22

BITSIE AND THE
GREEN-EYED MONSTER.

Puppets can be so immature.

I went to the studio the next Monday and everyone had something nice to say. Nick said my new short hair brought out my green eyes.³⁷ Audrey, the writer, said red was my color, even though she had every right still to be mad at me for calling her Artery. Even Mel said, “What are you all dressed up for?” which doesn’t sound like much, but from Mel it was a compliment. Believe me.

Did I say everyone had something nice to say?

I meant everyone but Bitsie.

I knew something was up from the moment we started taping the day’s episode. Bitsie didn’t try to make me laugh once. Even when Rom’s eyeball fell out and Mel threw this big hairy fit on the set, Bitsie just lay there like he was brain dead or a puppet or something. That would never have happened normally.

I tried to tell myself he was just tired or worn out. I didn’t know. Maybe there was a puppet flu going around or something.

No such luck.

That night I waited so long under the beach house that I started to think Bitsie wasn’t coming. I was actually beginning to get worried. I was just about to go look for him when he came sauntering in like he was the coolest guy at the video arcade or something. He went, “Oh, what are you doing here?” like I didn’t go there almost every night after work.

I let it go. (“Letting things go” is another thing the family counselor liked to talk about. Sometimes it’s just not worth getting into a fight.) I thought I’d tell him about my nice weekend with Kathleen.

Big mistake.

I told Bitsie about shopping for clothes. He said red brought out the color of the pimple on my chin. I told him about the hair salon. He said he liked the way my new do made my ears stick out. I told him about Mum and Dad. He said until that moment he’d been sure no one could be more pathetic than me and Nick, my little imaginary friend. I told him about watching the home decorating shows. He went on a major rant about how of course Kathleen loved that garbage! She was obsessive-compulsive! I pretended I knew what obsessive-compulsive meant because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of getting to explain it to me.

As if that would stop him.

Mr. Health Channel went into great detail about this mental condition where people become absolutely obsessed about getting everything just perfect, and if it isn’t just perfect they go completely insane. He claimed that Kathleen was the worst case of obsessive-compulsive disorder he’d ever seen.

That’s when I decided to stop just “letting it go.” What did he know? I said. Was he a psychiatrist? A psychologist?

A human being?

No.

He was just a puppet who watched too much TV! He was just jealous because Kathleen and I actually had some fun together! That’s why he had to put me and her and all my friends down like that!

There was no reason to be so mean! If Bitsie wanted to go to the mall so badly, I’d take him! All he had to do was say the word!

Me and my big mouth.

Instead of fighting back, Bitsie just went, “Okay.”

“Okay, what?” I said, all ready to let him have it.³⁸

“Okay, I want to go to the mall.”

What could I do? I had to take him. I said I would.

³⁷ Even now, my heart still explodes when I think about it.

³⁸ I was starting to understand why Bess always looked so excited about a big screaming match with my parents. For a while there, it actually felt kind of good.