DATING

I’ve started dating Little Red Hiding Hood’s gran. She’s an animal in bed.

I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone. David Gibson

I recently dated a recluse, but I had to end it. I just couldn’t see us going anywhere.

I’ve just finished with my cross-eyed girlfriend. She was seeing someone else.

Did you hear about the couple who met in a revolving door? They’re still going around together.

I usually spend first dates asking the girl about the street she grew up on and the name of her first pet so I’ll at least have access to her passwords.

I always like to impress girls by telling them I once had a flat on Park Lane. I tend to leave out the “on my mountain bike” bit.

I once went out with a Cyclops, but we didn’t see eye to eye.

The seven qualities for the perfect girlfriend are beautiful, intelligent, gentle, thoughtful, innocent, trustworthy and sensible – or, in short, B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

I once went out with a girl who had fiery red hair and a pale thin body. I met her on Match.com.

What did Jack the Ripper’s mother say to him?

“How come you never go out with the same girl twice?”

I used to see this girl across the road from me, but she closes her curtains now.

I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our dogs get on.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 11 months now, although the first three months she didn’t know it.

A girl phoned me the other day. She said: “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home. Rodney Dangerfield

Jackie: “What happened to that handsome man who sent you flowers every week?”

Jill: “He married the girl who sold him the flowers.”

My girlfriend said I was a real catch – but only because I had a face like a cod.

My girlfriend came round last night. I didn’t even know she’d been in a coma.

A blind date is when you expect to meet a vision and she turns out to be a sight.

I asked my girlfriend to tell me something that would make me happy and sad at the same time. She said: “You’ve got a bigger dick than your dad.”

Did you hear about the girl who went out with a postman? At the end of the date, he dropped her off at the wrong house.

I made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap, but she’s a bit clingy.

My girlfriend’s a wonder: every time I see her, I wonder why I’m going out with her.

I could tell my last date didn’t really like me. There was something about the way she asked for the money.

Why did the girl in a wheelchair end up back in hospital?

Her date stood her up.

I used to go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl. Tim Vine

A female gondolier asked me out last week. I said: “You must be joking. I wouldn’t touch you with a barge-pole.”

My girlfriend said I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

Did you hear about the matchmaking agency that caters exclusively for Siamese twins? It’s called Connect 4.

I used to go out with a stage hand from the local theatre company. But I called it off because every time we went out she made a scene.

I’ve got a new anorexic girlfriend, but it’s not going too well. I’m seeing less and less of her.

I once went out with identical twins called Earth and Water. I soon found out their names were mud around here.

I’m dating a girl who works at Marks & Spencer. That way I can exchange her if I don’t like her.

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs. She had a ridiculously long name.

What’s the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

You can drop her off anywhere.

I once dated a supermarket cashier because she was always checking me out.

All the women on the 55 Internet dating sites I’ve joined seem so sad and desperate.

A young couple park up in a lovers’ lane at night. The girl says: “It’s so peaceful. Just listen to the crickets.” The boy replies: “They’re not crickets, they’re zippers.”

I was engaged once to a girl with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

I met a chick in Kiev. Milton Jones

Chatting up a girl in a bar, I said: “What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles and is an anagram of “ ‘pensi’?” It was only when she pulled my pants down at her apartment a few minutes later that I told her the answer was “spine”.

I don’t trust my imaginary girlfriend. I think someone else is seeing her.

Did you hear about the couple who met at a summer fair? Fête brought them together.

Everything my girlfriend does is magic, so I had her burnt at the stake.

My girlfriend dated a clown before we got together. So I’ve got some pretty big shoes to fill!

I said to my sister: “Why do you still go out with that sadist?” “I don’t know,” she said. “Beats me.”

I once dated a girl who wore an eye patch. She said she wanted to stop seeing me, so I poked her in her good eye.

I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and it’s getting serious. She’s asked me to move out with her.

My sister has been stood up more times than a bowling pin.

My new girlfriend really takes my breath away. She’s inflatable.

I met a girl in a club, and she said she’d show me a good time. So we went outside, and she ran the 100 metres in 10.74 seconds.

My girlfriend sent me a “Get Better Soon” card. I’m not ill, just not very good at sex.

A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. Rodney Dangerfield

My girlfriend said to me: “Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable . . . like a coma?”

I was on a date with this gorgeous girl. Well, when I say it was a date, we just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.

My last girlfriend looked like Elle Macpherson, only shorter and Filipino.

Few things are more expensive than a girl who is free for the evening.

I went on a date with a bionic girl. Afterwards she said: “Part of me would like to see you again . . .”

I get very nervous on a first date, which is surprising as they are the only kind I have.

I met this girl who asked me to paint the town with her. It turned out it was part of her community service.

I said to my girlfriend: “For you I would climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest ocean and cross the hottest desert. So I’ll see you tomorrow . . . provided it’s not raining.”

With girls, I don’t think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex. Rodney Dangerfield

I tried Internet dating, but I quickly realized it wasn’t for me when they matched me up with my wife.

My girlfriend thinks I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not actually my girlfriend yet.

My new girlfriend has been around the block a few times. Like most women, she’s lousy at parking.

A girl rushed home to tell her mother: “I’ve found a man just like Dad!” The mother said: “What do you want from me? Sympathy?”

I got told off for not opening the door for my girlfriend on a date. Instead I just swam to the surface.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody. Jay London

I’ll never forget winning my girlfriend’s heart – what a hospital raffle that was!

I asked a girl if I could see her home, so she got out a photograph.

I used to date a girl called Helvetica, but it didn’t work out. I guess she just wasn’t my type.

I’m seeing this girl with eczema. She’s got a cracking body.