What does a redneck say by way of foreplay?
“Hey, sis, get in the back of the truck!”
Who is the poorest person in Arkansas?
The Tooth Fairy.
What’s considered bisexual in Alabama?
Someone who likes sheep and goats.
How do you know when you’re at a redneck wedding?
Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
Did you hear the governor’s mansion in Alabama burned down? It nearly destroyed the whole trailer park.
What’s the definition of a redneck virgin?
A girl who can run faster than her brother.
Why do they throw out a sack of manure at redneck weddings?
To keep the flies off the bride.
Why is it so difficult to solve a redneck murder?
All the DNA is the same.
In India, a red dot on the forehead means you’re married. In Alabama, it’s a black eye.
A redneck driver is pulled over by a traffic cop. The cop says: “Got any ID?” The redneck says: “ ’Bout what?”
Why did the redneck think the Three Wise Men were firemen?
Because he heard someone say, “They came from afar.”
Have you seen the redneck version of Star Wars? It ends with the line, “Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle.”
Did you hear about the redneck Jedi? His father’s name was Garth Vader.
What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?
The good ol’ boy raises livestock, the redneck gets emotionally involved.
Cut and bruised and their clothes ripped to shreds, two rednecks stagger out of a zoo. One says to the other: “That lion dancing sure ain’t as restful as they make out.”
What are the toughest six years of a redneck’s life?
Third grade.
What’s the most popular chat-up line in Arkansas?
“Mmm, nice tooth!”
What do people do with broken-down cars in West Virginia?
Build a house next to them.
What’s the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
“Hey, y’all, watch this!”
Did you hear about the redneck who took his pregnant wife to the grocery store because they had free delivery?
A redneck girl watches her brother saddle up a horse. “Why have you put that saddle on backward?” she asks. He says: “How do you know which way I’m going?”
Did you hear about the redneck who took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game?
Did you hear about the redneck who studied five days for a urine test?
Did you hear about the redneck who put iodine on his paycheque because he got a cut in pay?
How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Why has the minimum drinking age in Arkansas been raised to 32?
To keep alcohol out of high schools.
What do tornadoes and redneck divorces have in common?
Someone’s gonna lose a trailer home.
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What’s the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins “Once upon a time”; a southern fairy tale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit . . .”
You might be a redneck if you go to a family reunion to find a date.
You might be a redneck if you leave the local dump with more than you took there.
You might be a redneck if you listen to the police scanner to find out how your relatives are doing.
You might be a redneck if you think fast food is running over a possum at 75 m.p.h.
You might be a redneck if your living-room sofa came from a Ford.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever told your wife to move over in bed so there’s more room for your dog.
You might be a redneck if your dad walks with you to school because you’re both in the same grade.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever waited in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You might be a redneck if your wife’s dress shoes have steel toes.
You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your mom.
You might be a redneck if you have more than three cousins named Rufus.
You might be a redneck if you have a disassembled motorcycle engine anywhere in your house.
You might be a redneck if any of your children are named after your hunting dog.
You might be a redneck if your Christmas stocking is filled with ammo.
You might be a redneck if your family tree doesn’t fork.
You might be a redneck if your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
You might be a redneck if the value of your truck depends on how much gas is in it.
You might be a redneck if you think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You might be a redneck if you own a special baseball cap for formal occasions.
You might be a redneck if the centrepiece on your dining-room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.
You might be a redneck if the rear tyres on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You might be a redneck if your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
You might be a redneck if your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever parked a Camero in a tree.
You might be a redneck if you throw a beer can out of the truck window and your wife shoots it.
You might be a redneck if your mom’s lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You might be a redneck if you and your dog use the same tree.
You might be a redneck if you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
You might be a redneck if your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
You might be a redneck if you have a wind chime in your yard made out of empty beer cans.
You might be a redneck if you go Christmas shopping for your mom, your sister and your girlfriend – and you only need to buy one gift.
You might be a redneck if your grandfather died and left everything to his widow, but she can’t touch it till she’s 14.
You might be a redneck if you have five cars that are immobile and a house that isn’t.
You might be a redneck if your penknife has ever been referred to as “Exhibit A”.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever had to scratch your sister’s name out of a message that begins, “For a good time, call . . .”
You might be a redneck if your wife has a beer belly, and you find it attractive.
You might be a redneck if you mow the grass in your front yard and find a vehicle.
You might be a redneck if you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You might be a redneck if your house has been surrounded by the FBI at least twice this year.
You might be a redneck if the billboard that reads “SAY NO TO CRACK” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
You might be a redneck if birds are attracted to your beard.
You might be a redneck if your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever painted a car with house paint.
You might be a redneck if the directions to your house include the words “Turn off the paved road”.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
You might be a redneck if your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You might be a redneck if you use weedkiller in your living room.
You might be a redneck if you think the stock market has a fence around it.
You might be a redneck if one of your kids was born on a pool table.
You might be a redneck if you think “He needed killin” is a valid defence for murder.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever used a toilet brush as a backscratcher.
You might be a redneck if your wife owns a homemade fur coat.
You might be a redneck if your masseuse uses hog lard.
You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
Did you hear about the divorced redneck who wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister?