What Never Was
I’m in bed in my hotel room watching the old Seinfeld episode where they lose their car in a mall parking garage and Jerry has to take a piss. Jerry gets caught by the security guard and then it breaks for a commercial. The first shot in the commercial is of Casey, my old girlfriend before Alyna. She’s in a kitchen with two kids who are complaining that they never have anything cool in their lunch. She saves the day by tossing some fruit-roll-up things in their lunch sacks and then she smiles at the camera.
I haven’t talked to Casey in a long time—years. She always wanted to get married. I wonder if she ever did, or if the closest she’ll come to being a wife and a mother is that commercial.
I try to imagine what my life would have been like if I’d stayed with her instead of dumping her and winding up with Alyna. I see us living in a house much like the one Alyna and I bought. I see us having two kids much like Andy and Jane, maybe with fatter asses. I see us never fucking and I see me cheating on her with Holly. I realize it probably wouldn’t have mattered at all which girl I ended up with, but I know that’s wrong. There were times—there was a long time, in fact—when Alyna was nothing like Casey, when she was the opposite of Casey. For most of our relationship, in fact, Alyna was the best person I knew. The hottest, the dirtiest in bed, the smartest, the most fun to be around. Eventually that all changed, but for a time she was incredible. Casey had moments of incredible in the beginning, but she never lived in it like Alyna once did.
I think about e-mailing Casey just to see if she’s with a guy, if she’s married, if she’s happy. Instead I jerk off to a memory of Casey going down on me in one of her friend’s bathrooms when we first started dating, and I blow a spermless load all over my hand.