An Average Sunday
9:20 A.M. Wake up with a hard-on.
9:21 A.M. Sneak into the bathroom while Alyna is downstairs with the kids and start jerking off over the toilet while imagining the receptionist from my office on her knees sucking my dick.
9:24 A.M. Hear someone coming up the stairs. Quickly sit down, bending my hard-on down under the seat and into the toilet. Pretend to be shitting when my son, Andy, wanders into the bathroom and shows me a picture he drew of our house.
9:25 A.M. Lose hard-on.
10:25 A.M. Hold Jane while Alyna clears the breakfast dishes and Andy runs around the living room screaming, “Moriarty is king! Moriarty is king!” Almost start to wonder what in the fuck he’s talking about but I know that’s a futile exercise so I just ignore him.
11:16 A.M. Try to watch some of the morning football game when Alyna steps in front of the TV holding Jane up to my face and says, “Does it look like she has pinkeye or something?” I say, “No, she looks fine.”
11:22 A.M. Stifle anger as Alyna mutes the game so she can call the kids’ pediatrician. From the pieces of the conversation I can overhear I figure out that Dr. Powell is making a special appointment for us on a Sunday, which means instead of watching the game I’ll get to pay him a few hundred dollars to tell me that my kid does not have pinkeye.
12:36 P.M. Watch Dr. Powell write a prescription for antibiotic eyedrops that are used to treat pinkeye.
12:50 P.M. Hold Jane down as she screams and kicks while Alyna forces her eyelids open and administers the drops. Answer “No” to my son’s question “Are you guys torturing her?”
1:04 P.M. Strap the kids into their car seats. Hope the third child’s birthday party that I’ll be attending this month will have booze for the adults so I don’t kill myself.
1:06 P.M. Buckle my own seat belt and wish my son hadn’t stopped me from jerking off.
2:18 P.M. Pound my fourth Winnie the Pooh paper cup full of chardonnay. Ignore the disapproving looks from the other parents at this shitty kid’s birthday party. See a hot younger mom bending over to tie her tub-of-shit kid’s shoe. Think about fucking her in the ass. Wonder if she fucks her husband more than Alyna fucks me.
2:33 P.M. Take a shit at the kid’s birthday party. Hope Jane gives at least one of these kids pinkeye. Conjure an elaborate scenario in which Jane does give the hot younger mom’s kid pinkeye, forcing us to meet randomly while filling eyedrop prescriptions at Walgreen’s, which leads to her sucking my dick in the backseat of her car, which I imagine to be the Volvo station wagon I saw parked out front. Wonder if I can jerk off in a minute or under. Wipe my ass. Get out my phone. Cue up the first clip I come to on NudeVista.com, which is a girl getting fucked in the ass. Start jerking off. Imagine the younger hot mom letting me titty-fuck her. Just as I’m about to blow a load, hear Alyna knock on the door and ask if I’m “okay in there.” Get nervous that I’ve been in the bathroom for too long and lose my hard-on. Turn off my phone. Assure her that I’m fine. Wash my hands and leave the bathroom.
2:46 P.M. Watch the five-year-old birthday boy unwrap a Wii console and complain that it’s not an Xbox. Agree with the birthday boy.
2:52 P.M. Look at a giant framed picture of the birthday boy and his family hanging in the kitchen. Wonder how in the fuck Alyna knows this kid’s mom. Wonder why in the fuck we had to come to this party. Wonder if this kid’s mom takes it in the ass.
3:02 P.M. Get caught in a conversation with some kid’s dad about the kind of pool he’s having dug in his backyard. Wish I was dead.
3:03 P.M. Refill my Winnie the Pooh cup with chardonnay.
3:05 P.M. Almost knee some dipshit little girl in the face as I take a step and she runs past me as fast as she can, eyes closed, screaming about some other dipshit little girl taking her bracelet. Hope Jane never goes through the dipshit-little-girl phase.
3:06 P.M. Assume she will.
3:31 P.M. Find Alyna in the backyard with some other moms and younger kids. Act like I give a fuck about what any of them are talking about. Ask Alyna when this thing is going to end. Get a shoulder shrug. Head back inside to see if any of the guys at this train wreck have turned on a football game.
3:32 P.M. Realize my only viewing options are Toy Story 3 or Dora the Explorer. Wonder if I could attempt jerking off again. Find out the bathroom is occupied. Wonder if it’s another dad whose wife doesn’t fuck him anymore jerking off while thinking about the young hot mom.
3:38 P.M. Wander back out to the backyard. Find Andy playing with a little girl in the grass by a swing set. Wonder when he’ll bang a chick for the first time. Hope the chick is hot. Hope it’s in high school or, at the very latest, his freshman year of college.
3:47 P.M. See some kid standing in the corner of the backyard by himself. Notice that faraway look in his eyes. Notice him make tiny fists. Recognize the look and actions of a kid shitting his pants. Experience relief that he’s not my kid.
3:48 P.M. Watch that kid’s mom go over to him, raise him up, sniff his ass, and then nod back at her husband, who’s standing up near the house. Watch the husband take a long swig from his Winnie the Pooh cup.
3:50 P.M. Take in the decorations in the backyard. Toy Story balloons, a Toy Story–themed bounce house, a Toy Story–themed ball crawl, a life-size Buzz Lightyear statue.
3:53 P.M. Try to remember having a birthday party like this when I was kid. Can’t. Don’t think this type of shit existed when I was a kid. Remember having a birthday party as a tiny kid where two friends showed up and we ate a pizza and watched Krull on Betamax. That was it.
3:57 P.M. Think about how weird it is that my kids won’t even know what Betamax is. Think about how weird it is that my daughter might not even know what a CD or a DVD is. Wish I was a kid again.
3:59 P.M. Realize the party is wrapping up. Respond to Alyna waving me over to say good-bye to the hosts. Say good-bye.
4:00 P.M. Round up Andy.
4:01 P.M. Strap the kids into the car. Assure Alyna that I’m not too drunk to drive. Drunk-drive home.
4:17 P.M. Unstrap the kids. Jane is asleep. Take her inside with me. Lay her on my chest, still asleep, and sit down in the recliner to watch football. Watch a few minutes before I pass out, too.
8:34 P.M. Wake up slightly hungover and soaking wet. Realize that Jane has pissed all over me while sleeping. Call Alyna in to help me. She laughs at me, then takes Jane to the bathroom. Toss my clothes in the washer and head to the bathroom for a shower. Start to jerk off in the shower. Lose boner when I hear Alyna come into the bathroom and ask me if I can take some things to the post office for her on my way to work the following morning.
9:06 P.M. Tuck the kids in with Alyna. Give Alyna a back rub on our bed in the hope that it’ll get her in the mood to fuck or suck my dick. Recognize the sound of Alyna snoring and realize she’s fallen asleep during the back rub. Pull the covers up over her and go into the living room.
10:01 P.M. Watch the news. Want to fuck the news bitch.
10:37 P.M. Put hand in pants and tug at my dick a little but am too tired to get a hard-on. Give up.
10:40 P.M. Think about going to the office to jerk off to Internet porn but I’m too tired to get out of the chair.
10:42 P.M. Think about going to the office to jerk off to Internet porn but I’m again unable to conjure the energy to get out of the chair.
11:30 P.M. Watch Leno/Letterman.
12:30 A.M. Fall asleep watching Fallon.
1:07 A.M. Wake up. Realize I should go to bed. Reason that, if I have to get out of the chair, I should go to the office and jerk off to Internet porn. Stand up. Head to the office.
1:16 A.M. Blow load into a paper towel that I brought from the kitchen specifically so there would be minimal cleanup while watching Little Lupe take a dick in the ass. Start playing Zuma on Facebook.
1:32 A.M. Accidentally wake Alyna up as I get into bed. Tell her I was watching TV when she asks what I was doing.
1:48 A.M. Hear “I love you,” say “I love you.”
1:52 A.M. Welcome dreamless sleep.