I shower and dress; making myself look as presentable as possible before I head out to talk to Max. Olwen makes a phone call to arrange for a friend to cover her playground duty. She says she’ll have everything packed and ready when I return. We look at each other, hardly able to take in what is happening.
‘Thank you, Olwen, and I’m sorry about the mess I’m going to leave behind me. I will get to the bottom of this, though, even if Nic won’t listen to my explanation once I know the whole story.’
‘You’re doing the right thing. Max needs to know what’s happened as it affects him, too.’
‘Could you call me a taxi? I won’t be long.’
As I make my way across the sand, shuffling my feet as I try to hold it all together, I feel hurt that Nic wouldn’t even let me talk before he walked out in disgust. I know how it looks but if, as he seemed to indicate, he feels anything at all for me, then wouldn’t he have given me a chance, or at least wanted to hear my side of things?
As I approach Max, he’s leaning up against the steps to the second cabin and is sanding a piece of wood.
‘You’re deep in thought.’
When our eyes meet he immediately stops what he’s doing.
‘You look like the sky has just fallen down.’ He continues to study my face and I can see his intuition is telling him this isn’t going to be good news.
‘I’m going back to London, today.’
He straightens, his shoulders going back and his pose rigid. His eyes flick over my face before he turns, lowering himself onto one of the wooden steps.
‘You tried to fix him and you couldn’t. You did your best, Tia.’
‘No, you don’t understand, Max. I’ve hurt Nic without even knowing it. My boss is Clarissa Cooper.’
Max looks stunned. Anger flashes over his face and even when he composes himself, his eyes are steely. Gone is the characteristic gentleness of those pale blue eyes that I usually see reflected back at me.
‘You were a pawn in her little game and I’m gutted for you, Tia, because I know you wouldn’t have been a party to this. You’ve fallen in love with my son and I’ll admit, I’m not a man who prays that much these days, but I’ve said a few since you arrived. She wants to meddle in his life again and she’ll use any ploy to make that happen.’
Knowing Max, at least, believes without a shadow of a doubt that I would never have hurt Nic in this way, means so much to me at this moment.
‘So it seems, Max. So it seems.’
He stands and we hug, sharing a goodbye that’s full of sadness and a sense of loss. Both rendered speechless, I reluctantly turn. Head down, I walk away. As I approach the cottage my taxi is waiting and the driver has already loaded my luggage.
I can’t even bring myself to go inside for one last look around.
‘Keep in touch, Tia,’ Olwen says through her tears. ‘I’ll look after Nic, don’t you worry. I hope you have someone who can be there for you, my dear. But I’m only a phone call away and I’m a good listener.’
Words fail me and I give Olwen one final hug, as we stand just inside the little gate. Shutting it for the last time I turn to gaze out over the water. This view will be imprinted on my mind forever. Today my wonderment is accompanied by a feeling of abject misery. My heart feels leaden inside my chest, as if it no longer belongs within my body.
*
Hayley, I’m on my way back to London. Is Clarissa in the office?
She texts back almost immediately.
Problems? She’s here all day but only free from two o’clock onwards.
I think the train journey back is going to be plenty long enough for me to prepare what I want to say to her.
I’ll be there at 3. Block out an hour on her calendar and tell her I’m coming. She’ll know what it’s about.
Oh, OK. Consider it done.
*
I’ve never been one for melodramatics, it’s not my style. However, Hayley is thrown into confusion when she sees the look on my face. I throw my luggage on the floor in the corner of her office and her jaw drops. I’m not sure if she is about to say something, but I’m already back out the door and walking down the corridor. I’m vaguely aware of her jumping up out of her seat and she’s now standing in the doorway, watching me. As I walk into Clarissa’s office she looks up and what I see on her face isn’t quite what I was expecting, either. She indicates for me to take a seat and eases the glasses away from her eyes.
‘I know you are angry. The fact that you’re standing here in front of me means that I made a big mistake. Please, don’t say a word; just listen to what I have to say. And then you can tell me exactly what you think of me. I doubt there is anything you can say, that I don’t deserve.’
I force myself back in the chair, my body language reflecting the animosity I feel for her, as I stare through squinted eyes. My lips are so tightly pressed together I doubt I could utter even one word, because my jaw feels rigid and my teeth are clamped together. Rage isn’t something I’m used to handling and I’m struggling to hold it in. Clarissa knows that and there’s a hint of fear in her eyes, as she stands and begins to pace back and forth.
‘You probably won’t believe this, but I love my son. I simply want him to be happy. I thought that maybe… two people re-building their lives, thrown together… stupid, I was stupid and I see that now.’
She stops pacing for a moment. Her back is to me and she’s deep in thought. This isn’t easy to hear but my body is still shaking a little from the anger and I’m a captive audience.
‘My children meant everything to me, but as a wife whose husband was in the services, once they were at school it was a rather lonely existence. Work was my salvation and I did well for myself. Each promotion spurred me on. But when Max was home on leave it became increasingly obvious that we had nothing in common; nothing at all – except Nic, and our daughter, Georgina. Oh, it’s a long story. So much hurt and pain… she died. Cancer. Our holiday cottage on the beach became her home during the last months of her life. Max couldn’t cope with it and besides, he was away still, at sea, for long periods of time. Nic was struggling to come to terms with it but they both refused to let me bring her here, to a hospice in London. I thought if my daughter was close by that maybe I could be there for her but it was already too late. The only person George wanted around her was Nic. Max and I were with her at the very end, but Nic was angry for the way our lives had turned out. We were all high achievers, but at what cost?’
She’s still pacing and I’ve never seen her lose her composure like this, ever before.
‘When I saw how deeply the death of your mother had affected you, I was reminded of George and how hard it had been to let her go. Nic has never fully recovered from that loss and what followed afterwards made things even worse. You remind me of her, you know. George had a big heart and people always came first. I envy that quality because I have a practical head and I’m simply not wired that way. Emotion has never ruled me, well, except in regard to my children, but I wasn’t good at expressing what I felt.’
She stops suddenly and spins around to face me.
‘If anyone could understand what Nic was still going through, I knew it would be you. Somehow the mistakes Max and I had made hadn’t tarnished Nic, but he’d stopped believing in himself and he wouldn’t allow anyone to draw close to him.’
I take a huge breath and expel it slowly.
‘You thought six weeks was enough to heal the wounds; two broken people with seemingly no connection and therefore no reason not to trust each other? No hidden agenda?’ I laugh and the undertone is one of total amazement. How could such an intelligent woman be so naïve, for one thing. Or manipulative.
‘Well, your master plan worked a little too well. I fell in love with Nic and I think if I’d stayed a little longer he would have been brave enough to face up to his feelings for me, too. But now I’m the last person on earth he’d ever talk to. He believes I was a part of your plan to drag him back to London, in return for a promotion. He assumed I was spying on him and passing you information. The fact that I’d interviewed him to replace the couple who pulled out, convinced him of that. I know that was unfortunate, but understandable under the circumstances. I hate that I’ve had a role in destroying his ability to trust someone, all over again. Can you even begin to imagine how I feel about that?’
Clarissa sinks down into her chair, totally drained and it’s shocking to see how devastated she truly is about what’s happened. I believe every single word of what she has told me, I just think that it’s unfortunate she can only ever see things from her, rather emotionless, point of view. The fact that she gave this so much thought astounds me, but when people’s hearts and minds are involved there is no winning formula. And that’s what Clarissa can’t understand, or the fact that relationships will flounder if people aren’t honest with each other.
‘Is he safe? I mean… he’s alone. If what you say is true—’
‘Max is there, not that the two of them speak at all, but he keeps an eye without interfering. Olwen, well she’d taken him under her wing long before I arrived. He’s a part of the community and Olwen knows his boss on the local paper, as well as everyone he sees on a daily basis. If his normal routine changes in any way at all she’ll be there, checking on him and you can count on that. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be an easy time, but I saw such a remarkable change in him over the few weeks I was there. What I think he needs now is to be left alone to prove to himself that he doesn’t need anyone’s help to become the man he wants to be.’
‘I trust your judgement, Tia. I know sorry doesn’t cut it. Are you staying?’
That’s the full extent of Clarissa’s apology and yet it is an acknowledgement of the way she misjudged the situation.
‘There’s one condition. You let me run things without interference. I’ll report to you – daily if you want. But our management styles are very different. Besides, I have ideas of my own that I will run past you first, but I’m not interested in simply carrying out your orders.’
She pauses; even after the way she’s used me, her work head kicks in to evaluate the pros and cons.
‘Agreed. But anything that is a departure from the norm has to receive my stamp of approval.’
I nod. The only way I’m going to get Nic out of my head is to bury myself in my work. Losing Mum broke my heart and now losing Nic feels as if I have nothing left inside of me. Being productive is the only way I have a chance of keeping myself sane.
‘I’ll be back at my desk first thing tomorrow.’