EXHAUSTED AND WORRIED, Grace pulled into the garage. It was so good to be home, but so awful to be going into the house she and Aidan shared and to acknowledge he wasn’t here. As angry and hurt as she’d been leaving Spartanburg, facing the house alone somehow made the trouble between her and her husband a fact and, in a very clear way, more real to her. Loss and loneliness trapped her where she was.
Never in her wildest dreams had she ever imagined she’d be faced with her marriage in tatters, and suspicion and distrust toward the man she’d loved. His infidelity changed everything she’d believed about her marriage and her husband. Glancing around the garage, Aidan’s tools hanging over his workbench, she couldn’t help but wonder what else he might have done while working out here on a Saturday afternoon, who he might have called, knowing he wouldn’t be overheard.
If she needed any proof of how much her marriage was in trouble, she had only to look at what happened a few hours ago. The Aidan she knew would never have allowed her to leave Spartanburg, not without following her, if only to say goodbye and to reassure her that he would miss her. She was so accustomed to his presence in her life that she felt empty…drained.
She grabbed her overnight bag from the backseat and started toward the door leading into the house. Just as she unlocked it, she heard her brother’s truck pull into the driveway. Relief flooded her. She raced out to him. “I’m so glad to see you, Lucas,” she said, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him close.
“That husband of yours needs his butt kicked,” he said, patting her shoulders as she clung to him. He wiped her hair from her face as he put his arm around her waist and walked with her into the house. “I’m glad you got home safely.”
“Me, too,” she said, watching as he put her overnight bag on the floor by the cupboard and moved to the counter where he ran water and filled the coffeepot. She watched her brother, her affection for him lifting her spirits. He was the best brother anyone could have wished for. Leaning against the counter as he moved about her kitchen, finding cups and getting cream out of the fridge, she unwound a little. Whatever came next, her brother would be here for her.
“Sis, despite how dumb Aidan is behaving, it’s going to be okay,” he said, pouring two cups of coffee and passing one to her. “Things seem pretty awful right now, but you and Aidan have been through lots of stuff together. This won’t be any different.” He put cream and sugar in his cup and offered her both.
“Just cream for me,” she said.
“You’ve given up sugar in your coffee?” he asked.
“Yeah. I saw a program on the ill effects of too much sugar and decided to cut back,” she said distractedly as she placed her hands firmly around her cup, sipping slowly.
Lucas’s gaze assessed her. “You’ve had a rotten time of it, haven’t you?”
Her hands began to shake at his words. The cup clattered onto the counter, coffee spilling over the edge. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I’m so sorry, sis,” Lucas said, his voice filled with sorrow. “What can I do?”
“Help me understand what is going on.”
“I’m still convinced that Aidan will come to his senses and realize what a total jerk he’s been.”
“But that doesn’t change how awful I feel, how mixed up I am,” Grace said as she edged onto one of the navy-blue leather stools at the kitchen island. She’d put so many hours of planning into this space when they were remodeling their home.
The off-white cabinetry had been suggested by the interior decorator and she’d loved the look of it. Aidan had insisted on an extra-large fridge with lots of freezer space so he could buy whatever amounts he needed for the meals he liked to cook. Unable to stop her eyes from moving from one beautiful part of her kitchen to the other, a flood of memories overtook her. “Remember the time Aidan cooked all those ribs for the staff, using both ovens? And the huge mess afterward?” she said.
“I do. He invited the whole office and did most of the work. It was a great party, and everyone appreciated being here.”
“It wouldn’t have been so messy if Aidan hadn’t spilled a platter of ribs. I can still see the two of you trying to get the gooey, sticky juice stuff off the ceramic tiles,” Grace said.
“You were a good sport about that. Most women would have thrown a hissy fit and called for a cleaning service.”
“There are so many good memories here, Lucas. But right now, I can’t imagine how we’re going to work out our problems, especially when Aidan doesn’t think there are any. He brushed me off when I asked about this Deidre person. It’s as though he thinks I’m simply overreacting and that I’ll get over the affair and accept his way of doing things with Emma.”
“Do you want me to talk to him? Get him to see what he’s done?”
“I don’t know what good that would do. The affair was five years ago, and he says it meant nothing, which sickens me. How could it mean nothing when there is a child? You should have seen how totally focused he was on his plans for Emma… I still can’t figure how he’s going to manage a little girl who has just lost her mother. He’s never been a parent. He’s never had to look after anyone before. And what if he causes Emma serious emotional issues by forcing her to leave everything she is familiar with so soon after her mother’s death? All to satisfy his need to be a parent.”
“It’s that serious, is it?” Lucas asked, sitting on the stool next to her.
“Worse. He’s not listening. It’s as if he is trying to make up for something…”
Lucas took her hand in his. “I cannot picture how it must have felt for him to find out he has a daughter. But Aidan’s always been so cool under pressure, so able to manage everything. You said he spent most evenings after he found out about Emma in his office. Maybe he was trying, in Aidan fashion, to come to terms with what it meant to suddenly find that he’s a father.”
“And after his infidelity, am I supposed to sit around and wait for him to come to me, to be the person who supports his decision?” she asked, feeling her throat tighten.
“Don’t say that. Think back to the day you had the car accident. Remember? Instead of rushing in and staying by your side, he first arranged to have the surgeon meet him in emergency where he grilled him about how the procedure would be done.”
She couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, he arrived in my room, the surgeon trailing behind him, the surgery time set. When he finally felt everything was under control, he sat at my bedside with the most anxious look in his eyes.”
“See? You simply have to trust Aidan. He’ll work this out.” He patted her hand before getting up to freshen their coffees. Passing her mug to her, he said, “I realize that it doesn’t help you deal with his betrayal, but right now you need to think about you. You’ve been through so much in such a short time. Why don’t you just take a long, hot bath, read something? Get some rest. Give this a little time. Your husband tends to act first and seek other people’s opinions later.”
“But this is different. This is me. His wife. First, I find out he’s had an affair and a child. Then I find out he hasn’t got time for my feelings.”
“Have you considered the possibility that this whole thing is as big an adjustment for him as it is for you?”
“What? Adjustment? He’s anxious to take over with Emma. That hardly sounds like he’s having trouble adjusting.”
“Think about it. Aidan’s an only child. He never had anyone in his life totally dependent on him—until Emma. That has to cause him all kinds of anxiety regardless of how he appears to be behaving.”
“I can’t let myself care how this is affecting him when he doesn’t care how it’s affecting me. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t know where we go from here, and I wonder if all the pain is worth it.”
“Only you and Aidan can work on that. But if you feel you need to give him more time to sort things out, for the two of you to figure out what you want, then you’d better tell him that.”
He came around the island and hugged her tight. “Sis, one of the principal traits of a Barton is to let our hurt feelings rule our thinking. I’m proof of that. Maria has helped me see how easily I can be hurt, then withdraw to lick my wounds. For my money, that’s what you’re doing now.”
“You think I should go back to Spartanburg?”
“I think you should do whatever it is that makes you happy. You and Aidan have been happy and will be again, but not until you work out your differences. Listen to Aidan. Find out what he’s going through. I’m betting you’re both going through a lot of the same stuff.”
“But he’s ready to jump into fatherhood without so much as a word of how it will work with Emma, a child he knows nothing about. He is so stubborn,” she said.
“That’s part of what you can help Aidan with. You understand what a huge change this is for Emma as well as for both of you.” He touched her cheek. “You’re not a quitter. Talk to Aidan again. Tell him how you really feel…”
He looked into her eyes and she saw how much her brother cared. She wasn’t in a strange city trying to cope with a little girl who had been traumatized. She really didn’t understand what her husband was going through right now, and she never would if she didn’t get in touch with him again. They had so many issues to work on, but none of it would matter if they couldn’t talk to each other.
“Okay. I guess it wouldn’t hurt for me to make the first move. I’ll stay here tonight, then head back tomorrow morning.”
“As a show of support, I’ll take your car and gas it up before I head over to my condo. Maria is anxious to hear how you and Aidan are doing.”
“That’s so sweet. Visited any jewelry stores lately?” she teased, feeling a little better, not quite so desperate.
“I’m not telling you, Ms. Matchmaker,” he said, laughing as he went out the back door.
She watched him leave, thankful she had a brother and aware of how much she depended on him for advice. Aidan didn’t have the option of relying on a brother or sister, something she hadn’t taken into account in this situation. She would remember that the next time they talked…if they talked.
Should she call him now? Her stomach clenched at the thought.
After an hour of indecision, Grace dialed Aidan’s cell phone. He answered on the first ring. “I’m so sorry, darling, for everything,” he said, his voice warm, caressing her senses. “I felt so awful when you left here. I wanted to beg you to come back.”
“Why didn’t you?” she asked, knowing full well that she probably would have stayed if he’d done that.
“I don’t know. I don’t understand what is going on with me. When I met Emma she screamed, didn’t want me near her. All I could think about was that you’d have done a much better job than I did. You would have known instinctively what to do.”
Feeling closer to Aidan than she had since all of this began, she held the phone tighter. “Aidan, why did you have an affair?”
She heard his sudden intake of breath and waited to see if he’d answer her.
“I want to tell you the truth, but are you sure you want to hear what I have to say?”
“Yes. I am.” Her knees threatening to give out on her, she sat down on the sofa.
“Okay, but what I have to say is going to sound totally selfish.” He cleared his throat. “I’m sure you weren’t aware of this, but I seldom felt you were hearing me about anything other than trying to get pregnant.”
“That’s not fair! I always listened to you.”
Aidan didn’t say a word for a few minutes. “Do you have any idea how many times I tried to get you to go on vacation? And each time you’d insist that you couldn’t go because you had to be near your gynecologist.”
“What can I say? Yes, I wanted to be pregnant, and I was afraid of being very far from my doctor. Why was a vacation so important?”
“Because I wanted you to focus your attention on me, on us and our marriage.”
“I did. Having a baby was important to both of us.”
“Yes. But many times I felt as if you weren’t even aware of me except as the man who could get you pregnant.”
There was a long pause while hurt rained down on her. “You really felt I ignored you except when we were—no. That’s not true!” she screamed at him. “You wanted a baby, didn’t you? Why are you only now telling me about how you felt?” she demanded, trying to gain control.
“Because I didn’t think you’d listen to me. Every time I tried to talk about something else, something we might do or an idea for my business, you didn’t seem very interested. At first I didn’t mind so much, but as the years went on and things got so intense, so desperate, I felt as if what I wanted or needed really didn’t matter.”
“That’s so unfair,” she yelled at him. “You had your work. You had your life outside this house. I had nothing…nothing but the hope that we would finally conceive.”
“And that’s why I kept my feelings to myself. I didn’t think that you’d be interested in how I felt unless it somehow related to getting pregnant. Do you have any idea how many times I simply wanted to hold you in my arms, to have you fall asleep in my arms, not from the effort of getting pregnant but because we loved each other and needed to hold each other close?”
Feeling the sincerity of his words across the connection, she began to see that maybe… “I was obsessed with getting pregnant. Is that what you’re saying?”
He gave a huge sigh of relief. “Yes. After years of being together, the Grace I fell in love with seemed to have changed, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was lonely, Grace. I needed my wife back.”
“But that doesn’t forgive what you did. You could have talked to me like you’re talking now. We could have worked on getting a little balance in our marriage. You know I would not ignore you that way. You had to see that I needed you to share your feelings with me. Instead, you went to bed with another woman.”
“An act that I am so sorry for. Believe me. You cannot imagine how sorry I am. I’d change it if I could.”
“That’s not possible. We both know that. And now there’s a child,” Grace said, her heart aching from the unfairness of life. “All I ever wanted was a baby.”
“Me, too, Grace. Me, too,” he whispered.
“And now you have one.”
“No. We have one. We have a little girl, Grace.”
“A little girl who came out of an affair you had,” she said, her voice rising again.
“If Emma could have been your baby, I would have loved and cared for her, for you, for the rest of my life.”
A moment of quiet fell between them. “Aidan, I wish I could tell you that with time and effort on your part, I might be able to forgive you. But I’m not sure if I’ll ever be at that point, to feel it in my heart to forgive what you’ve done.”
For a few moments, she feared that he might not answer, and it tore at her with a force she could never have imagined. What if she’d gone too far in what she’d said?
“Grace, I would like to be able to tell you that I will never hurt you again. But that’s not possible. I’ve hurt you already. But I want you to believe that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to make this up to you. I haven’t worked out exactly how to do that, but believe me, I’m going to try. I need you more than I could ever have imagined. Not just because of Emma, but because you’re you. You make my life worthwhile.”
A shudder ran through her at his words. “Oh, Aidan, if only none of this had happened,” she whispered.
“But it did,” he said, desolation tingeing his words.