Chapter Five

I WENT BACK to the cabin where Wade was rounding everyone else up. Luckily, Ryan and his friends had stayed outside, gone off somewhere else. I told Wade what happened.

“Ryan found out I’m trans,” I said, “and announced it in front of the lodge.”

His face fell. “Oh, Casey, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?”

“Have Ryan thrown out?”

Wade’s lips pressed down into a thin line. “You know how that will go,”

“Yeah, I know. Thought I’d try anyway.”

He gripped my shoulder in sympathy, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Can…can we just make an announcement at dinner?”

He looked surprised. “Really? You want to announce it?”

“I think it will be better than the rumors that are already probably spreading.”

“You might be right. I’ll put it on the list.”

“Thanks.”

We went to meet everyone else for the walk down to dinner. Alex was there, and I went straight up to him. “Thank you. You were right. They were planning to hurt me.”

“Oh, man, really? I’m sorry.” He looked stunned. He reached out and hesitantly touched my shoulder in sympathy. “I’m sorry, Casey.”

“It’s okay. I appreciate you telling me.”

“I should have said something sooner.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m glad you did.”

We picked back up the pieces of our friendship on the way back down the mountain to the dining hall. Once there, we sat with Ella, Nick, and Lily. I leaned over and whispered furiously to Ella what had happened. Her face whitened, her mouth dropping open in surprise, until she clenched it in anger.

“What an asshole,” she hissed at me when I had finished. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Casey.”

I also told her about the announcement I was going to make. She reached over and hugged me from the side, and our heads touched. She knew how hard this was going to be for me.

I tried my best to be “stealth.” I was young and could easily pass as a young boy for the most part. But everyone at school already knew I was trans, so I wasn’t really stealth there. I’d hoped I could be here, fitting in and passing without everyone noticing, without having to tell them. And I’d succeeded, mostly. But even being stealth, I would always be trans. It always meant the possibility of discovery, of being outed. To some people, me being trans meant I would never, ever be a real boy, no matter what I said or how I looked. They were wrong. Being trans didn’t mean I wasn’t a boy.

There was always a danger to being trans, a danger that never went away. I could be stealth, but if I did something “wrong,” something too stereotypically girly, or if someone looked too closely, they might discover I was trans. My parents had not shied away from telling me of the violence and hardships some trans people encountered. They were real with me, sharing stories of trans people who’d been fired, beaten up, thrown out of their homes, had their children taken away from them, or had been murdered. It was terrifying. Some part of me hated my parents for showing me that. I was just a kid.

But it was my reality. It was what I could expect. My life wasn’t going to be happy rainbows and accepting friends all the time, unfortunately. Ryan had illustrated that clearly. I needed to be ready, prepared for what could come in the future. When I’d come out, my parents hadn’t sugarcoated it. As long as I was aware of what could happen, they would let me transition while I was still a kid.

We worked to change that. But so far, that was my reality.

Too nervous, I barely registered what I ate for dinner. The food was ashes in my mouth, dry and choking. Drinking a lot of bug juice helped wash it down, but I didn’t taste that either. It all sat in my stomach like rocks. I only ate because I had to, because everyone else was, because Ella wouldn’t leave me alone if I didn’t.

After everyone had finished eating, there were a few announcements. I didn’t hear any of them, but one of them made everyone murmur happily and clap. I’d have to check with Ella what it was later, once this was out of the way.

Wade stood then, and I knew it was time. My hands went cold and my heart was beating so hard I could feel it moving my whole body. Blood roared in my ears.

He licked his lips, looked at me, and said, “A situation has come up, and I’m sure some of you have heard the rumors. Casey has something to say.”

I stood up, shaking. “Yeah, so, it’s true, I’m trans. I’m a boy. So, please continue to treat me like a boy.”

I sat back down, hadn’t looked at anyone, hadn’t seen their faces or their expressions. I couldn’t say anything else, because my dinner was threatening a reappearance, and I wasn’t sure I could survive the shame of that.

There were some murmurs, but no one laughed. Ella clutched my hand and squeezed it. I looked over and saw Ryan, whose face was contorted into a look of rage. I didn’t want to look at Gavin, but I did anyway and noticed he was looking back at me. Our eyes met, and he was the first one to look away.

He was still sitting with Ryan. Traitor. Liar.

We were dismissed for Canteen, and I’d never gotten up the mountain faster. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t even want a soda. I just wanted to be left alone—even left Ella behind, knowing she would understand.

The door to the cabin banged shut behind me, and I didn’t even bother to turn the light on, just went to my bunk and got into bed. Sleep wasn’t going to be possible, but I couldn’t face anyone else.

I’d wanted so badly to pass, to be stealth, to not make this whole thing about me being trans. I wanted to live life like any other boy. It infuriated me that people like Ryan made being trans so hard, so dangerous. It didn’t have to be. I could be like any other boy in just about every single way. It didn’t matter what parts I did or didn’t have. Our body parts didn’t make us who we were. Why couldn’t people treat others how they wanted to be perceived? Why was it such an issue with some people?

A while later, the door opened, creaking on its hinges. “Casey?”

I didn’t respond, not sure who it was, and I didn’t care.

“Oh, you are there.” The light came on, and I blinked in the sudden brightness. It was Alex. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

He walked over to my bunk, looking up at me. “Are you sure? Don’t you want to have a soda?”

“Not really. I’m fine.”

Alex hesitated. “Look, man, I know you’re going through a lot. I was, too. You helped me, and now I’m gonna help you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You talked to me. You were nice to me. You didn’t have to be.”

“Why wouldn’t I have been?”

“Because I’m gay.”

“You might have noticed, but I’m pretty bisexual,” I said.

“Yeah, and that’s cool.”

“But I just had to out myself to the whole camp, and I didn’t want to ever have to do that.”

“I know. I know what it’s like. Not to be able to be just a regular person. Me being gay means it’s what most people think of when they talk to me. It can’t be that I like games, or that I can play guitar, or anything else. It’s that I’m gay.”

I sat up. “Yeah. People always want to talk to me about being trans. It’s annoying. I mean, it’s like constantly asking someone to talk about one small aspect of their life and never being interested in anything else.”

He smiled and nodded. “Exactly. So…do you want to talk about something else then?”

I had to laugh at that. He was right. I was letting this get to me. I was the one making everything be about me being trans. It had been fun just being a boy at camp. I could still do that—be like any other boy, show people I was like any other boy.

I hated being the person to do that for everyone else. They should accept that I was a boy and treat me like one. But maybe by knowing me, they’d treat the next trans person they met like anyone else: a full, whole, complete person.

I hopped off of my bunk and followed Alex out into the twilight. Ella joined us shortly after. I got myself a soda, but they had only grape left. That was okay, but it wasn’t great.

The whole time, no one said anything to me about being trans. No one came up to me and said anything weird. I got a few smiles, a few nods, and a couple blank stares. But nothing else was said.

It made me feel a lot better.

 

OVER THE NEXT few days, everything went back to normal. If anyone other than Ryan had a problem with me being trans, no one said anything about it. More importantly, no one said anything to me about it. People were a little more polite, even those people I didn’t know, but other than that, no one changed how they treated me.

In all honesty, it was a relief. I no longer ran to the bathroom to change. I just took off my pajamas, put on my binder, and then got dressed like everyone else. I still showered at night, because I didn’t want to be accused of letting boys ogle me while I was naked, and I felt more comfortable that way anyway. My chest gave me such bad dysphoria that I wanted to be naked in front of others as little as possible.

Not believing my luck, I certainly didn’t squander it, and went right back into having fun at camp like any other boy. I forgot about romance, forgot about Gavin. Of course, I still had to share the cabin with him and Ryan, and the other boys, but they left me strictly alone. It didn’t matter to me that Gavin looked sullen and stopped hanging out with anyone. I’d often see him sitting alone, far away from everyone else. It served him right.

I hadn’t come to camp to date. I had come to have fun, and that was exactly what I did. Not even Ryan loudly talking about how weird I was could dampen my day. No one was listening to him anyway, and I got special pleasure from seeing him being ignored by all the other kids. They might not be defending me, but they certainly weren’t listening to him.

I signed up for the special overnight camping trip at the very top of the mountain. It was to be a daylong hike and an overnight stay. Alex and I wanted to go for it, but Ella—and Ryan—did not.

I had fun organizing my things to fit into a real backpack—those special ones with frames for carrying big loads—and tying my sleeping bag to it. We ate trail mix on the hike and cooked stew over the fire when we got there. We slept under the open sky, watching the stars wheeling above us with a clarity I’d never seen before. And I wondered at the Milky Way, spilled across the heavens, like a glass of milk poured across black. It was beautiful.

The next morning, we detoured to a waterfall that cascaded over several different levels and ended in a pool so cold no one could stand being in it long. But it was deep enough to jump into, and Alex and I watched from the edge as a couple of kids leaped in from one of the upper levels. We sat by the pool, taking in the beauty of the woods, the moss-covered rocks, and the white spray of the water as it fell over the lips of stone.

We also got first dibs on showers when we got back, which was a luxury.

Excitement was growing for the end of the session, which was packed with interesting activities. After the camping trip, there was the talent show, which was what everyone had been so excited about before I announced I was trans. Then there was some mysterious activity that the counselors were all excited about. And finally, there was the dance.

Already, people were pairing off, asking one another to the dance. I, of course, asked Ella again, formally, and she agreed to go with me as friends. She was excited about it, but I wasn’t really. It was just a dance, and they were always a little boring in my experience. Especially here, where there was no chance of kissing anyone.

I was taken aback when a few of the girls shyly came up to me and asked if I wanted to go with them. I politely declined and told them I was already going with my best friend. I was flattered, but I just didn’t want to get involved.

There was another pool party, and I was kind of sad I hadn’t brought anything to swim in. So, instead of lamenting about it, I put on a shirt I didn’t care about much, took off my binder, and jumped in. I didn’t care, for once, that people could see my chest in outline. It had been so long since I’d gone swimming, other than just in my parents’ pool, that it didn’t bother me. Afterward, Ella and I chased the fireflies and sat by the fire to warm up. I roasted enormous molten marshmallows for her until everyone saw what I was doing and tried to copy me. Only a few people were able to roast them right. Most ended up setting fire to their marshmallows. I ate Ella’s share of the chocolate, as well as mine.

By the time we started into the second week, I was thoroughly enjoying myself and couldn’t believe there were only a few days left.

At breakfast one morning, Ella turned to me. “So are you going to do anything at the talent show?”

“Nah. You know I don’t have any talents.”

“Except roasting marshmallows,” cut in Alex, who hadn’t been able to successfully roast a single one. He kept getting impatient and got his too close the flames, lighting the marshmallow on fire.

I laughed. “Well, can’t really do that on stage, can I?”

Ella leaned past me to stage-whisper to Alex, “Don’t believe him, he’s got a great singing voice.”

“I do not!”

She gave me a look, one of those what-do-you-know looks. “You’re just self-conscious about it.”

“Well, yes.”

“I play guitar, you know,” Alex said. “We could always duet.”

I stared at him, shocked that he’d suggest it.

“Oh, that would be wonderful!” Ella crowed. “You have to do it now. Come on, Casey!” She reached out and shook me a little.

“Okay, I guess.” I was secretly pleased, though. I did like to sing, even if I wasn’t fantastic at it.

In our free time, Alex and I got together to plan what we were going to do for the talent show. He didn’t have his guitar with him, but Lars had a couple, and he let us borrow one of them under his watchful eye.

Unfortunately, Alex and I had widely varying tastes in music. But we managed to settle on a popular song we both knew, one that had been everywhere, so it was hard not to have heard it.

We practiced in between rounds of Greek dodgeball—which was a lot more fun when Ryan wasn’t playing—nature hikes, and meals. Alex was actually pretty good at guitar, if a little bit slow at changing chords. We struggled at first and then picked up steam until we weren’t too bad. I kind of hated my high-pitched voice, but since everyone now knew I was trans, it didn’t matter so much.

The day before the talent show, we were given permission to use the back room of Washington Lodge to practice during Canteen.

“No, that chord is still wrong,” Alex muttered to himself. He fingered it a few times, and then, satisfied he had it, we tried again.

“I think it’s coming along,” I said. “Are you ready?”

He hesitated for a moment, sliding his hand up and down the guitar neck. “Yeah.” He looked back up at me. “I think so.”

“Good. I think we’ll do well.”

We relaxed and finished off our sodas—I was still drinking grape soda since cabin eight hadn’t yet won a Clean Cabin Award—before heading back to find Lars.

On our way out, Gavin stumbled into the room. He took one look at us, froze, reddened, and turned around, leaving quickly.

Alex and I shared a look.

“What a jerk,” I said.

Alex shrugged. “I think he really does like you.”

“Are you serious? You think I should get with him? After all that?”

“No!” Alex shook his head vehemently. “No way. He’s a jerk. But I think he is gay, or bisexual. At least, no one’s seen him with a girl.”

“Doesn’t mean much.” I preferred boys, but I was still bisexual. “You think Ryan knows he’s gay or whatever?”

“Probably. I mean, they were trying to get you into cabin one. They were using Gavin to bring you. Everyone saw you together, and people talk.”

I felt sick at the thought.

“I don’t know why they’re still friends,” I said. But I didn’t care that much. If Gavin wanted to be friends with a homophobic wart like Ryan, that was his business. “Whatever.”

We found Lars and gave him back his guitar. It was nearly bedtime, and both of us were tired. We sought out Ella, said goodnight, and went back to our cabin.

As I lay in my bunk, I thought about the talent show the next night. I was nervous, but I think we had a good shot. If we won, we’d be exempt from all the chores around camp, and we’d get pizza. I think I was more excited about the exemption, though Wade had relented on giving Ryan and me extra chores after I came out. That had been a relief, but we still hadn’t won the Clean Cabin Award. Wade was inconsolable. I mean, we weren’t slobs, but I guess the other cabins were just doing that much better than us. It was disappointing.

Nerves kept me awake for a while, but so did the thought that Gavin still liked me. I turned over. I didn’t want him. He was a jerk. He hung out with Ryan, though admittedly I hadn’t seen them together in a long time. Not since my coming out.

I told myself people did not change. Not unless they wanted it. Mom had drilled that into my head when I started even thinking about dating. She’d had an abusive husband before she met my dad. That bastard had nearly killed her, but she’d stayed with him anyway, thinking and hoping he could change.

She managed to finally leave him in the end, but she made sure I knew it wasn’t worth staying with a jerk just because you loved him.

I didn’t love Gavin. I’d just crushed on him. That made me angry, which made it harder to sleep. He’d lied to me about still being friends with Ryan, about being okay with me being trans, and he had tried to lure me into cabin one to get me beaten up. What kind of person does that?

Sleep finally did come, but not good sleep. I dreamed a lot about Gavin, which woke me up a few times during the night. Why was I dreaming about him? He was off-limits. I reminded myself he wasn’t going to change. I couldn’t make him, and holding out hope would only bring pain and heartache later. But it was hard to believe when he was sleeping just underneath me. If I dared peer down over the edge of the bunk, I would see his face in the moonlight. His brow would be creased while he slept, his pale lashes on his freckled cheeks.

I rolled over again and tried to sleep, trying to think of other things than Gavin’s eyelashes.