I had my neck removed two years ago, and I haven’t looked back since.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re built upside down.
Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could fit another pair of breasts in there.
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.
Stewart Francis
My figure used to be my fame. Now my fame has spread.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
A woman’s cleavage is something you can both approve of and look down on.
I’ve just plucked my eyebrows. I think they’re out of tune.
I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.
If God had meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
What did the right testicle say to the left testicle?
“The guy in the middle thinks he’s so hard!”
I owe my athletic physique to my wife and clean living. “Clean the car . . . clean the attic . . . clean the garage.”
My brother has no hands. I feel for him.
Did you hear about the tattoo artist who had designs on his clients?
What do toy train sets and women’s breasts have in common?
They’re both intended for children, but it’s the dads who play with them.
I used to be a big fan of Robocop, and now I’ve been fitted with a robotic leg. Oh, the iron knee!
What are the small bumps around women’s nipples?
It’s Braille for “suck here”.
My girlfriend says I have the body of a man half my age, which would be a nice compliment if I wasn’t 22.
Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened offices on the same street? They were arch enemies.
I’ll tell you what I’d really grown attached to: my umbilical cord.
I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length. Tim Vine
My friend’s nose is so big you could go bowling with his boogers.
I was born with a deformed penis. As soon as sex is mentioned it rears its ugly head.
My brother made fun of the hard skin on my foot. I told him not to be so callous.
Admiring his body in the mirror, a man says: “Look at that, 13 stone of pure dynamite.” His wife sneers: “Shame about the two-inch fuse.”
How did the blind woman pierce her ear?
By answering the stapler.
Castration: that’s a eunuch experience.
When he was a slim young man, my dad had a tattoo of a cheetah on his chest, but now he’s 75 it’s a giraffe.
I’ll show you my tattoo of a rose, but not outside. I’m constantly bothered by bees.
Tattoos are great for preserving memories – otherwise I would have totally forgotten about that anchor.
One more wrinkle and she could pass for a prune.
I would help but my hands are tied – five digits all.
What’s the most commonly misspelled blood group?
Typo.
Pretty girl to teenage boy in blue swimming trunks: “Hey, did you know your eyes match your trunks?”
Boy: “Why? Are my eyes bulging?”
If the palm of your hand itches, you’re going to get something. If your head itches, you’ve already got it.
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head. I hope it’s not hereditary.
I once met a girl who had trouble written all over her. It wasn’t the most artistic of tattoos.
It’s tough having a big nose. I can’t swim backstroke in the sea without someone shouting, “Shark!”
When a clown gets an erection, does he call it his funny bone?
If a man doesn’t have any fingers, can he be counted on?
How can you make five pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
One-armed butlers: they can take it, but they can’t dish it out. Tim Vine
Other people’s tattoos are like other people’s children. Only you can see how bad they are.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
So men can be open-minded.
Wife: “Jean says I’ve got the skin of a 19-year-old.”
Husband: “Well, give it back. You’re getting it all wrinkled.”
It’s not how you pick your nose but where you put the booger.
Did you hear about the man who used to pick fluff out of his belly button but gave it up for lint?
Women’s breasts are like the sun: you can look, but it’s dangerous to stare.
I’ll tell you what’s close to my heart: my left lung.
Mike: “Hey, what’s that in your ear? Since when have you worn an earring?”
Marty: “Since my wife found it in our bed.”
What’s the best way to get a youthful figure?
Ask a woman her age.
I got up this morning and thought it looked nice out, so I left it out.
Did you hear about the man who was illiterate and ambidextrous?
He was unable to write, with both hands.
My feet are killing me. Every night they grab me around the throat. – Tommy Cooper
My wife used to have an hour-glass figure, but the sand shifted.
I’ve got a 12-inch penis, but I don’t use it as a rule.
I love my six-pack so much I protect it with a thick layer of fat.
What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?
His nose.
I mixed up my anti-perspirant with my anti-depressant last night, and now my arms won’t go back down.
The last time my wife gave me a foot massage, my back ended up smelling funny.
Transsexuals just aren’t what they used to be.
Wife: “Come on then, sexy. What would you most like to do with my body?”
Husband: “Identify it.”
What’s the least sensitive part of the penis?
The man attached to it.
My wife walked into the room and said: “Have you seen my flip-flops?” I said: “I’ve seen them before. Now put your bra back on!”
My son was born with only two toes, which at least makes bedtime easier. “This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home . . . Goodnight.”