Chapter Three

THE NEXT MORNING, after completing my assigned cabin chore (mopping after Alex had swept), Wade delivered me to the latrines to help out cabins two and seven. There was a lot of chuckling and whispering behind my back, but I ignored them. At least I was cleaning the boys’ bathroom and not the girls’. I tried to find some sort of silver lining in all this.

What made everything even worse was that I couldn’t wear my binder. My ribs still ached, and my sternum hurt from the day before. I could hurt myself more if I wore it again. So I’d put on the baggiest shirt I had and hunched my shoulders, hoping that would be enough. The sports bra underneath was a size too small but still didn’t offer much in terms of concealment. It was better than nothing.

My face still stung, too, but when I removed the bandage there wasn’t anything more than a regular scrape. Nothing bad, so I declined to go back to the nurse to have it checked out again. Wade seemed to think it was fine, too. Part of me wished it was worse, so maybe he’d punish Ryan more and let me off the hook. No such luck.

At breakfast—waffles with fruit compote—Ella seemed a little faded around the edges. I asked if she was okay, and she threw her usual smile at me. But I could see in her eyes that she didn’t have her whole heart in it.

“I’m fine,” she said when I opened my mouth to press. I closed it and didn’t pry, wondering if this still had something to do with Ryan.

A pool party was announced for that night. Instead of afternoon activities, we would have an extended Quiet Time and then an early dinner to accommodate it. There would be even more food at the party.

There was an air of excitement as we all trooped back up the mountain for our morning activities. By mutual agreement, Ella and I had decided against dodgeball again. I didn’t want to do anything physical without being able to wear a binder, and for fear that Ryan would be there to make it worse. Otherwise, I’d be too self-conscious and uncomfortable, and the sports bra could only do so much. So we signed up for friendship bracelets, as boring as it sounded.

Surprisingly, so did Gavin.

One of the female counselors was there to teach us how to knot the bright string into fun designs. I was hopeless at it, but Ella’s knots were tiny and perfect, and her bracelets more intricate than the counselor’s. She even showed us a few patterns the counselor didn’t know.

Gavin was clumsy at it, but it gave me an excuse to touch his hands as I helped him knot. I wasn’t that much better, but Ella flat-out refused to help him, saying she was much too busy with her own bracelet. Her lips twitched from keeping back a knowing, triumphant smile.

At one point, Gavin had managed to get the string wrapped around his hands so badly he couldn’t get them out without making a huge tangle.

“Here, let me get it” I leaned over and grabbed both of his hands, sliding right up next to him. His leg and shoulder pressed against mine, and I could feel the heat building in my face. He was so close I could see the bright red lashes on his cheeks as he looked down at his hands. He had a super large, very dark freckle directly under his right eye, and it was adorable.

I slid a hand down his arm and took the string from his fingers. He looked at me, and we were almost close enough to kiss. I think I stopped breathing when he smiled at me. “Like this?” he asked, as he slid his hand into mine.

I froze, my heart hammering so hard I was afraid he’d be able to see it slamming against my ribs. “Yeah,” I gasped out. It sounded too breathy, too intimate, even to me. I hoped he didn’t notice. Or maybe I did want him to notice.

Gavin pulled his hands away, and the moment was broken. He had untangled himself with a deft move, both from the string and from me. It had been too intimate, then. I had pushed too far, too fast.

He stood up abruptly, and I hastily shifted over, as though what we had just done hadn’t meant anything to me.

But there was a bright red flush creeping up his pale skin, drowning out his freckles one by one. “I, uh, gotta go,” he mumbled. He left quickly.

Ella, oblivious to the awkwardness, giggled and reached over to squeeze my hand. “That went well?” she asked, with one raised eyebrow.

“Maybe.” I took a deep breath to calm myself. He had seemed pretty embarrassed by it, though.

I spent the rest of the morning agonizing over whether Gavin could be gay or bisexual. Had he distanced himself from Ryan because of his remark about Alex? Was he queer and didn’t like Ryan making fun of it? Or was he still not sure, and I had just opened his eyes with same-sex attraction?

I also tried not to make it all about me. What if Gavin was straight, and he was picking up that I was assigned female at birth? I wanted him to like me as a boy, not as a girl.

When we were alone, I badgered Ella about my appearance. “Am I still passing?” I asked her, flattening out my T-shirt and hoping my chest wasn’t too obvious. Without the binder, it seemed horrifyingly apparent I had breasts. They weren’t big, but they were impossible to miss in some of my clothing. The sports bra didn’t do much to hide the telltale lumps under my shirt.

“You’re fine,” she told me, more than once.

“Are you sure? You’re not just being nice?”

Exasperated, she rolled her eyes. “You look like you always do, Casey. Like a boy. Now stop worrying! I think he does like you!”

At lunch, it was announced that cabin eight had won the Clean Cabin Award, which was disappointing. I was hoping that if we won, Wade might get off my back. It was hard not to be happy for Ella, though, who cheered when it was announced. She did a cute, funny little dance in her seat and set us all to laughing.

As we walked back up the mountain, I noticed Alex was hovering nearby. I nudged Ella and told her I was going to go talk to him. She nodded, seeming to understand that we wouldn’t want a crowd, and hurried to catch up to Lily, who was walking with her brother.

“Hey,” I said as I approached Alex.

He glanced at me and nodded. His face was neutral, but at least it wasn’t cold.

“Are you looking forward to the pool party?” I asked.

He shrugged. “I guess.”

“I don’t swim, so it’s kind of a bummer for me.”

He looked at me in surprise, and it was the first genuine look I’d seen on his face. “You can’t swim?”

I decided to go ahead and lie. There was no way I was getting into a pool, so it wouldn’t matter that I did know how—and was rather good at it. No one would ever know. “Nah, not really. I mean, I probably can, I just don’t like it.”

He looked away and was silent for a few steps. Then he said, “I can’t swim, either.”

“Hey, no problem. We can hang out together on the side if you want.”

That got me a smile, and I was glad to see it. He had a nice smile, and it relaxed his whole face when he did it. “That would be great.”

“Okay!”

He didn’t say much else after that, but we’d gotten up the mountain by then. I needed to stop in the bathroom, and he went on to the cabin.

The sports bra had been bugging me all morning, and I had to take it off. If I didn’t, I was sure a major dysphoria attack would happen. And those usually devolved into panic attacks, which I’d been prone to before I realized I was trans. I didn’t want to have a panic attack here, so off came the sports bra. I hated not having my binder on, but my ribs still hurt. The bra hadn’t helped them, though it wasn’t as bad as the binder.

I put my shirt back on, stuffing my bra into a pocket, and hurried to the cabin for Quiet Time. I actually did sleep that time, since I hadn’t gotten much the night before.

Wade had to wake me when the two hours were over. Since we still had a while before dinner, I went out to find Ella so we could hang out.

But I couldn’t find her. Instead, I found Gavin reading a book in the Lincoln Lodge. It made me pause, as it was a series I’d made my way through ages ago but loved and would probably read again.

“Is this your first time reading that?” I asked.

He blinked up at me, smiled when he saw it was me, and said, “Yeah. Just found these recently.”

“Aren’t they great?”

He flipped the book over and examined the cover. It showed a mage fighting a dragon. “Yeah, I guess so. I mean, they’re not usually what I read.”

“What do you usually like?” I loved fantasy; it was my favorite genre, no matter what people said about it.

“Horror, really. But I’m kinda getting into fantasy because of Pioneers.”

“Yeah, it will do that.”

We chatted for a while, and then he asked, “What’s your family like?”

“They’re great, actually.” I had to be careful here. My family was supportive, for the most part, but I couldn’t tell him why. “My mom’s nice, but my dad can be annoying sometimes.”

“Something we have in common. My dad’s a prick.”

“Oh, sorry,” I said.

“Do you have any siblings?”

“Nah, just me.”

“Hunh, I wish. I have three sisters, and I can’t stand any of them.”

“Sorry.” I was unsure what else to say and didn’t want to reveal too much about my family, not yet.

The door opened and Alex came in. He looked around, a scowl on his face, and then left. We stared after him, wondering what that was about. Gavin laughed and said, “He’s a little strange.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “How so?”

He seemed to sense the difference in attitude and shrugged nonchalantly. “He’s…just so quiet.”

“Did you hear what Ryan said about him?”

It was Gavin’s turn to frown at me. “Yeah, so?”

“Nothing. Just wondering if that’s what you thought was weird about him.” It came out a little more hostile than I intended.

“Oh! No, that’s not what I meant. I mean…no…that’s nothing. I mean, it’s okay.”

I wondered if Gavin would have reacted that way if he was queer. Was he suddenly uncomfortable because he was straight, talking about how it was “okay” to be gay? Or was he worried that I thought he was gay?

“Look,” I said, not wanting this to go further. “It’s almost time for dinner. I’m going to get changed.”

Gavin didn’t say anything as I left, and I didn’t look back. I was pretty disappointed in him. I selfishly wanted him to be gay or bisexual, but it was more likely he was straight. Statistically speaking, he likely was. Or maybe I wanted to feel that way because I wasn’t sure I had a chance with him.

I remembered the moment we had that morning and wondered what he thought about it. Had it made him uncomfortable, and was that why he’d reacted that way? Or had he liked it and didn’t know how to deal with it? Had he purposefully tangled himself in the string to get me close and then chickened out? Or had it just been all innocence on his part, and I was reading too much into it? There were so many possibilities, but there was no way I was going to ask him.

Dating while queer was hard. If you outed yourself to someone by asking them out, thinking they might be queer, too, it was always possible they could take offense or even retaliate. They might be homophobic or closeted. And so I always had to be careful. Of course, there were dating apps meant for queer people, but there was no way I was getting on one of those before I was eighteen. I didn’t really want to anyway.

It was close to the time for the party, so I headed back to the cabin. Gavin was there, and he ignored me as I came in.

I didn’t have a bathing suit with me, but I did have a shirt I didn’t mind getting a little wet, should splashing occur. The shirt I was wearing was white, and it would be bad news should it get too wet.

I grabbed the shirt from my trunk and went to the bathroom to change, since the cabin was full of the other boys getting into their swim trunks. I envied them for many reasons, and I tried not to think about any of them as I hastily changed and hurried back.

We went down to dinner as usual, and it was spaghetti and meatballs, which was my absolute favorite dish. Gavin didn’t sit with us, and Ella whispered, “What’s wrong?” when we had a moment. Lily and Nick were distracted by a heated discussion about something cosplay-related, so for a minute, Ella and I could talk about Gavin.

“I don’t know,” I said, “but I don’t think Gavin is queer.”

Ella deflated. “I’m sorry, Casey. That’s too bad. Are you sure?”

“No. But…well, it’s just the way he acted around Alex, is all.”

“Alex?”

“Ryan says he’s gay, but I don’t know if that’s true or not.” I sighed. “To be honest, I don’t know what to think anymore.”

Life at school was so much easier. I knew exactly who was straight, who was gay, who was trans. There were two of us at school—a trans girl and me. Everyone kept trying to get us together, but we didn’t have anything in common other than being trans. Still, we were good friends, just as I was with a lot of the other LGTBQ kids. We tended to herd together for protection, even though most of my school was pretty friendly.

We didn’t have time to go further with that discussion because Nick and Lily had stopped talking to each other, and we didn’t want to risk them listening in on our conversation. I didn’t need more people knowing about my crush. Not yet.

After dinner, the counselors told us to go outside and wait, and they would take us to the pool. Apparently it was a different pool than the one we passed every day on the way to meals. They didn’t collect us by cabin, which was nice, so I was able to walk with Ella and talk some more. The adults led us through the streets of Ankley Springs, which was quaint in that it looked halfway between a colonial historical town and a Swedish village stuck on the side of a mountain.

“I’m sorry you can’t swim with us,” Ella said. “I really wish you could just be you here.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said. “It’s okay. There’s the whole rest of the summer to swim.” We even had a pool in our backyard, so I didn’t have to worry about wearing a bathing suit. I could put on a shirt and trunks and not even care about wearing a binder. It was the only swimming I got in these days.

“So, about Alex,” Ella said, reminding me. “Have you talked to him?”

“A little. He’s quiet and reserved.”

“Do you think that’s what Gavin might have been talking about?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

“I think you should ask Gavin to the dance.”

“Dance? Oh, right.” I’d forgotten. There was a dance at the end of the session. “I thought I’d just take you.” It wouldn’t bring up too many awkward questions.

“Oh, Casey, come on. It’s a dance! You can’t take me.”

“Why not?”

She blew air through her lips, making them flap. “Honestly, how am I ever going to get you married off?”

“Married?” I gasped, playing it up but also secretly horrified at the idea. “Who said anything about marrying anyone?”

She shoved me playfully, and we dissolved into giggles. I was secretly glad she dropped the subject.

The counselors had led us almost to the base of the mountain and an enormous open field bounded by a chain-link fence. But inside was a huge pool, regular sized instead of small like the one near the pavilion. There was also a big stack of wood in the middle of the field, and Ella exclaimed, “Oh, a bonfire!” It hadn’t been lit yet, but it would be a big one. “They’ll have s’mores!”

I hated marshmallows, but I loved chocolate. Even though, I knew how to roast marshmallows the way Ella liked them, brown all around and as big as a baseball. I had gotten lots of practice at trans camp, after being shown how by one of the counselors there.

Once inside the gates, the other kids ran screaming to the pool. I laughed as Ella joined them, catching the shirt and shorts she tossed away to reveal her rainbow bathing suit.

Following more slowly, I found Alex sitting on one of the deck chairs off to one side and asked, “Is this seat taken?”

He shook his head without looking at me. I sat down and folded up Ella’s clothing to put under the chair, hopefully far enough away from the water it wouldn’t get wet.

“Is she your girlfriend?” Alex asked, to my surprise.

“Nah,” I said. “She’s just a good friend.”

“Really? You’re so close I thought you were dating. How long have you known her?”

“Nah, we’ve been friends forever. Almost my whole life.”

I wanted to ask him about his friends, but I didn’t want to ask him if he had any at all. That sounded weird, like I didn’t believe he did. But I hadn’t seen him be social with anyone at all. I could see him struggling to keep his face impassive, and I wondered what he was hiding.

“I wish I had someone like that,” he said, answering my question.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s kind of rare.” Was he interested in Ella?

“My parents move a lot. I’m usually never in the same place more than a couple of years.”

“Army?”

“No.” he said, shaking his head. “My dad’s an engineer. He works with the Navy, though, so we move when they need us to.” He curled up and put his head on his knees, his arms wrapped around them. It was a precarious way to sit on a deck chair, but he managed it.

“So what do you like to do?” I asked, not wanting to talk much about family.

“Why are you asking me?”

“Oh.” I looked away, trying not to be offended. Maybe there was someone else I could talk to? I was about to get up to look around, but he put a hand out to stop me.

“Sorry,” he interrupted, before I could say anything else. “Just…not used to people being interested in me.”

“Why not?”

“I’m always the new guy, right? No one likes the new guy.”

“That’s not always true.”

“Says the dude who’s had a friend all his life.”

I couldn’t refute that, so I didn’t say anything. We watched the kids splashing in the water.

“Look,” Alex said after a few minutes of awkward silence. “It’s been nice. Thanks for talking with me.” He stood up and left the pool area to go to the pile of wood. It still hadn’t been lit, but it wasn’t dark yet.

I watched him go, a little disappointed. He was right. I didn’t know what it was like to be the new guy, not like that. But I did know what it was like to switch schools. Ella had done the same thing, though, following me to the new school so we could be together. It was true: I had always had a good friend, no matter what.

I turned to see what Ella was doing. She was paddling up and down the pool lazily, with Lily following. Ella was very carefully not getting her hair wet—she had coiled it up on her head with a clip—and she eyed the boys who were horsing around with disdain as they splashed water her way.

The urge to jump in and join my friends was strong, but that would be a disaster. A wet shirt would cling to every curve, revealing my secret.

The splashing increased until I got a little damp. Not wanting to risk getting too wet, I went to the side of the pool to tell Ella where her clothes were, so I could go hang out by the not-yet-lit bonfire.

I didn’t see Ryan.

I leaned over the water to shout at Ella, who was on the other side of the pool. She glanced in my direction, and her expression was my only warning.

Ryan burst out of the water right in front of me, slinging an armload of water right up into my face. Out of sheer surprise, I inhaled, right as the water hit me. Some of it went down my lungs, the chlorine burning my throat. Coughing and choking, my throat spasmed closed. I was trying desperately to simultaneously clear my lungs and suck air down. I couldn’t tell what was going on, but I was starting to panic. My world narrowed down to the ache in my lungs and my lack of air.

I lost my balance and fell straight into the pool.

Instinctively, I curled around my chest, hiding my breasts with my arms. Panic gripped me, and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe.

Hands grabbed at me, and in my terror, I slapped them away. I was still trying to inhale and cough at the same time, and dark spots were starting to appear in my vision.

But I finally managed to stand—the water wasn’t deep—and expelled the water from my lungs. I sucked in a shaky breath, but the panic had gripped me. The breath wasn’t enough.

I started to hyperventilate instead, overcompensating.

More hands grabbed at me, but I smacked them away, splashing and kicking until my head bumped the side of the pool. The pain wasn’t bad, but it sent my already panicking brain into overdrive, and I flailed and slipped under the water again.

I didn’t remember much beyond that, other than finally being dragged out of the pool. My head was in Ella’s lap, and the panic was slowly receding. When my vision cleared, I realized I had gone temporarily blind, literally blind with panic.

“There you are,” said Ella, smiling down at me. It was more a worried grimace than a grin, and her eyes were red.

“Sorry,” I choked out. My throat was raw.

She patted my cheek. “Shh, no, don’t apologize.”

“That was a bad one.” It felt like I’d tried to swallow an entire pineapple.

“Yeah, but don’t worry about it.”

“They know, don’t they?”

“Know what?”

I just looked at her meaningfully. She shook her head. She tugged on something, and I dimly realized she had wrapped a towel around me. It was rough on my skin, but it was warm.

I could have kissed her. “Are you sure?”

“No, but I think they got you out of the pool fast enough. I was right there with the towel.”

She looked away and nodded, her mouth moving, and I realized she was responding to someone else. I had tuned out everything around me. As far as I was concerned, Ella and I were the only people who existed in the world. My brain hadn’t been able to handle anything else.

I turned my head and saw Wade’s worried face. “How are you doing?” He sounded like he was at the bottom of a well, his voice distorted and strange as my brain tried to sort out all the stimuli.

“Okay now,” I said.

“We called an ambulance. Do you want to go with them?”

“Oh, shit,” I blurted, but he didn’t chastise me for it. “No, no, I’m fine.” I sat up and actually did feel fine.

Wade eyed me critically, like he didn’t believe me. “Are you sure? We called your parents, and they said it’s up to you. They want to talk to you, though.”

“I’m fine, really. Can I just go sit by the fire?” I hadn’t planned on getting wet, and now that I had, I could feel the cool mountain air more than before. My fingers were numb, but that might still be from the panic, too. I started to shiver.

Wade and Ella helped me up. I tried not to notice everyone staring at me. The pool had gone quiet, and none of the kids were in it anymore. They must have evacuated it to make sure everyone else was safe.

They guided me to the pile of wood, which still hadn’t been lit. Ella sat down next to me, her arm wrapped protectively around me, and Wade produced a lighter. He bent over the wood, and within a few minutes, the fire was burning brightly.

I wiped at my face with the towel, clutching it with nerveless fingers. For the moment, it was all that kept me from being discovered as being trans.

The fire wasn’t producing much heat yet, but it felt good on my face. I leaned into Ella. “Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you, too. I’m so sorry, Casey. I didn’t see him in time. Damn him!”

“Let’s not talk about that now.” My throat almost closed over the words. I couldn’t afford to panic again, not so soon after. I didn’t want to think about how I had almost drowned, and how it was Ryan’s fault.

“Okay.”

We sat in silence for a long time, while I watched the flames consume the wood. Ella held on to me tightly, fending off anyone who wanted to come up and talk. There were many reasons I loved her, and this was one of them. She knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it.

I would do the same for her.

Other kids had joined the circle around the fire, but I tuned them out, too. When I felt stronger, I was able to look around. They were laughing and having fun, as though they hadn’t just seen me freak out. That was good.

I hadn’t had a panic attack like that in a long time. It had probably been brought on by not being able to wear my binder all day and having to wear that stupid bra instead. And the fear I’d already had about getting wet. Body dysphoria and a sudden fright were not good for my mental health.

“What happened to Ryan?” I asked suddenly, ready now to know the answer.

“His dad came to get him.”

“Good.”

Ella paused and then carefully said, “I don’t think they’ll make him leave camp permanently, though. He was arguing with his dad over it when they left.”

I frowned. I didn’t want to be in the same cabin as Ryan anymore. Maybe I could ask to move to another one, or maybe they’d make him move.

I sat up away from Ella, and she let me. She handed me some chocolate and said, “I know you don’t like s’mores, but here’s some candy.”

I devoured the candy bar in seconds. Wade was handing out metal pokers, marshmallows, and more candy. “I’ll roast one for you,” I told Ella.

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

She handed me a poker and a marshmallow she’d gotten from Wade. I stuck the marshmallow on, edgewise rather than through the end, and stuck it into the flames. Roasting a marshmallow properly was an exercise in patience. You had to rotate it just right, browning it evenly on all sides. You had to watch the flames, so they wouldn’t light the marshmallow on fire. It was therapeutic, because it made me think of something other than the close call I’d had.

After several moments, it was ready—evenly brown all over, still sizzling from the heat, and so large you couldn’t eat it in one bite. I pulled it out of the fire and quickly handed the poker to Ella. Her eyes were shining as she bit into the marshmallow. She melted a little, too, making muffled appreciative noises.

“You are so awesome,” she said with her mouth still full of molten sugar.

We sat there in companionable silence for a while, leaning against one another, until I heard footsteps approaching and turned to see who it was. Ella looked as though she was about to shoo him away, but I stopped her. It was Gavin.

“Is it okay if I sit?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said, and Ella looked at me meaningfully. I knew what she was asking, and I shook my head, wanting her to stay. She settled down and leaned hard into me as though daring Gavin to ask her to leave.

Gavin sat down, but on the opposite side of Ella from me. “Are you okay?” he asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

“I’m getting there.”

“I’m sorry Ryan is such a dick.”

That startled a laugh out of me. “Not your fault.” The laugh made my throat hurt, but it felt good to laugh.

“What he did was really bad.”

“Yeah, it was.”

“So…um…” He looked uncomfortable and then scratched at his head. His face was lit by the flames, his freckles nearly gone in the half-light. “So…I, uh, don’t know how to say this…” He looked helpless.

“Ella, could you give us a minute?”

She hesitated and then squeezed my shoulder as she stood up and wandered off. But I could see her watching us, motherly in her protection of me.

“What is it?”

“I…uh…I saw you. When you were underwater.”

“What?”

“You. Your…chest…”

Oh. Shit. “Dammit.” I’d hoped he wanted to talk to me about something else. Now I wished I hadn’t asked Ella to leave.

“So, you’re like a girl or something?”

I turned my frozen gaze on him. “No. I am not a girl.” Anger had replaced fear. “I am a boy. I’m trans.” I said it quietly, even though I wanted to shout it at him, and the cowardice made me hate myself a little. So what? I was trans. I should scream it from the rooftops as something to be proud of. I shouldn’t hide it. But because everyone else hated us, I had to conceal the part of me I loved the most.

“Oh. Okay.”

“Okay?” His response threw me. I expected revulsion, confusion, condemnation, but not this. “You mean, you’re okay with it?” I said it before I could stop myself, and I could feel the embarrassment painting my cheeks red.

He put his chin on his hands, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, and looked at me. His eyes were sparkling in the firelight. “I guess. I mean…whatever, right?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t think it makes any difference.”

“Difference?”

“To me.”

“Thanks. I think.”

“No…I mean…”

My heart suddenly lurched in my chest. He had scooted even closer to me. His face was too close. His eyelids had lowered, that bright fringe of red falling onto his pale cheeks. Panic was rising again, and I desperately tried to swallow it back down, not wanting another attack. I tried to tell my overextended nervous system this was a good thing. It wasn’t listening.

I reeled to my feet. I couldn’t do this. Not right now.

The world spun around me, and my fingers tingled.

Hating myself a little, I ran away from Gavin. He was calling after me, but I couldn’t stop—couldn’t turn around and go back. When I returned to the poolside, I grabbed Ella’s clothes from under the chair. I found her nearby and shoved them at her.

“I want to go back to the cabin.”

“Oh, okay.” She accepted her clothes and pulled them back on.

We went together to find Wade. The pool party wasn’t over, but I knew they’d make an exception for me. He did agree to take us back on the condition we stop at the nurse’s station and talk to my parents. I was okay with that, so he walked with us up the mountain.

I was quiet the whole time, but Ella and Wade talked as we went. I didn’t listen to them since I had to concentrate on not panicking and on quelling the self-hatred slowly rising inside me. I clutched the towel to me, a flimsy protection against my feelings and the imagined stares of the campers and the townspeople.

Everything I wanted had been handed to me on a platter. Gavin knew I was trans, and he didn’t care. He’d been leaning in to kiss me; I was sure. A cute boy who knew I was trans liked me and wanted to kiss me.

And instead of enjoying it, I had nearly panicked again.

Damn it.

All the way to the nurse’s house, I tried to convince myself I didn’t really want to kiss Gavin. I’d repeatedly said, out loud and to myself, that I hadn’t come for romance. Heck, I hadn’t even looked at most of the girls. That thought made me even more angry, because clearly one part of me had come for the romance. But I didn’t want that to be the part of me that was in control. I wanted to have fun and be just like all the other boys.

The nurse was happy to let us in, and led me to the ancient phone, cord and all, stuck on the wall of her kitchen.

I both did and didn’t want to talk to my parents but knew they’d be worried. I wouldn’t admit it to myself, but I needed to hear my mom’s voice. The past couple of days had been hard.

The phone rang but was picked up almost immediately.

“Hello?”

“Hi Mom, it’s me.”

“Oh my god, Casey. Are you okay? What happened? Who did this?”

“Mom…”

“Do you want us to come get you? We can come tonight and be there in less than two hours.”

“Mom!” I finally had to shout, and Wade frowned at me. “I’m fine. No, you don’t need to come up. I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? Your dad and I are worried about you.”

“It’s okay, really. Please, don’t worry. I’m fine. It was just a panic attack. I didn’t wear my binder today, and then I slipped into the pool. I’m okay.”

“Your counselor said another kid tried to hurt you.” Her voice was so hard—she knew I was trying to hide things from her.

“It was just a prank. He splashed me and surprised me, and I fell in. I’m fine.”

“Your dad wants to speak to you.”

“No…” I didn’t want to talk to him. I wasn’t sure I could take the disappointment in his voice. But she wasn’t listening and had handed the phone over to him anyway.

“Are you okay, Casey?” he blurted out.

I paused. My dad rarely used my name. I knew it was because he missed my old name, my deadname. He’d picked it out when I was born. I picked out Casey. “Yeah, Dad, I’m fine,” was all I could choke out.

“Are you sure? You don’t want to come home?”

“No, it’s okay.” I could feel the word I wanted to hear hovering between us. He’d called me by my name, but could he call me…son?

He sounded gruff. “Well, that’s good then. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time there, Casey.”

My heart leaped in my chest again. “Thanks Dad. I…I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too…Casey.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. I hadn’t ever heard him say that before, to that name. I heard the hesitation, but he’d said it. I sniffled, but no one heard, because he’d handed the phone back to my mom.

“Casey, you just call us again if you want to come home, okay? You don’t have to put up with bullying, you know. Call us right away if anything else happens. We’ll be there for you.”

“Hey Mom…have you been talking with Dad?” I had to know.

“About what?”

“About…you know, my transition?”

“Well, yes, but not recently. You…you know what he’s like.”

Yeah, I knew what it was like. He’d walk away, or not say anything but sit there, stone-faced and disapproving. But…if she hadn’t been saying anything… “He…he called me by my name.”

“I know. I know it’s been hard, Casey. Just be patient with him, okay?”

“Sure.” I could be patient with him, but would he ever come around?

“He’s worried about you, you know,” she said, almost whispering it.

Something in my chest gave way, and I had to swallow hard so I wouldn’t start crying again. “Thanks, Mom,” I said, meaning it.

We said goodbye and then hung up. I felt a little better for having talked with them. Especially my dad. He was worried about me. He cared about me, enough to call me by my name after all of this.

Wade took us up to the cabins, and there was an awkward moment of trying to figure out what to do with us. He finally relented and allowed Ella to come into our cabin. He certainly couldn’t allow her to be alone, and none of the other counselors had come with us.

“But I’m not leaving,” he warned us, unnecessarily.

That was fine. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone anyway, in case I had another panic attack, even though I was fairly sure I wasn’t going to. At least, not right now, not after talking with my parents. Ella had helped me through them before, but it was usually better if an adult was around in case I accidentally hurt myself.

Ella and I got onto my bed, and we sat as close to each other as Wade would allow. Wade settled himself into his own bunk and ignored us as we talked quietly.

“I’m so sorry this happened,” Ella said.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

“But what about Gavin?” she said, mouthing his name, and looked at Wade. At that point, I didn’t care who knew what. Since Wade knew I was trans, he might as well know I was bisexual, too.

I shrugged. “It’s probably better this way.”

“Why? What do you mean?”

“It’s too complicated. I came here to just have fun.” I could now see the lie. I ignored it and convinced myself it was the truth.

Ella frowned at me, as though she knew what I was thinking and feeling. And maybe she did. She knew me as well as I knew myself, perhaps better. But she didn’t say anything, respecting my wish to continue with the self-delusion.

We talked about other things, lighter things, until it was nearing bedtime. Wade hustled Ella to leave the cabin as soon as the other kids started coming back up the mountain, and she hugged me good night.

To my relief, Ryan did not return. Neither Alex nor Gavin would look at me, and I couldn’t blame them. No one else talked to me, either, clearly uncomfortable with my public panic attack. Ryan’s friends, Geoff, Tyler, and Tanner, threw me black looks as though it was all my fault. Nick was the only one who spoke to me.

“You doing okay, man?” he asked.

“Yeah, fine.” I thanked him and tried not to be bitter that he was the only one who cared enough to ask.

Wade let me go shower, which I hurriedly did as there was very little hot water. Shivering, I ran back to the cabin and got into bed.

I lay there awake again, staring at the ceiling, and then out the mesh window. I’d gone through the whole gamut of emotions that night. I wanted to go home. I wanted to stay. I wanted to come out to everyone and get it over with. I wanted to stay in the closet and never come out to anyone ever again. I was happy Ryan was gone. I was upset he would likely return. I wished Gavin had kissed me. I wished I’d never met Gavin. I hated myself for having a crush. I loved crushing on Gavin, who was adorable. It made me feel wonderful that he obviously liked me. But then it made me feel horrible he knew I was trans, even though he’d said it was fine.

Sometime in the night, exhaustion from the roller coaster of emotions finally overtook me, and I slept.