It’s Monday morning and several hours since I waved Nic goodbye. As he headed off to pick up his first fare of the day there was a little skip to his walk that I couldn’t help noticing. After wrapping up the interview with him yesterday, it made me remember how cathartic it can be to share one’s pain. Owning it is the start of moving on and in tandem with this new opportunity that has come his way, I think his self-esteem is definitely on the rise. I do have this lingering doubt over whether there’s still one piece to this puzzle that hasn’t been revealed. But as he begins to put the past firmly where it belongs, he really is sounding a lot less like the guy with a big chip on his shoulder. I’m getting a peek at the real Nic; the person he tries so desperately hard not to reveal.
Our barbecue on Saturday night was relaxed and full of laughter. Actually, that was probably helped along rather nicely by the bottle of wine we shared. After we’d eaten, we lazed back on a blanket spread out on the sand. We laid there, enjoying the sounds of the sea, which was soothing. I ended up going back to the cottage to collect my recorder, after Nic suggested we finish off the interview. I thought it might spoil our relaxation, but then I could see that it was helping him. Emotional healing is a unique experience; it can take a long time to start the process, but then suddenly it begins to speed up, positivity making each improvement a huge boost up to the next level.
As soon as I switched on the machine, Nic looked to me for guidance.
‘You need to set the scene so I know where to start.’
Wine glass in hand, he leant on one elbow and seemed to be completely relaxed about it all. I settled myself back down, lying parallel to him and mirrored his position.
‘Life is now a blank page. I know it’s only June, but let’s pretend it’s New Year’s Eve and you are looking forward. You feel secure in the knowledge that the past is dead to you and what happens now is in your own hands. There will be other people out there reading your story and facing similar situations. Starting over again can be daunting, but it can also be a challenge that throws up previously unimaginable opportunities. What would you say to someone if they were asking for your advice?’
In the fading light and with only the glow of the fire, hissing and popping from the fresh twigs Nic carried down from the woods earlier, there was a cosiness as we talked. It was like a cocoon and easy to forget the world out there for a while, as if it was only about the two of us.
‘My forward plan would be to reflect upon a few of the more recent lessons I’ve come to learn. The first one is that I can’t commit to anyone until I’m in a good place. Having almost hated myself for a long while, I’ve now stopped wanting what I used to have. Maybe that never was going to be the source of my happiness, anyway. Perhaps it was more about looking successful and the obscure satisfaction of knowing other people envy what you have. I had what many people were fighting every single working minute to achieve. Losing my pride in such a public way was devastating, but now I realise that I’m actually free. I’ve faced what I feared the most and I’m still here. So, face the demons and move on.’
I remember that he had looked up at the sky and smiled, some transient thought making him sigh, but it had been one of acceptance and not dismay. I was pleased for him as the anger he’d been storing up was beginning to ebb away.
‘I suppose, the next action point is to think about what you want and make a plan. I need to concentrate on building myself a new career and this time around it’s not about pleasing anyone else. Yes, I need to pay the bills, but it has to be something that fires me up. Freedom is empowering, but it’s also a huge responsibility. I’m lucky that I don’t have a wife, or kids, to mix into the equation. I have plenty of time to sort myself out before I begin to think about a relationship, again. Next time around, and my final item on the list, is to listen to my gut instincts more often. If it looks too good to be true, then it generally is and I was guilty of seeing what I wanted to see, instead of the truth. We all fear rejection; getting hurt dents our confidence and, often, our hearts. It will change the way we look at things, but after the disillusionment phase comes an awakening of sorts. When I give my heart to someone I will be very sure it’s forever, but I’ll also understand that forever means one day at a time, with each new day being a renewal of that commitment. Forever is a destination that stretches out ahead of you.’
I’d had to brush away a stray tear, then, as Nic’s words had gone straight to my heart. Yes, it was going to be perfect for the article, but more importantly he was firmly back in control.
‘Hello.’ Olwen’s voice breaks my thoughts and I compose myself as she walks through into the kitchen.
‘Sorry, I’ve disturbed you.’
‘No, it’s fine. I was just going over some of my interview stuff. All walks of life, all age groups and all situations. A lot of joy, but some sadness, too.’
There’s no point in trying to hide the fact that I feel a little emotional this morning.
‘Well, as long as it’s work and there’s nothing wrong between you and Nic. I thought I’d give the bathroom a clean and generally whip the vacuum around. Is that all right with you?’
‘Fine, but sit and have a coffee first. I know Mondays are really hectic, so take ten minutes to rest those legs.’
I pop the kettle on, noticing that Olwen seems more than happy to ease herself into the chair for a break.
‘Thank you, Tia, that’s very kind of you. I’ve been on the go since five this morning and I haven’t had time to grab a drink, yet. I should be stick thin, really, as I rarely stop for long.’
I open a packet of biscuits and place them in front of her, swiftly followed by a mug of strong coffee.
‘You’re an angel. Biscuits keep me going and will be the first thing I cut out on my next diet. I will miss you when you go back to London. Your presence brings a bit of life and optimism back to Holly Cove.’
‘And, if I’m being totally honest with you, it’s hard for me to walk away. But Nic’s batteries are recharging and I think you are going to see a lot of changes in him over the coming weeks. Max has been away for a few days, but even he might notice when he returns.’
Olwen sits, cradling her mug.
‘Oil and water need to be kept apart if you don’t want a disaster. Did Max say where he was going?’
I can feel myself frowning as I’m not sure what she means and why there should be any trouble. Max is a little withdrawn at times, but he’s harmless enough.
‘No, I don’t think he did mention it. He’s a kind man, though, and you were right; he did invite me in for a quick look inside one of his cabins.’
‘He doesn’t take to many folk, but I knew he’d make time for you.’
‘Why?’
‘You’re good for Nic and that fact won’t have been missed. Oh my – look at the time! Thanks for the little chat. I was a bit worried Friday’s meeting would upset things, but clearly you seem fine. And now I really must get on.’
As Olwen grabs her cleaning materials and heads off upstairs, my phone pings.
Finlay isn’t flaunting his F1 jaunt, surprise, surprise. Your name is the buzzword today and he’s seething. Make sure you call Clarissa this morning as she’s out of the office from noon. Hope you found someone to celebrate with at the weekend! Surfer guys can be fun company, I hear.
I can’t believe I’d totally forgotten about making the call!
I’m grateful for the heads-up. I’ll phone Clarissa shortly. I celebrated in style and you would approve, but my lips are sealed.
Well, that’s no fun!
Oh, but it was, I can assure you.
I laugh out loud as I can imagine her reaction and sheer frustration at not knowing what’s going on at this end. It is important she thinks I’m living it up a little. If Clarissa throws out one of her straight to the point questions that Hayley can’t sidestep, hopefully she will say I’m working hard but also having a good time. Actually, that’s the truth, anyway. Admittedly, thoughts of Mum are never very far away, but when I start to feel angry that she was taken from me, I flick a switch inside my head. It’s too early to be able to let the memories flow, as it doesn’t help at the moment. I can’t enjoy trawling through the archives of my mind without stirring up some very raw emotions.
Thoughts of Will pop into my head and I know that Mum wouldn’t harbour a grudge for what happened. Maybe he never really managed to let go after we lost Dad and that’s why he couldn’t accept it when Mum and Ed grew close. It was a purely selfish perspective, because loneliness is an awful thing and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I wonder if Will is sorry now for the way he reacted and for the years he didn’t have with her. A wave of nostalgia rolls over me and I find myself dialling his number. He won’t be at home, I know that, but Sally is easier to talk to, anyway. It rings several times before she picks up.
‘Hi, Sally, it’s Tia. How are you all?’
‘Oh, Tia, I think Will meant to give you a call over the weekend, but it ended up being rather hectic here. Bella had a sleepover Saturday night and I don’t think any of us had more than an hour’s sleep. I’ve just collected her from school a little early as she has a dental appointment.’
I try to imagine what Bella looks like now and know that if we passed in the street she wouldn’t recognise me, or I, her. That hurts and it’s something I need to change once I’m back home.
‘Sounds like she had fun then, and I hope that appointment goes well. I thought I’d check with you how Will is doing. The sadness can be a little overwhelming at times and it must be difficult for him … given the circumstances. But Mum never stopped loving him, or thinking about you and Bella. I hope he knows that.’
There’s a brief pause. ‘He has so many regrets, Tia. I know how much he’s hurting and how angry he is with himself. It has changed the way he looks at everything now and he actually talked to Bella about you the other day. He said you were going to come and visit us. Is that true?’
‘Last time we spoke we talked about that and he admitted Mum wouldn’t want us to be distant.’
‘Well, that’s a real breakthrough and I’m so happy to hear it. He needs you, Tia, and as a family we should be supporting each other through this sad time. Bella doesn’t really understand what happened as she was too young when Will cut the ties. When are you coming back to London?’
‘My last day here is the second of July. It’s going to be frenetic when I get back. I’m stepping into my boss’s shoes for a while, but I will make that visit happen sooner, rather than later.’
‘Don’t mistake Will’s silence for lack of concern, Tia. It’s an uphill climb for him and he has to learn to forgive himself for the decisions he made and the things he said. He’s a proud man and a good one, but everyone makes mistakes.’
I know that, but it’s great to hear that Sally understands it too.
‘Maybe it’s best not to mention the fact that I called. He’ll call me again when he wants to talk.’
‘I don’t think you’ll have to wait too long, Tia. And I’m glad to hear you have so much going on, because you have to get through this phase as best you can. You deserve your success and I know how hard this will have been for you. Your mum was a wonderful person. All any mum wants for their children is to see them using their potential to the full and leading a happy life.’
Knowing that Sally is there for Will every step of the way means a lot and I know she’ll look after him, as he looks after her and Bella. Some of life’s lessons are harsher than others, that’s for sure.
‘Thank you for understanding and being so supportive. Will is a very lucky man to have you by his side, Sally. It’s all a bit of a mess still, but we’ll work through it. I don’t suppose I could have a quick chat with Bella?’
‘Of course you can! She’ll be delighted.’
The muffled sounds of walking confirm that Sally is now seeking out her daughter and after a few moments I hear her speaking.
‘It’s Aunty Tia on the phone and she’d like to speak to you, Bella.’
I hear an excited little squeal.
‘Hi, Aunty Tia. How are you?’
Ah, she sounds so grown-up now and so polite. Her sweet little voice puts an instant smile on my face.
‘I’m good, thank you, Bella. You’ve grown quite a bit since I last saw you I suspect. How is school going?’
A slightly muffled response soon clears as she moves the phone from one hand to another.
‘Good. My teacher gave me three house points this week for volunteering to be a tidy-up helper. And now the reds are in the lead!’
Just to hear her enthusiasm tweaks my heart as I consider how much I’ve missed since Will cut me off.
‘Wow – that sounds like an important job and well done the reds.’
‘Oh, it is important, Aunty Tia. You have to check everyone’s desks and make sure nothing is left out because it’s not fair on the cleaners. They don’t have time to be moving things around because we don’t tidy away properly.’
She sounds so serious that I find myself suppressing a chuckle.
‘I’m very proud of you, Bella, I hope you know that. And it’s good to hear that your teacher appreciates your help as that’s quite a responsibility. Do you still love to draw?’
‘Oh, yes. But I’m also learning to play the piano and the recorder. There’s an after-school music club and I go there with my best friend, Alice. We have sleepovers, too.’
Sally said Will had mentioned me recently, but she must talk about me too, from time to time, because Bella doesn’t sound distant at all, just pleased to catch me up with her news.
‘Well, I hope I can see you really soon.’
‘I’d love that, Aunty Tia. I wish you didn’t live so far away.’
Her little voice wavers a little and suddenly Sally jumps back in, taking over the phone but speaking directly at Bella.
‘Don’t worry, Bella, we’ll sort something out. I promise. Now, off you go to get your coat as we mustn’t be late for the dentist.’
I reassure Sally that I will make that visit happen as soon as I possibly can.
The natural order of things revolves around the cycle of birth and death, but as with the seasons, there is a fundamental reason for everything that happens. It simply strikes me as so very, very sad that it took Mum’s death to begin the process of healing old wounds.