Till My Last Breath

I watched my brother walk back to the table we shared. Cautiously, I touched his arm to gain his attention. As usual, Vermin shrugged me off like I was an annoying insect. His disdain for me was getting to be more than I cared to endure. Soon, I needed to be free of him.

With my own form of communication, I tried to convey to Vermin what I’d heard the saloon patrons discussing. Vermin watched as my hands moved rapidly about. I knew the moment it suddenly dawned on him what I was telling him about the gambler he thought he’d killed. Leaning in towards me, Vermin whispered so as not to have the whole saloon hear, “You mean to tell me that gambler is still alive?”

I vigorously nodded my head up and down in acknowledgment.

Nostrils flaring like an angry bull, Vermin slammed his fist on the table, sending our glasses crashing to the floor. Grabbing the collar of my shirt, he pulled me towards the swinging doors and out into the street.

The small room darkened as night approached. I lit the kerosene lamp with one of the matches left in a glass dish on the dresser. Turning down the wick to dim the light, I was confident no one could see me. Considering what I’d been through the past two weeks, I didn’t care if they did. Quickly slipping out of my undergarments, a soft knock sounded at the door. “Who is it?” I asked, grabbing a blanket from the rocker.

“It’s Samantha, miss. I’m one of Miss Abigail’s girls,” she whispered.

The voice sounded so young. “Just a moment.” Wrapping the blanket firmly around me, I moved to the door.

“I brought you some clean clothes, just like the sheriff asked.”

“Thank you, Samantha,” Clutching the blanket to my breast, “Please leave them on the floor outside the door, and I’ll get them in a minute. And, please, tell Miss Abigail, thank you. And thank you for bringing them over.”

“You’re welcome, miss,” came a soft reply.

Hearing soft footfalls retreating down the hall, I opened the door just a crack, picking up a brown paper package from the floor. Closing the door behind me, I placed the packet on the chair, then proceeded to take off my pantaloons. Naked, I looked into the mirror that hung over the basin, not recognizing myself. Turning from side to side, what I saw scared me. I had lost so much weight. Gone was the luster of my hair and once velvety complexion. Replaced now with a sunburn, dirt, and ghostly circles under my eyes. My once manicured nails, now cracked, looked like I had crawled through the desert.

Turning my focus back on the basin, I took up the bar of lavender-scented soap, inhaling its delicate perfume. “Where did the good doctor get this?” Not caring, I lathered up the washcloth, closed my eyes, and with slow circular movements, began gently washing my face and body.

Despite it being winter, my once alabaster skin had been exposed to the desert elements, turning my freckles a darker brown. “Just look at my face, will you?” Despite my disdain towards those blemishing dots, the warm water and lavender soap felt heavenly against my skin. Lost in the moment, and delighted in the simple act of bathing, I turned out the events of the past two weeks.

With an overwhelming sense of drowning, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into a panic state as my thoughts turned to Emily. Where was she? Had something happened to her? God, please don’t let her be dead. Struggling to surface from the nightmare, I heard a familiar voice humming sweetly. Groaning and feeling drugged, I opened my eyes. I didn’t recognize where I was. Nausea threatened, and the incessant beating drum in my head kept up its constant rhythm.

Sucking in air, I tried to sit up, failing miserably. Giving in and collapsing back, my head landed on something soft. With my good arm, I slowly reached above my head, coming in contact with a soft pillow. Sighing heavily, I placed my hand across my chest, feeling the warmth of a smooth blanket over my body.

Despite its warmth, I shook uncontrollably unable to understand why I felt so cold. Touching my face, my hand came away wet with sweat. I’m dying. That’s why I’m hearing angels sing. Mom was right. I did make it to heaven. Painfully, I turned myself to my uninjured side and looked about the room, when my eyes landed on a vision, standing naked before a mirror. It was Emily. She was alive.

Slowly inhaling, salty tears of relief streamed unbridled down my face. I’m not dead. Emily’s safe. Thank you, God. If I should die today, all I wanted was to memorize the vision before me and carry it with me to my grave.

She was so beautiful. Hoping she wouldn’t disappear, I smiled, quietly giving thanks that we were together. All I had the strength to do, at this moment, was to watch her every move. If I looked away, I was afraid she would disappear. Still, unable to control the last vestiges of ether, I fell back into a deep drug-induced sleep.

I was surprised at how well the borrowed clothes fit regardless of being faded from several washings. I didn’t care, I was clean, my dress was clean, and I could burn the calico I’d worn for two weeks.

Looking around the room for a place to dump the water, there was no sink to pour it down. Opening the window, I looked out, spotting a rose bush that obviously could use a drink. Without a second thought, I emptied the basin’s contents on the bush.

Moving to the side of the bed, I looked down at the peaceful expression on Caleb’s face. His brow was still warm, and I knew the fever still lingered. When done here, I would go down to the kitchen and boil the remaining cottonwood bark I’d brought from the cabin. Making a mental note to locate more for future use.

Pulling back the blanket to check his dressings, Caleb moaned something unintelligible at my touch. Relieved that both bandages were dry and the foul odor had dissipated, I began the task of washing him. Only to find he was completely naked under the covers. Somehow, the men who’d carried him into the clinic were able to relieve him of his blood-soaked long-johns.

Blushing, heat crept up my neck at the thought of what lay beneath the blanket. The good doctor, or one of the sheriff’s men, would have to bathe Caleb any further. “I am not going there,” I snickered. Looking at Caleb’s face, beneath that beard lay high cheekbones and a square jawline, I already knew what his tantalizing lips held.

A soft knock sounded at the door. “Miss Sweeney, may I come in?”

“Yes, of course,” I replied. “I just want te check on me patient,” Doc said, holding onto the edge of the door frame.

“I just finished bathing him as much as I could. Looking down at Caleb, “I’m worried.” Brushing a wayward lock of his hair back into place. “He still has a fever.” Looking directly into Doc’s eyes, “Do you think he’ll die?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

I watched the warring emotions play out on his face before coming to stand next to me. Placing a hand on my forearm, “I will be honest with ye. You know as well as I do, it will be touch and go te next few days. Let’s just hope he has enough fight left in him.”

Laying my hand over his, “I’m praying he does.” Holding back tears, “Do you know where I can locate a cottonwood tree?”

“Yes, there are several trees just outside of town along the river as you head towards the hills. I can send one of the boys to fetch some.”

“If you think they know what to look for, that would be helpful. I don’t feel like wandering around in those hills again.” At least not for a very long time. Hopefully, never, if I had anything to say about it!

Washing his hands in freshwater, my grandfather checked Caleb’s bandages, then asked, “Are ye hungry? You haven’t eatin’ since ye got here.”

I’d almost forgot how hungry I’d been upon arriving in Yuma. Due to rationing out our food, I’d eaten little in the past few days. “To answer your question, yes, I’m famished. But I don’t think I could eat much. “Something light like bread and jam?”

“Ist that all ye be eating now?” he asked with concern.

Patting my abdomen. “Even though I’m hungry, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep down a large meal right now.”

“Ah!” my grandfather paused, smiling, and nodding, his question drifting past his lips. “Ifin’ ye don’t mind me asking,” he said, staring at my stomach, “Are ye in the family way?”

“What!” Following the direction of his eyes, I repeated his question to make sure I understood, “Family way?” After a minute of stunned silence, I looked down at my abdomen, then back up to my grandfather. Emphatically, I answered, “Good heavens. No! I most certainly am not in the family way.”

Pointing towards Caleb, I sputtered, trying to sort out my words, “I. He. We didn’t. We haven’t been together in the way you’re thinking. I hardly know the man.” I needed to make sure he knew I spoke the truth.

“Beggin’ your pardon, I misspoke. I didn’t mean any offense. It’s alright, girl. You owe me no explanation. I just want to make sure that yer well. That’s all.” With that, he turned for the door, stopped, and looked back, seeing only kindness and concern in his eyes. “I’ll bring you some tea, bread with butter, and a wee bit of jam.”

Flustered, I was too embarrassed to look at the doctor for fear he would guess just how much I really cared for Caleb. “That would be nice. Thank you.”

After eating, I pulled the chair up close to the bed. I was afraid if I left Caleb’s side, he would die alone, and then what would I do? No, I was staying right here as long as I could.

The day had been uneventful with Caleb sleeping through it. The only time I left the room was to use the privy. Doc checked on him one last time before letting me know he was turning in for the night. Settling back in the chair, I looked out at the beautiful star-studded sky. Bone tired, my aching muscles gave way, and the tension released its rigid grip. Closing my eyes, I wondered what I would be doing now if I was still back in Seattle. There would be work, the staff Christmas party, shopping, more work, more shopping, and yes, fighting that I-5 crazy-person-making-traffic. Even though I longed to be alive once again in 2019 with its modern comforts and medicine, I would not have this adventurous life I was now experiencing. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have Caleb.