Chapter Four

I WOKE UP, still tired, before everyone else. My sleep had been deep, but I hadn’t had enough of it. However, I felt better than I had in a while. That sometimes happened after panic attacks. It was as though my body had been purged of all the negative emotions and was left lighter, happier. It never lasted, but at least I got to enjoy it while it did.

After gathering up my clothes—including my binder—I rushed out to the bathroom to get dressed. It was a huge relief to finally wear it again. My chest was back to being as flat as I wished it would be all the time.

When I returned, Ryan was back. He was laughing it up with his friends in the cabin, and they all ignored me when I came back in. That was just as well. I think my heart stopped for a moment when I opened the door and saw him there. It had caught me off guard. I’d hoped he’d be gone longer than one night, or, even better, for the rest of the session.

To my surprise, though, Gavin smiled at me when I came back in and asked, “Did you sleep well?”

“No, not really.” His attention had surprised me enough I hadn’t thought to lie.

It wasn’t the answer he was clearly expecting, and he just said, “Oh, sorry.”

While everyone else was getting dressed, I started making my bed. I also had cleaning duties with another cabin, and it was the latrines again. Wonderful. I kicked rocks back into place around the entrance to my cabin and then went to the latrines to do the showers.

When we lined up to go eat breakfast, Gavin was right there. “So what sorts of activities do you think they’ll have today?” he asked.

I stared at him for a moment, trying to decide whether he was being nice to me just because or whether he was playing with me. “Don’t know. But I’m kind of hoping it will be something different. I don’t want to do friendship bracelets or dodgeball again.”

“Yeah, same here.”

Even more surprising, Alex came up to us and joined in the conversation. “Anyone know what we’re having for breakfast?”

Gavin and I both stared at him long enough that he started to turn away, anger written clearly on his face. I stopped him by catching his arm. “Sorry, yeah, don’t know. Whatever it is, it’ll probably be good.”

He looked at my hand on his arm and then up at me. A tiny smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

It was a little awkward and stilted, but we made small talk on the way down the mountain. It was kind of like we were getting to know one another again—a fresh start. I learned that Alex lived with his dad, that his mother had died when he was still really young. Gavin’s parents were still together, but he’d said his dad was a prick. We commiserated a bit about overprotective parents.

They both asked to sit with us at breakfast. I’d never seen Alex hanging out with other people, though admittedly I hadn’t been paying attention. That made me feel bad.

Ella made eyes at me when Gavin sat down right next to me, and I just smiled and threw one shoulder up into a “we’ll see what happens” sort of shrug. She tried containing her excitement for me, though she didn’t hide it well. She was practically vibrating in her chair and was extra loud when she spoke to anyone.

I did feel better about possibly getting involved with Gavin. He was a nice guy, at least as far as I could tell. I still wasn’t sure I wanted to get into a romance at camp, though. What could we do? Sneak off to kiss? We certainly couldn’t be out in the open with it. I couldn’t ask him to the dance, could I?

While the world had become more accepting of same-sex romances, I wasn’t sure a camp full of kids I didn’t know would be the best place to test it out. At least, not without a few adults that I knew I could trust running things. Wade might be useful, but since Ryan’s uncle owned the place, I wasn’t willing to try it out.

I remembered Ella had said there were a lot of queer people here, and that might be true. But I hadn’t really seen any. There were no gay couples smooching in the open. Maybe that would change by the time we all started thinking about dates for the dance, or maybe it wouldn’t. I still wasn’t sure I wanted to find out firsthand how queer-friendly this camp was or wasn’t.

Breakfast was biscuits and gravy with home fries. It was so good I stuffed myself silly as I chatted with Ella, Nick, Lily, Alex, and Gavin.

Alex was quiet most of the time, but he was starting to come out of his shell. Lily and Nick took the addition of the two boys in stride. Gavin and Nick were fans of a video game I hadn’t played before, and they geeked out over it for several minutes.

Lily, Ella, and I got into a discussion of cosplay again, and I listened, fascinated, as Lily described a new build she was working on. It sounded insanely complex, but I could tell she enjoyed doing it and the attention it was getting her.

Because I tended to like boys a little more than girls, I hadn’t ever noticed Lily that much. But now I realized how pretty she was. Taking a girl to the dance would be infinitely easier than trying to take a boy.

But Lily didn’t make my heart flutter the way Gavin did.

Besides, I’d already said I’d go with Ella unless some miracle happened and I could take Gavin without causing a huge fuss. Ella certainly wasn’t going to ask anyone, and I didn’t want her to feel left out.

After breakfast, we all walked together back up the mountain to sign up for our morning activities. There were the usual dodgeball and ultimate Frisbee options. Instead of bracelet making, there was a nature hike, which sounded nice. Ella, Gavin, Alex, and I all signed up for the hike.

We were to meet at cabin twelve, which was further down the road than I’d gone before. Boys generally weren’t allowed down that end since it was where all the girls’ cabins were, and it felt a little rebellious as we passed by them.

Lars was the counselor for the hike, and he was joined by one of the women counselors, Angela, who was in charge of cabin eleven. She was a black woman with medium brown skin and an array of tight black braids she’d pulled up into a huge bun on top of her head. Lars actually wore sensible hiking clothes that morning, though his pants had been poorly tie-dyed. He stared at nothing as we all gathered, humming to himself.

We waited for a while, making sure everyone who wanted to come had a chance to sign up. Angela went back to the lodge and checked to make sure the list had been filled up and then called our names out so she’d know who we all were.

“Okay!” she said. “Let’s get going!”

We even went past cabin number thirteen, which I hadn’t known was there, and the road still kept going up the mountain. I wondered where it went, and if we were going to be following it.

Lars began pointing out interesting plants as we passed. I wasn’t interested in trees, but I dutifully listened as we went. The road petered out into a trail at a stand of maples. Lars listed all the different kinds of trees we were seeing, but I couldn’t tell them apart.

I was too distracted by Gavin. He’d changed into a tank top and shorts. It wasn’t entirely smart when tromping through the woods, but it showed off his arms and strong legs. I envied his flat chest and how he was able to wear a tank top effortlessly, without needing a binder.

I was sweating into my binder, and my breathing was too shallow. Though we’d only just started walking uphill, my T-shirt had started to cling to me. The day was heating up, and I was already miserable.

Ella was casting worried glances at me, but I waved her on. Gavin looked back at me but continued with the others. I slowed a bit to catch my breath and then hurried to get back with the group, hating that they might think I was out of shape or something. I told myself I was fine, that I shouldn’t start worrying. It might set off a dysphoria attack, which wouldn’t help anything right now.

Angela and Lars had stopped pointing out plants, as they’d run out of ones to list, and instead, chatted with each other. That left the rest of us to our own devices, as long as we followed them.

We continued along the trail, which turned rougher as we went up the mountain. Now, it was a thin strip between the trees—barely a string of rocks along the barren ground that we stepped over or stumbled on. A few times, it got steep enough where I had to use my hands for balance. I wondered how long we’d be hiking, and if we’d miss lunch if we went too far.

I stumbled once, and Gavin caught my hand as it waved frantically. A thrill went up my arm, and again when he didn’t let go.

He smiled shyly back at me as we held hands. I was blushing, and so was he. His face was bright enough to match his hair, his freckles drowning in a tide of red. Even his ears were crimson.

Gavin’s hand was warm in mine, but I was pretty sure mine was sweaty and dirty from when I’d fallen. I hoped he didn’t care. I was struggling through a mountain climb with a binder on, and he was wearing a tank top and shorts. I was going to be hot.

We tried to make it casual. I was hoping no one would notice, but eventually he ended up helping me out a few places, and it felt like everyone took note of how much hand-holding we were doing. Ella translated her excitement for me into bounding from rock to rock as they got big enough to stand on the higher we went.

After about an hour of walking, Lars and Angela called a halt. We were close to where they wanted to take us, but they weren’t sure we’d get there in time. We still had to make it all the way back, though we had plenty of time before lunch.

“Down will be easier,” Lars said when Angela showed doubt as to whether we could make it. “It’ll go faster.”

“Okay, let’s try it then,” Angela said.

The rest was brief, but it gave Gavin and me a chance to sit together. His knee was touching mine, and I was acutely aware of it. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening to me. And we were doing it out in the open. All of the other kids could clearly see us holding hands and sitting close.

My heart wouldn’t stop doing flip-flops in my chest, and I felt a little nauseated. I couldn’t believe I was sitting there, in the open, with Gavin. Who knew I was trans. Who didn’t care that I was trans.

I had to be dreaming.

I pinched myself a few times just to make sure, but I didn’t wake up.

I didn’t pay much attention to the rest of the nature walk, because I was too busy paying attention to Gavin. We didn’t talk much, only held hands and walked. And looked at each other. And at the ground, too embarrassed to make eye contact again. I tried to think of funny or clever things to say, but they all sounded so ridiculous they never made it to my lips. Probably a good thing. I didn’t want to scare Gavin away by being too weird.

But when we arrived where Lars and Angela had been leading us, it was worth the whole hike. I paid attention then.

We came out of the trees onto a nearly flat expanse of bare rock, and suddenly there was a valley stretched out below us. Mist had collected in the bowl of the valley, but it was slowly dissipating in the sunlight. We were so high up the trees below us looked like a carpet of green, stretching out as far as I could see. It seemed as though the whole world was green forest. A hawk called out above us, soaring on the wind.

“Wow,” I whispered.

Gavin and I found a place on the rock to sit, but it was precarious. I felt like I could easily slide down the rock and out into the air, falling forever to the valley below. I’d never been up so high, and I didn’t like it. But Gavin was there, and he was holding my hand. I gulped and tried not to think about falling.

“We’re so high up.” My voice was shaking. I hadn’t realized I was so scared of heights. I did want to go closer to the edge but didn’t think my brain would let me.

Gavin pushed himself closer to me. “It’s okay; I have you.”

And before I could stop him, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me as close to him as I could get. I was practically on his lap, could feel his breath at my ear.

“Is this better?” he asked.

“Yes,” I whispered, unable to say anything more loudly.

“Is this okay?”

“Yes.” Still unable to say anything more than just that one word.

“Why did you run away?” he asked quietly.

“I’m sorry. I…I was just not ready. Not right then.”

“Are you ready now?”

I turned in his arms to look into his eyes. “Ready for what?”

A grin spread over his face, and he must have known what I was thinking. “Dating,” was what he said, though.

My heart tripped in my chest. “Dating?”

“Yeah, you know…us going out?”

I didn’t know what to tell him. Was I ready to date? Like, really date? Or could we just stay like this forever?

I never got a chance to answer, because a commotion broke out behind us.

“Where’s Alex?” Lars’ voice was tense, alerting us all that something was very wrong.

I snapped out of my haze of joy and looked around. Alex wasn’t there. I thought I’d just seen him, and he definitely had started out with us.

With a wash of shame, I realized I hadn’t even paid attention to anyone other than Gavin over the past hour. Ella hadn’t minded (she’d been making googly eyes at us the whole time), but had Alex felt left out? Or had he gotten lost?

Lars fell right out of his dreamy-hippie personality and went straight back down the path with purpose, calling Alex’s name.

Angela stayed with us, but she searched the woods within sight of us to see if maybe he’d gone off to answer nature’s call without telling anyone.

“What do you think happened?” Ella asked as we gathered together back on the path. She’d started chewing on her nails.

“He probably just went to the bathroom,” Gavin said.

“Yeah.” I wanted it to be true, too. It would be awful if he’d gotten lost.

“Did you see him leave?” Ella looked at us. I shook my head, and Gavin did, too.

“I feel bad,” I said. “He’d come with us.”

“He probably went into the woods,” Gavin said, and I tried to convince myself that was what had happened.

But Angela returned without having found him. “We’ll wait here for a while, to see if he comes back,” she said.

We stayed there longer than we should have, but Lars returned and shook his head. “Can’t find him,” he said. “We need to go back and let everyone know.”

Too bad cell phones wouldn’t work up here.

Gavin and I didn’t hold hands on the way down. It was impossible, anyway, since we had to jump from rock to rock in some places.

The walk back did take less time than the walk up, but by the time we got back, Lars and Angela were in a near panic. We still hadn’t seen any sign of Alex. I felt guilty, and I could tell from the expression on their faces that Gavin and Ella did, too. We’d gotten too wrapped up in ourselves to notice what had happened to our new friend.

Once the cabins were in sight, Lars took me and Gavin straight to our cabin while Angela made sure everyone else got back to theirs safely. Lars barged right on in and looked around. Alex wasn’t there, but Wade was.

Our counselor rolled off of his bed when he saw Lars and said, “What’s up, man?”

“Have you seen Alex?”

“Not recently.”

Lars swore under his breath. “He was on the nature walk with us and then disappeared.”

We were given firm orders to stay there while Wade and Lars both rushed out of the cabin.

Gavin and I were alone.

Had it been under other circumstances, it would have been great. Fantastic, even, being alone with a boy with no supervision. But I worried for Alex.

“What do you think happened?” I echoed Ella’s question from earlier.

“No idea.” Gavin seemed uninterested. Instead, he took my arm and sat me down on his bed. I immediately started to shake. I was sitting on his bed. Alone. “So, do you like me or not?”

I was stunned by the sudden question, the abrupt change of subject. I stammered out, “Uh, yeah, I guess so.”

“Guess so?”

“Just…you know…” I looked away, unable to answer the question. It was too embarrassing.

He touched my cheek with a finger and ran it down my jaw. “Soft.”

I laughed a little too bitterly. “Can’t start testosterone yet.” It was out before I could stop it. Normally, I didn’t like discussing my transition with most people.

“Oh, wow. So…you really are trans.”

I looked back at him. “Yeah.” I wondered what he meant.

“Sorry, I haven’t ever met anyone who was. I mean, like, really met them.”

“Does it bother you?”

“No.”

He would never know the relief that flooded my body when he said that one word. His finger trailed to my bottom lip, brushing it lightly. I closed my eyes and tried not to faint. I could feel all the blood in my body, rushing through my veins, and I was aware of all of my skin. My binder was tight and itchy.

“I never thought I’d, you know. Be attracted to someone who was.”

I opened my eyes again and stared at him, letting him see the offense on my face. “Why? Because we’re freaks?”

He snatched his hand back. “No. That’s not what I meant. Just…I don’t know.” He slumped and looked away guiltily. “Maybe.”

Disappointment replaced the relief. But I wasn’t surprised. “I know. You’ve only seen us on TV or in tabloids. We’re not all like that. We’re real people. I’m lucky. I came out at a young age. I won’t go through full puberty until I’m ready, until I’m sure I want to be a man.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. But they’re still going to make me wait. My parents and my doctors. I might be able to go on testosterone at sixteen if my parents agree to it. But they won’t.”

“I thought you said they were cool.”

“Yeah, mostly. My dad is resisting. He’s coming around, but I think he’ll make me wait until I’m eighteen.” I still wasn’t sure why I was telling him this. He didn’t need to know it, but for some reason, I wanted him to.

“That’s terrible.”

“Yeah.”

I’d also have to wait even longer for top surgery—for getting my chest flattened. Most doctors wouldn’t even discuss it until after a year of being on hormones, and I had to turn eighteen before they’d consider permanent changes anyway. That meant, at the earliest, I could have my surgery at nineteen, and it seemed like such a long time from now. It felt unattainable. Five more years of crushing my ribs with a binder. Five more years of not being as physically active as I wanted to be—namely in swimming—because I couldn’t be on a boys’ team if I had breasts. And even if they let me…what would be the point? I couldn’t compete with boys my age, not now anyway. Maybe if I’d been training harder, started earlier. But without testosterone, I didn’t have the upper body power. I could still do it, if I found a team willing to take me, but it would be such an uphill battle I wasn’t sure it would be worth it.

I suppose Gavin didn’t have anything else to say to that, which was probably a good thing. Because Ryan came in then, banging the door open so hard it made us both jump. We scooted away from each other a little guiltily.

Ryan caught the movement. He sneered at us. “Just what are you queers doing?”

“Go away,” said Gavin.

Ryan raised an eyebrow. “Oh? You’re going to talk to me like that? After what I told you before? Did you forget?”

Gavin stiffened but didn’t say anything.

Ryan was staring him down, and Gavin was the first to look away. “That’s what I thought.” Ryan turned his back and got into his bunk, chuckling maliciously to himself.

I didn’t know what was going on, or what Ryan meant, but Gavin had pulled away, withdrawing into himself. He wouldn’t look at me. I took the hint, got up, and climbed into my own bed. It felt cowardly, slinking away back to my own bunk, leaving Gavin alone below. But I was acutely aware of every move he made.

There was nothing to do but wait. Lunch had been postponed until Alex could be found, and everyone was rushing around getting to their cabins. With great relief, though, Wade came in only a few minutes later with a chastened-looking Alex in tow. I sat up in my bed, hopped off, and nearly jumped the two steps to get to Alex.

“You’re okay!” I said, maybe a bit too enthusiastically.

He looked at me and said nothing. He just stood there and stared at me.

“Alex?”

Wade was watching us and then said, “Alex just returned to camp on his own. He’s been here the whole time.”

“Leave me alone,” Alex said before I could get a word out. He pushed past me and went to his bed.

I didn’t even have time to think about it before Wade hustled us out for lunch. Alex never looked at us. Gavin and I stood together, but didn’t touch, as we waited for everyone to line up.

Why had Alex left? Was it because of Gavin and me?

He…he couldn’t like Gavin, could he? Or me? I didn’t want to think it was me, because having two guys like me at the same time was a situation that was too bizarre to be real. Of course, it would be fantastic, but I was sure he liked Gavin, not me.

Alex didn’t sit with us at lunch, but no one else seemed to notice anything was amiss. Only Gavin and I kept glancing at him once in a while. Maybe it was in hopes that he’d be looking at us, maybe so we could show him we still wanted to be friends.

Ella’s cabin once again got the Clean Cabin Award, disappointing Gavin and me. We’d been working so hard!

Alex continued to ignore us as we finished up the meal.

After lunch, we went to sign up for our activities. There were the usual ones, but a new one caught my eye. There was space for only six people. On the paper, the actual activity name wasn’t listed. Instead were the words, “Something Special. Bring a mattress.”

Nothing else appealed, but what could we possibly need a mattress for? The possibilities didn’t seem innocent to me, but maybe that was a failure of imagination.

I signed up for it, and so did Gavin and Ella.

We separated for Quiet Time. Alex ignored us still as we came in, turning his back as I came near. I wanted to talk to him, but he clearly didn’t want to talk. So I left him alone, but I felt so bad inside. What had I done? I tried not to feel guilty for being chosen by Gavin. I couldn’t be ashamed of that, could I? But I was, strangely.

I didn’t sleep that hour, but instead lay staring at the ceiling and worrying. Had we done something to offend Alex? Had we hurt his feelings? Could he really like one of us and was now jealous or angry that we seemed to be together? Had anyone else done anything to him?

Maybe Wade knew? He saw Alex when he came back, heard him say to stay away from him. Maybe he knew why?

It made me feel terrible that I had potentially said or done something to offend him. I tried my best to get along with everyone, though I knew I failed often.

There wasn’t anything I could do about it right then. I’d have to see if I could try to get Alex to talk later.

When Quiet Time was over, Gavin and I dragged our mattresses off of our beds and pulled them into Lincoln Lodge.

To no one’s surprise, it was Lars who was presiding over the unusual and mysterious activity. Ella arrived soon after with her own mattress, and Lars directed us to arrange them in lines. Three other campers came in and joined us, their faces showing their curiosity.

I was in the middle, between Ella and Gavin. Lars directed us to move our mattresses farther apart, which we did, though reluctantly. I think we all wanted to be close together for whatever he had planned.

“Okay,” he said, his voice soft and his eyes staring off into the distance. Was he on something or was it just the way he was? He’d snapped out of it quickly, though, when he’d thought Alex was lost. It was probably the way he was. “Today, we’re going to learn some interesting meditation techniques.”

Well, that was disappointing. Meditation? Why would I want to learn that?

“Everyone get on your mattresses and lie down,” he commanded, and we complied. Gavin and I shared exasperated looks.

“Now close your eyes and relax.”

I did, but I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to relax. This was so ridiculous.

“Feel yourself sinking into the mattress. You’ve gotten very heavy.”

His voice had started in a drone, and it was more annoying than relaxing.

“Sink deep into your mattress. Imagine yourself actually sinking down into the ground below—you’ve gotten so heavy.”

I had to bite my lip to keep from giggling. This was so silly, and I felt ridiculous there, spread out over my bare mattress on the floor of Lincoln Lodge.

I startled when I felt fingers on my hand. Gavin had scooted as far as he could to one side of his mattress so he could reach out and just barely touch my arm. When I smiled at him, he grinned back and winked.

I reached out to him, and our fingers wove together. It didn’t seem so silly now.

He closed his eyes and so did I, but I couldn’t concentrate on what Lars was saying. I was too aware of the warm hand in mine, the thrill that ran through me every time I realized he liked me.

At some point, he squeezed my hand, and I opened my eyes to look at him. He mouthed something at me, but I couldn’t read his lips. I shook my head and looked at him quizzically. He waved a hand and looked away again.

Lars droned on for an hour, and I think most of us just dozed, continuing our naps from Quiet Time. I couldn’t sleep really, but I think I did nod off a few times, only to snap awake again when I felt Gavin move.

Eventually, Lars said, “And now, come back into your bodies, rise back into them. Feel yourself returning to your body.”

I heard Gavin mutter, “Something is rising.”

I couldn’t help it, I snorted with laughter, quickly covering my mouth to stifle it.

Lars went on as though he hadn’t heard us. “When you are ready, start wiggling your fingers and toes. Slowly start moving your limbs. Open your eyes. Again, only when you are ready, sit up.”

Gavin and I sat up, having been ready since we started. We let go of each other’s hands reluctantly.

Ella, though, was still flat on her mattress, wiggling her fingers. She blinked and opened her eyes, stretched, and sat up slowly. “That was wonderful!”

We laughed, and she frowned. “What’s so funny?” She looked at the two of us and said, “Oh, you two. You didn’t do it, did you?”

“Nah,” Gavin said, and I shook my head.

Ella swatted at us both playfully. She wandered over to Lars to thank him, while Gavin leaned into me.

“What I said was, why don’t we meet up in cabin one later?” He whispered it in my ear, but I still heard the promise in his words.

I froze and inhaled sharply. Cabin one, the empty cabin. The one where no one was allowed while it wasn’t being used. I knew why Gavin would want to meet there. I’d heard the tittering of others about kids meeting up there.

“Can we get in there?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I don’t know,” I said, hesitating. Was I ready for this? Going alone to someplace deserted with a boy?

“Come on,” he whispered.

I didn’t say anything, not sure I was ready for that yet. Whatever “that” was going to be, I didn’t want to think about it. I hadn’t ever considered it could be a possibility.

Ella joined us then, saving me from having to answer. “That was wonderful!” she said again. “I’m glad we did it. And you two!” She looked us up and down. We were still holding hands, but I was feeling uncomfortable with it. She stepped a little closer to us and leaned in to ask quietly, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“We’ll be fine,” Gavin said.

I hoped he was right. I didn’t want us to become the focus of some bigoted kid’s crusade, with parents being “notified” of the possibility of two boys kissing. Ella had assured me there were plenty of queer kids here, but I hadn’t seen any, except us.

Gavin was going to meet some other friends, so he hugged me, grabbed up his mattress, and ran off, leaving me alone with Ella. After we replaced our own mattresses, we went into Washington Lodge to find a place to talk. The back porch there was screened in and had a nice view of the steep hill. We had it to ourselves, as the afternoon activities were just finishing up, and the others hadn’t come back yet. We settled into two deck chairs, leaning back to gaze out into the trees. Birds were flitting from branch to branch, twittering at one another.

“So? What’s going on between you two?” Ella asked, her eyes shining with excitement.

“Nothing, it’s nothing.”

“Oh come on, you were holding hands, you hugged! That’s something!”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “He wants to meet in cabin one.”

Ella’s mouth opened into a big O of surprise. “Oh, my god, Casey, that’s serious! Are you sure about that?”

“Honestly? No. I don’t even know what, exactly, he wants to do there, but I don’t think I’m ready for it, no matter what it is. I…I haven’t kissed anyone seriously yet.”

Ella knew that. She reached out and grabbed my hand to squeeze reassuringly. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“I know. I won’t. It’s just…I want to make sure he knows that.”

“If he forces you to do something you don’t want, you don’t need him, no matter how cute he is,” she said, clutching at my hand so hard it hurt.

“I know, I know. Ow.” She let go with an apologetic look. “I don’t want to get into any more trouble, I think.”

“Then tell him, Casey. He should know you’re already on thin ice.”

“Yeah, because of Ryan,” I said.

“Forget him. He’s always been a creep.”

“Gavin was friends with him.”

“Only for a while. You said so.”

I wanted to think Gavin was a nice guy—a real nice guy—but I couldn’t help but feel a little squeamish about going into a cabin we weren’t supposed to be in, to do things I wasn’t sure I was ready for yet. I didn’t want him to pressure me. I didn’t want to have to push him away like that, but if he insisted, it would be for the best anyway. It was all moving too fast for me.

We still had a long time until dinner, so I decided to take a nap, as the “meditation” session had made me sleepy for real. I hugged Ella goodbye and went back to the cabin.

I stopped short when I realized Alex was the only one there. He glanced up at me, and his face froze into a look of contempt and anger.

“Look, Alex,” I said, wanting things to be right again. He’d just started being friendly with us, and he had no other friends here. It wasn’t right.

“Save it,” he snapped.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

I went over to him, my hands awkwardly thrust into my pockets. I didn’t know what to say to him, but I didn’t want him to hate me for something I wasn’t sure I’d done. “I thought we were friends?”

“You were wrong.”

“Why?”

He looked away, his jaw working. I was just about to give up when he took a big breath and went on a tirade at me. “It’s you and Gavin! How could you like him? He’s such a creep—he and Ryan always laughing at us behind our backs. You know their parents are friends, right? They went to the same school before Gavin moved away. How could you be attracted to him? What’s wrong with you?”

I stared at him openmouthed as he finally lapsed into silence. He shook his head and stood up, but I was blocking his way. He went to push past me, but I had gathered myself up enough to stop him. I grabbed his arm. “What do you mean, they make fun of us?”

“You don’t know?”

“No, how could I? Gavin said he didn’t hang out with Ryan anymore, that they weren’t really friends.”

“He told you that? He was lying.”

I didn’t want to believe him. “How do you know this?”

“I overheard them. They were laughing about you.” He hesitated. “Ryan knows you’re trans. They were talking about how they could use it against you.”

Fear rushed through my veins, a white wash of horror and dread that made me shiver. With numb lips, I said, “I don’t believe you.”

“Doesn’t matter. Ryan wanted to tell a bunch of people. He told me, but I’d already guessed.”

“That can’t be true.” I didn’t want it to be true.

Alex slumped a little. “Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I…I don’t know why I didn’t.”

“No, it’s okay. Um…”

Should I thank him? Should I scream at him? What if he was the one who was lying? But why would he lie? Why would Gavin lie? Why had Alex been okay with being friendly with him at first, only to decide against it when he saw us holding hands?

I knew the answers, but I didn’t want to admit them.

I would have to find out myself. I would have to talk to Gavin, but I didn’t want to do that.

He had said he was meeting with other friends, and I hadn’t thought much of it. Gavin was attractive and nice, on the surface at least, so of course, he would have lots of friends. But what if those friends were Ryan and his cronies?

“Do you know where they hang out?” I asked.

“Yeah, cabin one.”

I didn’t want to believe Alex, but the coincidence of Gavin inviting me to cabin one and having his friends meet him there was worrying. Or maybe he could get access to cabin one because of Ryan?

I didn’t know what to think anymore, and it was this state of mind that sent me creeping through the woods behind the cabins toward the other end of the road. I hadn’t been back that way at all, but it wasn’t hard to follow the line of the cabins. It was too hard to do it quietly.

Cabin one was set a little farther away from the line the other cabins were in, because the mountain reared up behind it and made it impossible to place it near cabin two. It had been set forward, closer to the road, and the road itself had petered out to a Jeep trail. There was no way for me to approach it quietly in the woods, so I went ahead and got back on the road. I slowed down, looking to see if anyone was coming but didn’t see anything

I approached the cabin as quietly as I could, listening. There were voices inside, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying, or even who they were.

Creeping closer, I tried to make as little sound as possible. It was good the road was dry, and the soft dirt muffled my footfalls.

“…bring…here…” I caught just that bit, but couldn’t place the voice. I needed to see who it was, and there wasn’t an easy way to do that. Not without opening the door or climbing the hill to peer into the screen windows. But with either option, they would be able to hear me approach.

“…doesn’t…listen…tell everyone…”

Mumbling. I couldn’t hear anything anymore. Someone must have turned away or started whispering.

“…hurt him…into…trouble…”

“…her, him, whatever…”

I grimaced. They had to be talking about me. Moving a bit closer, I stepped carefully onto the first step of the cabin. I hoped it wouldn’t creak, and luckily, it didn’t. But in concentrating on not making any sound, I’d missed a few sentences. Someone else said, “Do you really like her?” And then more mumbling.

Suddenly, there was laughter, and it was cruel. I knew that laugh. It was Ryan. But who else was in there?

The doors on all of the cabins were wooden, with a screen window set into the top half. Shades could be pulled down over the screen, and this one had been lowered. It was impossible to see in—there was no gap between shade and frame. I dared to peek, but could see nothing.

“…being around me.” And then more laughter.

Finally, Ryan said as clear as day, “Bring her here, and you don’t have to watch or participate. Just get her here.”

There were footsteps. I needed to get away. They were going to come out! I panicked and ran straight into the woods.

The door flung open behind me, banging on the wall next to it.

“She’s there!” Ryan yelled, and I could hear the shouting of the others.

I didn’t look behind me to see who was coming out. I’d heard enough to know they were planning on hurting me, and that was all I needed to know. I had to get away.

Crashing through the trees, I headed straight for the rest of camp. I knew the only safe place would be with a crowd, and everyone would be getting ready for dinner soon. Branches slapped at my face, but I ignored them. Once past cabin two, I turned a sharp corner onto the road.

A couple of girls screamed as I nearly plowed into them. I threw a look behind me, and sure enough, Ryan and the other boys were pelting toward me. And behind them all was Gavin, running to catch up.

Anger swelled inside my gut like a balloon full of lava. I had trusted Gavin. I thought he really liked me. But it had all been an act, one to get me to follow him into cabin one and get beaten up. The betrayal stung, eating at my insides. What sort of person would do such a thing?

I skidded to a halt as I reached Washington Lodge, turning to face my pursuers. There was nothing they could do here, with this many people around.

“Just try it,” I challenged. I glared at Gavin, letting him see the hate in my eyes. He wouldn’t look at me, guilt written all over his face. Good, he should feel guilty, the asshole.

We stood there for a few tense moments, each staring at the other, until Ryan finally laughed and said, “Never mind, guys, we’ll just let everyone know that Casey is really a girl.”

There were enough people around that a few heard and turned to look at us.

This was it. I straightened and shook my head. “No, Ryan, you’re wrong. I’m trans. I’m not a girl.”

“Whatever. You’re still a girl. You weren’t born a boy. Freak.” There were mutters from the people around us. They weren’t friendly, but I couldn’t tell if they were angry at me or at Ryan. He didn’t seem sure, either, so he only gave me a dirty look. “Come on guys, let’s leave the sissy alone.” He turned and stalked off. Gavin went with him, the coward.

My hands had balled into fists without me realizing it. I relaxed them and ran a hand through my hair. Well, the secret was out. No sense hiding it now.