A man went to the doctor and said: “Do you treat alcoholics?” “Yes,” said the doctor. “Oh, good,” said the man, “get your coat on, I’m skint.”
A man had trouble with his hand and wanted to show it to the doctor. Three fingers were willing to co-operate but the thumb and forefinger were opposed.
Why did the doctor carry out blood tests on secretarial candidates?
So that he could eliminate type-Os.
Doctor: “Do you drink to excess?”
Patient: “I’ll drink to anything.”
Holding a stethoscope to a young female patient, the doctor says: “Big breaths.” “Yeth,” replies the girl, “and I’m thtill only thixteen.”
Never trust a doctor whose office plants have all died.
My doctor charges so much, when he gets sick he can’t afford himself.
Patient: “My daughter believes in preventative medicine, Doctor. She tries to prevent me from making her take it.”
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The patient couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
Patient: “What’s wrong with me, doc?”
Doctor: “Well, I think it could be pneumo-bacterisilimicroscopioniasis, but it’s hard to say.”
A paper bag tells the doctor: “I’ve got a terrible disease.” The doctor says solemnly: “I’m afraid it’s hereditary. Your mother may have been a carrier.”
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 70.” Patient: “I am 70!” Doctor: “See, what did I tell you?”
The doctor told me I’d got just four minutes to live. I said: “Is there anything you can give me?” He said: “A boiled egg.”
Woman: “You say you’re a naval surgeon? My, how you doctors specialize!”
Doctor: “I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you. I think it’s due to drinking.”
Patient: “In that case, I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
I went to the doctor. I said: “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said: “You’ve got cholera.” Tim Vine
Dermatologists often make rash statements.
How did the doctor get into dermatology?
He had to start from scratch.
What’s the difference between a haematologist and a urologist?
The haematologist pricks your finger.
What does a gynaecologist do when he feels sentimental?
He looks up an old girlfriend.
How is a gynaecologist like a pizza delivery man?
Both get to smell the goods, but neither one can eat it.
What do puppies and near-sighted gynaecologists have in common?
Wet noses.
Gynaecologist: “Relax, Madam. Haven’t you ever been examined like this before?”
Patient: “Yes, but not by a doctor.”
Did you hear about the gynaecologist who papered the hall through the letterbox?
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree, and a gynaecologist looks up your family bush.
Why do women prefer elderly gynaecologists?
They have shaky hands.
If tennis players get tennis elbow and squash players get squash knees, do gynaecologists get tunnel vision?
The doctor says I can have up to 20 units a week. I’m not sure I want to eat my kitchen. Milton Jones
Did you hear about the proctologist who uses ferns to clean out your system? His motto is: “With fronds like these, who needs enemas?”
Why is it that you wait six weeks for a doctor’s appointment and then he says: “I wish you’d come to me sooner”?
Doctor: “Did you follow my advice and drink carrot juice after the hot bath?”
Patient: “No, I haven’t finished drinking the bath yet.”
My wife was running a temperature so I phoned the doctor. He asked: “Is she hot?” I said: “Well, with a little make-up and a short skirt . . .”
Patient: “I have spent 80 per cent of my life savings on doctors.”
Doctor: “Why didn’t you come to me earlier?”
What did the doctor prescribe for the patient with swine flu?
Oinkment.
Doctor: “I haven’t seen you for a long time, Mrs Johnson.”
Patient: “I know, doctor, I’ve been ill.”
A man walked into a doctor’s office with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear. The doctor said: “That’s strange.” The man said: “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
The doctor said: “I want you to lie on the couch.” I said: “What for?” He said: “I need to sweep the floor.” Tommy Cooper
Doctor: “Why are you jumping up and down?”
Patient: “I’ve just taken that new medicine you prescribed, but I forgot to shake the bottle.”
You should go and see my doctor – you won’t live to regret it.
Doctor: “You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.” Patient: “That’s because you’ve got your hand on my watch.”
Patient: “What should I do if my temperature goes up seven more?”
Doctor: “Sell!”
Why did the doctor ask the patient to stand by the window and stick his tongue out?
He didn’t like the doctor across the street.
Doctor: “The best time to take a bath is just before retiring.”
Patient: “You mean I don’t need to take another bath till I’m 65?”
Doctor: “Have you ever given yourself a prostate examination?”
Man: “Not deliberately, but my wife sometimes buys cheap toilet paper.”
My doctor said he would have me on my feet in three weeks. He was right. I had to sell my car to pay his bill.
Ward sister: “The patient doesn’t seem to be doing very well with this new drip.”
Nurse: “No, I think he’d be better off with his old doctor.”
Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
Patient: “Well, doctor, how do I stand?”
Doctor: “I don’t know. It’s a miracle.”
Doctor: “Madam, your cheque came back.”
Woman: “So did my arthritis.”
Why did the doctor make a lousy kidnapper?
Nobody could read his ransom notes.
What did the doctor say when he found a suppository in his breast pocket?
“Some bum’s got my pen!”
Doctors write prescriptions illegibly so you can’t read that it says: “This one has insurance. Don’t kill him.”
Patient: “Tell me straight, doc. Is it bad?”
Doctor: “Put it this way: I wouldn’t start reading a long book.”
I’ve just got a job as a doctor for the World Health Organization. I didn’t want the job; I just thought I was auditioning for Doctor Who. Milton Jones
My doctor cancelled me as a patient. He said I’d gone too long without having anything expensive.
My doctor said: “Do you know your sperm count?” I said: “I didn’t know they were that clever.”
Doctor: “So you swallowed a clock two months ago? Why didn’t you come to me sooner?”
Patient: “I didn’t want to alarm you.”
“Doctor, doctor, I only have 59 seconds to live.”
“Wait a minute, will you?”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a pair of curtains.”
“Pull yourself together, man.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’m having trouble with my breathing.”
“I’ll give you something that will soon put a stop to that.”
“Doctor, doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?”
“Limp.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.”
“I’ll deal with you later.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a tennis racket.”
“Don’t worry, you’re just highly strung.”
“Doctor, doctor, I was attacked last night by a giant beetle with an axe.”
“Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’ve swallowed my camera film.”
“Well, let’s hope nothing develops.”
“Doctor, doctor, my wife has lost her voice. How can I help her get it back?”
“Try coming home at three o’clock in the morning.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m an elevator.”
“You may be coming down with something.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’m addicted to Twitter.”
“Sorry, I don’t follow you.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’ve got water on the knee, water on the elbow and water on the brain.”
“Have you tried getting out of the shower?”
“Doctor, doctor, my daughter eats only yeast and car wax, and refuses to get out of bed.”
“Don’t worry. Eventually she’ll rise and shine.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a clock.”
“Try not to get wound up.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’m on a diet and it’s making me irritable. Yesterday I bit my friend’s ear off.”
“Oh dear. That’s a lot of calories.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing hearts, spades, clubs and diamonds, and then rabbits, doves and silk scarves.”
“Don’t worry, it’s just your eyes playing tricks.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a packet of savoury biscuits.”
“You must be crackers!”
“Doctor, doctor, I’ve hurt my arm in several places.”
“Well, don’t go there any more.”
“Doctor, doctor, I can’t stop stealing things.”
“Take these pills for a week and if they don’t work, get me a 42-inch flat-screen TV.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’m a kleptomaniac. Do you have anything I can take?”
“Yes, but it will hurt, so you’ll have to steel yourself.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a caterpillar.”
“Don’t worry. You’ll soon change.”
“Doctor, doctor, my son has swallowed my pen. What should I do?”
“Use a pencil till I get there.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m shrinking.”
“You’ll have to be a little patient.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m becoming a nymphomaniac.”
“Why don’t you lie down and tell me about it?”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel bad because I’ve been having an affair with a meteorologist.”
“You’re just a bit under the weather.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like I’m part of the Internet.”
“Well, you do look a site!”
“Doctor, doctor, my right ear is warmer than my left ear.”
“You need to adjust your toupee.”
“Doctor, doctor, I can’t pronounce my Fs, Ts or Hs.”
“Well, you can’t say fairer than that.”
“Doctor, doctor, there’s a strawberry growing out of the top of my head.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’m convinced I’m a wheelbarrow.”
“You shouldn’t let people push you around.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a racehorse.”
“Nonsense! Just take one of these pills every five furlongs.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing images of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.”
“Right. How long have you been having these Disney spells?”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a moth.”
“Get out of the way, you’re in my light.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a pen wedged up my butt.”
“Sit down and write your name.”
“Doctor, doctor, look, I’ve got grass, a tree and a picnic table growing on my face.”
“Don’t worry. It’s only a beauty spot.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m suffering from déjà vu.”
“Didn’t I see you yesterday?”
“Doctor, doctor, last night I dreamt I was a wigwam, and the night before I dreamed I was a teepee.”
“Just relax – you’re two tents.”
“Doctor, doctor, the letters A, E, I, O and U really annoy me. What’s my problem?”
“You have irritable vowel syndrome.”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a spoon.”
“Sit there, and don’t stir.”
“Doctor, doctor, my baby’s swallowed a bullet.”
“Well, don’t point him at anyone until I get there.”
“Doctor, doctor, my ear is ringing.”
“Well, hurry up and answer it.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like a window.”
“Tell me where the pane is.”
“Doctor, doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
“Next time take off the candles.”
“Doctor, doctor, when I get up in the morning, I always feel dizzy for an hour.”
“Try getting up an hour later.”
“Doctor, doctor, every bone in my body aches.”
“Just be thankful you’re not a herring!”
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m an apple.”
“Hmmm. We must get to the core of this.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’ve got warts and I hate them.”
“Don’t worry, they’ll grow on you.”
“Doctor, doctor, what’s good for excessive wind?”
“A kite.”
“Doctor, doctor, that medicine you prescribed makes me walk like a crab.”
“Ah, yes, those will be the side effects.”
“Doctor, doctor, I feel like I’m at death’s door.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll pull you through.”
“Doctor, doctor, when I press with my finger here, it hurts . . . and here . . . and here. What do you think is wrong with me?”
“You have a broken finger.”
“Doctor, doctor, I’m worried that people keep ignoring me.”
“Next!”
“Doctor Doctor, don’t you get fed up with having the same surname as your profession?