Did you hear about the man who tried to kill himself with an overdose of aspirin? After taking two, he started to feel a lot better.
Bungee jumping is for suicidal people who are indecisive.
Bungee jumping is suicide with strings attached.
Why did the kleptomaniac who lost both hands commit suicide?
He just couldn’t take any more.
If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Did you hear about the suicidal twin who killed her sister by mistake?
I was so depressed, I was going to jump out of a twelfth-floor window, so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said: “On your marks . . .”
Commit suicide: 100,000 lemmings can’t be wrong.
When I was a teenager, my dad’s suicide attempt hit me hard. He landed on me when he jumped out the window.
Suicide notes: they’re a dying art form.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start. . . Steven Wright
I called the suicide hotline and was put through to a call centre in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got very excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Patient: “Doctor, I have suicidal tendencies. What should I do?”
Psychiatrist: “Pay me in advance.”
Did you hear about the man who deliberately overdosed on nitrous oxide? He was killing himself with laughter.
Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
Old man to chauffeur: “Jenkins, I’m 90 and have had enough of life. Kindly drive over the next cliff.”
I’ve agreed to help my wife in an assisted suicide. I’m paying for her driving lessons.
I phoned the Samaritans to say that I was about to throw myself under a train. They told me to stay on the line.