Chapter Seven

THE TALENT SHOW was after dinner, during Canteen. I had nothing to wear, because I hadn’t anticipated performing or doing anything where I’d need a costume or fancy clothes.

Alex did have a nice jacket and a pair of nice jeans but didn’t have any spares. Plus, he was a lot taller than me. I would never have fit into anything of his.

I had T-shirts and shorts, and my one pair of jeans were kind of faded. They would have to do, as well as my nicest T-shirt. I only hoped I wouldn’t look like a total loser up on the stage.

I was so nervous I had a hard time getting my binder back on after having removed it for dodgeball and a shower. My fingers kept shaking and slipping on the fabric, and I almost punched myself in the face once. But I wrestled myself back into it at last and managed to get dressed.

I didn’t talk much during dinner, which had Ella worried. I could see it in her face. And I barely ate, even though both she and Alex tried to feed me. It was all I could do to choke down a butt bun, but that was all. And after drinking too much bug juice, I had to go to the bathroom again.

We were going to the theater right after dinner, and as we trooped out of the dining hall, Lars caught up to us. He wore a flowered muumuu with his hiking boots, and was sporting pink lipstick and eyeliner. He handed Alex the guitar, ignoring the snickers from Ryan and his friends, and then hurried off to lead the procession of kids.

“Those guys are such jerks,” Alex said, shaking his head. “I think Lars looks great.”

“Yeah,” I said.

While I couldn’t agree with the “great,” I did think it was good that Lars was wearing whatever he wanted. But the muumuu was too much. I thought he looked silly in it, but it was his body, not mine. He could do what he wanted with it.

We arrived at the theater and were allowed into the dressing room to wait for the show. I was nervous because they hadn’t given us time to rehearse in the space. It was small, though, with a tiny stage at one end. There weren’t even any real chairs. Most of the kids would be sitting on the floor, though there were a few scattered couches, school-type desk and chair combinations, and a few rickety old seats of the kind where you could peel the metal off in strips from the legs. At least there was actual lighting in the place, though I didn’t have any stage makeup to wear. I didn’t think the lights would be turned up enough to matter, and it wasn’t a big show anyway.

Alex and I sat, fretting, in the green room while we waited for everyone to arrive.

Lars came back with cans of sodas for us. “Once you’re done, you can sit in the audience,” he said as he handed me the can. “You should make sure to watch the show and support the other participants.”

“Thanks,” I said, meaning it. That was a good idea. Maybe it was because I was doing it, but it took a lot of guts to get up in front of a bunch of other kids and perform. I was so nervous I couldn’t taste the soda, even though it was one of my favorites.

I realized then I didn’t even know who had won the Clean Cabin Award. I’d been too preoccupied to pay much attention to anything else. It likely wasn’t us, or Wade would have said something. I guessed we got sodas first because we were performing, and everyone else would have to wait their turn as usual.

I wished I could see Ella before I performed, but I knew she was still mad at me. I was still kind of mad at her, too. But we never stayed angry with each other long, and this wasn’t that big of a deal. At least I kept telling myself it wasn’t.

I probably wouldn’t ever see Gavin again after camp, so who cared if he liked me? Who cared what the truth was? In a few days, it wouldn’t matter. I kept telling myself that, too.

We were on third, as Lars informed us, which was a huge relief. I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. I didn’t like the queasy feeling that had settled in my stomach, and the soda wasn’t helping it.

I finished my soda without even realizing I’d been drinking it. I hoped I wouldn’t belch on stage while I was singing. That was a lot of soda in a short amount of time. Oops…

Lars wandered back and told us we’d start in five minutes. When he opened the door, we could hear the crowd. The other performers had arrived, and the volume inside the dressing room had risen. Excitement was in the air, but all I could think about was how nervous I was.

And about Gavin.

I couldn’t do this.

I suddenly didn’t want to go on stage and have him watch me sing. He’d be in the audience, of course. I wanted to back out, but Alex had been working so hard. I couldn’t disappoint him. And Ella. She tried so hard to be supportive of me singing, because she knew how hard it was for me to do it.

Before I knew it, it was our turn. I was shaking, but I didn’t have time to think about anything anymore. Lars hustled us up to the stage, and suddenly we were under the bright lights. I blinked under their glare, the audience all but invisible to me. But I could see and hear Ella cheering, sitting as close to the stage as she could get.

Alex started playing and I started singing. We didn’t have microphones, but the acoustics in the tiny theater were surprisingly good. We didn’t need them.

Alex did a wonderful job, and before I knew it, I was smiling and having fun. I belted out the lyrics, getting into it. I loved music, loved singing, and I was doing it in front of everyone who knew I was trans. I forgot all about my insecurities about my voice. My binder didn’t seem to hinder me at all. On that stage, I was just a boy singing a song about a girl, and having the time of my life. Everyone was clapping along, and the few people I could see were mouthing the lyrics along with me.

I held the last note as long as I could, the sound of Alex’s guitar ringing in harmony, and then we were drowned out by thunderous applause. It kind of startled me, and I had to look back at Alex—who looked just as a stunned—to check if it was real. But it was. Ella had leapt to her feet, screaming my name and laughing her head off, and everyone else was clapping so hard.

I grabbed Alex’s hand, and we took a bow together and then hurried off of the stage. The audience was still clapping; I couldn’t believe it.

Lars was clapping too, smiling at us like he was our proud dad. “Great job, you guys! That was your best one!”

“Thanks!” we said together, in unison, and then shared a laugh. Alex and I hugged after Lars had taken his guitar back and headed to the stage to announce the next act.

“That was fantastic!” Alex told me.

“You were!”

“No, I mean you—you were really great.”

“And so were you!” I didn’t know how to take the compliment, so I gave him one in return.

We glowed at each other a little bit, hugged again, and went back to the dressing room to relax. The other kids politely asked us how it went, but I knew they’d heard the applause we’d received. We might just win this show, and they knew it.

My heart swelled in my chest. It would be perfect to win. It would be exactly what I needed. But I told myself firmly I didn’t have to win to have had a good time, that winning wasn’t everything. We hadn’t seen the rest of the show, and it was entirely possible someone else would blow us out of the water.

But I hoped that didn’t happen.

Alex and I got some water and then left the dressing room to go sit and be the audience for the rest of the show. Ella snuck back to join us in the rear of the theater. She crushed me in a hug, and when the next act was being announced, she whispered, “I am so proud of you both! That was amazing! You’ll definitely win.”

I couldn’t thank her properly because of the next act coming on, but I was feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe I could still sing. I’d have to see what testosterone did to my voice once I started taking it, but I was more hopeful now. And I was happy Ella was speaking to me again. I was still a little mad at her for defending Gavin, but I couldn’t live without her.

We watched the next few acts, recognizing each from backstage. Most of them were singers, belting along to recorded rather than live music. I felt grateful to Alex for being there with me, for being pretty awesome on the guitar.

At the end of the show, Lars came out onto the stage. But he didn’t ask for us to come back up. Instead, he said, “We have one last act for you! They signed up late, but we decided to go ahead and let them perform. Please, everyone welcome Gavin!”

Oh. I clapped politely as he came onto the stage, his red hair shining under the lights. He looked genuinely frightened to be there, squinting against the glare and searching the audience.

In a clear voice, though it shook noticeably, he said, “This one is for someone special. He’ll know who it is.”

There was some murmuring and titters at the pronoun. I froze. Ella was staring at me; I could feel the weight of her gaze on my skin like a blanket. Alex’s hand was on my shoulder.

In a high, clear voice, Gavin started singing a popular love song. He wasn’t that great, but he also wasn’t the worst we’d seen that night. And he was singing a cappella. There was nowhere for his voice to hide. I tried to focus on that and not on my embarrassment.

The song was about a love lost and regained, and as he sang, he scanned the audience, sweeping his gaze back and forth. I knew he couldn’t see back this far into the audience because of the glare of the lights, and I was glad. He was looking for me.

My feelings tore at my insides. I wanted to disappear and never show my face again. I wanted to run up and hug him. I wanted to run away and never look back.

But I couldn’t feel all those things at once, so I just sat staring at him as he sang his heart out, and let each emotion wash over me. Something was glimmering on his face, and with a start, I realized it was tears. He was singing about getting his love back, sorry for everything he’d done— Won’t you please take me back?

I put my head into my elbows, resting them on my knees, and stared at the floor. My face was hot, and I was too mortified to look at him. And angry.

Did he think singing me a song, in public like this, was going to magically make me fall in love with him?

Ella was shaking me, and I looked up to see that he’d finished, and he was standing there uncertainly as everyone clapped for him. I hastily clapped, not really wanting to, but not wanting to be a jerk who didn’t clap for someone. He’d done a decent job and deserved the recognition.

He staggered off the stage, and Lars came out again. “All right, let’s get all of our contestants back up on stage!”

Alex and I went up together, weaving our way through the crowd. Everyone was applauding again, so Lars had to calm them down enough to be heard.

He went down the line, holding his hand over our heads and calling out our names, while the audience applauded for who they liked best.

When he got to Alex and me, the applause was definitely the loudest. Ella was screaming. I could hear her in the back, and it made me smile. They were still clapping as Lars tried to move on, and I couldn’t believe it. I thought we’d won.

But Lars still went down the line. The other contestants all got polite applause at least, but many of them got more than that. Alex and I still had the loudest, though. It was easy to tell.

I clapped for Gavin as Lars got to him, even if it made me feel all weird inside—guilty and proud all rolled into one.

“All right!” Lars said. “I think we know who the winner is!” He came back over to us and shook my hand and then Alex’s. “Casey and Alex! Congratulations you guys!”

There was a lot of applause then, people cheering for us, being happy for us. I caught sight of Gavin with a big grin on his face as I hugged Alex. His smile made him look even better, and I hated myself a little for thinking that.

People were slapping us on our backs and hugging us. I tried to keep myself away from Gavin, but he cornered me at one point. He only shook my hand and said, “You were amazing. Both of you.” And then he left. I stared after him, shocked and disappointed that he’d gone so abruptly. He hadn’t even mentioned his song to me.

Had it been for me?

What a ridiculous thought. Why was I doing this to myself?

Wade and Lars rounded everyone up soon after that, hustling us out of the theater. It was past our usual lights-out time, which made the show seem that much more enjoyable. We weren’t technically breaking the rules, but it felt that way.

The walk back up the mountain was filled with laughter and shrieking in the dark. Ella and I walked hand in hand.

“I’m so proud of you,” she told me. “See? I told you; you can sing.”

“I know, I know. I’m just self-conscious about my voice.”

“I know you are, and you shouldn’t be.”

“But it should be dropping by now.”

It wouldn’t though, not until I got on testosterone. The familiar feeling of disappointment and need warred within me. I wished my parents would relent on allowing me to get on hormone replacement therapy. I wanted to grow up into a boy. It was true, my implant would keep me from going further into puberty the way a girl would, but I wanted to go through it as a boy, with everyone else.

Ella’s arm snaked around my shoulders, and she shook me gently. “Don’t do that. Don’t get all melancholy now.”

“I can’t help it. It takes up so much of my life, of my…brain space.”

“I know. I’m sorry, Casey. But enjoy this, okay? Or try to?”

She was right. I needed to enjoy the good things, or I’d drive myself into another panic attack. Trying not to think about it, I changed the subject and brought Alex into it.

“So, thinking of continuing with the guitar?” I asked him.

He laughed a little. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Do you think you can? I mean, really get somewhere with it?”

“I hope so.”

Ella said, “You were wonderful, Alex. I don’t see why not?”

“I’m just not sure I can afford it,” he said. “Lessons are expensive. My family doesn’t want to pay for them—” he dropped his voice “—because they’re a waste of time and money, better spent elsewhere.” He rolled his eyes, a long-suffering expression on his face. He must have heard that a lot from his father.

“I’m so sorry, Alex,” Ella said. “I wish more people valued the arts. They’re so important.”

I poked Ella. “Don’t get started on your soapbox. Alex is the choir, right?”

She laughed self-consciously, rubbing at the spot where I’d poked her. “Yeah, you’re right. I know. But they’re important, right? I mean, we need art.”

“Of course we do,” I said, nudging Alex with an elbow. He grinned at us, and Ella sighed.

We finally reached the top of the mountain, and Ella bid us goodnight. We followed Wade back to the cabin, but I realized I needed to use the bathroom again before going to bed. I ran back to the latrines.

I didn’t even think about it, just crashed the door open.

There was Gavin, surrounded by his old friends. I scowled before I realized something was very wrong.

Ryan had Gavin by the shirt, his arm pulled back and his hand in a fist. It looked like he was drawing back to punch Gavin. Gavin was trying to pry Ryan’s fingers off of him, but he wasn’t succeeding. They all turned to stare at me, freezing me in my tracks. All I could see was the fear in Gavin’s eyes. Real fear.

“Get her!” Ryan shouted.

I turned and ran, adrenaline making me swift.

They thundered behind me, but I was faster and smaller.

I hit the nearest cabin door, not caring whose it was, and started banging on it, yelling, “Help!” Frightened voices erupted from within, but I didn’t stop. I ran on to the next cabin, banging on the walls as I passed.

Soon, I’d roused half the camp, kids and counselors spilling out of the cabins in their pajamas. I ran until I got to Wade, who was storming out of our cabin.

“What is the meaning of this?” he demanded.

I pointed to where Gavin had come out of the bathrooms, pointing and yelling that Ryan had assaulted him there.

Meanwhile, Ryan and his friends had been caught trying to run away. Angela, whose cabin I’d first encountered, had a heavy hand on Ryan’s shoulder. Another counselor had grabbed the other boys.

“What’s going on?” Wade demanded again.

I was out of breath, but I gasped out, “I went to the bathroom and found Ryan and his friends trying to hurt Gavin.”

Gavin pushed forward and said, “They did hurt me.” He pulled up his shirt, exposing a pale belly devoid of freckles and a huge developing bruise on his chest.

Wade’s eyes widened. He grabbed both of our shoulders and steered us toward Angela. Ryan’s face held fear and anger, one emotion chasing the other across it.

Ella thrust through the crowd, pointing her finger accusingly at Ryan. “And he won’t leave me alone! He’s been harassing me!”

We all turned as she blurted it out. But then she faced me. “I didn’t tell you before.”

“He was still asking you out, even after you told him to stop?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry, Ella.”

Wade had been watching with growing anger showing on his face. “Come with me,” he said, and Angela made sure the other boys followed him. He flicked on a flashlight as all of us—Ryan and his friends, Angela, Wade, Ella, Gavin, and me—went right back down the mountain.

No one said anything the entire time. We could all hear the nighttime sounds of the forest, the sleepy tweets of the birds and the singing of the crickets. The only other sound was us tripping over rocks in the dark. It was awkward and scary walking in the night with only one flashlight. I didn’t know where we were going.

I couldn’t really see Gavin, but I could feel his gaze on me.

All I could think about was seeing the terror in his eyes as Ryan held him, his fist poised to hit him again. That, and the implications of it.

We got down to the field, but instead of continuing on, Wade steered us to the nurse’s house. He knocked politely on the door, and it was quickly opened. The elderly nurse answered, flustered at the late-night interruption. Her hair was coming out of its tight bun in white wisps.

“What on earth is going on?” she asked. “Is anyone hurt?” Her eyes flicked to each of our faces, seeming to gauge for pain.

“I want you to check Gavin,” Wade said, hustling us inside past her. “He’s hurt.”

“I’m fine,” Gavin protested, but the nurse crooked her finger and made him follow.

“I need to use your phone,” Wade called after her, and she waved her permission before disappearing with Gavin.

Wade and Angela pulled us all into the nurse’s living room, and Wade said, “Sit.” We did as we were told, scattering to the couch, a winged armchair, and the floor.

The counselors decided Angela would stay with us and make sure we didn’t cause any more trouble. Wade made the call, but as the phone was in a different room, we had no idea what he said, or who he was calling. I could guess, though. It was too good to be true, so I didn’t want to say it and spoil it. But I was hoping Ryan’s parents would finally have to come and pick him up, throwing him out of camp for good. Or at least for the little we had left.

We all sat in uncomfortable silence, trying not to look at one another. Ryan’s body was hunched, his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes burning holes into the floor. I could see his jaw grinding as he muttered to himself. His friends looked more worried than angry, flicking significant glances at each other. I wondered if they were going to set Ryan up for the bigger fall.

After a few minutes, the nurse brought Gavin into the living room. He was holding an ice pack wrapped in a towel to his chest but seemed fine otherwise. I felt my heart lurch in relief.

Without looking at anyone, Gavin sat down as far from everyone as he could.

I was getting sleepy, despite all the excitement. It had been a long day, and a lot had happened. But I couldn’t sleep now, so I kept pinching myself to stay awake.

But then Ella stood up, glaring at Ryan. “I just want you to know, Ryan, that I’m not a freak. That there’s nothing wrong with me.”

He twisted his face up and opened his mouth to say something, but she interrupted him. “I’m asexual. I don’t want to date. I especially don’t want to date you.”

“Then you are a freak,” he blurted out, spit flying from his mouth.

“I am not!”

I wanted to stand up and defend my friend, but this was her fight. She’d been so worried about being asexual and how she might be broken. If she’d finally worked it out that she was perfect just the way she was, then she could defend herself.

“There’s nothing wrong with being ace,” she said. “I like it. I like just being friends with people. If you can’t understand it, that’s your problem.”

Ryan snorted but wouldn’t look at her, shaking his head.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Ella continued. “And you’re not so special. You’re just a bully with low self-esteem. You have no real friends, not like me.” Ella grabbed my hand, squeezing it so hard it brought tears to my eyes. But I wasn’t going to make her let go.

“Fuck you—”

“Enough!” Angela covered up whatever insult he was about to hurl at Ella. “Ryan, don’t you dare use that language here. Ella, please sit down. It’s inexcusable that Ryan has been bothering you.”

“Bothering?” Ella scoffed. “He’s been harassing me. I’ll be filing a complaint.”

Ryan’s leg started jiggling, and he was now very pale. Good. He needed to have some fear of reprisal put into him.

We all subsided into silence, and Ella settled down next to me, still clutching my hand.

A few minutes longer and Wade finally came back into the room. He sat down on one of the last chairs available. “I’ve called your parents, Ryan, Gavin. They’re going to be here in the morning.” He nodded to each of them. “Now, Gavin, would you mind telling me what happened?”

“Please don’t make me tell my parents,” he exclaimed. “Please don’t!”

Wade didn’t even blink. He said, “Gavin, you need to tell me what happened.”

He was about to protest, but the look Wade gave him made him change his mind. “I was going to the bathroom—” He gulped and wagged a finger at Ryan and his friends. “—and they attacked me. Casey came in and stopped them.”

“Well, I just interrupted,” I said, and Wade shot me a quieting glance. I clamped my mouth shut.

“Yes,” Gavin agreed. “Casey came in and interrupted them. Ryan was threatening to punch me in the face.” He licked his lips. “He said something I’m not going to repeat, calling me gay and saying that I deserved to die.”

“That’s a very serious charge,” Wade said.

“It’s what he said.” Gavin’s voice rose, and then he looked at his hands and said in a dead voice, “I am gay. My parents don’t know.”

Ryan couldn’t contain himself. A slur escaped his sneering lips, and suddenly everyone was up screaming. Wade had to push Ryan back into his chair, and Angela stood up to place herself in front of Gavin. Ryan’s shouts could be heard over them all. “I’ve had to share a cabin with those two freaks!” and “I’m being discriminated against! This is against my religion!”

“Shut up!” Wade shouted over them all, and an ugly silence fell. “You will not use such language in front of me or anyone else.” His voice was so cold I almost expected to see icy steam escape his lips.

“I already warned him,” Angela told Wade.

Ryan’s expression was full of malice and hate, and I wondered where he’d learned such emotions. Who had taught him to hate people so early?

Wade turned to the nurse, who’d been standing watching it all with pursed lips and folded arms. “Did Gavin look like he’d been punched?”

“There was a fist-shaped bruise on his chest, yes,” she said. “But I’m no forensic scientist.”

“You don’t have to be.” Wade turned to Ryan, who was still glaring at the floor, his nostrils flared wide. “You’ve been warned about starting fights already, Ryan. You’ve been warned about using language. I don’t think your father can save you this time. You actually injured another child.”

“He deserved it,” Ryan muttered.

“That’s enough! No one deserves to be hit.”

“People like them do,” Ryan spat, pointing his finger at Gavin, Ella, and me. “They’re all freaks.”

“That’s enough, I said. One more word and I’m sending you home tonight.”

“You can’t do that!” he blurted.

Wade raised an eyebrow and said, “Watch me. I’ll drive you to your parents’ house myself and dump you there if I have to. You’re not welcome to come back to my cabin, and they can fire me over it if they want.”

Ryan’s lips twisted but he said nothing.

It was satisfying, but it was bad that it had to come to this. I was glad no one was seriously hurt. I was glad I’d been able to intervene. And this was more action taken against a bully than I’d ever seen before, which gave me some hope.

Wade stood and asked the nurse, “Can Ryan stay here tonight? I know that you have a cot.”

She nodded but looked like he’d asked her to suck on lemons.

“The rest of you, let’s go.”

Ryan’s friends stood as though unsure they’d be able to go, too. When Wade didn’t protest, they hurried out ahead of us all. Ella, Gavin, and I followed. Wade said a few whispered words to Ryan, whose expression darkened further, and then left. Angela came out last with the nurse’s spare flashlight.

Back up the mountain we went, the two flashlights bobbing up and down with the counselors’ steps. They hushed us whenever we tried to talk, so I wasn’t able to say anything to Gavin or Ella, or talk to them about what had happened.

We all went back to the cabins. I was given permission to use the bathroom since I still needed to, and I hurried and dressed for bed there, too, because I didn’t want anyone staring at me right then.

It took a long time to fall asleep due to all the emotions running through me.

I couldn’t help but think about why Ryan had tried to beat up Gavin. If they were still friends, would Ryan have done that? If they’d been planning on beating me up, would Ryan take it out on Gavin when he was denied? Would Gavin have stood up to Ryan if he’d said something else bad about me or about gay people?

The evidence was mounting in Gavin’s favor about him telling the truth about turning Ryan in, and I hadn’t given him the chance. Even Ella had believed it.

But I hadn’t wanted to. Guilt washed over me, and then anger. But what if it had all been staged? What if Gavin knew I’d go to the bathroom before bed, since I’d been doing just that while I’d been at camp?

Of course, I hadn’t been doing that since everyone found out I was trans.

The thoughts went around and around in my head, like a hamster stuck on a wheel. Did I believe Gavin or not? Was he friends with Ryan or not? Was it staged or not? Would he go to such lengths to humiliate me, or was that a massive case of ego on my part?

I didn’t want to do this to myself—didn’t want to get involved. I hadn’t come for romance. I’d told myself this repeatedly.

And I didn’t want to hurt Gavin, not anymore. It was obvious he was as much a victim of Ryan’s bullying and bigotry as I was, perhaps more so because he’d stayed friends with him for so long. I couldn’t really blame him if he was as lonely and closeted as he seemed.

But I also didn’t want to get involved. He’d have to hide me from his parents. He wasn’t out, and I certainly wasn’t going to play girl to make him feel better. Even though he hadn’t asked, that was the fear I had with dating a closeted boy. Would he want me to pretend to be a girl? Was it because he, deep down, thought I was a girl or because he just wanted to use me as a way to hide his sexuality? Neither option was acceptable.

I was still mad at him, too, for his part in Ryan’s plans. Maybe he’d intended to report him, maybe not. But he had remained friends with an abuser, long after he should have dumped him. Then again, Gavin himself was a victim of that abuse, and I knew how hard it was to dump the only friends you have. To leave an abusive relationship was hard. My mom was the prime example. But it could be done, and it never was the fault of the victim. It was unfair to blame Gavin, even partially.

I had to talk to Gavin. I had to hear his side of it. Once I decided that, I was able to sleep.