Chapter One

“DO YOU HAVE your socks?” my mother called up the stairs.

“Yes, mother!” I shouted back down at her. Of course I had socks. But I double-checked the large footlocker anyway, scrabbling through it until I found them. They were buried under my binders, but there they were.

“Don’t forget towels!” came another shout up the stairs.

She knew me well. I always forgot something. I went back to my bathroom and rummaged around in the linen closet until I found enough towels for the trip.

When I got back to my room, Mom was staring down into my trunk, her hands on her hips. “Anything else?” she asked, eyeing how much was in it.

“I hope not.”

I tossed the towels in the trunk, only to be crushed into a hug from her. “I’m going to miss you Casey,” she said into my hair.

I patted her awkwardly. She meant well, but ever since I announced my desire to transition two years ago when I turned twelve, she’d gotten super overprotective and clingy. “I’ll miss you too, Mom.” I did mean it, but it was going to be a relief to be away from her for almost two weeks. Even though I’d never been away from my parents that long before, not even at trans camp.

She squeezed me harder until I gasped and then let me go. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“For the millionth time, yes,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Okay. I’ll get your dad to get this down the stairs,” she said, and then she was gone in a whirl of brown hair and scarves.

I shook my head at her back and pulled out my phone to text my best friend, Ella. Almost ready. U?

I knew she wouldn’t answer right away (she actually hated her phone, the weirdo), so I nervously went through my list again to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. I needed a distraction.

While I was rummaging, my dad, a big guy who had prematurely gone bald so he always wore an ugly hat, had lumbered up the stairs and was frowning down at my trunk. “Are you sure you need all that?” His voice was very deep.

“Yeah, Dad.” My phone buzzed in my pocket, but I ignored it. “It’s almost two weeks.”

“Twelve days,” he said.

“Yeah, I know.” I scratched at my head, slightly embarrassed to talk about my transition stuff with my dad. “I, you know, need some extra stuff.” I thought of the binders lying next to my socks.

He glanced at me and nodded, and then looked quickly away. He hadn’t been as supportive of my transition as my mom. When I first told him, he blurted, “But you’re a girl.”

We stood there in awkward silence for a moment as I wondered what I should say to him, father to son. But he hadn’t yet called me his son.

He cleared his throat, still not looking at me, and then crouched and heaved up the trunk onto a roller cart he’d carried up the stairs. It was going to be a pain getting it down on the cart, but at least he wouldn’t kill his back picking it up this way.

I helped him maneuver it down the stairs, wishing not for the first time I could start hormones. I wanted to be as strong as my dad, but I wasn’t old enough yet. Well, I was, but my parents wouldn’t approve it until I was sixteen. I figured Dad was the one holding out, because Mom would give me whatever I wanted.

Two more years.

When we finally got the trunk down the stairs, I pulled my phone out. Ella had texted back.

Ella: Yeah, loading the car. Are you ready?

Me: Yes! Just gotta say bye.

Ella: We’ll be there soon.

“Ella and her parents are going to be here soon,” I told my parents.

Mom had argued long and hard about how I was getting to camp. She wanted to take me, but I wanted to go with Ella and her parents. My friend and her brother had been going to this camp for years, and her parents knew exactly how to get there. Mom pursed her lips and crossed her arms over her chest. “Okay. Are you sure you have it all?”

Annoyance flared up. “Yes!” I said.

“Don’t take that tone with your mother,” Dad warned.

I closed my mouth and let the anger subside. It wouldn’t do to get into an argument with them now. They’d probably not let me go, whether or not they had already paid for my spot. And summer camp wasn’t cheap; I’d seen prices on the website.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, and Mom pulled me into another hug.

“Be safe, okay?” she said. “I wish you wanted to go to the trans camp instead.”

“Mom, please!”

“Okay, okay, I know. You want to go to regular camp like any regular boy.”

“I went to trans camp last year,” I said.

“I know, and you loved it. That’s why I wish you’d go again.”

“Stop worrying so much, Mom,” I told her. “The kids won’t hurt me.”

She didn’t look convinced when she finally let me go. It was true; trans camp had been fantastic. But everyone there knew I was trans. I wanted to go someplace where I didn’t always feel trans. I knew it was impossible, but I wanted a shot at it. All the other kids at trans camp had loved it, because they’d said they could shed their trans identity there. Since everyone was trans, we got to talk about other things. It made it less special, which was, in reality, a relief.

And that was the problem for me. I just wanted to be like any other boy. And all the other boys went to summer camp like the one I was going to, not to trans camp. I wanted to be a boy with the other boys.

“Are you sure? Kids can be crummy to each other sometimes.”

“Yeah, I know, Mom. Switched schools because of it, remember?” I rolled my eyes.

My dad walked out of the room then, and Mom watched him leave with pain in her eyes. He went into their bedroom—the big master suite on the main floor of the house—and closed the door. I looked away, too, not wanting to see the expression on her face.

I pulled out my phone and went to sit on the couch to wait for Ella.

Me: Please come soon. My parents are being parents again.

I sent it as a snap, which I knew Ella didn’t really like. In it, I looked bored as I lounged on the sofa.

Ella: haha we’re on our way.

Me: Good bc this is killing me.

Ella: What was it this time?

I told her. We’d been friends for absolutely forever, as long as I could remember. She was the first person to know I was trans, even before I did. She’d never once misgendered me after I came out, and never used my birth name, though she’d known it all her life.

By the time we finished texting back and forth about it, she wrote one final one:

Ella: pulling up!

“They’re here!” I called out.

Mom had wandered off to restlessly putter, but she shouted from upstairs that she was coming. I didn’t know where my dad was, but right then, I didn’t care. I wouldn’t have to deal with his disappointment in me for almost two whole weeks.

The doorbell rang, and I ran to answer it. When I opened the door, Ella threw herself at me and squeezed me in a big hug. She was all legs and long blonde hair, classically beautiful. Normally, she wore a lot of makeup, but her face was scrubbed clean, though her yellow hair was in perfect waves. She grinned at me, showing her braces (which she hated). The rubber bands were pink.

“Ready?” she asked.

My dad came out of the bedroom then, and Mom also reappeared.

They helped load the footlocker into Ella’s parents’ van and then stood around talking with them for too long. Mom was interrogating her father about the route. Ella and I piled into the back, alone. They would also be picking up her brother from camp to bring him home, but until then, it was just the two of us.

Over the whole summer, the camps up in Ankley Springs held sessions for groups of kids of different ages. Her brother, Brian, was too young to be in the same one as Ella, which was a relief because he was an annoying scab. Only thirteen- and fourteen-year-olds would be in our session. Luckily for Ella’s parents, Brian’s session ended right as ours was beginning.

“So,” Ella said, “are you ready for romance?”

“Come on,” I said, blushing. “We’re not even there yet.”

“There’s going to be lots of cute guys,” she said, raising an eyebrow. “And it’s queer as hell.”

“Shh.” I glanced furtively at my parents. I’d been out to them as trans for years now, but they didn’t know I was bisexual. One thing at a time. I think my parents avoided the subject of dating for fear of finding out too much, or having to field weird questions from other parents. Dating boys as a girl was fine, but dating boys as a trans boy might send them over the edge. Mom tried so hard to think of me as a boy, and this might short-circuit her. I didn’t want to know what my dad would say or do.

“Sorry.” Ella mouthed it at me, ducking her head. “I forgot.”

“It’s okay. They’ll have to learn eventually.” I just wasn’t sure now was the best time. Maybe when I was eighteen.

My parents finally released Ella’s from interrogation, gave me one more hug, and then watched as we pulled out of the driveway. I waved at them as we took off down the road.

We’d be heading way out into rural Virginia, almost to the border of West Virginia, up in the mountains. It was a long drive, but Ella’s parents were prepared.

We watched cartoons on their DVD player and ate salty snacks all the way there, so it wasn’t too bad of a trip.

After a couple of hours, Ella’s mother, Mrs. Brenson, finally chirped out, “We’re here!”

I looked up as we passed a rustic wooden sign that proclaimed Ankley Springs, and pulled onto a dirt track from the paved road. Trees loomed around us, spreading their leafy branches until it seemed we were driving through a green tunnel. I loved the trees, and I smiled as we passed from sparse forest into true woodlands. We also started climbing, the van jouncing and rocking over the rutted road. Ella, who sometimes got a little carsick, turned a little paler and went quiet.

Nervousness and excitement warred in my chest. Going to camp as a trans boy was going to be fraught with problems. I was going to be staying with boys, changing with boys, constantly around boys. They would notice my binder. But I had plans in place, and the adults, the counselors, all knew. Even if the kids found out I was trans, it shouldn’t be a problem.

I hoped.

Ahead of us, the forest opened up into a tiny little town. All of the buildings were white with green roofs and trim. It was relatively flat and open right here, but we were clearly still in the mountains. The tree-covered hillsides loomed around us, dotted with houses propped up on stilts. The road was still dirt, but it was in better shape here. We passed a small pool off to one side, and I looked at it longingly.

We finally pulled up into a huge field full of cars and people and, after being flagged to a parking spot, we all got out. The field was easily larger than the size of a regular football field, with an enormous pavilion at one end. Trees surrounded the entire thing. All the other people were heading toward the pavilion, crowding around a few tables set up on the concrete where adults in bright blue shirts were checking names off of lists.

Ella and I ran to the pavilion ahead of her parents. Our trunks would be driven up to the campsite later, so we wouldn’t have to worry about them yet.

Brian, tall for his age and gangly with white-blond hair, was there, milling about waiting for us. Ella went straight to him and nearly pushed him over. “Hey!” he shouted, and they got into a half-hearted wrestling match.

I wandered around the pavilion instead of watching them fight. There were two basketball hoops, but they had been cranked up out of the way. I noticed Christmas lights had also been strung up in the rafters, and my heart skipped a beat. There was a dance on the last night of the session, and it would take place here. I couldn’t help but think how romantic it might be to dance under the twinkling lights…

I shoved that thought away. I wasn’t sure yet how queer I could be here, despite what Ella had said. People might get weirded out over me being trans as well as me being bisexual. Romance was not what I wanted out of this trip, but the thought was still a pleasant one…

Mostly.

I wandered back to Ella and Brian who, by the sullen look on both their faces, had been yelled at by their parents for fighting. We got in line and waited briefly. Though we were there for only a few minutes, it felt like an eternity. I was impatient to go and have fun.

I got signed in first, and the perky girl who checked off my name—Casey Stearns—gave me a name badge, a T-shirt, a water bottle with the logo of the camp on it, and my cabin assignment. I was in cabin four. “You might also want to turn off your phone,” she told me as I edged aside so Ella could check in.

That was the only bad thing about going camping. I pulled out my phone, and sure enough, even though I could get service just about anywhere else, I had nothing out here. I told myself it was for the best and switched the phone off. Leaving it on would run the battery down while it searched for service. I’d come to camp to relax and have fun, and having my phone meant my parents could reach me. Knowing my mom, if she could, she’d call me every hour desperate to know if anyone had been mean to me since we’d last talked.

Ella was in cabin eight, and she explained to me that all the boys’ cabins were the furthest away, in cabins two through six. The girls’ cabins were seven through eleven.

“What about cabin one?” I asked.

“That one isn’t used in this session,” she said. “There’s also cabin twelve, but some of the extra counselors stay there.”

“What’s cabin one used for?”

She shrugged. “I think for other camping programs. I’ve never seen anyone in there before.”

As we waited for Brian to get checked out, Ella explained, “This camp is actually used by a number of programs. This one gets it during the early summer, and another one gets it during late summer. There’s even a fall one, but that’s for homeschooled students and nontraditional students who have the time to come up for a couple of weeks during the school year. I think there’s even a religious camp, because there are shrines all over the place.”

“Interesting,” I said, not all that interested as I scanned the other campers, looking for anyone who might also be in cabin four. I wanted to know who I was going to be living with for the next two weeks, and if they were going to be exciting or not.

Brian finally got checked out, and we went back to the van. We climbed in once more and drove up the mountain to the actual campsite. The road was rocky and bumpy and very steep, but we made it up with no problem.

The cabins, sitting on their stilts, were strung out along one side of the road and pushed up against the rising ground. We were almost at the top of the mountain, but not quite, and the road continued past the cabins on upward. The cabins were painted a dark brown, nearly lost among the dirt and tree trunks, except for large yellow plaques with the numbers painted on them. Two larger buildings on the opposite side of the road were also painted the same dark brown. Signs above the doors proclaimed them to be the Washington Lodge and the Lincoln Lodge.

Ella’s parents helped me unload my trunk from their van and get it up the short flight of stairs to the cabin.

I didn’t go in, but instead, nervously hugged Ella. “See you soon, okay?” It would be great if we got to hang out at some point. I suddenly didn’t want to be alone without my best friend or my parents to protect me. For one sick moment, I thought of riding back down the mountain with Brian and Ella’s parents and going home. But it passed as she squeezed me back.

“You’ll be fine,” she said. “Just be yourself.”

We shared a smile, and she got back into the van to be driven to her own cabin. We locked eyes through the window, and she held my gaze until she was too far away, her bright hair the last thing I could see.

The door of the cabin opened up again, and a tall man with a riot of dark hair leaned out. He had light brown skin and dark eyes, and a goatee. “Hey there!” he called. “You must be Casey!”

“Yeah,” I said.

He strode down the stairs and stuck his hand out. I shook it, and it was warm and dry. “I’m the counselor for the coolest cabin—cabin four! My name’s Wade.”

“Hi, Wade.”

He waved me into the cabin. There were already a couple boys inside, and they looked up to stare at me as I came in. I tried to look confident and cool. I was a boy, just like them. But I self-consciously ran a hand through my short hair, reassuring myself that it was, indeed, quite short.

At school, I didn’t have to worry so much about how I carried myself or whether I “passed” as a boy or not. Everyone there knew I was trans. But here, no one knew. I was trying to be stealthy about it, in hopes I could live my life like any other boy. It meant I was going to have to examine everything I did and said to make sure it didn’t seem girly or weird. It was exhausting, but I needed to see if I could do it.

“Hi, guys,” I said, and my voice didn’t shake. Go me.

The cabin was tiny, with five bunk beds crammed in head-to-end around the room. Four of those beds were already occupied. There was also a tiny set of shelves containing a clock and a miniature stereo—one with a music file player plugged into it, but it could also take antiquated CDs—and a vase with a bunch of wild flowers soaking in water.

Wade said, “Pick a bunk wherever you like.”

I debated whether I wanted an upper bunk or a lower bunk. I was scared of falling out of an upper bunk, but I didn’t like the idea of someone being above me. All the other boys had picked upper bunks so far. Wade’s bed—the only one that was clearly claimed but didn’t have someone sitting on it—was a lower one, but he had strung up a curtain so it was mostly obscured. That would have been ideal for me, but I hadn’t thought of it. Upper bunk it was.

My trunk was in the middle of the floor, so I shoved it under the bed I’d chosen and then hopped up onto the top bunk.

“Great!” Wade said, grinning around at everyone. “We’ll do introductions once everyone gets here, okay? For now, just settle in!”

The other boys looked at each other and at me, and it was all uncomfortable silence. No one had phones to stare at to occupy the time. I hopped back off the bunk, slid out my trunk, and got out my sheets. I’d rather do something useful than sit around worrying about how I looked.

I puttered, making my bed and rearranging the stuff in my trunk, just to have something to do. When I couldn’t do anymore without looking strange, I pulled out a book from my trunk, replaced it under the bed, and then hopped back up.

None of the other boys had made their beds yet and were just staring around at each other suspiciously. A few other boys came in, and Wade had them pick a bunk.

A cute redheaded boy picked the one underneath me, and I tried unsuccessfully not to blush at him. He was short, but that wasn’t a problem for me since I was pretty short, too. At least he was still taller than me. I was also a sucker for freckles, and he had a lot of them.

Over the next hour, I tried to distract myself by reading as the rest of the cabin filled up. As it got louder outside the boys in the room seemed to relax. They began to talk and laugh with one another.

Once every bunk was filled, Wade interrupted my reading.

“Hey guys, welcome to cabin four!” His enthusiasm was catching, and I couldn’t help but smile at him. His grin was wide, his eyes twinkling. “Are you ready to be the most awesome cabin this summer?”

There were some half-hearted agreements. His face fell, and he tilted his head. “Come on, guys, let’s get excited about camp! This is going to be a great summer! I’m used to cabin four being the best cabin all summer, and you’re not going to break my streak are you?”

There was some laughter, and he relaxed into a smile again. “Okay, let’s try again. Are you ready to be the most awesome cabin this summer?”

We all cheered this time. It was silly, but I couldn’t help but join in. I wanted this to be an awesome cabin, too.

“Better! Now, here’s the rules. Every morning, we clean the cabin. Everyone pitches in, okay? I’ll have a signup sheet for chores, and we rotate them. One person a day will get out of chores.”

That sounded pretty sweet.

“Cabin inspections are during breakfast, so we’ll find out at lunch who won the Clean Cabin Award, okay?”

“What do we get as an award?” one boy asked.

“Glad you asked!” Wade said. “We get in line for dinner first, and we get to be first in line for Canteen. You’ll want that. There’s no soda here, except at Canteen. You get first choice, and we always run out of something.”

“Sounds lame,” another boy said.

“Hey, hey, none of that here,” Wade admonished, pointing a long finger at the boy. “That’s not a cabin four attitude, okay? We have to pitch in and work together if we want to have fun.” He cleared his throat and went on. “No one goes down the mountain without a counselor. We’ll line up for meals as a cabin and go down as a whole unit. We have a buddy system with the girls’ cabins, and we’re buddies with cabin nine.”

My stomach sank. Ella was in cabin eight, so we wouldn’t be buddies.

Wade continued, “But don’t worry too much about that. You can sit with whoever you want at meals.”

That was a relief.

“Lights-out is at ten, and there are no exceptions. Except—” and he waggled his eyebrows at us “—for those cabins who manage to get the Clean Cabin Award more than five times.”

“That’s a lot,” the redheaded boy said.

“Yes, it is, but it’s possible. Next week, if we’ve managed to rack up the award every day, then we can stay up and have a pizza party one night. And we get to have lights-out at eleven for the rest of the session.”

“That’s more like it,” said the boy who had complained about the award being lame.

“Thought you’d like that,” Wade said, shaking his head.

“Anyone caught slacking or breaking rules will either be forced to clean the cabin or one of the lodges all by themselves, or be sent home, depending on the severity. So don’t break any rules.”

He set down the rest of those rules then, which were mainly things like don’t litter, don’t talk back, be on time to lights-out, no fighting…

“Now,” he said, once he was finished. “Let’s introduce ourselves. Tell us your name. And…” He scrunched up his face like he was thinking really hard. “…what is your favorite board game?”

He pointed to the boy on the top bunk nearest him. He was tiny, with sandy-blond hair, and eyes and lips that were too big for his face. “Hey, I’m Mike, and I’ve never played a board game.” He looked like he meant it, and that we were stupid for having played them.

“That’s too bad, Mike,” said Wade, not rising to the bait. “Do you play video games? What’s your favorite?”

Mike sighed and said, “I like World of Orcs and Bloodcraft.”

“Great games!” Wade said, and I wondered where he got all that optimism and enthusiasm. He must have it injected into his system somehow.

The next kid, a tall black boy with dark brown skin, a shaved head, and a quiet voice, was Alex who liked Monopoly. Next, it was me, so I said, “Hey, I’m Casey, and I like Pioneers of Noran.” The red-haired boy below me was Gavin who also liked Pioneers of Noran. Inwardly, I cheered. Outwardly, I leaned down casually and gave him a thumbs-up. He grinned back. Things were definitely looking up.

We continued around the room. There was a Nick who had dark hair and eyes, a Geoff (“with a G”) with brown hair and blue eyes, a Tanner who had a brown rattail and looked like he belonged at a tractor pull, an Elliot who was tall and dark and was already showing the beginnings of a mustache, a shy brunet named Tyler, and finally Ryan, a defiant blond with dark eyes who refused to give a game he liked.

“Okay then,” Wade said, glossing over Ryan’s rudeness. Ryan narrowed his eyes and clenched his jaw but didn’t talk back. “I told you before, but I’m Wade, and I like all board games. If you’re bored and need something to do, just come find me, and I’ll play whatever you like!”

He continued, clearly changing the subject. “We have a while before dinner, so relax, go explore, whatever you want. Just be back in the cabin by four thirty. We need to get everyone together to line up for dinner, and we leave at five.”

I hopped off of the bunk and smiled at Gavin. “Hey, what did you think of the new expansion pack?” I asked him, hoping our interest in Noran would strike up a friendship.

“I loved it!” he said, and we were off.

I ended up sitting on his bed, while we jabbered on about the game. After we had exhausted what we could think of about it, we moved on to ourselves. I told him where I was from and was disappointed to learn he didn’t even live in the same state. “Yeah,” he said, “we came here from West Virginia.”

That was too bad. Well, at least he was going to be good company for the next couple weeks.

After that, our conversation trailed off, and he excused himself. He had friends to go meet. I figured I might as well explore and see if Ella was free yet.

I left the cabin and strolled down the road toward the two lodges. There was already a crowd of kids there, lounging on the low stone wall in front of the Lincoln Lodge, and going in and out of both buildings.

I picked a lodge and went into Washington. It was a huge open space, with wooden benches pushed up against the walls. Most of the benches were already occupied with kids chatting with one another. I was ignored. I made the loop around the lodge and then exited, trying not to feel embarrassed and out of place. A lot of the kids appeared to know each other already, and I figured they’d been coming to camp since they were small, like Ella.

Lincoln Lodge was different, partitioned into a few rooms with a screened-in porch in the back. Picnic tables had been set up in each room, and one room even had a fireplace and rug. A set of shelves next to the fireplace contained a few ancient-looking books covered in dust. On one of the tables were some pieces of paper. I casually walked over and peered over the shoulders of some of the other kids.

“What’s this?” I asked one.

She glanced at me, smiled, and said, “Morning activities! Sign up for what you want to do tomorrow morning after breakfast.”

“Do we have to do any of them?” Wade hadn’t said anything about activities.

“Sort of. You’re supposed to sign up, but as long as you’re around camp, you should be fine. But some of them have limited slots, so sign up as soon as you can if you want to do them.”

“Thanks.”

She beamed at me, and I felt my face flush. She was cute, too, with brown hair cut into a bob and bright blue eyes.

Girls didn’t flirt with me very often. I wondered if this was how it felt. Or was she just being nice? I didn’t want to be the jerk that mistook one for the other.

Once enough people were out of the way, I scanned the options. There was something called Greek dodgeball, a football game, swimming, how to make friendship bracelets, and how to use a compass. All of them except for Greek Dodgeball and football had limits. There was even one that had only five slots, and it was entitled “Super Secret But Amazing Activity.” No one had signed up for it yet, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to, either.

Swimming was a no-go. I couldn’t swim in my binder and didn’t want to explain why I wore it, and I wasn’t about to get into a full bathing suit. It was the one thing I missed about not presenting as a girl anymore. I’d been a decent swimmer and enjoyed the water. But now it was too fraught with difficulties. I wasn’t a fan of football. The compass one might be interesting, but I wanted a chance to talk with Ella first before we signed up for radically different things.

I wasn’t a fan of dodgeball either, but I had never heard of Greek dodgeball. What was the difference? I didn’t particularly relish the idea of being hit with plastic balls, but I didn’t see much choice if Ella didn’t want to do the compass one.

After dithering for a few minutes, I ended up signing up for the compass activity instead anyway. I almost wrote down Ella’s name, too, but I didn’t want to get her mad at me. The friendship bracelets thing sounded a little silly, but if she’d rather do that, I could switch my name over. There were enough slots it shouldn’t be a huge problem.

After that, I had to answer nature’s call, so I wandered down to the bathrooms.

Even though I’d been going into the boys’ restroom at school for a year now, my heart still skipped a beat any time I approached one I hadn’t been in before. I ignored the feeling, as I always did, and entered it more confidently than I really felt.

No one was in there, so I picked a stall at the far end and did my business.

As I was finishing, the door banged open and a herd of boys came in, their shoes making a racket on the concrete floor. I froze instinctively, my heart suddenly in my throat. They were laughing and chattering and acting like normal boys. I relaxed and was about to step out when I heard one boy say, “Hey, guys, I heard there’s a girl in with the boys.”

I bit my lip.

Another voice, “What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means,” said another voice, “that we have some queer living in one of the cabins.”

“Anyone know which one?”

“Nah. Everyone’s being really tight-lipped about it.”

“That’s against my religion.”

There was mean laughter. I closed my eyes and tried not to care. They didn’t know who it was who was trans, only that there was someone at camp who was. Someone had blabbed. I knew the camp director had only wanted the counselors to know. The fewer who knew, the better, for just this reason. Someone always talked.

I was going to have to brace myself for the inevitable. I would be outed at some point before the end of camp, and this proved it. If people were already suspicious, it wouldn’t be too long before I’d cease to pass, and I’d have to start thinking now about how I wanted to handle it. It was frustrating and a little frightening this had come out so soon. And it wasn’t even the first whole day.

I could start telling people myself and hope for the best, or wait for it to come out, possibly at a bad time or in a bad way. Neither option was great. There were always more options, but the longer I waited, the fewer there would be.

There was nothing for it: I was going to have to talk to Wade about it. I’d hoped we could have waited awhile longer for this conversation, but it was clear now we couldn’t.

The boys finished their business, and once they were gone, I crept out of the stall and washed my hands. The water was bitterly cold, and I shivered. It wasn’t just from the water.

I trudged back up the hill to the cabin, but was glad when I heard my name shouted.

Ella was running toward me, and she threw her arms around me in one of her crushing hugs. “Everything okay?” she asked when she saw my face.

I looked around. There were a lot of people nearby. “Yeah, tell you in a minute. First, did you sign up for anything?”

“Yeah! Dodgeball!”

I was so astonished I didn’t know what to say at first.

“Hey, no, it’s not like regular dodgeball,” she said when she realized why I wasn’t saying anything. Then she reconsidered. “Well, it is, but it’s more fun than that. You should come, too!” She flashed pink braces at me.

“I signed up for the compass thing.” I wasn’t sure I wanted to put myself in the path of someone with a big ball and a hatred for trans people.

Ella’s face fell a little, but then she grinned again. “Don’t worry; there’s plenty of time for dodgeball! The compass thing sounds fun. I’ll see if there’s still slots.”

We went back to the lodge, and Ella was able to switch her name to the compass activity sheet. I was relieved. She pulled me outside and down the road toward the empty cabin number one. “We’re not supposed to go all the way there,” she explained, “but we can get a little privacy near it.”

Once we were out of earshot, I told her about the encounter in the bathroom.

“Oh, I’m so sorry Casey. That’s terrible. Did you see who it was?”

“No, unfortunately. I didn’t want to leave the stall.”

I didn’t want them to notice me, when they were already primed to look for people who didn’t seem to belong. I hadn’t thought to peek out to see who they were. Part of me didn’t want to know. What if Gavin had been one of them? What if any of the boys in my cabin had been one of them? Chances were good, but I couldn’t know for sure.

She squeezed my arm in sympathy and then checked her watch, and her mouth made a big round O of surprise. “Come on, we’re going to be late for dinner.”

We ran back down the road, hand in hand. A few people tittered as they saw us together, but we were used to that. We split up and went to our respective cabins.

Wade eyed me and then the clock. “Cutting it close, Casey!”

“Sorry.”

Everyone else was there. I scanned the faces, wishing I could read the thoughts behind them. Had any of them gone to the bathroom recently? Did any of them suspect? Alex was the only one who noticed me looking, and he met my gaze coolly. I looked away, embarrassed at getting caught.

“Okay!” Wade said. “It’s time to go!”

We trooped out of the cabin and onto the road. Already, a large crowd had gathered, and everyone was talking animatedly, excited about finally being at camp and away from our parents. We lined up according to cabins and buddies. The order would rotate, so cabin two and cabin seven went down the mountain first, followed by everyone else. The next day, cabin three and cabin eight would go down first, and so on. Only the cabin that won the Clean Cabin Award would break that system, as they would get to go first.

Our two cabins intermingled, and I got to see the buddies we had in cabin nine. There were ten girls, just like there were ten of us boys in cabin four. They ignored us, giggling in cliques already. I wasn’t up for breaking into one of those groups yet. I didn’t care that it might look weird for a boy to hang out with the girls—a lot of my friends back home were girls and boys—but since it might be considered weird, I was going to stay away. I didn’t need to have anyone wondering about me because I happened to like hanging out with girls. There were a couple of pretty girls in the group, but no one was as cute as Gavin.

So I tried to hover as near him as I could without looking creepy. He was deep in conversation about something with Geoff and Ryan, so I couldn’t strike up one about Noran again. I’d be walking alone.

Once everyone was lined up—there were a lot of us, and the noise we made was pretty incredible—the signal was given to head down. We walked down the mountain, being admonished to stay in our groups until we got to the dining hall. It was a long and difficult walk, and I was surprised. The trip up had been so short in the car, but it was going to be a chore doing it at least three times a day for meals. The road was uneven and rutted, and I tripped over large rocks a few times. It was steep, too.

I tried to stay near Gavin, but two of the other boys from our cabin had joined in the discussion. I was too shy to cut in, and I had no idea what they were talking about. Instead, I noticed Alex walking alone but near me. He either didn’t notice me looking in his direction or didn’t want to acknowledge it.

Oh well. At least I’d get to sit with Ella once we were there.

We made it to the meadow with the pavilion but passed it up and kept going down the mountain. On the right, we passed the pool again, which I threw another longing look at. Someday, I’d be able to swim and not have to worry about my body at all. I’d just swim like any other boy. But that was a long time off in the future.

A wave of depression passed over me.

It was lonely being trans sometimes. You wanted to get close to people but also feared it. You wanted to be “normal” and like everyone else, but there was no way you could be. Not for the first time, I wished I wasn’t trans. I wished I had just been born with the right parts.

Some of my trans friends didn’t like the “born in the wrong body” narrative (“Bodies can’t be wrong” was what my friend Annie always said), but it still fit some of us. My body had never been right. And when I started puberty, it came up with a whole host of new problems. My breasts had already started to grow, and it had terrified me. I didn’t want them. I cried and screamed when Mom took me to buy my first bra when I turned ten. She hadn’t understood it, and neither had I. It had felt like giving up, though, like I’d lost something valuable I couldn’t identify. I’d been so confused I refused to wear the bras at first, and only relented when it was too uncomfortable not to.

Luckily, I got put on puberty blockers as quickly as possible after I came out to my parents. But it hadn’t stopped me from getting small breasts. That was why I wore the binder and would need surgery later in life. I tried not to dwell on it too much, but reminders like the pool didn’t help. I looked away.

After the pool came more civilization. We passed large white houses with green trim, where old men were out watering the lawn and children were playing tag. No one had phones, which weirded me out a little. I wondered vaguely if we could get service this far down the mountain. Surely we could? There were people here, and they needed phones, didn’t they?

The crowd veered off toward one of the large houses, and we made our way to one of the outbuildings off to the side. A counselor, who wore a name tag that said Trisha, Cabin Seven, stood on the stairs, blocking everyone from going inside. A screen door blurred the view inside, but I could see people moving around, placing jugs of water on tables.

Trisha waited until everyone was lined up again and then led her cabin into the dining hall.

It took a while for me to get there, but Ella had saved me a spot. I slid in between her and another girl, an Asian girl with short-cropped dark hair and somewhat pale skin. She smiled shyly at me, and I gave her one back.

Ella said, “This is Lily,” and pointed at the other girl.

“Hi, Lily. I’m Casey.”

“You’re in cabin four?” she asked.

“Yep.”

“My brother’s in there.”

“Oh right—Nick.”

“Yeah.”

I hadn’t gotten to know Nick yet, so we lapsed into silence after that. I felt awkward, but Ella, as usual, smoothed everything over.

“The food here is great,” she told us both. “All-you-can-eat rolls, and the fried chicken is good! They don’t serve it all the time, though.” She looked around, as though searching for the missing fried chicken.

“You’ve been here a lot?” asked Lily.

“Yep! Every year since I was eight!”

“Wow,” Lily said, and I agreed.

I relaxed a bit after that and was able to enjoy the meal. The food was tasty, though simple. We started with a salad, and then we had barbeque sandwiches. This wasn’t canned or premade barbeque, either. It tasted like it had been smoked right outside, tender and juicy.

“They bake the bread here,” Ella explained, handing me another roll. It looked like it had been baked in a muffin tin, with two large lobes boiling out over the top. “We call these butt buns.” She giggled. I snorted and Lily tittered.

I slathered more butter than I should have on my roll. It really was good. We also had corn on the cob, boiled potatoes with sour cream, sweet tea, and pink lemonade—that everyone called bug juice for some reason.

By the end, I was stuffed. But we had dessert, too, which was a variety of cookies, mounded on plates. I took two but would have taken more if I hadn’t already been so full.

After dinner, we were allowed to socialize, so the crowd mixed up a bit more. Lily got up to go talk to her brother, and Ella and I were left mostly alone.

“So?” she asked, her expression eager.

“Ella, come on.”

“No, no, tell me, who do you like?”

Part of me hated that Ella was ace and aro—asexual and aromantic—and that she lived what fantasies she did have vicariously through me. She was on the ace spectrum, which meant specifically for her that she wasn’t really interested in dating, sex, or romantic relationships. I sullenly wished she would go and get herself a boyfriend to get off of my back. But that was a mean thing to think about my friend, so I never said it out loud. I didn’t particularly like that I had those thoughts about her.

I sighed dramatically and tilted my head in Gavin’s general direction. He was surrounded by friends, including Ryan, all of them chattering as though they’d known each other for a long time.

“Name?” she asked.

“You don’t know him?”

She shook her head. “Haven’t seen him before.”

So he was a first-timer like me, but he seemed to be doing a lot better for himself than I was. “Gavin,” I whispered, fearing he would hear me.

“Oh, nice name. He’s cute, I guess. Anyone else?”

“Not really.”

“Come on, Casey! Look around!”

I did, scanning faces now that I could see everyone gathered in one spot. There were some cute people, but I wasn’t sure I found any of them attractive enough to pursue. No one stood out. Except Gavin.

I hadn’t come to date. I kept telling myself—and Ella—that, but neither of us appeared to be listening.

Well, my eye was caught by one of the counselors I hadn’t seen before. I blushed suddenly then, and Ella noticed. She grabbed my arm and shook me. “Who, who?” she hissed in my ear.

I nodded in his direction and she tsked at me. “Going after one of the counselors, shame on you, Casey. That’s Lars, anyway.” She flicked her hand in dismissal.

Lars was a gorgeous man. Not handsome, not attractive, but gorgeous. His face was feminine, almost suspiciously so, and his hair was long and candy-floss in texture. It was the palest white I’d ever seen on a person. His skin was ruddy in spots but so pale I wondered if he had albinism. His eyes were clearly dark, though, big and brown. Weirdly, he was wearing a sweater in this heat, and it was an obnoxious shade of pink.

“What’s with him?” I asked.

“He’s a little weird. Quiet, but nice. He plays guitar.”

“Of course he does. What cabin is he in?”

“He’s one of the out-of-cabin counselors. He doesn’t have his own; he stays with the others in town. You should know better, though, Casey.”

I did. He was pretty, but he was definitely way too old.

“Are you sure no one else our own age?” Ella lamented.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Okay, so what are you going to do about Gavin?” She mouthed his name, huddling in close, her shoulders hunched for maximum plotting.

“I don’t know. Probably nothing. Look, Ella, this really isn’t the place for romance, okay? Not now.” I wanted a chance to be a kid, and not always a trans kid. Romance complicated things.

She crossed her arms and fake-pouted, telling me, “You’re no fun.”

I poked her hard and she yelped. We got into a tickle fight then, but Wade broke us up. “Come on, now, guys; no roughhousing,” he said. I was going to protest, but Ella pinched me on the arm and shook her head. I dropped it.

I shoved another cookie in my mouth to keep from saying anything else on the subject of boys, and shortly after, we were shooed out of the dining hall.

We were allowed to wander back up the mountain on our own or hang around the meadow and pavilion if we wanted. Since it was the first day, there was no Canteen, which was a bit of a disappointment.

Ella and I walked up to the meadow and lay on our backs on the soft grass, staring up at the sky. The sun wouldn’t set for a while, since it was summertime, but the sky had already started to darken. A few stars peeked out, and the moon was rising. The grass smelled good; the air was mild. That high up in the mountains, it wasn’t too hot, which was a blessing since I was still in my binder. A sense of peace settled over me. I was at camp, with my best friend. Nothing else could be better.

“Do you like it here so far?” Ella asked, after several long minutes of easy silence.

“I think so. I mean, it’s not even been a whole day.” I didn’t want to think about the bathroom incident, so I put it out of my mind.

“I just want you to like it here. This is such a good place, with good people.”

“Some of them, yeah.”

“Oh, don’t worry about them,” she said, reading my mind. “They’re losers and jerks. They wouldn’t dare say anything to your face.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“I usually am.”

I stuck my tongue out at her, and she laughed. She had a lovely, musical laugh.

We settled into the comfortable silence we sometimes had with each other. Ella and I had been friends for so long we didn’t need to talk all the time.

The other kids had started a Frisbee game around us, and there was much screaming and laughing. I could also hear the distinctive whamp of a basketball on concrete coming from the pavilion. The drone of cicadas almost drowned everything out, and a couple of fireflies buzzed by, their butts lighting up and disappearing.

Ella broke the silence. “Do you ever think it’s weird that I don’t like…anyone?”

I rolled over onto my side and frowned down at her. “What do you mean?”

“That I’m ace, you know, that I don’t want to date anyone?”

“No, it’s not weird. You know that.”

She squirmed. “Yeah, I guess. But sometimes I wonder if I’m broken.”

I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “No, Ella, no. You’re not broken. Don’t think that.” I felt doubly guilty for wishing she would just go out and get a boyfriend already.

“I just can’t see myself…you know…” She looked away, her cheeks red.

“Did someone say something to you?”

She wouldn’t meet my eyes, and I guessed I was right. “What happened?”

Still not looking at me, she blew her cheeks out. “I hate saying this, but I know I’m pretty. I get a lot of guys asking me out.”

I knew that, too. Ella had long blonde hair that always seemed perfect. Her skin had never met a pimple, and when she wasn’t out camping, she wore makeup like a supermodel. She was too pretty to be real, sometimes, but I didn’t think of her that way. She was my sister, by choice if not by blood. I merely said, “Yeah, I know.”

She looked at me then. “So a couple of guys have already asked me out. And I keep having to turn them down. It’s exhausting. I hate doing it. Maybe I should say yes and get it over with?”

I was surprised they’d moved on her so quickly, but I didn’t want to tell her that. It would only make her feel worse. So what I said was, “You mean, date? Or…?”

“No, not that. Just date. I mean, maybe I’ll like it? Maybe I’m missing out? Maybe if I had a boyfriend, the rest will leave me alone?”

“You shouldn’t date unless you really wanted to, Ella. Don’t force yourself for someone else’s sake.”

“Well, no, it wouldn’t be for someone else. It would be for me.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, but if you think it will help…”

“Who do you think would be good for me?”

“Oh, please don’t ask me to set you up.” I groaned. I couldn’t even get myself a date.

She shoved me, making me fall onto my back. “Hey!” I protested, but she pinned me down by sitting on me.

“Casey, come on. You know the boys in your cabin. Who would you want me to date?”

I squirmed, but Ella held me down easily. She was surprisingly strong, her legs muscular and powerful from being into soccer for so long.

“Who?” Ella barked.

We heard laughter from nearby, and she looked up and frowned. A group of kids had stopped playing Frisbee and were now staring at us.

To my horror, Gavin was there, laughing at me being pinned down by her.

“Problem, Casey?” asked Ryan, the guy with the attitude from my cabin. His face was stormy, his arms crossed over his chest.

Ella rolled off me and we stood hastily. I brushed myself off. “No problem,” I said as casually as I could.

Ryan looked back and forth between us and then shook his head in disbelief. “I never thought a runt like you could get a girl like her.” There was something else in his tone I didn’t like, but I couldn’t tell what it was.

“Fuck off,” Ella said.

We all turned to her in surprise. I didn’t often hear Ella swear. Her hands were clenched into fists.

“We’re not…” I began.

“Looks like you two were making out, runt.” Ryan said it to me, though he never took his eyes off of Ella. “You know that’s against the rules, right?” His grin was full of malice.

Ella’s jaw clenched, and my stomach did a flip-flop. “We were doing nothing of the sort,” said Ella, flipping a lock of hair over her shoulder. “Not that what I do is any of your business anyway.”

Ryan finally looked at me, but maybe only to look away from Ella. “Maybe Wade would like to know about this.” He turned on his heel and went toward the tunnel of trees that led up to the cabins. The others, including Gavin, followed.

I moved to go after them, but Ella stopped me by grabbing my shoulder. “Don’t,” she said. “You’ll never make it up there before him.”

“Is there a shortcut?”

“Casey, drop it.”

“What did he do to you?” I asked, realizing there must be history between the two of them. What else could explain Ryan’s hostility?

“Nothing. Never mind.” She wiped at her eyes, and I knew it could not be “nothing.”

“Ella…”

“No!”

She turned and followed Ryan, leaving me there on the field with my jaw hanging open in shock.

What had just happened?

I didn’t want to follow her right away. She clearly didn’t want to talk to me, which hurt. So I walked around the field, and then jogged around it, to work off some of my anger. My binder made jogging uncomfortable, but right then I didn’t care. I wheezed and slowed down, though.

Why would Ella have a history with Ryan? That question rolled around in my head the whole time I moved. Had they been together at camp before? Did Ryan like Ella, and was that why he instantly disliked me when he saw Ella and me together? And would Ryan succeed in getting us into trouble?

By the time I had calmed down enough to think straight, everyone else was heading back up the mountain. It was getting dark, and I didn’t want to walk around without a flashlight, so I followed them. It was a long, hard trudge in the near darkness.

On my way, I noticed Alex was heading up at the same time. Again, he didn’t look at me but somehow seemed aware of me, and I wondered what his problem was. He even stiffened as I drew near, and I veered away so I didn’t disturb him.

At the top, the crowd was larger, but I could see people beginning to break up and go back to their cabins. The temperature was dropping too, and I shivered a bit. Summer nights in the mountains got chilly. I headed to my cabin, my breath heaving as much as I was able in my tight binder. It was starting to cut into my skin.

I ignored Ryan as I entered the cabin, but I could hear him laughing with a couple of the other boys. It hurt to see Gavin was one of them. Alex came in after me and went, stone-faced, to his bed. Without even taking off his clothes, he rolled over onto his side so his back was to everyone.

Okay. Cabin four didn’t seem like the awesome place Wade was hoping it would be.

Luckily, the counselor heard Ryan say something unflattering about Ella and me and yelled at him. “That’s not how cabin four boys talk!” he shouted, and I got a little satisfaction in seeing the dismay on Ryan’s face.

But Wade didn’t see the rude gesture Ryan made at him when he turned his back.

I figured Ryan’s threat to tell on Ella and me was a bluff, because Wade never said anything about it. Ryan was sure to use it against us, though, and I wondered again what had happened between him and Ella.

I had other things to think about. Tonight would be the first test. I had to get undressed, and I wasn’t about to go to the bathroom in the dark if I could help it. So I grabbed my clothes, hopped up onto my bed, and buried myself in the sheets.

Then, without being able to see what I was doing, I shimmied out of my dirty clothes and put on my pajamas. I had to remove the binder, too, which I absolutely hated doing, but I couldn’t sleep in it. It could seriously hurt my ribs or my lungs if I wore it too long, and I’d been in it all day. It was hard to get off, especially both lying down and trying not to be noticed, and I wrestled with it and hoped no one saw.

Unfortunately for me, they had. Ryan was pointing and laughing at me, but not out loud, since Wade was still around. The counselor had settled onto his own bunk and wasn’t paying attention to anything.

I ignored Ryan and balled the binder up in my dirty clothes. My pajamas were baggy enough to cover the bulges on my chest, but I was still self-conscious about them. I folded my arms across my chest, pinning my breasts down, and packed away my things as quickly as I could with my arms as close to my body as I could get them. Then I went to Wade’s bunk and whispered, “Can we talk for a second?”

He eyed me and then nodded. “We can walk to the bathroom.”

Relief flooded me. I needed to go, but hadn’t wanted to go alone, not again. And that gave me a good excuse to bring up what had happened. He grabbed a flashlight, and I followed him out of the cabin and into the cool night.

“What’s up?” he asked quietly.

“I had an encounter in the bathroom,” I said, and then explained it. “Someone told one of the kids I’m trans. Maybe not actually me, but someone let it slip there was a trans kid at camp.”

Wade’s brow had furrowed, and his dark lips were pressed into a tight line. “I’m sorry, Casey, that you had to hear that. I can see if we can find out anything, but since you didn’t see them, it’ll be hard to get any answers.”

“I know. I just…I just wanted to talk to someone about it. I mean, should I tell people I’m trans, to prevent awkward questions later?”

“What do you mean?”

“If people know, then if someone tries to out me, they won’t be able to use it against me. If it’s a surprise, more people could be upset about it.” And accuse me of being a liar, a cheater, a deceitful person. It had happened before at my old school.

“I’ll talk to the director and see what he says. For now, don’t worry about it okay? But if you want someone to go with you into the bathrooms…”

“No, that’s okay.” That offer always felt weird to me. It would make me stand out. No one else needed a guard in the bathroom, why should I? It felt creepy, but I did appreciate the gesture.

We went into the bathroom, and there were a few other boys in there. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait for a stall, so I went in and did my business. Wade still finished before me, though, and he waited for me outside.

The walk back was silent, but before we got to the cabin, he stopped me and said, “I’m sorry about Ryan. I had actually petitioned for him not to be allowed in my cabin. He’s a known troublemaker.”

“So why is he allowed in? Don’t they throw people out who break the rules?”

“I wish it was that simple,” Wade said, sighing. “Ryan is the camp owner’s nephew.”

Well, shit.

I wondered if that was why Ella hadn’t wanted to talk about him and figured it probably was.

“Thanks for letting me know.”

“He’s a bully, but he’s not so bright. Just stay away from him as much as you can, and I’ll try to watch out for you.”

It was going to be hard to stay away from him when he was only a bunk away. “You know he doesn’t like you much?”

Wade rolled his eyes, and I laughed as he clutched at his heart, pretending to be mortally wounded. “How will I survive?” he said, stumbling.

He then clapped me on the shoulder, and we went the rest of the way back to the cabin.

The boys had gotten rowdy since Wade had been gone, but they quieted down as soon as he shouted at them.

“Lights-out in fifteen, boys,” he said.

I climbed back into my bunk and pulled out my book.

Wade turned out the light when it was time, and I settled down to try to sleep.

It had been an okay day. I’d hoped it would be better, but at least so far I hadn’t been outed. That was all I could hope for.

The last thing I thought of before I fell asleep was that I hadn’t even showered yet.