the door was the picture of health, muscular and wide-shouldered. Even his head was on straight.
“What did she do to—” Tom asked.
“It never lasts,” the bartender said.
The waitress asked for a round of cheep beer for the craps table. She looked older than before, even though her braided hair was black under her faded do-rag.
“What’ll it be?” the bartender asked, after he was done.
Tom wondered what was in the box, really. Here’s your marriage, Tom. It was a piece of lead weighing down your wife. Ha ha. Funny.
He’d find her eventually. Whether he wanted to or not. He couldn’t stop himself. It wasn’t the marriage he wanted; it was her.
“Show me what she was looking for,” he said.
The bartender slid the box to his lap, grunted, and bent down under the bar again. Tom’s reflection hadn’t gone away; his pitiful pinprick eyes looked threateningly at himself in the mirror.
The waitress tapped him on the shoulder, then beckoned. He slid off the barstool and followed her to the back hallway.
If the tile in the bar was grungy, the thin carpet in the back hallway was shameful, worn through to the backing. The paneling was pockmarked with holes. Pinup calendars twenty years old were tacked to the walls.
There were four rooms with plywood doors along the hall.
She led him to the second room and unhooked the latch. The door swung open, and she pulled the cord of a tiny, dusty bulb dangling from the ceiling.
It was nothing but a storeroom filled with tin cans the size of his head, some of them rusted. A stained purple bedsheet had been tacked up at one end of the room behind a similarly-sheeted card table. A worn red handkerchief was wrapped around something small and flat.
The waitress sat on the other side of the table and pointed at the folding chair on Tom’s side of the table.
Tom sat.
“One look for free,” the woman said. “Then you have to pay.” She adjusted her shades, then picked up the hanky and unwrapped what was inside.
It was a flat, gray circle, the back of a mirror. She held the reflecting side down.
“Betty came here because she didn’t fit,” the waitress graveled. “She wanted to be the perfect wife.”
“She was the perfect wife. I didn’t deserve her.”
The waitress said, “This is what made her the perfect wife. But Larry made her pay to look. He took her marriage away from her, one piece at a time, and put it in that box. When it was gone, he wouldn’t let her look anymore. So she left you.”
“It sounds like magic. Or bullshit.”
The waitress nodded.
“I don’t believe in magic,” Tom said.
“Nobody cares what you believe.”
Tom shifted on the folding chair. The legs weren’t even, and he felt like he was going to slide off. “So what am I going to see? Is it going to make me the perfect husband?”
“You’ll see whatever you want.”
Tom sighed. “Look, I just want Betty’s address. Or the midget’s. Just forget this crap.”
The waitress turned the mirror toward him. It caught the light of the bare bulb and flashed in his eyes.
Tom blinked back the brightness and winced as he saw himself.
Then something happened. His face lost its jowls and wrinkles, and his mustache disappeared. He touched his face. The skin over his lip was smooth, like it had been just shaved by an old-fashioned barber. His hair came back, full across his brow, a golden-brown color. His mouth was hanging open again, but this time in shock; he closed it.
His breathing was easier, like a filter had been pulled out of his nose and lungs, and he was breathing clean air, fresh as springtime, not the air of some backwater New Jersey dive.
The waitress gasped, and Tom looked up at her. She was beautiful, more beautiful than he could have imagined, with soft, full breasts and a half-curled smile. He reached up and pulled her shades aside. Her eyes were clenched tight underneath.
“You can look,” he said.
She opened her eyes, flinching back from whatever she’d expected to see, but nothing happened. She blinked. Her eyes were pitch-black, large, and lovely.
“You’re very beautiful,” Tom said.
The waitress ran her hands over her head, then pulled the do-rag aside, combing her fingers through her hair.
“I can’t believe it,” she said. Her voice was sweet and sexy.
Tom looked around. The room was dim, full of deep purple shadows, covered in mysterious tapestries depicting a woman plucking a golden apple from a tree, surrounded by snakes. It smelled of incense and spices.
The fortune teller wrapped up the mirror in a red velvet cloth and pressed it into Tom’s hands. She had tear streaks on her face. “Take it. Just take it,” she said. “Put it in your pocket. Don’t let Larry see it.”
Tom took the piece of sparkling crystal in disbelief. “I couldn’t,” he said. “This must be worth a fortune.”
“Take it.” She reached around under the teak table until she’d found a piece of linen paper and a pen. She scribbled something, folded it up, and held it out to him. “The midget is a friend of mine, works for the Bella Rosa travelling circus. He was here taking care of his mother until she died. I sent Betty back with him. It was what she wanted, you understand? If you call this number, you can find out where Bella Rosa is touring.”
Tom put the wrapped crystal and the scrap of paper in his pocket.
The fortune teller sank back into her overstuffed chair and held her head in her hands.
“Are you all right, miss?”
She shook her head but didn’t look up. “After you see her. Ask for a job.” She was crying outright. “Now go.”
Tom backed out of the room, pulling the door closed behind him. He stopped to admire the carved scrollwork on the door and trod the deep carpet back to the bar.
The room was dim and filled with blue smoke that wound around the toughened dock workers, the tables, and the glowing, moody beer signs. Tom admired the atmosphere for a second: it was the perfect dive bar. Then the bartender coughed.
Tom turned around. The bartender, a grizzled monkey of a man with a fedora and a cigarette, dealt out solitaire on the bartop. “You get what you wanted?” he asked.
Tom shook his head. “Who knows? It was convincing, that was for sure.”
The bartender said, “She doesn’t cry often.”
“Tell her I’m sorry I upset her,” Tom said. “Can I use your phone?” He pulled the paper out of his pocket.
***
He caught up with Bella Rosa at the Louisville Gardens. Five minutes before he’d arrived, the sign out front had proclaimed “Bella Rosa! The largest FREAK show on Earth!”
But by the time he saw it, the marquee read, “Bella Rosa! Prepare to be AMAZED!”
He paid for his ticket and went inside, goggling. The inside of the building had been turned into a field of silk tents, glowing softly from within. Lights dangling from the ceiling seemed like stars, a lovely illusion.
Hundreds—maybe even thousands—of people walked among the tents, arm in arm, nibbling at cotton candy in paper cones, children freezing their tongues to their snow-cones and clutching teddy bears. Tom couldn’t be sure, but he thought he saw a Ferris wheel on the far side of the auditorium.
People around him were gasping with surprise and delight. He couldn’t wait to visit all the tents—but there was somewhere he had to go first.
He searched until he found a tent whose painted sign read, “See the Geek Rip the Heads off LIVE CHICKENS and Other Stunts!”
He ducked through the tent flap to see a beautiful black woman dressed in a tiger skin and nothing else. Her hair was tangled and wild, and her finger- and toenails were a vicious, black-blood red. She had blood dripping down her face, off her white teeth, and a headless chicken ran around the massive cage, spraying blood on the crowd, who shrieked in ecstatic disgust.
The woman howled toward the roof, shaking the bars of her cage, then reaching to swipe a claw at a fat baby in the first row.
Tom gaped in awe.
The woman screamed, grabbed the chicken head off the floor, and flung it at a shy girl near the tent flap.
Then she saw Tom.
She froze for a second, then stood up and brushed awkwardly at the blood covering the tiger skin.
Tom whispered, “Please don’t stop.”
She seemed to hear him. Betty snarled and threw herself at the bars again, struggling toward a fat man with a tiny hat, trying to rip his face off with her terrible claws.
***
In the end, they hired him as The Innocent Man—Lose your Cares, he Cures ALL!—and he brought in more money than all the other freaks combined.
***