Did you hear about the blonde at a funeral? She tried to catch the wreath.
What’s the definition of paralysis?
Four blondes at a crossroads.
How do a blonde’s brain cells die?
Alone.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
What do you call 20 blondes sitting in a circle?
A dope ring.
How did the blonde try to kill her pet goldfish?
By drowning it.
Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman?
Because you have to hollow out the head.
How do you change a blonde’s mind?
By blowing in her ear.
Why was the blonde talking into an envelope?
She was sending a voicemail.
How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It’s the one with the kickstand.
Did you hear about the guy who asked his blonde girlfriend to put his laptop in hibernate mode? Six weeks later he’s still getting twigs and leaves out.
What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot.
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
An interpreter.
What’s a blonde’s idea of natural childbirth?
No make-up.
How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
I told my blonde girlfriend I wanted to go to a place that served all-day breakfast, but she said: “I could never eat that much breakfast.”
Two blondes walk into a bar. You’d have thought that one of them would have seen it.
Did you hear about the power cut at the shopping mall that left two blondes stranded on an escalator for four hours?
I said to the blonde stuck on the escalator: “Why didn’t you walk down?” She said: “Because I was going up.”
Why did the blonde weigh her watch?
To see if it was gaining time.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Did you hear about the blonde who decided to bake a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.
Why did the blonde go outside with her purse open?
She had heard there was going to be some change in the weather.
How can you keep a blonde occupied for hours?
Give her a piece of paper with “PTO” on both sides.
A blonde wife went to the doctor for some cream because she was worried about the seven-year itch.
Why did the blonde try to squeeze the cans of grapefruit in the supermarket?
To see if they were ripe.
What did the blonde say when she received a book for her birthday?
“Thanks, but I’ve got one already.”
What did the blonde say when she received a second book for her birthday?
“Thanks, but I haven’t finished colouring in the first one yet.”
Did you hear about the blonde who couldn’t understand why whenever she washed ice cubes in hot water, she couldn’t find them?
Why did the blonde give away the scarf that a friend had bought her for Christmas?
She said it was too tight.
Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
They can’t find the zippers.
Why is a blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.
A man finds his blonde wife propping up their washing machine on one side with two bricks. “What are you doing?” he asks. She says: “The washing at 30 degrees.”
What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
Nail varnish.
Did you hear about the blonde stripper who wanted iron breast implants so she could show her mettle?
What did the blonde do when she missed the number 42 bus?
She caught the number 21 twice.
Blonde to friend: “If you can guess how many candies are in my hand, I’ll give you both.”
Why didn’t the blonde go waterskiing?
She couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A thought.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
A blonde driver is stopped by a police officer who asks to see her licence. “I wish you cops would get your act together,” she grumbles. “Yesterday you take my licence away, and today you expect me to show it to you!”
Did you hear about the blonde who thought the world’s most prolific inventor was an Irishman named Pat Pending?
How do you keep a blonde at home?
Build a circular driveway.
Did you hear about the blonde who almost killed her toy poodle? She tried to insert batteries.
How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She’s the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
Shine a torch into her ear.
Why did the blonde get fired from the banana plantation?
She threw out all the bent ones.
What happened to the blonde who went to a movie theatre where the poster said: “Under-16 not admitted”?
She went home and phoned 15 friends.
Why do blondes wear pony tails?
To hide the air valve.
What is it called when a blonde dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday morning?
Tell her a joke on Friday night.
Doctor: “Have you ever been incontinent?”
Blonde: “Yes, I’ve been to Europe twice.”
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
Both are empty from the neck up.
Why couldn’t the blonde call 911?
Because there’s no 11 on the phone.
Two blondes are having an intellectual discussion about geography. Eventually one says to the other: “What’s the correct way of saying it, Iraq or Iran?”
Did you hear about the blonde who thought Doris Day was a national holiday?
How do you get a blonde to burn her ear?
Phone her while she’s ironing.
How do you get a blonde to burn her ear twice?
Phone her again while she’s ironing.
A survey shows that blondes do have more fun – they just don’t remember who with.
Two blondes are walking along an Australian beach at night. One says: “Which do you think is nearer, the moon or New York?” The other blonde says: “Hellooooo! Can you see New York?”
Did you hear about the blonde who lost her Internet connection? She put a notice up in the newsagent’s window.
What did the blonde driver say when she ran out of gas?
“Will it hurt the car if I drive with an empty tank?”
How can you steal a blonde’s seat near the front of a plane?
Tell her that only the rear half of the plane is going to Los Angeles.
Did you hear about the blonde who thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats?
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail while she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.
How do you know when a blonde has been on a computer?
There’s Wite-Out all over the screen.
After buying a Christmas tree, a blonde found it was too big to fit in her car. “You’ll have to cut the top off,” said the shopkeeper. “That’s a good idea,” said the blonde, “and I’ve always wanted a convertible.”
What do you see when you look into a blonde’s eyes?
The back of her head.
Why did the blonde throw breadcrumbs in the toilet?
To feed the toilet duck.
Did you hear about the blonde who was found frozen to death in her car at a drive-in movie theatre? She had gone to see Closed For Winter.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she’s 18.
Did you hear about the blonde who thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools?
Postcard from a blonde: “Having a wonderful time. Where am I?”
I said to my blonde girlfriend: “What would you say to a nice glass of wine?” She giggled: “Hello, nice glass of wine.”
Why do blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draught.
Going into a bank to cash a cheque from her husband, a blonde was asked to endorse it. So she wrote on the back: “My husband is a wonderful man.”
Why were there bullet holes in the mirror?
The blonde had tried to shoot herself.
Why did the blonde secretary chop off her fingers?
So she could write short hand.
How many blondes does it take to play hide and seek?
One.
A man says to his blonde girlfriend: “Look, a dead bird.” The blonde looks up to the sky and says: “Where?”
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted.
My blonde friend texted me saying, “What does ‘idk’ stand for?” I texted back, “I don’t know”, and she replied, “OMG, no one does!”
Radio quiz DJ: “What’s the capital of Wisconsin?”
Blonde: “Oh, that’s easy. W.”
The blonde was puzzled because whenever she asked what time it was, she got a different answer.
Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is.
What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her blond husband is out looking for the other man.
Did you hear about the blonde secretary who always filed her nails . . . under N?
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green “Welcome” mat is ripped to shreds.
Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy?
She wanted to stop having grandchildren.
Why did the blonde bury her driving licence?
Because she was told it had expired.
Did you hear about the blonde who went to hospital to give blood and was asked what type she was? She told them she was an outgoing cat-lover.
Why don’t blondes like M&Ms?
They’re too hard to peel.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out all the Ws.
What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proofreading.
How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
There are M&M shells all over the floor.
Why don’t blondes have elevator jobs?
They can’t remember the route.
Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can’t fetch beer from the fridge.
One blonde says to the other: “It’s a shame you’ve spoiled your lovely blonde hair by dying the roots black.”
Why was the blonde looking for the reverse button on her computer?
She’d been told to back up at the end of each day.
I told my blonde girlfriend I was going skeet shooting. She said she didn’t know how to cook them.
Why did the blonde have sex in the microwave?
She wanted to have a baby in nine minutes.
Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
She didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.
A blonde orders a pizza. The clerk asks: “Do you want it cut into six pieces or twelve?” “Six, please,” replies the blonde. “I could never eat twelve.”
Why did the blonde go to the dentist?
She wanted him to put in a wisdom tooth.
Why did the blonde move to LA?
It was easier to spell.
Two blondes are walking down the street. The first blonde says: “Look at that dog with no eyes.” The second blonde says: “How am I supposed to see it?”
Why did the blonde keep grabbing at air?
She was collecting her thoughts.
Blonde: “I get a terrible pain in my eye whenever I drink a cup of coffee.”
Doctor: “Try taking the spoon out.”
Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She didn’t want her hair to get blown about.
What did the blonde say when she dropped the priceless Ming vase?
“It’s OK, Daddy. I’m not hurt.”
Did you hear about the blonde who got locked in the bathroom? She was in there so long, she peed her pants.
Last week I got chatting to a blonde in a cemetery. She said: “Would you like to go somewhere quieter?”
My blonde girlfriend said: “I think the man who invented the clock was a genius. I mean, how did he know what time it was?”
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she’s pregnant.
Why did the blonde keep running around the bed?
She was trying to catch up with her sleep.
Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
Because her boyfriend was blond too.
A blonde is stopped by a police officer and asked to identify herself. She pulls a mirror from her purse, looks in it and says: “Yes, officer, it’s definitely me.”
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do you get if you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.
Did you hear about the blonde who put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind?
A blonde went alligator hunting to get a pair of alligator shoes. After catching her third alligator, she groaned: “Damn! This one’s barefoot, too!”
Why did the blonde get excited at finishing her jigsaw puzzle in nine months?
Because on the box it said 2–4 years.
A blonde sees a waitress with a name tag on her shirt. “Gee, that’s nice,” says the blonde. “What did you name the other one?”
Why do employers give blondes only half an hour for lunch?
Any longer and they’d have to retrain them.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, she’s got a grenade in her mouth.
Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Why did the blonde Disney fan try to make her Internet password “MickeyMinnie DonaldPlutoGoofy”?
Because she read it had to have at least five characters.
Why don’t blondes use vibrators?
They chip their teeth.
What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
A padded dashboard.
Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
More leg room.
What’s the mating call of a blonde?
“I’m soooo drunk!”
What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?
When they’re on their back, they’re fucked.
Brunette: “My husband had really bad dandruff, so I gave him Head and Shoulders.”
Blonde: “How do you give shoulders?”
What’s the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
The Grand Old Duke of York only had 10,000 men.
What’s the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons?
You can sit upright in a car.
What did the doctor say to the blonde?
“Stay out of bed for two days.”
Why do blondes wear hoop ear-rings?
So they have somewhere to rest their ankles.
Why do blondes have orgasms?
So they know when to stop having sex.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?
When you lay a brick, it doesn’t follow you around.
How did the blonde know she’d been sleepwalking?
She kept waking up in her own bed.
What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men?
Their legs.
How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
By the buckle print on her forehead.
What does a blonde use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
Why did the blonde fail her driving test?
Every time the car stopped, she jumped into the back seat.
What do bottle blondes and 747s have in common?
Black boxes.
What’s blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette . . .?
A blonde doing cartwheels.
A stunning blonde started at our office, and I heard she wanted to give me one. Unfortunately it was out of 10.
Doctor: “Are you sexually active?”
Blonde: “No, I usually just lie there.”
Why do blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
What’s the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
They know how many men went down on the Titanic.
What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
It’s hard to get an ironing board’s legs open.
What did the blonde’s right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing, they’ve never met.
Did you hear about the blonde who thought “love handles” referred to her ears?
Why don’t blondes like pickles?
They keep getting their head stuck in the jar.
What does a blonde say after having sex for the first time? “So you guys are all on the same team?”
How can you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.
A blonde goes to the doctor complaining of morning sickness. “Congratulations!” says the doctor. “Do you know who the father is?” The blonde replies: “If you ate a tin of beans, would you know which one made you fart?”