Which farmer sits on his tractor, shouting: “The end is nigh, the end is nigh”?
Farmer Geddon.
Did you hear about the farmer who called his pig Ink because it was always running out of the pen?
Did you hear about the novice farmer who bought a patch of land five miles long and two feet wide? He wanted to grow spaghetti.
Why was the farmer hopping mad?
Because someone stepped on his corn.
Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
Did you hear about the farmer who couldn’t keep his hands off his young wife? So he fired them.
I know a farmer who has 200 head of cattle. He thought there only 196 until he rounded them up.
Why did the woman lose her job as a cattle herder?
She couldn’t keep her calves together.
Agriculture student: “Your methods are too old-fashioned. I wouldn’t be surprised if this tree gives you less than 20 pounds of apples.”
Farmer: “I wouldn’t be surprised either. It’s an orange tree.”
How did the farmer win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
Mike: “So you want to become a farmer? You’ll need sheep, chickens . . . herd of cows?”
Marty: “Of course I’ve heard of cows!”
A rustler raided our farm last week. Really got my goat.
What’s the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer?
A dressmaker sews what she gathers, and a farmer gathers what he sows.
Why don’t shepherds have to pay much for their equipment?
They get staff discounts.
Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his flock through town, but got a ticket for making a ewe turn?
What happened when the farmer tried to cross a lion with a goat?
He had to get a new goat.
What breed of Scottish cattle are renowned for their waterproof coats?
Gaberdine Angus.
The local farmer almost gave me a job looking after his wheat fields. I could’ve been a corn tender.
Why did the farmer bury dollar bills in his field?
He wanted the soil to be rich.
Man: “Do you think I can catch the 5 o’clock train if I take a short cut through that field?”
Farmer: “Sure – and if the bull sees you, you might catch the four o’clock.”
What did the farmer say to the barren nanny goat?
“You must be kidding.”
Did you hear about the farmer who had two windmills on his land but knocked one down because he didn’t think there was enough wind to operate two?
What do you call a person who used to like tractors?
An extractor fan.
Why do they bury farmers only three feet deep?
So they can still get a hand out.
Did you hear about the farmer who found dozens of phallic-shaped toadstools growing on his land? Unfortunately he’s now having trouble with squatters.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
A farmer spots a naked lamb in the field. “How have you lost all your wool?” he booms. “I hope you haven’t been gambolling again!”
Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar?
He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Did you hear about the farmer who tried fish farming, but gave it up when his tractor kept getting stuck in the lake?
On my first day working on the farm, a threshing machine ripped both my legs off. Still, it’s early days, and I’m sure I’ll soon find my feet.