Passenger to ship’s officer: “Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?”
Why didn’t the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was sitting on the deck.
It’s rarely a good sign when you see the captain running towards you wearing a life-jacket.
Did you hear about the shipwreck survivor who clung to a huge bar of soap and was eventually washed ashore?
Consider this: the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic was built by professionals.
On the one hand, Captain Hook was pretty awesome.
How do you make a pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Wife: “When you proposed to me, you said you had an ocean yacht.”
Husband: “Just shut up and row!”
Why did the pirate refuse to say, “Aye, aye, captain”?
Because he only had one eye.
Counting the number of metal bolts along the side of a ship is not just fascinating, it’s riveting.
If I were a pirate with only one eye, there’s no way I’d risk losing the other by having a parrot with a sharp beak on my shoulder. Karl Pilkington
Where on a ship can you find a pirate’s bathroom?
The poop deck.
What did the pirate order when he went to a fish restaurant?
Pieces of skate.
What happened to the survivors of a collision between a red ship and a blue ship?
They were marooned.
A new book speculates that the designer of the Titanic had a lisp. That’s unthinkable.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Just over halfway.
Did you hear about the man who opened a yacht showroom? Sails went through the roof.
My grandfather was on a ship which sank on 5 November. He let off all the flares, but the people on the other ships just went “Ooooooh!”
The pirate captain was standing in his treasure pile. He didn’t have much – his booty was only shin-deep.
Which pirate drools continuously?
Long John Saliva.
Ancient ships were much more fuel-efficient. They got thousands of miles to the galleon.
Wife: “I put all your clothes in that little closet with the glass window.”
Husband: “You mean the porthole . . .?”
When I was a deep-sea diver, I never found any sunken ships. They said I was reckless. – Tim Vine
Why did the tugboat drown itself?
It heard that its mother was a tramp and its father was a ferry.
Why could Long John Silver never find an aspirin?
Because his parrots ate ’em all.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
Why did the passengers rush to see the musicians on the Titanic?
Because someone shouted “A band on ship.”