CHAPTER 15: INPUT OVERLOAD

Can we pause to address the elephant in the room—er, book? Previous generations of sensitive souls only had to manage the burdens of their families, friends, and local communities; you and I have to process all the pain and poverty and imperfection of the entire globe as it pours in through our devices. Our constantly connected world delivers a relentless flood of emotional input. It’s no wonder our poor beleaguered membranes become overwhelmed. Sometimes they shut down and shut it all out, leaving us feeling distant and detached. Other times they break down and let it all flow in, leaving our emotions in a state of crisis.

For me, the emotional minefield of the news and social media is summed up in the story of the oak-tree man. I don’t know his name, but I remember his story from the nightly news: how one wind-whipped, rain-slung Atlanta night, he loaded his family, a wife and two daughters, into their car on the side of the street. Maybe it was a we-have-cabin-fever-so-let’s-brave-the-rain-and-splurge-on-Chick-fil-A night, or maybe it was a Grandma’s-sick-so-let’s-cheer-her-up trip.

At any rate, at first the oak branches overhead provided shelter from the rain as the family struggled with umbrellas and car seats—but then came a violent ripping sound. In the wet dark, they couldn’t see the ground heaving, the roots tearing loose from sodden soil, the ancient trunk leaning, falling, crashing down. The wife and both children were killed; the man survived. Their tragedy was just a passing mention on the evening news, barely forty-five seconds of airtime, but twenty years later, I carry that family with me. I still ache for that man, still pray for him, still carry a bit of his burden. Perhaps you have stories like this you carry too.

If you are a big feeler, you are going to be more deeply affected by suffering around the world. Once you invite the nightly 6:00 horrors into your home—factions! flood! famine!—they will want to unpack their suitcases and stay a night or two or ten. We have to be intentional about how often and to what extent we invite the burdens of acquaintances and strangers into our hearts—and onto our devices.

Although social media can be a source of connection, camaraderie, and creativity, dangers abound for the sensitive soul. Because once you see that picture with the poignant caption—My neighbor’s niece’s cousin’s toddler—see the adorable curls and ginormous angelic eyes?—is sick. Please pray and donate and join our weekly prayer chain—you won’t be able to un-see it. You won’t be able to un-care. Of course, seeing and caring aren’t bad things—they are reflections of God’s heart! But as humans, we have limits—emotional and spiritual limits, time constraints, daily responsibilities—and so we must parcel out our energy and resources wisely. This allows us to concentrate wholeheartedly on seeing and caring about the people and problems God has assigned specifically to us.

HOW MUCH MEDIA SHOULD YOU LET IN?

Let’s talk about media habits that can help to preserve your serenity, not to mention your sanity. As overarching principles, keep in mind the biblical calls to fix our eyes on Jesus (see Hebrews 12:2) and to set our minds on things above rather than on earthly things (see Colossians 3:2). If we’re not careful, the constant influx of media can consume our thoughts, our hearts, and our time. So what lifestyle choices can we make to cultivate the kind of thought life God wants us to have?

1. Know your limits and limit your exposure.

Different types of feelers have different relationships with social media, and we can all learn from one another. While the big feelers may find social media overwhelming, steady and reluctant feelers may not feel the same way. Because they are able to compartmentalize emotions, steady and reluctant feelers can regulate how much others’ struggles and heartaches affect them. That’s a skill we big-feeling types would love to learn from you! However, I have some steady-feeling and reluctant-feeling friends who occasionally feel guilty about their strength—they see weepers like me getting undone by every sad post, and they wonder if their hearts are hard or unloving. While there may be times when you need the big-feeling types to soften you up, don’t feel guilty for being wired the way you are—big feelers need you!

Only you know how much you can handle, but here are a few practices to try out.

And lest you think it’s unrighteous to have some boundaries when it comes to your emotional intake—choosing not to engage in certain issues—take a look at this moment in Jesus’ ministry:

Someone in the crowd said to him, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.”

Jesus replied, “Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?” Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.”

LUKE 12:13-15

Although I’m sure Jesus cared about this man and his problem, he refused to be drawn into a family spat. The Lord did go on to tell a story about greed and how we should focus less on estate planning and more on where-will-my-soul-go-when-I-die planning, but that was as far as he engaged. He kept moving with his life and ministry.

2. Recognize levels of intimacy and influence.

That leads us to a related topic: levels of intimacy. Our emotional energy—vast as it may feel—does have limits and needs to be rationed. If we use up all our emotional energy on the heartache of people we barely know—or never will know—we won’t have much left for the people whose daily lives are intimately and inextricably intertwined with ours: significant others, children, parents, dearest friends.

Like it or not, we have tiers of relationships:

If you think this concept of levels of relationship is unspiritual, think again! Even Jesus had different circles of human relationships:

Jesus devoted his attention to each group differently.[1] He frequently spent time alone with the Twelve, retreating (as best he was able) to secluded places so he could teach them privately. Close as he was to his disciples, he was closer still to three of the Twelve: James, John, and Simon Peter. Jesus reserved a few unique experiences for these men (see Matthew 17:1-8; 26:36-38). And like us, he had other, larger groups of people he dearly loved but with whom he spent less time.

I find it helpful to keep in mind that other people’s emotions should affect me in accordance with the position they occupy in my heart. In other words, a heartache in my son’s life is going to affect me more deeply and for a longer period of time than, say, a heartache befalling an acquaintance on Facebook or a stranger across the globe.

Of course, these soft hearts of ours may struggle to differentiate the intensity of our responses. We big feelers are often tempted to fling all the feels at all the people all the time. When an acquaintance or stranger’s suffering enters our radar, we have to help our emotions react accordingly by reminding ourselves, As awful as this tragedy is for that person I knew in middle school or that suffering stranger in Mongolia, I can’t unleash the full force of my empathy here for a prolonged period of time. It’s not that we can’t feel—or don’t feel—for that person. Our thin membranes ensure that their pain is bound to cross into our hearts. But we try to temper the intensity of the dosage of pain we receive and limit the length of our engagement.

If you are a steady feeler, you may not face this struggle as often, but you will occasionally encounter stories and sorrows that kick you in the gut and leave you winded. They may catch you off guard and unprepared because you’re usually so steady! In those times, you also may need to limit the extent of your exposure and the length of your engagement.

Reluctant feelers, who prefer life to be orderly and logical, sometimes need the opposite advice: you may need to consciously choose emotional engagement with the outside world. Yes, our world is a messy place—so much drama and pain, so much sin and hurt—and you may prefer to focus on your own problems and stay out of other people’s messes, but remember: the rest of us need you! Although you may be great at delineating emotional boundaries—“I’m not getting caught up in that—it’s not my problem”—you don’t want to harden yourself against all problems outside your immediate relationships. If you find yourself in a place where little moves you and everything feels distant, perhaps your heart is becoming too clinical and it’s time to practice some intentional empathy.

So what do we do with someone else’s burden once it comes inside? As we discussed in chapter 8, we wrap it up in a new membrane, or container—specifically prayer and compassion, and sometimes action—and as we pray, we propel that person’s need, along with the emotions that accompany it, into God’s capable hands. And there we leave it, knowing he is the one who can actually do something about it.

Sometimes the only thing we can do is pray, but other times our prayer reveals actions we can take—and when that happens, we should act! God gives us empathy not just as an emotion, but also as a catalyst for service. As feelers, we are not just God’s heart here on earth; we are also his hands and feet. And when our hearts reveal acts of compassion and service that God is calling us to do, let us put our hands to work fulfilling our God-ordained role the best we can. What a relief that action can be! Instead of sitting around feeling helpless, we have an outlet—something to do with all our compassion. Our actions may not completely resolve the problem or alleviate the suffering, but at least they are a start, and we can rest easier knowing God can finish the work he has begun through us. And then—again—we circle back to prayer, where we place our burdens in God’s almighty hands.

Yes, I know this is easier said than done—and certainly easier said than felt. But it’s a necessary emotional skill. An essential skill we must continue to hone over time—for the rest of our time here on earth.

This earth of ours seems to grow larger and smaller every day, as technology transforms and intertwines our relationships—even from across the globe. As with most changes, the increased connection brings both blessings and difficulties. Although some of us may long for simpler days and wish we lived in the pre-smartphone, pre-twenty-four-hour-news-cycle world, God in his wisdom put us in this one. And it’s up to us to adopt an intentional, healthy lifestyle that doesn’t drive us to hermitude but allows us to be good neighbors and loving friends and family members. People who aren’t afraid to open the windows and doors and let the fresh air—and friends—come inside.

FEELING YOUR WAY FORWARD

Prayer Prompt

Your eternal word, O LORD,

stands firm in heaven.

Your faithfulness extends to every generation,

as enduring as the earth you created.

Your regulations remain true to this day,

for everything serves your plans.

If your instructions hadn’t sustained me with joy,

I would have died in my misery.

I will never forget your commandments,

for by them you give me life.

I am yours; rescue me!

For I have worked hard at obeying your commandments. . . .

Oh, how I love your instructions!

I think about them all day long.

PSALM 119:89-94, 97, NLT

Journal Prompts

  1. What earthly things tend to take up a lot of your thoughts? How can you either think less about those things or bring God into your inner dialogue?
  2. How does social media affect you? How would you describe its influence on your faith? Your relationships? Your spiritual and emotional health?
  3. What one change would you like to make in your social media habits?
  4. We talked about different categories of relationships in our lives (inner circle, daily circle, shoulder-brushing circle, etc.). Which person or group of people in your life would you like to devote more emotional energy to? How might you make room for that change?