My Plus-One
Carlos and I are eating lunch. After divulging all of the recent events of my life to him, he says, “So you literally and figuratively got your balls cut off.”
I say, “My balls were not cut off.”
He says, “I was making a joke, you stupid fuck.”
I say, “So, anyway, it’s obviously just going to be me coming to your wedding solo.”
He says, “Oh no, motherfucker. We already paid for the caterer and we put you down for two plates.”
I say, “I’ll pay you back.”
He says, “It’s not even about that.”
I say, “Then why did you say it was?”
He says, “Don’t be a dick. Look, you know I love Alyna, and I sincerely hope you two work everything out, and I have the utmost faith that you will. That said, just bring your new fucktoy.”
I say, “I don’t know about that, man.”
He says, “Why not?”
I say, “It’s still kind of new. It might be overstepping some bounds or something. I don’t want her to think I’m trying to replace my wife with her, you know?”
He says, “You’re so fucking stupid. If you went on Craigslist right now and fucking posted something that was like, ‘Recently separated straight asshole seeks a lady to take to a wedding in Boston and please be ready to fuck and suck dick, also it’s a gay wedding,’ you’d be drowning in a fucking tidal wave of pussy.”
I say, “What the hell are you talking about?”
He says, “Straight women love weddings, and the cool ones—which, from everything you’ve told me about this little minx, she seems like she’s cool—fucking love gay weddings. When you invite her, don’t say, ‘Hey, come to this wedding with me and I’ll make you my next wife.’ Just say something like, ‘Hey, I have to go to one of my best friend’s weddings and I’d love for you to be my date. And, just to let you know, it’s a gay wedding.’ You just showed me her picture. She’s hot. Hot chicks love gay guys. That little bitch’s panties will be wet in a second.”
I say, “I don’t doubt that chicks like weddings, asshole. I’m just saying I don’t want her to think that I’m making a big deal out of it, you know, making it like we’re in a relationship or anything.”
He says, “And is that because you don’t want a relationship with her, or is that because you don’t want to scare her away by getting too serious too quick?”
I say, “I don’t know. I don’t really know much about anything right now. I just know that I’m not sleeping in my own bed anymore and I’m not fucking my wife anymore—”
He says, “But you weren’t fucking her when you were sleeping in your own bed.”
I say, “You know what I mean. And I’m not seeing my kids anymore. Yeah, I like Holly. I like fucking her a lot. But . . .”
He says, “But nothing. I want to meet this little homewrecker now, so you’re bringing her. She’s your plus-one. It’s settled.”
I say, “I’ll think about it.”
He says, “Well, thinking with your dick got you this far. Just keep doing it and you’ll be fine.”
When I get back to the office I stare at a picture of Holly’s ass on my phone for a while. Then I stare at it in real life while she dicks around on Facebook just outside my office. I get some work done and think about whether or not I should take her to the wedding. At the end of the day, when she’s walking out, I bring her into my office.
I say, “Hey, I know this might seem weird, but it’s not. I just need a date to something and I’d love for you to be that date.”
She says, “What is it?”
I say, “A wedding.”
She lights up immediately and says, “Ooh. I’ll get to wear a dress.”
I say, “Yeah, and you’ll get to have a little vacation, too,” and I wait for her to start getting a little uncomfortable with the idea but she doesn’t. She actually claps a tiny clap and makes a squealing noise.
She says, “Oh my god, a destination wedding?”
I say, “It’s not like that exactly. It’s in Boston and it’s my gay friend Carlos and his boyfriend.”
She hugs me. It’s the first time in a week that she’s shown me any physical affection that was unsolicited and not overtly sexual. She says, “This is going to be so fun. I can’t wait. I love gay guys.”
In my hotel room that night, after we fuck, she curls up next to me and waits until I fall asleep to roll over to the other side of the bed, instead of doing it immediately after I blow my load, the way she usually does.