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Diana
My eyes fluttered open the next morning and I already knew what had happened. The emptiness hung there, even though my body hadn’t explored the bed yet. I braced myself for the disappointment. For the sadness I knew would overwhelm me. Then, I drew in a deep breath and moved my arm off my chest.
My hand fell to the empty side of the bed next to me and I felt sadness pool in my chest. Disappointment washed through my veins as I laid there, staring at the ceiling while my body ached in glorious pleasure. What the hell was it going to take to get Ethan in bed with me all night? Last night had been insane. It was intense, and erotic, and so romantic. It was the most romantic thing I’d ever experienced. I knew we shared something. I had no doubt in my mind about it any longer. But waking up in an empty bed constantly placed doubts in my mind.
Was it possible that Ethan wasn’t staying with me because he didn’t feel the same way I did?
I pulled myself out of bed and put my clothes back in. I waited until the hallway was quiet, then I slipped out and back into my room. I chucked my clothes into a corner and made my way for the bathroom, ready for a warm shower to slowly ease my aching muscles. Was it possible I had given my heart to the wrong guy?
Yeah, it was possible.
It had happened before. Twice, in fact. Well, I hadn’t fully given my hart to either of them, but I had started the process. I tried trusting them and relying on them to see if they were worth their weight in salt. And both times, I got to a point where I saw myself falling in love with them. Having a future with them. Creating a life with them. Then, it bit me in the ass.
I was worried that Ethan and I would meet the same fate.
In some ways, I’d already fallen in love with him. I’d never felt this way about a man before. Sure, I’d indulged in my fair share of hookups. But serious boyfriends were few and far between, and both times I’d had them I didn’t feel anywhere near this strongly. It worried me. As I washed my hair and allowed the warm water to ease the tension from my muscles, I wondered if I had made a mistake.
I wondered if Ethan still regarded me as a mistake.
It was hard not to think about it. After all, I’d slipped from the beds of many men. And there were two reasons why I did so. One, because I woke up and didn’t want them to wake up and get the wrong impression about us; or two, because they were nothing but a hookup and I didn’t want to be reminded of it any more than I had to be. One was based out of a fear that the guy would read more into it, and the other was based on my shame.
The idea of Ethan doing that to me made my heart hurt.
I stepped out of the shower and got myself ready for the day. Drying off, I slipped into some clothes, and decided to do my makeup and hair. Maybe I could catch his attention by being the beautiful woman I knew I was. I put on a pair of shorts that were a little too short for my father’s liking, and curled my hair. I applied my crimson lips and cat-eye makeup, making sure to wear a pair of heels that really flexed my legs. A loose little shirt that fell off my shoulder along with a multicolored bra strap was sure to catch his eye.
I was in for another bucket of disappointment, though, once I made my way downstairs.
Ethan was already locked away in his office and annoyance filled my body. I knocked on the door and announced myself, but I didn’t even here so much as an answer. Fine. If he really wanted to regard me as nothing more than something to be ashamed of, then I wasn’t wasting any more time on him. I wasn’t staying cooped up in the house with him, either.
A walk was in order. Yes, I wanted to take a walk. To get some fresh air and enjoy the world around me a little bit.
Changing out of my heels and into some flats, I made my way towards the backyard. I followed the same trail and found myself walking through the same secret garden he had showed me a week or so ago, and a smile crossed my cheeks. It really was beautiful out there. The small lake reflected the sky perfectly and the stone-foundation gazebo called to me again. I made my way over to the gazebo and walked inside, my eyes scanning the pillows and the glassless windows and the inlaid stone seats.
I felt a peace come over me. A calm unlike anything I’d ever experienced. And I wondered what it was from.
Sitting on the edge of the stone benches, I looked around the gazebo. And everywhere I looked, there was evidence of Ethan’s childhood. I found more army men stuffed underneath the pillows and a couple of small hats shrouded in a shadowy corner. I slipped from the bench and knelt down, looking underneath the stone seating. I pulled out more army men and a couple of miniature toy guns. The smallest little boy hoodie I’d ever seen and one lonely sock. My smile grew as I discovered more and more of Ethan in this place. Little Ethan, baby boy, enjoying his secret world.
Then, my eyes scanned up the wall and I found a carving in the corner.
I got up and walked towards it, my fingers tracing over the tainted stone. The carving was shaky, at best. My fingernail ran along the letters as I drew in a deep breath, my eyes dancing over the heart shape that was filled with initials.
ES + LJ = 4-EVER
I knew ‘ES’ was Ethan Stark. That much was for certain. The mark of his childhood was all over this gazebo. But who was ‘LJ’? And what happened to forever? It was obviously part of his past. And something—or someone—that had meant a great deal to him. I couldn't stop tracing over the image. Over the heart. Over the initials. I couldn't stop feeling the energy that coursed up my arm as memories poured from the walls of the gazebo. Electricity shot up my arm in a flash and I pulled away, suddenly spooked by the memories that the walls had absorbed.
It was time to be heading back anyway. For all I knew, Ethan had called the damn National Guard to find me by now.
If he even knew I was gone in the first place.
Back at the house, I heard Rebecca humming in the kitchen. Not a soul was to be found as I made my way in there, and it made me sigh. I guess Ethan hadn’t realized I’d left after all. I saw her making sandwiches and stacking them onto a plate, and when she heard me coming in she turned around and smiled at me.
“Hey there, Diana.”
“Hey, Mrs. Stark.”
“You can call me Rebecca, you know.”
“What are you up to?” I asked.
“Just making some sandwiches for the guys.”
“Need any help?”
“Actually, yes. I need the chips out of the pantry and the meat from the pull-out drawer in the fridge.”
“I’m on it,” I said.
This was my chance to get some information out of Ethan’s mother about who ‘LJ’ might have been.
“So, what was Ethan like when he was younger?” I asked.
She cast me a side-glance before a grin spread across her cheeks.
“He was an adventurous little boy. Always playing with these little action figures and losing them all around the house. I stepped on more of them throughout the course of my life than anything else.”
“I can’t imagine that would’ve felt good,” I said.
“It didn’t. I’ve got plenty of scars on the bottoms of my feet to prove it.”
“Ouch. Any stitches?”
“Many. But I never told him that. He was a sensitive boy, too. Always worried about me. So, I never gave him a reason to if I could help it,” she said.
“What about school? Did he like school?”
“Loved it. Especially when it got into high school.”
“Because of the girls?” I asked coyly.
And when Rebecca didn’t respond, I looked over at her to see if she was okay. I watched her stare grow far-off. She sort of blanked out for a second before she shook her head and came back to reality. She handed me a piece of bread with mustard and mayonnaise on it, and I filled it with meat and cheese before grabbing another slice of bread and finishing off the sandwich.
“His favorite subject was science, believe it or not. I knew for a fact he was going to be a scientist one day, until he expressed interest in joining the military after getting a degree in absolutely nothing to do with the subject,” she said.
“Doesn’t sound like Ethan dated much,” I said.
“Not since high school, no.”
I eyed her carefully, waiting to see if she would offer up the information.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, yeah. It’s just—”
I turned my body towards her, pausing the sandwich-making so I could look her in her eyes. There was so much pain and sorrow. Hurt and anguish. She dabbed at her eye before she placed her knife down, then she turned to me and sighed.
“Ethan’s a good man. But, he’s not without his faults. I know you’re curious about him. I can tell. And I know he’s curious about you, too,” Rebecca said.
“I’m more concerned right now with the button I’ve obviously pressed. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up such obviously painful memories,” I said.
“High school was hard on Ethan. It was hard on all of us, really. He was a good boy, and found himself a sweet girl to spend his time with. But, life doesn’t always go as planned, and she passed away at a very young age.”
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.”
I reached my arms out for Rebecca and wrapped her up in a hug. I no longer cared about the initials. All I cared about was the woman in front of me that was obviously still grieving a loss Ethan experienced in high school.
Was that why he was always so closed-off? Because he still hurt, too?
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.
Rebecca sniffled and pulled away before she picked up a napkin and wiped at her eyes.
“Layla was a beautiful girl. Vibrant. Soft-spoken. Full of life. Ethan was hell-bent on marrying her. He came to us on the night of their senior prom and announced that once they graduated, he was going to ask her to marry him.”
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“Yeah. He was head-over-heels with that girl, and it was obvious as to why. The two of them fit one another like a glove, you know? She was the sweetest girl we’d ever come across. Blue eyes. Blonde hair. She came from a good, strong family with good, strong morals. Those two could talk about anything, or nothing. The only trouble Ethan ever got into in high school was when we caught him sneaking out to go talk with her on her porch.”
I felt my heart sink as my hand slid up and down Rebecca’s arm. I tried to comfort her, but I couldn’t help how my mind swirled. How my stomach sank. I was almost certain the ‘L’ in ‘LJ’ stood for ‘Layla,’ and the way Ethan’s mother described her made her sound like a dream. Like the sweetest southern belle to ever exist. And learning that Ethan had every intention of marrying her answered so much.
It especially answered why he was ashamed of me.
I was nothing at all like her. I didn’t look like her, or sound like her, or hold myself like her. If Ethan had a type, I was the complete opposite.
“Ethan changed after that. He ventured into this shell he never really came out of,” Rebecca said.
“It looks like all of you guys suffered somewhat of the same fate with her death,” I said.
“We never talked about it much. Not after the funeral. It made Ethan upset and I hated seeing him that way. But her death impacted all of us. The entire neighborhood. We all grew up together. I bought Girl Scout cookies from her as a little girl. I babysat her when her parents wanted to go on date nights. She and Ethan practically grew up together. And when she died, it felt like one of my own children died as well.”
I wrapped my arms back around Rebecca, not knowing what else to do. But if Layla was the person behind the initials in the gazebo, it made sense. If Ethan took the ‘forever’ part seriously, there was a chance he was still in love with his high school sweetheart. The girl next door. The sweet, doe-eyed beauty his mother kept describing. I’d never be able to compete with something like that. I could never compare with the beauty of a soft, southern girl. I wrapped Rebecca up tight and let her release the emotions she’d held in for all these years, and I forced my mind to stop swirling. To stop analyzing. To stop dropping pieces into place.
But I couldn't help it. Her story answered so much.
And even though I tried to push past it, it had me worried. I couldn’t compete with a ghost. Especially a perfect one. Maybe Ethan was ashamed of me. Ashamed of cheating on the one true love of his life, with the likes of me.
Fuck. I’d done it again.
I’d given my heart to the wrong man.
