I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She’s done nothing but moan ever since.
I bought my wife a power fan for her birthday. She was blown away.
I bought my wife a pair of boxing gloves for her birthday. She was knocked out.
Birthday candles are for people who want to make light of their age.
I got my wife a bag and a belt for her birthday. She wasn’t happy, but at least the Hoover works fine now.
I got my wife a special limited-edition kite for her birthday. I had to pull some strings.
What did Quasimodo’s wife get him for his birthday?
A wok. She thought it would help her iron his shirts.
For her birthday, my wife told me to get something that would make her look sexy. So I got drunk.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He says it’s the most violent book he’s ever read.
I bought my five-year-old a torch for his birthday. You should have seen his face light up.
When a man has a birthday he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday she takes a year off.
Jackie: “What is your husband getting for his fiftieth birthday?”
Jill: “Bald and fat.”
For her birthday, my wife said she wanted me to take her somewhere expensive. So I dropped her off at the gas station.
My wife said: “Get me something from The Body Shop.” So I bought her a pancreas.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
The best birthday gift I ever received was a kitchen herb. There’s no present like the thyme.
For her birthday, I want to get my wife something she needs, but it’s not easy wrapping a bath.
Why do men always remember their partner’s age but forget their birthday?
Wife: “Why did you buy me such a small diamond?”
Husband: “I didn’t want the glare to hurt your eyes.”
I said to my sister: “It’s my birthday next week. Do you know what I need?” Yes,” she said, “but how do you wrap a life?”
My wife said what would really be a nice birthday surprise was if I got her something to run around in. So I bought her a tracksuit.
For her birthday, my wife said she wanted something with fur. It took me ages to find an old kettle.
It’s a terrible thing to grow old alone. My wife hasn’t had a birthday for six years.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said: “Nothing would make me happier than a 24-carat gold ring.” So that’s what I got her – nothing.
Jackie: “What did your husband give you for your birthday?”
Jill: “A skirt and sex. Both were too short.”
I’ve just had a sneaky look at my birthday presents. One is a bag of rice. I think it’s from Uncle Ben.
For my wife’s birthday, I bought her a small bottle of exclusive perfume called ample. I just hope she doesn’t notice where I scraped off the “S”.
When I was a boy, my birthday present one year was an empty box. My parents told me it was an Action Man deserter.
I never forget my wife’s birthday. It’s the day after she reminds me about it.
My wife said she wanted something black and lacy for her birthday, so I bought her a pair of football boots.
What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
“Hi, Buster.”
Mike: “I forgot my wife’s birthday last month.”
Marty: “What did she say?”
Mike: “Nothing, yet.”
The only time a man listens to a woman is when she insists she doesn’t want anything expensive for her birthday.
At first my wife thought a split tube of superglue was a lousy birthday present, but over the months she’s become quite attached to it.
My son wanted to go places, so for his sixteenth birthday I bought him a chemistry set.
What’s the best birthday present for a child?
A drum takes a lot of beating.
I got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday, although why he wants an ex-box I’ll never know.
I bought my wife a mood ring for her birthday. When she’s in a good mood, it turns green; when she’s in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
Husband to wife: “But you still haven’t used the birthday present I bought you last year – that plot in the cemetery.”
I bought my wife a kite as a surprise birthday gift. She said: “I bet there are strings attached.”
It’s my birthday today, and my wife says she’s going to make it my most fantastic birthday ever. I wonder where she’s going?
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
For her birthday my wife said she wanted something with diamonds. So I bought her a pack of playing cards.
Wife: “I’m looking forward to my fortieth birthday.”
Husband: “Yes, but you’re looking in the wrong direction.”
My wife asked me for something that does 0–60 in five seconds for her birthday. So I bought her a set of bathroom scales.