I started a lot of fights at school because I had Attention Deficit Disorder. Of course, that meant I never finished them . . .
It wasn’t school I hated, just the principal of it.
Mother: “Hurry up, you’ll be late for school.”
Son: “What’s the rush? They’re open till 3.30.”
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils?
I was so popular in school everybody hated me.
Father: “Let me see your report card.”
Son: “You can’t. My friend’s borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
Why was the boy’s rubber band pistol confiscated during algebra class?
Because it was a weapon of math disruption.
On my first day at school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was . . . surrounded by trees and shrubs.
I used to resent being sent to boarding school as a kid, but now I can get on a plane better than anybody else.
Mother: “So how did your first day at school go? What did you learn?”
Son: “How to talk without moving my lips.”
“But I don’t want to go to school today, Mommy.”
“You have to. You’re 48, and you’re the school principal.”
When the teacher said I was average, she was just being mean.
Our local primary school has had to build a “naughty ramp” as the “naughty step” didn’t comply with accessibility regulations.
When I was at school, I was perpetually punched in the head by other kids. So my dad sent me off to learn boxing . . . where I was perpetually punched in the head by other kids. Lee Evans
IKEA has sponsored our local school. Now assembly takes ages.
At school I was teacher’s pet. She couldn’t afford a dog.
Mother: “What did you learn in school today?”
Son: “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
Mother: “Why aren’t you doing well at history?”
Son: “The teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born.”
Mother: “Let me see your school report.”
Son: “OK, but don’t show it to Dad. He’s been helping me!”
Mother: “How were the exam questions?”
Son: “They were easy. But I had trouble with the answers.”
Father: “Why is your January report card so bad?”
Son: “You know what it’s like. Things are always marked down after Christmas.”
Boy: “I can’t go to school today. I don’t feel well.”
Mother: “Where don’t you feel well?”
Boy: “In school.”
At school the teacher said I was in a class of my own. It was only later I found out the official term was “quarantine”.
Aunt: “Are you in the top half of your class?”
Boy: “No, I’m one of the students who make the top half possible.”
At the end of her first week at school, a little girl said to her mother: “I’m wasting my time there. I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk.”
My school was so posh that gym was called james.
Teacher to parent: “There’s one good thing I can say about your son – with grades like these, he couldn’t have been cheating.”
Mother: “Why have you stopped studying?”
Boy: “Because it’s dangerous. I read about someone who was shot dead because he knew too much.”
My exam results were all underwater – below C level.
Who’s to blame for the rise of drugs in schools?
Supply teachers.
Teacher to pupil: “I’m glad your writing has improved because now I can see how bad your spelling is.”
Boy to mother: “My teacher doesn’t know anything. All she does is ask questions.”
I went to the school of hard knocks. You had to – the doors were really thick.
Did you hear about the boy who skipped school to go bungee jumping? He was suspended.
Teacher: “Simon, can you say your name backwards?”
“No Mis.”
A boy tells his mother: “My teacher thinks I’m going to be famous. She says all I have to do is mess up one more time and I’m history!”
You know there’s a problem with the education system when you realize that out of three Rs only one begins with an R. Dennis Miller
My parents only sent me to boarding school so they wouldn’t have to help with my homework.
In high school I was in the French club. All we would do was occasionally surrender to the German club.
The teachers always hated me, even when I was the principal.
What did the gangster’s son tell his father after failing his school exam?
“They questioned me for two hours, Dad, but I never told them anything.”
Whiteboards are remarkable.
Boy to friend: “Sorry, I can’t come out to play this evening. I promised my dad that I would stay in and help him with my homework.”
The main purpose of education is to keep them off the streets – the teachers, that is.
Why did the teacher always put the lights on?
Because the class was so dim.
Teacher: “Johnny, you know you can’t sleep in my class.”
Little Johnny: “I know, Miss. But maybe if you were a little quieter, I could.”
Teacher: “In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia?”
Little Johnny: “Holding up the telegraph lines.”
Teacher: “Your essay on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.”
Little Johnny: “Of course it is, Miss. It’s the same dog.”
Teacher: “Did your father help you with your homework last night?”
Little Johnny: “No, Miss. He did all of it.”
Teacher: “How can one person make so many silly mistakes in one day?”
Little Johnny: “I get up early, Miss.”
Teacher: “When you’re dead, what do you want to be remembered for?”
Little Johnny: “Ever.”
Teacher: “Didn’t you hear me call you?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, but you said I mustn’t answer you back.”
Teacher: “Why are you standing on your head?”
Little Johnny: “I’m just turning things over in my mind.”
Teacher: “Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?”
Little Johnny: “Because it has four eyes but can’t see.”
Teacher: “Why does a surgeon wear a mask when he’s performing an operation?”
Little Johnny: “So that if he messes up, the patient won’t know who did it.”
Teacher: “You clearly haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?”
Little Johnny: “Well, my dad says the world is changing every day, so I decided to wait until it settles down.”
Teacher: “That’s quite a cough you have there, Johnny. What are you taking for it?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know, Miss. How much are you offering?”
Teacher: “Come on, any five-year-old should be able to solve this problem.”
Little Johnny: “No wonder I can’t do it. I’m nearly ten.”
Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Timmy’s test paper.”
Little Johnny: “I hope you didn’t see me, too!”
Teacher: “This note from your father looks like your handwriting.”
Little Johnny: “That’s because he borrowed my pen.”
Teacher: “Are you getting any parental guidance, Johnny? Tell me, what’s your father like?”
Little Johnny: “Beer and women, Miss.”
Teacher: “Where is your homework?”
Little Johnny: “I didn’t do it, Miss, because I didn’t want to add to your already heavy workload.”
Teacher: “Where is your homework?”
Little Johnny: “Our central heating broke down, so we had to burn my homework to stop us from freezing.”
Teacher: “Why haven’t you given me your homework?”
Little Johnny: “I made it into a paper airplane and someone hijacked it.”
Teacher: “Where is your homework?”
Little Johnny: “I lost it fighting a boy who said you weren’t the best teacher in school.”
Teacher: “For the last six months you’ve brought me a bag of raisins every week. Why have you stopped”?
Little Johnny: “My rabbit’s dead, Miss.”
Teacher: “Johnny, please don’t whistle while you’re studying.”
Little Johnny: “I wasn’t studying – just whistling.”
Teacher: “Would you two boys at the back of the room stop passing notes?”
Little Johnny: “We’re not passing notes. We’re playing cards.”
Teacher: “Name three collective nouns.”
Little Johnny: “Waste basket, vacuum cleaner and garbage truck.”
Teacher: “Do you say your prayers before eating?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook.”
Teacher: “When is the best time to pick pears?”
Little Johnny: “When the farmer’s not around.”
Teacher: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. So why didn’t his father punish him?”
Little Johnny: “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”
Teacher: “Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?”
Little Johnny: “Because he was dead.”
Teacher: “Does anyone know which month has 28 days?”
Little Johnny: “All of them.”
Teacher: “What was the name of Noah’s wife?”
Little Johnny: “Joan of Ark.”
Teacher: “Why are you picking your nose in class?”
Little Johnny: “Because my parents won’t let me do it at home.”
Teacher: “I told you to stand at the end of the line.”
Little Johnny: “I tried, but somebody was already there.”
Teacher: “Why have you got cotton wool in your ears? Do you have an infection?”
Little Johnny: “You keep saying things go in one ear and out the other, so I’m trying to keep them all in.”
Teacher: “You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?”
Little Johnny: “Yes, but not very much.”
Little Johnny: “I don’t think I deserve zero for my homework.”
Teacher: “Me neither, but it was the lowest mark I could give.”
Teacher: “So Johnny can’t come to school today? That’s too bad! Who is speaking?”
Voice on phone: “This is my father.”
What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable boy who took a pin into the inflatable school?
“You’ve let me down, you’ve let the school down, but most of all you’ve let yourself down.”
The secret of teaching is to appear to have known all your life something you only learnt that morning.
At school I was teacher’s pet. She kept me in a cage at the back of the class.
You know you’re a teacher if you believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You know you’re a teacher if you believe chocolate is a food group.
You know you’re a teacher if you think people should be required to obtain a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You know you’re a teacher if you get a secret thrill out of laminating something.
You know you’re a teacher if you know 100 good excuses for being late.
You know you’re a teacher if you can tell when it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
You know you’re a teacher if you believe “shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
Dr Watson: “Holmes, what’s another name for a primary school?”
Sherlock Holmes: “Elementary, my dear Watson.”