What’s the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe?
A tragedy is a ship full of bankers going down in a storm; a catastrophe is when they can all swim.
What do a banker and a slinky have in common?
They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
What’s the difference between a banker and a trampoline?
You take off your boots to jump on a trampoline.
I went to my bank to discuss a loan. The bank manager said: “Certainly, sir. How much can you lend us?”
What’s the difference between a no-claims bonus and a banker’s bonus?
You lose your no-claims bonus after a crash.
What’s the difference between a banker and a haddock?
One’s cold and slimy, the other’s a fish.
How do you stop a banker from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
A man went into a bank and said to the cashier: “Will you check my balance?” So she pushed him.
What’s the difference between a banker and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
What’s the difference between a bank and a rowing boat?
When you bail out a rowing boat, it stops sinking lower.
What do you have if three bankers are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
What does a banker use for birth control?
His personality.
A small boy asks a banker: “What does two and two make?” The banker says: “Are you buying or selling?”
Customer: “I’d like to speak to Mr Fisher who I believe is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”
Bank manager: “Yes, he certainly was trusted, and he’ll be tried as soon as we catch him.”
Why didn’t the banker have many friends?
Because he was a loaner.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank; give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
I used to have a lot of arguments with my bank manager, but then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst.
Did you hear that the Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed? They’ve called in the retrievers.
A banker, a politician and a nurse are at a conference. On the table is a plate with ten biscuits, of which the banker eats nine. The banker then whispers to the politician: “That nurse is after your biscuit.”
My bank sent back a cheque with a note saying “Insufficient Funds’. Them or me?
I saw a bank that offered 24-hour banking. But I didn’t go in because I didn’t have that much time.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only two tellers?
My bank usually has two windows open, except at busy times when they have one.
What’s the difference between a banker and a sperm?
A sperm has a one-in-a-million chance of turning into a human being.
What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead banker in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous bankers?
People were confused about which side to spit on.
If a banker and a lawyer were both drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A woman bemuses the bank staff by walking in with $50 in her right ear and $50 in her left ear. “Oh, don’t worry about her,” says the manager. “She’s $100 in arrears.”