I have to take my hat off to my barber – it makes it easier for him to cut my hair.
Scientists have revealed that sperm helps hair grow, which has got me wondering about my nan’s moustache.
My wife is going to a fancy-dress party as a Rastafarian and she wants me to do her hair. I’m dreading it.
Mike: “Is it sexual harassment if you go up to a woman and tell her that her hair smells nice?”
Marty: “Only if you’re a dwarf.”
Whenever I see a man with beard, moustache and glasses, I think, There’s someone who has taken every precaution to stop people doodling on photographs of him.
Can bald people get hairline fractures?
What’s the difference between an astronaut and Donald Trump’s hair?
One amazes mankind by defying the laws of gravity, and the other is a spaceman.
How can you tell that Donald Trump’s hair believes in God?
Because it’s dyed and ascending to Heaven.
Wife to husband: “I’d love to run my fingers through your hair. Can you remember where you left it?”
I don’t like the way my barber talks behind my back.
Did you hear about the guy who was so bald, it looked like his neck was blowing a bubble?
What did the bald guy say when he was given a comb?
“I’ll never part with it.”
My wife has lovely long hair all down her back. None on her head – just all down her back. Tommy Cooper
I tried some of that revitalizing shampoo. My hair was awake all night.
Why did the man comb his hair forward?
He’d heard there were fringe benefits.
A man walks into a barber’s shop and says: “Can I have a number two?” “OK,” says the barber, “so long as you don’t do it in the chair.”
Today I was taking the rip out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on. He had the last laugh, though. He sentenced me to five years.
What hair colour do they put on the drivers’ licences of bald men?
Have you heard about the new shampoo for hobos? It’s called Go and Wash.
Did you hear about the hair stylist who was fired for making waves?
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their moustache.
Wife: “Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?”
Husband: “Why not? I’ve stuck with you through the other six shades.”
A balding man walks into the barber’s shop and says: “I’d like a haircut, please.” “Certainly,” says the barber. “Which one?”
My toupee blew off in high winds yesterday. I’d say it flew about 30 feet . . . off the top of my head.
Why did the bald man have tattoos of rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares.
How do we know Moses wore a wig?
Sometimes he was with Aaron and sometimes he wasn’t.
A lot of people think I’m bald, but I just happen to prefer a very wide centre parting.
My friend was so bald you could see what he was thinking.
He was so bald that when he wore a turtleneck he looked like a roll-on deodorant.
Mike to Marty: “Look at that bald guy over there. It’s the first time I’ve seen a parting with ears.”
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
Jay London
Why did the barber charge the bald man $30 for a haircut?
$10 for the cut and $20 for the search fee.
Show me a man with a flat-top and I’ll show you a level-headed guy.
I was thrown out of our pub quiz over the question: “Where do women mostly have curly hair?” Apparently the answer was Africa.
My hair isn’t just thinning, it’s positively anorexic.
I don’t consider myself to be bald. I’m simply taller than my hair.
Barber: “Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in?”
Customer: “No.”
Barber: “Oh, dear. I must have cut your throat.”
Real men don’t waste their hormones growing hair.
Jackie: “What happened to that dumb blonde your husband used to hang out with?”
Jill: “I dyed my hair.”
My girlfriend did a 24-hour charity hairdressing marathon. By the end she was completely lacquered.
I usually find that women with long grey hair have 12 cats and a history of mental illness. Frank Skinner
When one barber cuts another barber’s hair, which one does the talking?
Woman: “My husband gave me a permanent wave, and now he’s gone for good.”
Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
So he could run his fingers through his hair.
In America, most people have the same haircut as George Wendt in Cheers. It’s the norm.
Did you hear about the woman who dyed her hair so often, her passport had a colour wheel?
Mike: “How do you get your barber to cut your hair that way?”
Marty: “I insult him.”
What should you buy if your hair falls out?
A good vacuum cleaner.
I went into a hairdresser’s, and all I could see in the back room was a huge set of antlers. I said to the proprietor: “What’s that?” She said: “Oh, that’s the new styling moose.”
Did you hear about the woman who got fired from a hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun?
My brother just couldn’t cut it as a barber.
Barber: “You say you’ve been here before? I don’t remember your face.”
Customer: “Well, it’s healed now.”
Customer: “Couldn’t you see I was going bald?”
Barber: “No, I was blinded by the shine from your head.”
How does a barber cut the moon’s hair?
Eclipse it.
Believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they’re going to relate to?
I used to be a mobile hairdresser, but it didn’t work out. Apparently not that many people have hairy phones. Gary Delaney
Customer: “Why did you take off so much hair?”
Barber: “I didn’t. Nature beat me to it!”
Patient: “Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Can you give me something to keep it in?”
Doctor: “Certainly. Here’s a paper bag.”
I got a pocket comb, but who wants to comb their pockets?
My girlfriend said she wanted a Brazilian “downstairs”. So Pele is now lodging with us.
I asked my hairdresser if I could have highlights, so he showed me a video of past haircuts.