Chapter Two

WADE SHOOK US all awake in the morning. “Get up! Time to clean the cabin!” he chirped, far too happy for the morning.

I groaned and growled at him as he shook my leg. I did not like mornings, and chipper morning people made me like mornings even less. But I got up and grabbed my clothes. I went to the bathroom to shower and dress, and it took several long minutes to struggle into my binder while I was still damp. No one saw me, though, which was what counted.

I hurriedly finished changing and ran back up to the cabin, so as not to be seen as slacking. It was my turn to sweep, so I made my bed and then chased everyone out once they were done so I could pass the broom over the floorboards. I did as good a job as I could, even getting into the corners.

Once I had finished, the other boys came in and completed the other chores. There was making the beds, tapping the bugs out of the screen windows, mopping the floor, and dusting. Outside, we cleared the path to the door (rocks tended to roll down from the mountain). In addition, each cabin pair was given a community chore to do. We lucked out and didn’t have one for the first day, which meant the cabin itself was going to have to be spotless. Wade had us even reline the road outside of the cabin with rocks, since they tended to migrate as kids tripped over them or deliberately kicked them around.

Wade looked over everything and deemed it acceptable. Finished with chores, we lined up with the other cabins to go down to breakfast.

As before, once we were down at the dining hall, I slipped in to sit beside Ella. She was looking a little wan that morning, with red around her eyes. Lily wasn’t sitting next to her.

“Hey,” I said, bumping her arm so she’d look at me.

Her smile was tight, but at least she smiled at me. I decided not to press her about it. If she was upset, she would tell me why eventually, but not until she was ready. I wondered if it had anything to do with Ryan.

Breakfast was pancakes with tons of butter and maple syrup. There was even fruit compote, which was still warm. I inhaled three large pancakes, and that made Ella laugh a little. “You eat like a teenage boy,” she muttered at me.

“That’s because I am!” I winked at her, and she laughed again. That was better.

Conversation picked up after that, but neither of us could share confidential news with so many other people around. So we talked about the weird dreams we’d both had that night and about the activities planned for the day.

At the end of breakfast, Lars, the gorgeous counselor, stood up and had some announcements. His voice was deep and pleasant but slow, and I found myself wondering what he looked like under the loud Christmas sweater he was wearing. He didn’t seem to see any of us, staring off into the distance instead. “Some of you may know what I’m about to announce,” he said, “and some of you won’t. But, that’s okay! This is to tell you that at every session we have a talent show. Winners get bragging rights and pizza! Signups will start this afternoon, but the show won’t be until next week.”

Ella poked me. “You should do it!”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because you’re a good singer!”

“No way,” I said. I didn’t want that much attention focused on me. My singing wasn’t that great, anyway. Plus, I didn’t want to pursue it any further until I started testosterone. Who knew what my voice would sound like when it dropped?

After, we were free to go to our morning activities.

The compass group was to meet in the field, so Ella and I went back up the road. The dodgeball group was already forming under the pavilion, and the football people had staked out a large section of the field.

Two counselors stood next to a pile of compasses on the far side of the field. Ella waved happily to one and said, “That’s Annabelle; she’s my counselor.”

Annabelle was plain and pale but had a bubbly personality. Her hair was mousy brown, and her eyes were hidden behind glasses. The other counselor’s name tag said, “Rich, Cabin Two.” He was short and stocky, with a shaved head and bright blue eyes. He stood with his hands on his hips, looking like he was distinctly uncomfortable.

Only a few people had signed up for the compass training, far fewer than they could have accommodated. I was kind of glad.

We spent a good portion of the morning learning all about compasses. Rich marched us all over the field and the sparse woods just next to it, barking out orders on how to follow with our compasses. Once satisfied we knew enough, Annabelle and Rich blindfolded us and led us into the woods. We were given directions on how to find our way back, but that was it.

I happily tromped through the forest alone, hoping Ella wasn’t too upset about it. She hated being by herself if she could help it.

I easily made it back to the field. Ella wasn’t long after me, and she hugged me. “Help me get the sticks out of my hair,” she said as she let me go.

She didn’t have many, but I helped her anyway, because I knew she needed the reassurance of touch.

We didn’t need to wait to see when the others returned, so we wandered off. “Let’s go watch the dodgeball game!” she said.

I wasn’t entirely thrilled with the idea, but she had signed up to do the compass activity with me, so I relented. There was a crowd of shrieking and laughing kids under the pavilion, throwing large red balls at each other.

Luckily for me, we hadn’t ever played dodgeball in school. Because of its bad reputation, it had been banned in my district. I knew about it of course, because I’d seen TV shows and movies with it. The geeky or queer kids always got picked on by the jocks, har har. At my old school, I was sure that was how it would have gone, but not at my new school.

Still, I wasn’t eagerly looking forward to playing it. What if someone hit me in the chest? Physical activities weren’t entirely fun with a binder on, either.

We sat on the grass near the pavilion and watched. Ella explained it to me. It seemed complicated, and I only half listened, still not sure I would ever want to play it.

We watched for a while longer, and I had to reluctantly admit it looked like fun. “We’ll do that next time,” I said. Ella hugged me—of course, she did.

Eventually we got bored with watching, but it wasn’t yet time for lunch. Ella suggested joining in, but I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to be on opposing teams, and the numbers would be uneven if we joined only one. So we went back up to the lodge to hang out.

Washington Lodge was nearly empty, with only a few couples and clumps of friends talking and wasting time. I pulled Ella into a corner and sat her down. “Now, tell me what’s up.” It was time she told me.

She blew her hair out of her eyes and looked away. “Okay, I’ll tell you.” Ella took a deep breath and went on. “Two years ago, Ryan and I kind of dated. We were the first for each other; neither of us had dated before. It was just here,” she hastily added when I looked skeptical. I’d never heard of her dating anyone before. I was surprised she hadn’t told me about it, and I wondered why.

Ella went on. “That was how I found out I was aro and ace. I didn’t like dating. It felt weird. I didn’t like how Ryan was so possessive of me. He always wanted to touch me when I didn’t want to be touched.”

That was saying something, for Ella.

“I mean, we were only twelve, and he kept talking about us getting married and having kids.” She shuddered. “I thought at first I was asexual because of him. But I couldn’t bring myself to date anyone else, either. The thought of sex? I just can’t see myself doing that with anyone.” She took a big breath and said in a rush, “He tried to ask me out again already this year. I had to be really firm with him, and he didn’t like it. He was pretty rude about it.”

I couldn’t relate to her asexuality, but Ella was my friend, and I tried to empathize with her as best I could. “I’m sorry, Ella. He seems like such a creep. But even if it is just because of him, so what? Maybe you’re just not ready to date?” I hated saying that to her, because asexual people got the “you haven’t found the right person yet” crap all the time. That wasn’t what I was telling her, and I hoped she got the difference.

“Maybe,” she said, looking away again. “Will I ever be ready?”

“That doesn’t matter,” I told her. “There’s nothing wrong with being ace, Ella. If you find someone, great. If not, great.”

She smiled at me, and it was a little watery. I drew her into a hug. “Love you,” I told her, and she knew how I meant it.

“Love you, too.”

There was a commotion as we pulled apart, and I saw Alex had knocked over a bench. I hadn’t even seen him come in, but he hastily left, a huge scowl on his face and his hands curled into fists. The other kids were eyeing each other amusedly, and I wondered what they’d said to him. Had they done something mean? I frowned at them, but none of them looked guilty.

We went outside to do something to get our minds off of Ryan. Ella wanted to show me her cabin, but boys weren’t allowed in. She did stand in the door and let me peek in, much to the consternation of the girls inside. We laughed about it, and I did the same for her at my cabin, but none of the boys were there.

“They all look the same,” she said.

On our walk, we spotted Lars in another loud pink sweater, that time with an Easter theme. He was also wearing a long flowing skirt, which flapped around his hairy legs and hiking boots whenever he strode back and forth across the grounds.

The boys laughed at him behind his back, but he either took no notice or didn’t care. The girls didn’t know what to make of him. He was so gorgeous most of them drooled over him, but I think his dress sense weirded them out.

I thought that was silly, but cis people tended to be silly sometimes about gender expression. I didn’t mind pink, but I’d never wear it, not wanting to deal with the fallout of being a trans boy in something considered feminine. Lars didn’t seem to mind the color, and he seemed like he was enjoying the skirt.

I thought he was brilliant.

People should be allowed to wear whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. Lars looked good in a dress, but he’d probably look good in a burlap sack.

Ella and I wasted more time just wandering and talking until we had to go down the mountain for lunch. We went back to our respective cabins to meet the counselors, who counted us and herded us to our spots.

While we were waiting, I noticed Alex looked, if it were possible, even more morose than usual. I didn’t know him well, but he didn’t seem to have any other friends that I could see. He stood off to one side, as far away from the rest of the cabin as he could get and still be in the right place.

I don’t really know why, but I went over to him and said, “Hey, are you okay?”

He didn’t look at me, but said, “I’m fine.”

“Anything you want to talk about?”

He looked at me then, but his facial expression didn’t change. “No, I’m fine.” His jaw tightened as he looked away, glaring at the trees.

“Okay,” I said and wandered away again. I guess he didn’t want any friends, which was sad.

I ate with Ella again, and we were joined by both Lily and her brother, Nick. I wasn’t too sure about Nick, since he was one of the ones standing around when Ryan had been laughing at me. I was cool to him until he said, as he passed me the rolls, “Sorry, man, about yesterday. Ryan was way off base.” He bobbled his head in a strange sort of shrug. “Ryan’s an ass, but you know…”

“It’s okay,” I said, relieved, but also not wanting to hear why he still hung around someone like Ryan.

Lunch was fried chicken, and as promised, it was very good. We also had cornbread, which I detested, and collard greens. More cookies were served for dessert, but of a different variety than we had before. We also had fruit, and as much bug juice as I could swallow.

Nick played a lot of video games but was into all sorts of geeky and nerdy things. He even cosplayed and explained that he was one of the youngest winners ever in a national costume contest.

“Wow,” I said, impressed. “What character?”

He named one I wasn’t familiar with, and he lamented, “If we had cell phone service up here, I could show you pictures.”

“Yeah, that’d be great!”

Lily didn’t cosplay but was the brains behind Nick’s costuming wins. “I do all the mechanical stuff,” she explained in between bites of cookie. “Like making his chest piece glow, and the wings actually work. They’re hydraulic.”

“I can’t wait to see this,” I told him.

We talked more about cosplay, which I had only a passing interest in, since I couldn’t sew. But I’d been to the local comic conventions and had enjoyed most of the games and comics that cosplayers emulated. I was always impressed by the costumes.

At the end of lunch, one of the other out-of-cabin-counselors, a tall Indian woman named Ritika, stood up and said, “We’re going to announce the Clean Cabin Award!”

The hall quieted down, and we all eagerly awaited the news. While I didn’t care much about soda, I was hoping our hard work would be noticed.

“Everyone’s cabin looked really good,” she said, smiling. “But it’s only the first day! Make sure you keep working hard. The first Clean Cabin Award goes to cabin three!”

We clapped politely while they celebrated, cheering and hugging. Ritika continued, “After lunch is Quiet Time, but before you go to your cabins, make sure to sign up for your afternoon events.”

Once the rest of the announcements were done, Ella said, “Cabin three also gets to go to the showers during Quiet Time.” She made a face and sniffed at herself.

“Can anyone go during Quiet Time?” I thought of my hurried morning shower and how inconvenient that was going to be.

“No,” Ella said. “And the rush is right after. We have some free time between then and activities and dinner, and everyone tries to shower then.”

“I might try showering before bed then,” I said.

“It gets cold. Better try it when the sun is up.”

I didn’t say it out loud, but it was going to be better for me to shower when no one was around. If I could do everything, including getting dressed, in the shower, that would be ideal. I preferred to do that as far away from other people as possible.

Once more, we trooped up the mountain. I signed up for dodgeball for the afternoon because Ella really wanted to play instead of watch. In the cabin, Wade was already telling the other boys what we could and could not do during Quiet Time. “You can nap, which I highly recommend, or you can read or do something else quietly. You just can’t go to the showers, and you can’t make a lot of noise. No talking, okay?”

I didn’t think nap time was a useful way to spend part of an afternoon, but I could see some of the others were tired. I hopped onto my bunk with my book and read for the hour.

Once it was over, everyone else headed for the showers. I pulled Wade aside and asked him if it was okay if I showered at night.

“As long as you’re in bed by lights-out,” he said.

Good, because that would be the best thing for me. I wouldn’t run the risk of encountering anyone else in the showers. I might get cold, but that was an easy price to pay. I hoped no one took special notice of me going to the showers at night.

I changed into some clothes that would do better for dodgeball and met Ella at Lincoln Lodge. I hoped I wasn’t going to regret this.

A crowd had already formed when we got to the pavilion. To my dismay, Ryan was there. Alex was, too, but he was standing off to the side, ignoring everyone else. I wondered why he’d signed up if he didn’t like anyone. Being hit by large balls probably wasn’t going to help his mood or what he thought of everyone.

I was surprised to see Lars was one of the counselors in charge. Wade was the other, which was a relief. If anything went badly between Ryan and me, he’d be there to see it. If he was paying attention.

Lars had changed clothes yet again and was now wearing a pair of bell-bottoms that looked like they were originally from the ’70s. They were worn and faded and had a riot of brightly colored patches all over them. He was still wearing the ugly Easter sweater and hadn’t even broken a sweat despite the heat.

Weird guy.

I couldn’t help but notice his rear end in the tight jeans, though.

Ella elbowed me. “You’re being obvious,” she whispered. “But I don’t blame you. You know we joke that the butt buns were modeled by Lars, right?”

I blushed so furiously my face got hot enough to spring out in an immediate sweat. Ella was smart enough not to laugh at me.

Wade split us into two teams, and he wisely put Ella, Ryan, and me on the same team. Alex, too, which seemed to cheer him up a bit. Being on the same team meant Ryan wouldn’t have a chance or reason to hit me with a ball. But I caught the expression on Ella’s face. She stood as far away from him as she could, and I saw him glance at her a few times.

We spread out over the pavilion, and I stood toward the back with Ella and Alex. I didn’t know how vicious this was going to be and didn’t want to get hit first if I could help it.

Both Lars and Wade threw a ball, one to each team, and it all began.

Two teams opposed one another across the centerline, and with two balls, it would be harder to keep track of them both. Once hit with a ball, instead of being “out,” a player would go to “jail,” which was on the fringes of the opposing side’s space. To get free of jail, they’d have to hit someone else.

I liked that one hit didn’t mean you were out of the game entirely. And with two balls it was harder for the teams to monitor who had one, and so the kids in jail got out pretty quickly.

Even though it was difficult following both balls, I couldn’t help but smile as I bobbed and weaved as they were chucked at me. Ella got hit early on and jogged over to the jail on the other side. I tried my best to get her a ball, but I had a hard time catching them.

The binder made running harder, and I was almost constantly out of breath, but that was okay. I dodged another ball, only to have it bounce off the cement and take Alex in the gut. He oofed and then stalked off to the jail.

I ran after the ball and got it before it rolled into our jail, and chucked it at Ella. She caught it and immediately hurled it at an unsuspecting player on the other side. It grazed his arm, and Ella yelped with glee. She ran back over, and we high-fived.

Our side didn’t seem to be doing as well, but that hardly mattered.

Only moments after Ella got out, I got hit and went into jail. Alex stood near me, but his mind clearly wasn’t on the game. He stared off into the woods for a while, and I wondered why.

I got the ball that Ryan—of all people—threw at me but missed my shot. The ball rolled over to the other side, where no one was standing. I wasn’t going to make it, so I nudged Alex. “Go! You can catch it.”

He eyed me with disdain and didn’t move.

Okay, then.

Someone on the other team got the ball and chucked it. Two balls at the same time went for Ryan, but he was too fast. He caught one of them and hurled it back at me. That time, I handed the ball to Alex instead. “Go for it.”

He took it, surprise evident on his face. A girl turned her back to keep track of the other ball, and Alex nailed her with his. She shrieked in mock anger, and then, grinning, gave him a thumbs-up and trotted over to the jail. Alex looked at me, said a quick “Thanks,” and went back to our side.

I spent the next five minutes in jail, trying to get someone to throw me a ball. But they were either intercepted or when I got the ball I missed my target.

After, I gave up trying and just watched, hoping someone would throw one my way. But in jail I stayed until Lars and Wade finally called the game to a halt.

We were all sweaty and tired and out of breath. I wanted to take my binder off, since it was soaked and uncomfortable, but I couldn’t take a shower yet. The binder was so tight, I shouldn’t be wearing it so much anyway, but I didn’t know of a good time to take it off and not have my chest noticed. It should have come off at Quiet Time, but I hadn’t had the chance.

It was exhausting. I was about ready to tell everyone anyway, just so I could stop bending over backward to hide it.

One of the balls got away from Lars and rolled to my feet. As I bent down to pick it up, Ryan walked up to me. I was about to straighten up and thank him for the assists, but he veered into me and knocked me over. Since I was still mostly bent over, I went face-first into the concrete, scraping my cheek.

“Hey, asshole!” I yelled from the floor, my hand held to my stinging face.

A few people stopped talking to stare. Ryan turned to me and fury was on his face. “What of it, runt?”

A red haze filled my vision. My heart pounded in my chest. I was sure he knew, and he was going to blurt it out in front of everyone.

“Why help him, anyway?” Ryan scoffed, jerking his head at someone. I looked at who he was referring to and was surprised to see it was Alex. What problem did Ryan have with Alex?

“It’s just a game,” I said, standing up. “Why the hell would you push me over?”

“He’s gay,” Ryan said, and then repeated it, mocking, “Gaaaayyy.”

I flushed.

“Hey, hey now,” said Wade, noticing the brewing fight. He saw my bloodied cheek. “Are you all right?”

“Fine,” I said.

“What happened?”

Ella cut in, “Ryan pushed Casey!” Her blonde hair swung around her face as she pointed an accusing finger at him.

Wade turned a dark look on Ryan, who shrugged, smiled a shit-eating grin, and said, “It was an accident.”

“Like hell it was,” I said.

Wade frowned at both of us. “None of that,” he said, shaking a finger at me.

“What?” I asked, honestly confused. “What did I do?”

Wade ignored me. “Shake hands, both of you.”

“No way,” I blurted. “He pushed me.”

“It was an accident!”

“Then apologize!” I yelled back.

Wade smacked a fist into his palm. “Enough! Both of you will be doing extra chores for fighting!”

I opened my mouth to protest, and Ella made an outraged sound, but Wade said, “Not another word out of any of you! Now, we’ve had a nice round of dodgeball, and this is what’s going to happen.” He turned to me. “Casey, go to the nurse and get that checked out. Ryan, go back to the cabin. You’re there until dinner.” He shook his finger in Ryan’s rebellious face. “I’ll be up in a few minutes, so you’d better be there.”

Ryan stormed off, trailed by a few of his hangers-on.

Ella took my arm and fiercely said, “I’ll go with you to the nurse.”

I glared after Ryan, wishing I had lasers for eyes so I could burn a hole in his back. My cheek smarted. Ella led me off the pavilion and across the field.

There was a tiny house next to the field, across the road, which I hadn’t really paid attention to. It turned out it was the nurse’s place.

Ella knocked on the door, and an elderly woman in a long blue skirt and white blouse opened the door. “Oh, dear,” she said, noticing my bloody cheek.

She sent Ella back out, with strict instructions to let Wade know where I was, and drew me into her examination room. “What happened?” she asked.

“Another kid pushed me, and I fell onto the concrete.” My anger had started to fade, and the injustice of it was starting to rankle. Why were adults so oblivious and unfair?

“Well, that’s a problem.” She bustled around the room, getting a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, some cotton swabs, and a packet of gauze bandages and tape from a few cupboards and drawers. She poured out some of the peroxide onto a piece of gauze and dabbed at my cheek. It stung worse, and I winced.

“Looks pretty clean,” she said after a moment. “That’s a good thing. But I’ll still give you something to numb it up a bit.”

She got out a tube of something from another drawer, squeezed some out onto a swab, and dabbed it onto my face. It was cool, and the stinging subsided as she worked.

The nurse put a large piece of gauze over the wound, and then taped it up. It covered almost half my face. “There you go.”

“Can I use your bathroom?” I asked.

“Of course.”

She showed me where it was, and I took the opportunity to remove my binder. It had started to smell, and I felt gross. But the pressure was off of my chest. My ribs were hurting, and that wasn’t a good sign. Big red creases marred my skin, and I checked them carefully for bleeding. The binder hadn’t cut me but had come pretty close. I might have to forgo it for a day, and that wasn’t a great option. I knew I couldn’t wear it for at least the rest of the afternoon. I shoved it into my pocket as best I could, though it left a big lump there.

I left the infirmary after thanking the nurse and trudged my way back up the mountain. My face still stung a little, though the ointment she’d put on was starting to work. I went straight to the cabin and found Wade railing at Ryan. That gave me a little bit of satisfaction, until the counselor rounded on me as well.

“I’m disappointed in both of you.” Wade glanced back and forth between us. “I can’t believe I have two boys from my cabin in trouble for fighting. I’ve never had a situation like this.”

The anger inside me rose, and I tried to tell him I didn’t start it, but he never gave me a chance to speak.

“I don’t care whose fault it is, or who started it.” His voice rose to drown me out. “This is unacceptable. Both of you will be working extra to make up for this, and I might have you do it the whole rest of the time you’re here. I clearly outlined the rules ahead of time, and you broke the most important one on the first full day. I don’t want to hear it!” he said as I opened my mouth again. Ryan was staring at the wall, his face frozen. “If I found out either of you have taken one more step out of line, I’m going to call your families and have them come pick you up. Is that clear?”

My heart sank.

Ryan sneered, but Wade wasn’t going to have any of it. “You attacked another camper, Ryan, and even your uncle and your dad will pull you out for that.”

That wiped the expression of off Ryan’s face, and his jaw tightened, his lips a thin white line. But he said nothing.

“Both of you are to stay here until dinner. To make sure you don’t get into any more trouble, I’m staying here, too. There will be no more talking.”

I stormed to my bunk, kicked open my trunk, and pulled my binder out of my pocket when no one was looking and dumped it there. Grabbing my book, I thought reading might help, but all I could do was stare at the page and imagine punching Ryan in the face. I repeatedly went over what I wanted to say to Wade but hadn’t been allowed. None of it was nice.

It was totally unfair I was getting punished. I hadn’t done anything to Ryan, and he had knocked me over. And that was after he’d actually helped me in the game.

His words, though, about his reasoning behind the sudden change, came back to me. I had almost forgotten them in the chaos.

Ryan had claimed that Alex was gay. I had helped get Alex out of jail, and that apparently offended Ryan enough for him to attack me.

If that were true, it was no wonder Alex was cold and distant. Especially if he knew Ryan was prejudiced, or maybe he’d done something to him before.

I might be able to reach out to Alex if he would let me. But I had to be careful. If he really was gay, he might be sensitive about it and wouldn’t like me talking about it around him. If he wasn’t gay, he might blow up and do something to prove he wasn’t—like fight me. I couldn’t get caught fighting again.

I slammed my book down and stared at the ceiling instead. Why did we all have to be so stupid to one another? Why couldn’t we just accept one another the way we were? Why did I have to fight so hard to be myself? Why should Alex have to hide whether he was gay or not?

I rolled over and looked out the screen window, feeling the cooler air blow on my face. It was getting close to dinnertime, and the sun was already starting to descend. My stomach growled.

I felt sorry for Alex. I felt sorry for myself. I even, sort of, felt sorry for Ryan. It must be exhausting to carry around all that hate, that tension, inside him. But I couldn’t feel too sorry for him. He’d chosen that, and he could choose not to hate if he wanted to.

There were kids playing and running around outside, enjoying themselves, and sadness crept into my heart, replacing the anger. I should be out there, too, with Ella, having fun. Instead, I was only watching it all, and it was just the first day. I wanted to hate this place. A sudden homesickness overwhelmed me, and I almost rolled over and told Wade to call my parents. I was leaving.

But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t let Ryan win—let him chase me away from something I’d wanted to do for years. I was living as a boy, passing as a boy. Even getting into trouble as a boy. It was what I’d wanted for so long. I couldn’t give up now. I couldn’t disappoint Ella, either, who had wanted me to come to this camp so badly.

Next year, there’d be no more camp for me. I’d be fifteen and in high school, too old to go to camp again. I didn’t want the memories of my first time at a regular camp to be tainted by me leaving before I’d even gotten through an entire day.

I didn’t want to disappoint myself, my parents, or Ella that way.

I watched the kids outside until dinnertime when Wade sullenly shooed us out of the cabin to line up. Once more, Alex was off to one side by himself, his shoulders hunched over, kicking gloomily at rocks. I could hear the others whispering about him, too. Word had spread after what Ryan had said at the pavilion.

Their whispers worried me. If they did that because Alex might be gay, what would they say behind my back if they found out I was trans?

I threw caution to the wind and walked right up to him and said, “Sorry I didn’t get you out of jail sooner.”

He looked at me, his brow furrowed as though he couldn’t understand why I was talking to him. I ignored it and went on.

“It was a fun game anyway. I haven’t ever played it before.”

He eyed me and said nothing.

“Have you ever played Greek dodgeball before?”

“No.” His voice was cold, but his face had softened a little.

“Did you like it?”

He shrugged. “I guess.”

“Too bad I couldn’t get out of jail at the end, though,” I said, making light of it. “Maybe next time.”

He nodded, but then it was time to walk down. He sped up, so it was hard for me to keep up. I decided to let it go. Maybe he was just that shy, and showing him I was harmless would help.

I walked alone down the mountain, until we’d nearly reached the field and pavilion. Then, to my surprise, Gavin sidled up next to me and leaned over. “Hey,” he said quietly.

Shocked, I stared at him. “What’s up?”

“Just wanted to apologize. Ryan was way out of line. I thought it was funny at first, but he went too far. I’m sorry he got you into trouble.”

“Thanks,” I said, forcing the word out around my heart, which had suddenly lodged itself in my throat. He had pretty blue eyes.

He smiled at me, and then went on ahead, walking faster than I wanted to. Without a bra or my binder, walking too fast made me bounce, which was uncomfortable. I’d brought a sports bra, for just this sort of thing, but hadn’t gotten a chance to put it on. Besides, I hated it. It set off my dysphoria something fierce, and I hadn’t wanted to bother with it because of that. Already feeling pretty bad, I didn’t need a dysphoria attack on top of everything.

Dinner was tasty lasagna with salad. As usual, I sat with Ella. Shocking us all, Gavin asked if he could join us, and when I wasn’t able to respond, Ella had to answer.

“Please sit!” She grinned and squeezed my leg under the table as I fought to keep the blush off of my face.

“Thanks!” Gavin slid into the seat next to me, and Lily and Nick sat across from us.

Gavin was very polite, and we talked about Pioneers of Noran until Lily and Ella got bored enough to start into their own subject. Nick was quiet but listened intently to the two of us geeking out over our favorite game.

By the end of dinner, I had completely forgotten my previous depression. Things were looking up. I had friends in Ella and Nick, and even Lily. And now, Gavin, my crush, was paying attention to me. And he was actually nice, once he was away from Ryan.

Dessert was fruit, and I muttered how I missed the cookies.

“Can’t have them all the time,” Gavin said, and he nudged my shoulder.

My heart sped up at the touch, and even though his hand had only brushed my shoulder, I imagined I could still feel his fingers there, a ghostly trace. My arm tingled.

Ella was practically bouncing up and down in her seat, and I had to give her a look to calm her down, lest she give it away. I didn’t want Gavin to know I liked him.

Two years ago, just as I was beginning to realize I was a boy, I had crushed on another boy really hard. I’d only just cut my hair and started dressing more like a boy. I hadn’t yet changed my name or even come out to anyone, but everyone knew something was up—that I was different. When I managed to gather my courage and ask him out, the boy had gotten offended and made a scene where he publicly begged me not to like him.

It had been mortifying and devastating. That was one of the main reasons I wasn’t all that interested in finding love any time soon, especially not here. But I couldn’t help the crush.

Besides, it was hard enough being trans, but add queer on top of it, and it made dating almost impossible.

After dinner, we’d have Canteen, of course, which meant socializing and soda. I wasn’t interested in the soda, but Gavin seemed particularly enthusiastic, so I pulled up my own excitement in response. We went back up the mountain as soon as we were allowed.

Cabin three, who had won the Clean Cabin Award, got to be in line first. But the three of us, Ella, Gavin, and I, were next. We got our sodas, and still Gavin stayed with us instead of going to hang out with the rest of cabin four.

When we sat down on the stone wall outside the Lincoln Lodge, I had to ask, “So, what’s up with them?” The other cabin four boys were hanging out together, lounging on the rocks in front of cabin seven, and I waved my soda can in their direction. “Why aren’t you hanging out with them?”

“Did you want me to?” Gavin asked.

“No,” I said quickly, “I just wasn’t sure why you suddenly dropped them.” Why was I saying this? Did I want to drive him away?

He shrugged, and I was relieved he didn’t take it personally. “I got tired of their crap. They’re not really nice, you know?” He nodded his head as Alex walked by, and the other group of boys got quiet and watched him walk past with amusement on their faces. Alex was ignoring them, but they laughed and made lewd gestures as he passed. “See? I just don’t think that’s cool.”

“No, it’s not,” I agreed.

“I thought you guys would be cooler, you know, since you like Pioneers so much.”

Ella cut in, “Well, some of us.” She rolled her eyes and then winked, and we laughed. I stuck my tongue out at her.

“Well, some of us have better taste,” I said. She pretended to be offended, and we all dissolved into giggles again.

We hung out that night, laughing and getting to know one another. I flirted as best I could with Gavin but wasn’t very skilled at it and held back because I didn’t want to be too obvious. But I used any excuse to touch him, and he didn’t seem to mind. By the end of the evening, we were sitting close enough our legs almost touched. He didn’t move away.

After my lonely shower that night, I went to bed, but it was hard to get to sleep. I kept thinking about the one time Gavin had touched my arm, about how close we’d been all night. And he was below me right now, lightly snoring. His closeness was so distracting, my feelings intensifying at the thought of how near he was. I eventually did go to sleep, the sound of Gavin breathing lulling me into my dreams.