Snip
I had kind of forgotten about my vasectomy due to the complete fucking nightmare I’ve been living for the past week where my marriage is concerned. So when the urologist’s office calls to confirm my appointment, I initially think it’s pointless to go through with it, and I tell them I have to cancel. But after a few minutes of staring at Holly’s ass as she sits in the chair outside my office, and wondering what it would feel like to fuck her without a rubber, I call them back to cancel my initial cancellation.
I opt for the non-scalpel vasectomy. My doctor and the urologist he recommended both seem to think it’s the best option, the quickest healing and the least painful.
I’m sitting in the urologist’s office after filling out my paperwork when a nurse comes out and says, “Okay, we’re all ready for you.” I stand up and take my last steps as a fully functioning reproductive male.
In the doctor’s office, the nurse tells me to take off my clothes and put on a surgical gown. Then she tells me to sit on the table and gets out a little sponge, a razor, and some kind of disinfecting solution. She then proceeds to clean and shave the front of my ball bag. No other part, just the front of my ball bag. I imagine her sucking my dick while she’s down there. I wonder if she has some sexual fetish that can only be satisfied by swallowing guys’ last loads that contain sperm. After she finishes shaving the front of my ball bag she says, “Okay, looks good. The doctor will be in in a minute,” then she leaves. She does not suck my dick.
I lift my surgical gown and look at her handiwork. I’ve never actually seen my balls without hair on them. I’ve shaved my ball hairs down before, but always just a trim, never down to the skin this way. It looks weird. My ball bag is shriveled and loose. It looks like chewed bubble gum. I try to remember the last time I really inspected my balls or dick. I can’t.
The door opens and the nurse comes back in with the urologist. They catch me looking at my balls. The urologist says, “Saying your good-byes? Just kidding. I’m Dr. Klein. It’s nice to meet you. I think we can have you out of here in about half an hour.”
I say, “Sounds good.”
He says, “Just lie back on the table,” and I do. Then he goes over to the counter and puts on some rubber gloves. I’ve never had a dude handle my dick or balls for more than just a routine hernia check. This seems like it will require more intimacy. I wonder if he’s ever had a guy get a hard-on while he was cutting on their ball bag. I assume this will not happen to me.
He comes over to the table I’m lying on and says, “Everyone approaches this differently, and I want to make this as comfortable as possible for you. So would you like warnings as I’m about to do things, or would you like me to just do it as quickly as possible?”
I say, “I’d actually like you do it as accurately as possible, if that’s an option.”
He laughs and says, “Yes, of course.”
I say, “And I guess I’d like warnings.”
He says, “Okay, here’s your first one. You’re going to feel a little pinch,” then he jabs a needle into my fucking ball bag. It’s surprisingly not that painful. I’ve had tetanus shots that were worse. After a few seconds he starts fucking around with my nuts, but they’re numb. Whatever he’s doing gives me only a general idea that he’s doing anything at all. He says, “Can you feel that?”
I say, “I don’t think so.”
He says, “Okay, I think we’re ready.” I start to get a little nauseated.
The nurse hands him a little instrument that looks almost like a screwdriver. He goes back to work in my crotch. He says, “You might feel a little pressure now.” I can feel a vague pulling on my ball bag and then a pop, like a hole being punched in rubber. He says, “Okay, step one all done. You okay?”
I say, “Yeah.”
He hands the screwdriver thing back to the nurse and she hands him another screwdriver-looking thing with what I think is a curved hook at the end. This thing looks medieval. This is a thing you do not want near your fucking balls. He goes back into my crotch with it and says, “Okay, now you might feel a little pulling sensation,” and that’s exactly what I feel. It feels like he’s pulling one of my nuts out through the hole he poked in my ball bag. I know this isn’t the case, but that’s what it fucking feels like. I start to get a little more queasy just thinking about it. Then he hands the hook thing back to the nurse and she gives him this little wand-looking thing.
He says, “Almost done with the first one,” then moves the wand thing close to my ball bag and for a brief second I smell burning flesh. I think he just cauterized the tube that goes from my balls to my dick. I’m getting a little more nauseated. He says, “Okay, one down,” then hands the wand thing back to the nurse and gets the hook thing from her again. By the time he finishes the same thing on the other nut, and puts a little Band-Aid on the hole he made in my nut sack, I’m almost positive I’m going to puke. But then it’s over and I power through my last few minutes on the table with the front of my ball bag shaved and both my nuts separated from my dick.
Dr. Klein says, “Easy enough, right?”
I say, “I guess so.”
He says, “Okay. I’m going to prescribe you something for the pain, if you should have any, and you should stay off your feet for the next few days if you can.”
I say, “Oh, I thought I could go back to work.”
He says, “Look, honestly, you’re pretty young. You’ll be fine. Just try to keep your feet elevated, so we don’t get any hematomas or anything. Believe me, you don’t want to see that. And call me if you notice any pain that might be abnormal.” I wonder what kind of pain would be considered normal where having your balls separated from your dick is concerned.
He says, “And you should lay off any sexual activity for the next week or so and continue to use condoms for the next month or so until we can get you back in here to collect a semen sample and make sure you’re firing blanks.”
I say, “All right.”
He says, “Do you have someone giving you a ride home?”
I say, “No, should I?”
He says, “Did we not recommend that you have a ride?”
I say, “You did, but I don’t really have one. Is that terrible?”
He says, “Again, you’ll probably be fine. Just ice it if there’s any swelling and wear tight briefs for the next week or so.”
I say, “Okay.”
He writes something in my file and hands it to the nurse, then says, “Well, that’s all I’ve got. Do you have any other questions?”
I say, “No. I don’t think so.”
He says, “Okay. It was nice meeting you. And, again, call me if there are any complications, but I think it went perfectly.” Then he leaves.
The nurse says, “Okay, get dressed and meet me out front when you’re ready. Take your time.”
I get up off the table and look at the Band-Aid on my shaved ball bag. It’s strange. I know it’s not true, but I picture my balls free-floating in my scrotum, attached to nothing in my body, having no actual purpose anymore. I put on my clothes, walk out front, schedule a time to come in and jerk off to have my semen analyzed, then drop off my pain-med prescription on my way back to work.
In my office I put my feet up on my desk and look at Holly. I imagine fucking her without a rubber. And then I realize that, without the ability to even jerk off, the next week is going to be a living hell.