I no longer see my wife and kids, and it’s all because of gambling. I won loads of money and moved to Spain.
I bet you $689.44 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Did you hear about the guy who came up with a great way of not losing money in Las Vegas? He kept playing the change machine.
Poker players: lull your opponents into a false sense of security by shouting “Snap” on the first hand.
Have you ever played gay poker? Queens are wild and straights don’t count.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Did you hear about the leper who was playing poker? He threw his hand in.
I was playing poker with Tarot Cards. I got a full house, and four people died.
What’s the difference between a prayer in a church and at the poker table?
At the poker table you really mean it.
As a guy lays down a winning poker hand, one of the other players jumps to his feet and yells: “He’s cheating! He ain’t playing the cards I dealt him!”
No one can read my poker face . . . since my stroke.
What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
Strip poker.
I went to the butcher’s and bet him $100 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. “No,” he said, “the steaks are too high.”
Gambling is an excellent way of getting nothing for something.
Gamblers Anonymous: how do they know where to send your winnings? Harry Hill
My wife has just left me because I’m a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.
Why is Las Vegas so crowded?
Nobody has the plane fare to leave.
Did you hear about the compulsive gambler who bet his girlfriend that she wouldn’t marry him? She not only called his bet, she raised him five.