I’m on my way to the office thirty minutes earlier than necessary. The whole place is decorated in fairy lights and pencil Christmas trees with baubles and bows.
Messages from Mila still sit unread on my phone. They’ve been there for two days.
Hearing that she had contact with Liam and didn’t tell me threw my world off its axis. I could see it as plain as day: them getting back together, Liam picking her up for dates, her smiling and waving whenever he drops her off again.
I’m not proud of my reaction, but I’m fucking terrified of going back to being the neighbour who gets the odd hello.
I’m so messed up. I didn’t realise how much so until I started seeing her. I can’t walk away even if I want to, so I stay and pretend that I don’t have secrets. I try to be the guy in control because that way nothing can whip the floor out from beneath me.
But Mila has done that. I’m freefalling, and there is nothing I can do to protect myself anymore. I don’t know how to handle it.
I’m sitting here with my mind all over the place, not knowing what I’m more afraid of, only wishing it was easier to talk. I just need to start. I’ve never been good at that.
Mila tried to explain, but she doesn’t really need to tell me anything. I know it all. She would have tried to tell him she’s moved on without hurting him. As soon as I’d exorcised the image of them back together from my mind, I could see clearly.
She wants me, and I walked away.
What a prick.
Now I need to get on my knees and put things right.
This morning, I have to sit through a staff meeting, followed by eight hours of editing. Thankfully, no one at work knows that Mila and I were going on a date. Mel would want to know all of the details, and the only person I want to talk to about it is probably cursing my name.
I turn up at the office and head straight to my desk, avoiding people like the plague. There’s no small talk or asking anyone how their fucking evening was.
Mel walks into the meeting room an hour later. I place my hands on the desk and take a deep breath. It’s time to be around people.
I follow my colleagues and startle the moment I get to the door.
Sitting next to Mel is Mila.
Her lip is trapped between her teeth, and her hands twist around each other. Her head lifts, and her eyes find mine. I can’t breathe for a second. Her skin is pale as if she’s not sleeping well.
“Morning, Reid,” Andrew says, slapping my back.
He moves past me, not waiting for a reply. Good thing since words are failing me.
Mila looks away, and I see her hold her breath.
I take a seat, despite wanting to grab her hand and drag her from this very room. I wish I knew how to explain everything.
“We dealt with everything on Friday, so there’s only one action on my list,” Mel says, opening a new notebook. “We have a venue but nothing else is sorted… I’m talking about the office Christmas party!”
Is this a joke?
“That’s why you called me in?” Mila asks.
Her voice is quiet and rough, as though she’s been crying. I have never felt like a bigger scumbag knowing that I’m responsible for it.
“You’re an employee, too, and you don’t have class this morning.”
Mila’s smile is more of a grimace, and it looks like she’s plotting Mel’s death. She doesn’t want to be here, either.
I try to catch her eye again, but she doesn’t look my way. Mila and I sit in silence through forty-five minutes of seventeen people chatting about the office party next week, what alcohol they want, what games, and if it should be fancy dress – absolutely not. I could not have less of a Christmas spirit than I do now. There is only two weeks to go.
Mila keeps her eyes down, agreeing with whatever decisions are being made. I’m not sure she’s even listening, and when the rest of them okay the karaoke, I know she isn’t.
If they sing ABBA, she’s going to lose her shit.
That’s if she even comes at all.
She might hate me now and want to keep a wide berth. I’m not letting that happen. I’m fine to do a whole lot of grovelling.
I wonder what she’s thinking as she pretends I don’t exist. If we don’t talk after the meeting, it will be obvious that something is up. Will she care about that? It’s unlikely.
Mel wraps the meeting up and everyone files out. They chat excitedly about mistletoe and Christmas songs. I don’t move because Mel is talking to Mila.
“You’re in next week, right?” Mel asks her.
“Yeah, about four in the afternoon, after my last class. I can work as late as you stay.”
Mel puts her hand on Mila’s shoulder. “You’re an angel. Right, I’ve got to run. I’ll see you soon.”
She dashes out of the office with a smirk that makes me think Mel is more perceptive than I previously thought. She’s noticed the weird vibe and must know that something is wrong between us.
I grab my notebook, which, for the first time ever, has nothing in it. Christmas party, what was she thinking?
“Mila,” I say as soon as she stands up, pretending the room is already empty.
For her to not be the first to speak means she’s really pissed.
“Oh, you want to talk now?”
“I’ve wanted to talk for the last two days.”
“Well, I wanted to talk that night. Life’s a bitch, Reid.”
I step in front of the door as she powerwalks towards it. “Wait. Please.”
“I have nothing to say to you.”
“I have a lot to say to you. There’s so much that you don’t know, and I’ve had no clue how to tell you.”
“Cute. I don’t want to hear it.” She steps past me but stops. “You know what, I thought you were different. You always seemed so fucking normal. No head games, no bullshit. You’re exactly the same as the rest of them.”
“I’m not. Hey, let me explain. Please.”
She shakes her head. “You’re a closed book. I can never read you. When I think I know what’s going on, you do or say something to show me that I know nothing.”
“You didn’t give everything all at once, either.”
“How about anything? Why will you only talk about your parents and sister? Why can’t I meet the rest of your family? Why are you so shady about when you started reading?”
I shake my head and pinch the bridge of my nose. “I’m trying to explain it.”
“When have you ever tried to do that?”
“Just trust me.”
“Why would I trust you? You completely overreacted to the Liam thing.”
“Would you have told me that you’re back in touch with him?”
She takes a big breath and averts her eyes. It’s never a good sign when she can’t look at me.
“Mila?”
“Yes! Obviously, I was going to tell you. I just didn’t get time before he blindsided me. And I’m not back in contact with him.”
Folding her arms, she shakes her head as if she’s done. That’s not true, though. We both know this isn’t the end. This is still the beginning of us, and we’re bound to mess up along the way. I don’t care how many times we need to start over.
“Mila.”
This will be the first and last time that I allow Liam to come between us.
“What, Reid? You’re so fucking infuriating. He text me weeks ago, when I first started working here, and I ignored it. He turned up at uni, and I told him I wasn’t interested. You were there when we saw him at the bar, and obviously the other night. Those are the only times I’ve heard from him.”
“He text you and turned up at uni? Why couldn’t you tell me that?”
She shrugs. “I was going to. I was scared that you would freak out. Looks like I was right, too. I didn’t want to ruin what we’d started.”
I sigh. “I was the one to do that.”
“Yeah, you were. I need to go.”
“Wait. Mila, just give me another minute, please.”
“You’ve had long enough, and the only person who has any answers, as usual, is you.”
I let her push past me because she’s right. I ask and she talks. She asks and I close up.
I want her to know it all but the only words I’ve ever been any good at are the ones written on a page.