I have Mila sandwiched between me and the wall. Her hot mouth kisses me hard and slow.
“You want to get out of here?” I ask, pressing my forehead to hers.
“Yeah.”
“Are you going to watch me as I drive?”
“You’re not allowed to joke about how pathetically obsessed I am with you.”
“You want to talk pathetic? Mila, I’ve wanted you for years, and I could barely say hello to you in the street.”
“How many years?”
“Oh, no, I’m telling you that yet.”
“Why not?”
I push away from the wall and take her with me. “Let me have my pride, please.”
“Nope.”
“We can stand outside a restaurant discussing this or you can let me take you home so I can tie you to my bed again.”
“The tying thing, but this isn’t over.”
“I have no doubt.”
Mila takes my hand and holds on like she hasn’t just heard that I’ve liked her for a very long time. Where does she think I’ll go?
“You didn’t say you were seeing anyone,” a voice spits from the alleyway.
Mila and I look over to see Liam standing with crossed arms, glaring at us.
Why can’t this idiot just stay gone?
“What do you want, Liam?” she asks.
When did she tell him she was still single?
“I was… then,” she tells him.
“A lot changed in a couple of weeks.”
They spoke just weeks ago and she didn’t tell me.
I feel it happening. I’m detaching, my mind pulling away and taking me somewhere safe. I got really good at doing that after Grandad died. My therapist said it’s unhealthy, but it was the only way I could cope with finding him and the guilt of not being there earlier.
If something or someone is going to hurt you, back off so it’s not too bad.
If Grandad had been able to do that, he wouldn’t have spent the rest of his life grieving Nan.
I want to run away, but I brought her here tonight.
Each breath I take is an effort—short, ragged breaths that could quite quickly make me sink.
I know what Grandad was talking about now. I’m going to lose Mila. She always goes back to him. Losing someone you love changes you. It changed him. He rarely smiled again. He spent every day until he died wishing for night so he could go to sleep and be at peace.
“Liam, please just go away.”
“You’re unbelievable. Were you waiting to get with him the whole time?”
He bares his teeth at her, and that’s enough to clear my head for a second.
“She told you to go,” I growl.
His narrowed eyes hone in on me. “Who the fuck asked you?”
“Liam, enough!”
“You said there wasn’t anyone else when we broke up, and I find you here with him.”
My hands shake, I’m so fucking angry. At him, at her, at myself. “Walk away.”
Mila squeezes my hand. “Reid, come on, let’s just go.”
I pull away from her. “Yeah, let’s go.”
Her face falls, and she shakes her head.
“Reid, I can tell what you’re thinking but you’ve got it wrong,” she says, jogging to keep up with me the moment we leave that twat behind.
“You’re back in touch with him.”
She shakes her head. “No. Not really.”
Be calm.
“Just… let’s go home and talk about it there.”
“Mila!” Liam shouts when we reach my car.
She turns around. “Take a hint, Liam! You can’t seriously come at me for seeing someone else when you were dating, too!”
“You’re trying to get back at me, Mila! Nice.”
“I’m not trying to do anything to you.”
“You really think she wants you, mate? She might think the grass is greener, but she always comes back to me. Always.”
My eye twitches. “You’re angry because she’s finally moved on, I get that, but you need to back off.”
“You don’t tell me what to do. Do you know how many times we’ve got back together?”
“Shut up, Liam!” Mila snaps.
He continues as if there is something to salvage here. “Shit is getting real, isn’t it? You’re realising that you need to grow up and it’s scaring you. The answer isn’t him and you know it.”
I look at her, my heart on ice as I wait for some indication that what he’s saying isn’t true.
Is this thing between us a rebound to her?
We make sense but that doesn’t mean we belong together.
If I was out of the picture, would she get back with him? Would she anyway?
“You’ve actually lost your tiny mind, Liam. Can you hear yourself?”
He glares like he wants to destroy me. “What the fuck have you done to her?”
I ball my fists. “Liam–”
“No, you fucking prick! You don’t get this. This is what we do. You’re walking around like the cat who got the cream, but you have no idea. You’re a blip in the road. She’ll realise, yet again, what she’s done, and soon you’ll be gone.”
I clench my hands so tight I feel the pinch of nail cutting into flesh. He can’t be right.
He’s known her longer than you.
“I’m leaving right now,” I tell her and turn away.
Anger bubbles higher and faster under the surface of my skin.
She’s instantly jogging to catch up. “Reid, slow down. I’m not interested in getting back together with him.”
Her words fall away when we both get into my car. Anger, tension, fear, panic, it all swirls around inside pulling me from a place of rationality. I’m good with logic and thinking things through. I can analyse and form a careful conclusion without effort, but Mila strips all of that away, leaving me drowning in uncertainty.
I gasp a deep breath and start the engine. We leave Liam behind where he belongs.
“I didn’t contact him, I promise,” she says after a minute of silence.
My hands grip the steering wheel as we fly along the dark road. “You didn’t tell me.”
“Reid, please, it was hard to know what to do for the best. He messaged me, but I didn’t reply. Then he showed up at uni, but I told him I wasn’t interested. You have to believe me.”
“Mila, please.”
I can barely breathe. The loss of her is so close I can taste it. My stomach clamps.
Rage surges through my body. I want to turn the car around and go back to him. Mostly, I want to get away from her. I need a minute, and having her right beside me isn’t going to clear my head. Having her and losing her: it’s my greatest fear, sewn into me after watching the man I admired crumble.
Losing the love of your life leaves you a hollow shell. The sun never rises, and you never fully wake up.
Grandad’s words spin around in my head, taunting me over and over. He wasn’t just a lovesick old fool like some of my family said. He spoke the truth, it just wasn’t what anyone wanted to hear.
Sometimes you don’t get over a lost love. Not everyone gets to see the sun rise again, and I can already feel the darkness creeping in.