This morning starts with a bang. My phone begins to ping shortly after eight a.m. Clarissa is asking to look at the first draft of interview number one and after a little tidying I’m not unhappy to press send.
Then Hayley calls to say that couple number four are free today and do I want her to rearrange their appointments? Then, Nic texts.
Hey, Tia. How R U doing?
I stare at the words, not sure how to reply.
Good. Busy. You?
Was thinking about Saturday night. Can we talk? I’m not working this afternoon.
I groan. I’m not sure I’m ready to handle this, but that’s the old me talking and I quickly pull myself together.
I’m free from mid-afternoon. A walk, maybe?
Perfect. See U later. Don’t work too hard.
I don’t know whether it’s because my mind is suddenly thrown into turmoil by Nic’s text, but couple number four, Carol and Steve, don’t jump out at me as being particularly romantically inclined. They’re in their mid-forties and I feel there’s a real effort being made to say what they think I might want to hear. It all feels rather disconnected, but hey, after twenty-five years of marriage and with four kids, it can’t be easy.
I wonder if they’re going through a bit of a rough patch and are regretting taking part. But if this is a true reflection of a typical, chaotic family life, then even though they seem to have little time for the romance, there are loving gestures. But it’s more about giving each other time alone, than organising quality time together. They both admit that with children aged from sixteen down to eight years of age, if they manage an hour together on their own at the end of the day, it’s a miracle. And it sounds like they spend a lot of their free time ferrying the kids to and from after-school clubs, dance classes, music lessons and sporting events.
When I raise the subject of Christmas the reaction I get more, or less, reflects the whole tone of the interview. Somehow things get done so it will happen, but as it’s seven months away who has the time to start thinking about it now? I sigh, wondering how on earth I’m going to make this particular story jump off the page, so that readers can engage with it. Underneath it all, though, there’s no sense of unhappiness, or resentment, more an underlying feeling of every day being almost impossibly full. They both collapse into bed at night with relief, rather than in pursuit of a romantic interlude.
It seems that sometimes, loving someone is more about putting yourself out to give them time to stop and catch their breath for a moment. Knowing when they are beginning to feel swamped and need a break. The more I reflect upon that thought, the more I can appreciate that this family situation works. The key is that they have good communication skills. Maybe the romance is a little lacking, at the moment, but as the kids grow and they regain some of their quality time together, I have no doubt the flame will still be there.
I’m so deep in thought that I don’t hear Olwen until she tiptoes into the kitchen.
‘Afternoon, Tia. Sorry I’m late. Rhona twisted her ankle this morning on the way to school. We had to have an emergency dash to the surgery. It’s all strapped up now and I’ve left her at home with Rhys. I’m not sure how he’ll cope as she can be a little demanding at times. He spends a lot of time either on the phone, taking bookings, or online. I suspect chocolate and DVDs will be used liberally as bribery in return for a little peace and quiet.’ She chortles to herself and I think of couple number four.
‘I’ve just been interviewing a couple who have four children. The feature I’m writing is all about romance, but to be honest they both looked exhausted. I guess things will change as time goes on.’
‘Tell me about it. It’s non-stop; always someone in need of something.’
‘You don’t resent it in any way? Running your own business, working a second job and coping with all the family stuff in between?’
She pauses, her forehead crinkling up as she narrows her eyes.
‘I’ve never had time to think about it. You just keep going.’
She sounds very matter-of-fact.
‘But you’re content with your lot?’
A smile creeps over her face and she stops wiping around the sink to stand back, cloth in hand.
‘I wouldn’t change a thing. If I had time on my hands I’d end up feeling bored. Everything I do, I do out of love. Everything we have, we’ve built together as a team. Although it is a struggle at times, it makes for a very strong bond. Besides, we have our moments and it’s enough to remind us we still have it.’
‘Do you mind if I quote you on that? Anonymously, of course. You’ve just said more or less what I’ve spent the last hour trying to paraphrase. Maybe I should throw a few more questions your way when I hit a bit of a stumbling block.’
‘Ha! Ha! I’m happy to help.’
I start packing up, conscious of the time. I’m feeling the need to wash my face and maybe apply a little make-up before my company arrives.
‘I’ll pick you up a few things you’re running low on and Rhys can drop them down to you. You’re knocking off early. Going for a walk?’
Nic will probably be here before Olwen has finished, so there’s no point in being secretive.
‘Yes, Nic will be here shortly.’
Olwen purses her lips. ‘I’ve never seen him as animated as he was on Saturday night, twirling you around as if he knew what he was doing. It’s nice to see a genuine smile on his face for a change.’
She returns to the job in hand and I quickly head off to the bathroom to make myself presentable. But it’s as much to hide the glow I can feel creeping up my neck and into my cheeks, as it is to fuss over how I look.
*
‘I thought it would be easier to walk and talk. I know you wanted to get together for this interview thing later this week, but after Saturday night I wanted to… clear the air.’
I will my face not to give anything away. As we begin to climb the hill I forage about in my backpack for sunglasses, as a distraction.
‘When I picked you up at the station I know I was a bit short with you. I think I’ve had a chip on my shoulder for quite a while, about a lot of things. It’s a very different life for me here. The constant worry about my financial situation doesn’t help, if I’m being honest. So, while I happily banked the cheque, I was harbouring a little touch of resentment there. And I know that makes absolutely no sense at all, but it seemed to remind me of how precarious my situation is at the moment.’
We’re walking side by side, sunlight dappling through the trees and turning the wood into what could be a drawing from a children’s fairytale book. It looks enchanted. With hardly any breeze, the leaves and twigs underfoot crunch and snap, disturbing the silence until the drone of another car passing on the top road masks the sounds.
‘I’d feel the same way – really. I’ve been overreacting, simply knowing someone else is currently sitting at my desk in London. I don’t own the space, I just work there, but it’s a territorial thing, isn’t it? When people buy a property to rent out, they don’t have that same emotional investment with it. It’s merely a source of income, whereas to you the cottage is home.’
We hit the part of the woods where the narrow track descends quite steeply and we make our way down to Caswell Bay in single file. Once on the beach we resume our conversation.
‘It was petty of me and unfair. I’m grateful you’re here, Tia. Otherwise we’d probably never have met.’
I swallow hard, glad of the foot or so distance between us, as we stroll across the mudflats. Raucous seagulls circle overhead and two dogs run across in front of us, barking excitedly as they take it in turns to chase each other. We begin an upward ascent as we reach the start of the coastal path.
‘Sometimes things happen for a reason. But—’
‘I know. It’s a big “but”, isn’t it? I mean, it was unexpected, that’s for sure.’
‘Unexpected? In what way?’
It’s hard to talk and climb at the same time and nervousness makes it harder to keep my breathing even. Nic nods in the direction of a bench, set back against an outcrop of rock.
I collapse down onto the seat, gratefully.
‘I’m not looking for a relationship, Tia. I can’t even sort my own life out at the moment, let alone drag someone else into it. Having another person in your life means getting involved in their lives, too; it adds a whole new level of worry and responsibility. That sounds selfish, but it isn’t meant to be. I’m a mess at the moment and my confidence is at a low-ebb. I spend my days driving a taxi, helping out at the farm and writing articles for the local paper about burglaries and lost dogs. If I was ten years younger that might be a way of finding out what I want to do with my life, I suppose. But it’s not a very stable work situation. Overnight things could change very quickly and I could find myself struggling to cover the day-to-day bills. There’s no long-term future in anything I’m doing at the moment.’
Disappointment sits like a knot in my stomach. He’s warning me off.
‘Is this some sort of apology for the kiss?’
Nic slumps back against the bench and I shift uneasily in my seat, feeling extremely uncomfortable and hoping he’ll change the subject. He doesn’t need to explain himself to me at all.
‘No. I’m not sorry, only sorry I didn’t take it further.’
‘Oh, I see. Guess we were on the same page there, then. I wanted to invite you in.’
Well, he’s being honest with me so I think I owe him the truth. I wanted to invite him in and I didn’t, only because I froze. It’s been a long time since I took a man home with only one thing on my mind.
He seems to relax a little, stretching out one leg and kicking at a tuft of grass poking up from a mound of sandy grit.
‘My situation doesn’t alter the way I feel about you. If we’d met five years ago my life wouldn’t have been so… messed up. I had a good job with great prospects, a stunning apartment and money in the bank. But that was then and a lot has happened in between. The now bears absolutely no resemblance to the then.’
A string of walkers pass in front of us in single file and we turn our heads to stare out to sea.
‘It’s gorgeous when the sun is bouncing off the little waves, like splinters of silver and gold. It seems easy enough to let go of the worries, sitting here without any distractions at all.’
‘And that’s the problem, isn’t it? Are we going to do this, Tia?’
‘Yes. There’s no point in either of us pretending, Nic. But I think we need to lay down some rules.’
He nods. ‘Agreed. You start.’
‘No lies,’ I say, firmly.
‘No pretence. If it’s a big mistake, we stop.’
‘No guilt.’
‘No regrets.’ We turn to face each other and shake hands.
‘It’s a deal.’ Nic leans forward and within moments we seal it with a kiss, from which neither of us want to pull away.