HOURS LATER, WITH Grace’s words still ringing in his ears, Aidan pulled into the parking lot at Larry Knowles’s office. He hadn’t known what to do or where to turn after Grace left. He felt hollow, cut off from everything he’d known and loved, adrift trying to make sense of it. He’d been thankful for the meeting with the lawyer, anything to distract him from what had occurred between Grace and him.
Hearing Deidre’s will might help him better understand why she chose to do what she did, and maybe a hint as to why she’d not told him about Emma.
After he entered the building he was shown directly into the lawyer’s office.
“So good to see you again,” the lawyer said, coming around his desk to shake hands. “We’ll get right to the will. I’ve made a copy for you and will go through the major provisions set out in it.”
The men sat, and Aidan picked up the document, reminded of how easily life can be summed up in a few pages of instructions for the beneficiary. “I wish I’d known Deidre better,” he said, scanning the pages.
“How’s that? You and she had a relationship, didn’t you?”
“I don’t know what she told you. My company did work with Deidre’s. Our intimate relationship amounted to one weekend. A weekend that never should have happened.” He looked across the desk at the lawyer. “I don’t know why I’m telling you that, other than I feel guilty that I didn’t know about Emma before Deidre passed away. I didn’t know Deidre was pregnant. I never heard from her again after that weekend five years ago. I guess that’s part of why I was so shocked when you called to tell me I was named as guardian of Emma.”
Larry leaned back in his chair. “That’s interesting. Deidre didn’t go into the details of her connection to you, although your reaction to my initial phone call made me suspect you’d had limited contact with her.”
He rubbed his chin in thought. “Before I go through the various provisions, I’d like to tell you a couple things about Deidre that you may not have known. She always had to be in control, set the agenda. She was tough, hardworking and always very careful about whom she allowed close to her. As her friend, no one was more surprised than I was when she came to see me about her will. I’m probably overstepping my bounds, but I don’t think she ever intended to have you find out about Emma. I think, like most people, she never believed she’d die young.”
“Why would she do such a thing?” Aidan asked.
“Deidre wanted Emma to herself. I’m guessing here, but I believe it had to do with being an only child herself. She had told me she wanted a child, and when Deidre wanted something, she usually got it. I don’t think she had many relationships. I was one of only a handful of friends. She was one of those people who made her decisions based on her needs at the time, including the people she did or did not need.”
Aidan remembered that weekend, the way Deidre came on to him, seducing him with determination and eagerness. He’d been totally surprised by her attitude and her clear intention to have sex, even though he didn’t have any condoms with him. He had never slept around on Grace, so had no need for such protection. Still, Deidre had assured him she was on birth control and had provided the condoms. Was it possible she’d misled him? Had Deidre intentionally gotten pregnant? Why hadn’t he insisted on buying his own condoms?
As he stared at the document, not reading a word of it, his mind scrambled over his memories of that weekend—the wild sex, the total freedom and excitement.
A sickening feeling flooded him, forcing him to face the ugliness of it all. Not only had he cheated on his wife, destroying the trust between them and breaking his vow to the only woman he’d ever loved, but he’d done it without thinking of the other possible repercussions of having sex.
He had shown little or no responsibility for taking precautions during sex with a woman he didn’t know well at all. He’d been careless and thoughtless.
Because of his actions, a little girl had been born without the advantage of having a father in her life. And now, because of Deidre’s decision to name him as guardian for her daughter, his marriage might not survive and Emma might still end up without a mother. What a hell of a mess he’d made of things.
He sighed inwardly as he met Larry’s inquiring gaze. “Obviously Deidre liked being in charge, so what else has she dictated?”
“What does your wife think of all this?”
Aidan grimaced. “She didn’t know about the affair. It’s really been very difficult for her, and quite frankly, my marriage is in trouble.”
Larry Knowles shook his head slowly. “I’m sorry for you and your wife, but my concern is for Emma. She deserves a stable environment. She has Lisa, of course, but no family to speak of.” The lawyer stared straight at him. “If you agree to the terms of the will, you have a huge responsibility.”
“And if I don’t take Emma, my daughter will become a ward of the state and put up for adoption,” he said, returning the lawyer’s demanding gaze.
“She will.”
“I messed up and hurt two people who were completely innocent. Now I have to make things right for them. I love both of them very much. I never knew what it felt like to be a father, and now I have a child who needs me in her life. I plan to take good care of her and to prove to my wife how much I love her.”
The lawyer’s expression softened. “Then let’s get to the will. Deidre left an estate of a little over five million, most of which is invested with a professional investment group here in the city. I have all that information when you’re ready to deal with it. I have all the documents ready for you to sign as the guardian. Deidre wanted you to move into her house.”
“But Deidre knew I have a wife, that I live outside of Charleston. Why would she think I would move here?”
“Again, Deidre looked at things from her perspective and what she wanted for Emma. Knowing her as I did, she probably thought that the combination of money and her home would entice you to move here. But I’m only guessing.” He shifted in his chair. “Why don’t I go through the will? If you have questions, we can address them. Would that work?”
Aidan listened to the lawyer as he read out the conditions. Sadness and regret washed over his mind. He’d hurt everyone he loved with his behavior, and now it was time to make amends. In his heart, he knew that Grace and Emma belonged together. He’d done a lousy job trying to bring that situation about. But from now on, he’d listen to his wife and do his best to allay her fears.
He was done making decisions that ended up hurting the people he loved.
An hour later, after he’d signed all the paperwork at the brokerage firm and made arrangements to set up new bank accounts, he headed to Deidre’s house, relieved that all of that was finished for a while. There would be further decisions to make later, but the urgent details and paperwork had been settled.
Now was the time for him to prove to Grace and to Emma that he loved them and would care for them. It was his job to prevent any further damage to Emma. And to Grace.
Watching Emma this morning before she left the house had cemented his determination to be a good father. With her bright red curls and blue eyes, her instant smile and the adorable way she talked and played with Lisa, he couldn’t take his eyes off her.
It was true that, so far, she’d avoided any direct contact with him, but he believed with all his heart that, given time, he could change that. He looked forward to the day he could hold her and play with her the way Lisa did. Until then, he would take it slow, be there for her and make certain that her life was as close to normal as possible. That meant staying here for a few days to get everything organized. It might even take a couple of weeks. He should have explained that to Grace, to make it clear he wanted to resolve the issues they faced, but from here. Not at their home, where he couldn’t establish a relationship with Emma. But between Grace’s anger and his inability to cope with her anger, he had, once again, mishandled their conversation and gotten it all wrong.
He heard the back door open and moved off the kitchen stool he’d been sitting on. Emma came in, tugging on Lisa’s hand, a ready smile on her face. When she saw him, she slowed, stopped and stared at him. Without saying a word, he smiled at her. She gave him a tiny smile back, and his heart soared. He was making progress.
Lisa put the knapsack on the counter, then went to the fridge. “What would you like for a snack?” she asked Emma. “What about pita and hummus?”
Aidan had never eaten hummus in his life, but he was certainly willing to try. If eating hummus would give him a starting point with his daughter, he’d eat a gallon of it.
He waited to see what Emma would do. She rushed across the room to the fridge and took the food from Lisa’s hands. “I’m hungry,” she said, placing the food on the counter and climbing up on a stool next to him.
“Let me help you with that,” he said, reaching toward her.
She looked anxiously at him out of the corner of her eye, her lower lip jutting out. Was she going to cry? He hoped not. He’d seen enough tears for one day. “Can I have some of that?” he asked.
Emma blinked. A slight smile slowly turned up the corners of her mouth. “Mommy says we should all eat healthy,” she said, popping her thumb into her mouth as her eyes moved to Lisa, who was putting the food on a plate.
“Your mom is right. We should all eat healthy,” he said.
“Can I have juice, please?” she asked.
“Certainly,” Lisa answered, going to the cupboard and returning with what seemed to Aidan to be a lot of similar small boxes with colorful cartoon characters on them.
Emma reached for the plate and slid it across to him. “We can share.”
His heart beat hard in his chest at the kind gesture. Obviously, Deidre and Lisa had been teaching Emma to be polite and kind. “Thank you. I’d really like that.”
They settled in to enjoy the snack while Lisa started to prepare dinner. Watching Emma eat and chat with Lisa, Aidan spent the most enjoyable time he’d had since coming here. He had to believe that everything would work out. He’d make sure it did. And the hummus wasn’t half-bad, either.
He was laughing at Emma’s antics with a piece of pita when Lisa spoke. “Aidan, we need to talk.”
“Sure. Now?”
“Emma, sweetie, how would you like to finish your snack while you watch SpongeBob SquarePants?” Lisa asked as she gathered the remainder of the food and took it to the family room. Emma gave him a quick smile as she slid off the stool. “Do you like SpongeBob?” she asked him.
“Ah. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it,” he said, realizing that he was going to have to learn all about Emma’s likes and dislikes, and clearly her favorite TV programs.
She stared at him. “Everyone watches SpongeBob SquarePants. It’s funny.” She giggled as she followed Lisa into the family room.
When Lisa returned, she had a concerned look on her face. “I had a call from my family while I was waiting for Emma. My mother has been taken to the hospital, and I have to go.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. What can I do?”
She looked at him a little strangely. “Nothing. You’ll have your hands full with Emma. Having lost her mother and without me here, Emma will need all the love and support you can give her.”
He had to care for Emma? On his own? The knowledge slammed into him with the force of a sledgehammer.
“I—I’m afraid I’ll screw up. I mean, I’m just learning this whole parenting thing. Emma is still very uncomfortable around me. It’s not a good idea to leave her alone with just me, is it?” he asked, his heart pounding hard against his ribs.
Lisa gave him a quick glance. “There really isn’t anyone else I can call on, and I have to go. If you need help, I’m sure Deidre’s friend Valerie Henson could step in, but she works full-time and has kids of her own,” she said as she continued to peel carrots at the sink. “I’m afraid it’s up to you.”
“I…” What was he going to do?
“Your wife is here. She could help you.”
“No. Grace went back home. She’s…having difficulty coping with all the change going on in our life.”
Lisa turned to him, a concerned look on her face. “I’m sorry to hear that, but I have to go. I’ll leave you with a detailed list of instructions. And any contacts you might need are posted on the fridge.” She pointed to what looked like sheets of information. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
She finished preparing dinner before going to pack a suitcase. Still trying to process Lisa’s news, Aidan watched in horror as Lisa knelt next to Emma in the family room. “I have to go away for a couple days to see my family, but I’ll be back as soon as possible.”
“Don’t go!” Emma sobbed, throwing herself into Lisa’s arms. Lisa picked her up and carried her to the kitchen where Aidan stood transfixed by the enormity of this situation. He hadn’t imagined that he might have to care for Emma alone. He’d been counting on Lisa and Grace to be around and do the things little girls needed done.
How was he to manage the care of a child he knew so little about? He had no experience with children. He had no siblings, no cousins his age and had never been around young kids.
Emma clung to Lisa. The longer her misery continued, the more Aidan wished fervently that Lisa might change her mind or at least take Emma with her. “Are you sure this is a good idea, I mean, leaving me in charge?”
“We don’t have a choice,” Lisa said, her voice low as if to prevent Emma from hearing what she said. She glanced at her watch. “And I have to get going.” She gave him a worried look.
“I’ll figure it out,” he conceded as he moved closer to Emma, smiling as if his life depended on it.
For what seemed like a lifetime, Emma eyed him from under her teary eyelashes. Eventually, she pulled her thumb from her mouth, hiccuping and sniffling before putting her arms out to him.
Tentatively, he reached for her, still waiting for her to reconsider and bury her face in Lisa’s chest. When she didn’t, he took her in his arms, patting her narrow shoulders. What should he do now? He’d heard from someone—he couldn’t remember who—that it was soothing to a child to carry them around the house looking at whatever caught the child’s attention. He began moving from room to room. “Look outside,” he said, pointing at the American flag fluttering on the flagpole near the garage. “What is that?”
“Flag,” she said before popping her thumb back into her mouth, resting her tiny head on his shoulder and snuggling close. Love for his daughter, like a living thing, filled his chest, expanding to fill his body, shaking him to his core.
He was walking around the kitchen, pointing things out for Emma to name when Lisa appeared with her purse and a small suitcase. He really was going to be one hundred percent responsible for this little girl. “You’re leaving now,” he said, hearing the raw anxiety in his voice.
“I am.” Lisa looked at Emma, who promptly pulled away from Aidan and reached for Lisa.
“I go with you,” Emma said as Lisa wrapped her arms around his little girl.
“You have to stay here with your dad. I’ll be back as soon as I can, and in the meantime, you be good, okay?” Lisa said, kissing her cheek.
Emma pulled her thumb from her mouth. “No! You stay!” she demanded, tears spilling down her cheeks.
“I have to go, honey,” Lisa murmured, her eyes filling with tears as she held the little girl. She looked over at Aidan. “Can you take her for me?”
Tentatively, he reached for Emma, who immediately began to cry harder. Aidan waited, not knowing what to do, fearing that Emma would not stop crying when Lisa left the house.
“I have to go, Emma,” Lisa said again, and this time she passed Emma to him. The child struggled in his arms and managed to slide to the floor, following Lisa to the door. Aidan went after her, trying to remain calm while worrying that Emma might follow Lisa to her car.
“Please stay here with me,” he said to Emma as he managed to pick her up again, evoking loud wails.
Lisa turned, a desperate look on her face. “Find one of her favorite toys to soothe her,” she said as she turned quickly, opened the door and walked out, to another yelp of protest from Emma.
“I don’t know which toys are her favorite,” he said to the closed door.
Emma scrambled out of his arms, fleeing to the window in the living room that looked out on the driveway. “Weeza!” she screamed, climbing the back of the sofa.
He went to her, unsure if he should try to pick her up and comfort her. Hoping to calm his little girl, he glanced around the room looking for a toy that might soothe her. In a corner, he spotted the black teddy bear perched precariously on the edge of a tapestry-covered bench. He grabbed the furry toy and offered it to Emma.
At first, she ignored him, sucking her thumb and hiccuping. When she did glance his way, she stared at him suspiciously. He waited, his throat constricted with worry at the possibility that Emma might simply continue to cry, and he wouldn’t be able to comfort her.
Seconds later her tiny hand grabbed the bear before turning away from him and nestling into the sofa while she patted the bear’s back.
What should he do now? He glanced around, trying to figure out if he could get her back to the TV in the family room. Not ideal parenting, but the TV might distract her and give him time to make a plan.
“Emma, would you let me watch SpongeBob SquarePants with you?” he asked, mentally crossing his fingers that the program was still on.
She peered up at him, sighed and offered her bear to him. “Blackie and I will show you.”
He took the bear, grateful for the change in his daughter, and followed her to the TV. Cartoon characters he’d never seen before who seemed to live under the water flashed on the screen. How weird was that? He edged down beside her on the sofa. “So, tell me about this show. Who is SpongeBob?”
Relief whirled around him as he listened to her animated description of what seemed to be a bunch of characters making Krabby Patties while hurling insults at each other and throwing things. But he really didn’t care about the storyline as long as Emma seemed content and was not crying. For now, he was happy to sit with her, watch her as she pointed and laughed at the antics of the characters.
It would seem that the program ran four episodes back-to-back each day after school, according to the onscreen guide.
Carefully he eased back on the sofa, hoping that Emma might snuggle next to him for a few minutes. Before long, she glanced at him, her gaze shifting to his lap. He took that to mean she wanted him to hold her. When he opened his arms, she climbed onto his lap, and not too long after, she fell asleep on his shoulder.
What should he do now? Would she sleep until her bedtime, then stay awake half the night crying for Lisa, or worse, her mother? He didn’t have any idea and it frightened him. All he could be sure of was that, for now, things were quiet.
A little later, she awoke suddenly, rubbed her eyes. “I’m hungry,” she said, sitting up straight and staring at him.
“What would you like to eat?” he asked.
“Tomato soup and crackers,” she said, sliding off his lap and heading to the kitchen, dragging Blackie the bear behind her.
“Can I have some, too?” he asked, following her to the kitchen.
She raised her arms up to him. “Yes. But only four crackers,” she said, holding up four fingers as he lifted her into his arms.
“Do you help Lisa make dinner?”
“Yes. I sit there.” She pointed to the stool closest to the kitchen sink.
“Want to sit there now?” he asked.
“Yes.”
He was pleased to make her dinner and watch as she slurped the soup. He didn’t realize that little kids liked soup, but his daughter certainly did. Upstairs, he ran a bath and helped Emma into it. He sat on the floor beside the tub and watched as she splashed and played with plastic fish and other assorted creatures.
Wanting to get her to bed so he could relax for a while, he held out a towel to Emma. “I think it’s time to get out of the tub, don’t you?”
For a minute, her lips formed a pout and he held his breath.
Please don’t cry. Please.
“Yes!” Emma’s face lit up with a smile. He scooped her up and started down the hall to her bedroom.
“We’ll get you into your pajamas, and then I’ll read you a story,” he said.
She pointed to her mother’s room as they reached the door. Oh. No. “You want to go in there?” he asked, preparing himself for the onslaught of tears he was certain would erupt if they went into Deidre’s room. “Are you sure you don’t want to get your pajamas on now? We could look in your mother’s room later.”
Emma gave her head a vigorous shake sending damp curls cascading over her face.
“Okay.” He carried her into the room, the evening sky spreading shades of pink and gold across the cream-colored duvet.
Emma pointed to the mantel over the fireplace.
“Mommy’s photo. You want to look at that,” he said, dreading what would happen next.
Emma reached toward the mantel, picking up the photo of him next to the one of Deidre. “Daddy,” she said, hugging it close, her thumb making its way into her mouth, but not before she smiled into his face.
His heart slowed to a steady thump as he held her tight in his arms. His life seemed to stand still as he met his daughter’s gaze. An emotion he couldn’t name swamped him, and he knew only that he’d never felt it before. “Yes. Daddy,” he said, as tears of joy ran unfettered down his face.
“Don’t cry,” she said, her expression anxious.
“I’m crying because I’m happy,” he whispered taking the photo from her tiny hands and gingerly putting it on the mantel.
“No!” Emma reached for the photo, taking it in her pudgy hands. “Mine!”
“You want to keep that?” he asked, marveling at how easy she was to hold.
“My room,” she said, leaning back in his arms and peeking up at him from under her dark lashes.
In her room, she put on her pajamas and climbed into bed, still clutching his photo in her hands. Watching her, he knew he would remember every detail of this moment for the rest of his life.
Abruptly, his thoughts turned to Grace. He wanted to share this moment with her. She, better than anyone he knew, would appreciate how he was feeling. But first, he had to be sure that Emma was settled. “Do you want me to read to you?” he asked, following Lisa’s instructions about the bedtime routine.
“No. Mommy reads to me,” she said, her eyes dark pools of worry. “I want Mommy.”
Aidan felt so sorry for his little girl, and so helpless. Nothing would change the sad truth that her mother would never be with her again, would never hold her or read to her.
He knelt beside the bed. “Well, maybe you could show me your favorite book, and maybe I could read to you sometime. Maybe even tomorrow night?” he asked, fearing that she would simply continue to cry. If she did, what would he do? There was no one to turn to. He could call Grace, but what could she do over the phone?
Slowly a small smile started on Emma’s face, pushing her cheeks up into tiny pink globes. Was she going to be okay? “Can I take the photo?” he asked, hoping to smooth the tiny frown between her perfectly blue eyes.
Emma snuggled under the pink duvet, handing him the photo. “I’ll put it on the bookcase, will I?” he asked, unbelievably relieved that she seemed to be settling for the night.
She nodded, her thumb slipping into her mouth. He kissed her forehead, reveling in the softness of her skin and the fresh-scrubbed scent of her. Unfamiliar feelings he could not explain filled him. He’d never felt this way in his life. She gave him a sleepy smile as she snuggled beneath the sheets. He would do anything, make any sacrifice, for the little girl lying there looking up at him. Anything.
“See you in the morning,” he whispered.
“Leave the door open,” she murmured, her voice filled with sleep.
“Sure. I’ll check on you a little later. Sweet dreams, princess.”
He tiptoed out of the room, but not before he saw her eyelids slide closed. He took a deep breath, the first since he’d gotten her out of the tub. Overall, the evening had gone pretty well. Or, at least, he thought so. He’d be sure to check on her several times during the night, just in case. If she were afraid and lonely, would she get up and come into his room? Or would she go to her mother’s room?
Back in his room, he reread the list of instructions that Lisa had left for him—all sorts of information about Emma’s daily life, things he hadn’t imagined he’d need to learn so soon.
He called Grace, eager to tell her what had happened and talk about everything he was feeling. The past couple of hours had been a roller coaster, from his early fear that he couldn’t cope to his conviction that he could do this. He could.
“Hi, Aidan,” Grace said, her voice sounding strained.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine. How are you?”
“I’m doing okay, mostly. I wanted to tell you about Lisa and what’s been going on,” he said as he started to list off the events since she’d left earlier in the day.
Grace listened to Aidan talk about his daughter in excited, upbeat tones. Even the news that the nanny had to be off for a few days didn’t seem to faze him. She was frankly amazed that Aidan hadn’t called her the minute he knew Lisa had to leave.
“And you managed to get her into the tub?” she asked.
“She got in on her own. She knew which bubble bath her mom used. She got her own towel out of the linen closet, and she chose her own snack, which, by the way, she ate in the tub,” he said, chuckling. “I had no idea what Ritz crackers looked like floating around in bubbles. And she is so sweet and funny. I just sat by the tub and watched her. Grace, you can’t imagine what it felt like to have my daughter with me, to see her play in the bathwater and so many other things. I…I… Grace, I love her so much,” he said, his voice low and filled with wonder.
He’d never been totally responsible for any child, let alone a four-year-old who had just learned that her nanny was leaving on top of everything else. “You’re amazing. How did you do this on your own?”
“I nearly called you to help me, but I didn’t dare leave Emma.”
“I would have helped you if I could,” she said, feeling hurt that he hadn’t immediately called her. Knowing that he’d managed to look after a little girl on his own made her feel as if he didn’t need her.
Could she have done what he did? She wasn’t sure. She’d done a little babysitting and read books on child-rearing…
Why hadn’t he called her for advice and support? Maybe he didn’t feel she’d be interested in what he was going through. Yet she was interested. Her misgivings over how he’d behaved earlier didn’t change the fact that she wanted to know about Emma. “Aidan, despite our differences I would have helped you with Emma,” she repeated, feeling the pain of not being included.
“You say that, but you wouldn’t stay today long enough to meet her,” he said, his voice radiating sadness.
His words filled her with remorse and a tinge of resentment. She wished she’d been there with him, to see his little girl, but she would not have found it easy to witness his love for a child she felt so ambiguous about.
“I’m really pleased for you, Aidan,” she said, struggling to sound upbeat, but all she could think about was that another woman had made her husband happier than she’d ever known him to be. Another woman had given him the child he wanted. “You sound very happy,” she said, as she faced the fact that her husband’s happiness had nothing to do with her or with their marriage.
He hadn’t said a word about them or their relationship or the way things had been left between them a few short hours ago. Once she was home, she’d prayed that he would call, that they would talk a little. As evening approached, she’d grown anxious. They’d never let the sun go down on their anger. They’d always made up before going to sleep.
How could he not have wanted to talk to her before this? How many husbands have their wives walk out after an argument and not ask how they are doing?
“Grace, are you still there?” he asked.
She wanted to ask him about where they went from here. She needed him to say what was going on with him, his feelings for her. But all he wanted to talk about was his daughter.
She realized that she sounded petulant and selfish, but she needed to talk to her husband. Needed them to agree to meet and work things out. “I’m here. I’m glad you’re enjoying your daughter,” she said, forcing the words around the painful lump in her throat.
“She’s our daughter, Grace. And when Lisa returns, I’m going to work out a plan for us to all be together. I miss you, and I want to be with you. I messed things up when you left here, but I plan to fix all that. You’ll see. I should have taken the time to call you earlier this evening. It won’t happen again.”
Relief appeared at his words. Despite their troubles, she wanted to believe him, to believe he was aware that she was hurting. “Oh, Aidan, I want us together, too, to work on our marriage. I want to get to know Emma. I’m sure if we talk this all out sensibly, we can find a solution that works for all of us.”
“Grace, I was really down earlier today. After you left and I was finished with the lawyer, I realized that I was as much to blame, if not more so, than Deidre for what happened. I should never have had sex with her. It was stupid and irresponsible. But I can’t regret Emma. I don’t know why Deidre didn’t tell me about her, let me be involved, but that’s over. I want us to move on, the three of us. Did I tell you that Emma held my photo and called me Dad?”
“She did?” Grace said, her throat twisting into a hard knot. Aidan had had the moment she’d dreamed of all her life—that moment when her child called her Mom. “That’s lovely for you.”
“I… Whatever we decide, I don’t want to ever be separated from Emma again.”
“Not even for a few days while we sort things out between us?” she asked, feeling a sense of foreboding. By that one statement, he had made it clear that what Emma needed and what he needed came first, ahead of their relationship. Did he have any idea how cruel and hurtful his words were?
“We can talk when she’s in kindergarten any day you can get here.”
“I didn’t say I was coming back to Spartanburg. I’m still completely confused as to where I stand in all this and how we put things back together in our lives.”
There was a long pause before Aidan spoke. “Grace, I love you. This whole experience has affected me in ways I couldn’t have imagined a few weeks ago. But I realize that I’m too quick to talk about what I want and how I see things. My actions have hurt you and I’m sorry. What can I do to fix this?”
Had he not heard a word of what she’d said? “Do you think this can be fixed by making a list of things to be done?”
“Well, not exactly a list. My weekend with Deidre was almost five years ago, Grace. I’ve hurt you, made it difficult for you to trust me. I realize that. But I love you. We have a beautiful life together, and now we have a child.”
“Aidan, you’re asking me to accept your daughter by another woman without you helping me work through how I feel, what I want to see happen. I need you to listen to me, to my feelings.”
“I am listening right now, Grace.”
“I don’t know if I can accept Emma into our lives. Every time I look at her, I will see a part of you and be reminded that you were unfaithful to me. When I see you in her, I will remember what you did to us, and to our marriage. I will remember that when I thought we were focused on creating a child, a family together, you had sex with someone else.”
“Do you suppose you could get over those feelings and start thinking differently if you met Emma, formed your own bond with her? Deidre isn’t competition. She never was.”
“I know you believe that, but in my heart I’m afraid that I can’t handle living with Emma every day without remembering where she came from and how I feel about that.” She made a frustrated sound. “And in contradiction to those feelings, when you didn’t want my advice on Emma, I felt left out.”
“You’re not left out. I’ve just been a stupid person to let you feel that way.”
Did she dare hope that they were making progress? Was he really willing to take her into his plan as an equal and not as simply someone he needed? “I want what you want for Emma. But I feel we’re moving too fast without consideration as to how this will work in the long term.”
“Grace, a few weeks ago those words would have been my words. I’m the one who likes to sit back and deliberate on what to do and how to do it. But Grace, there’s no problem here that I can see. What I’d like is get you and Emma together. Believe me, all your worries will disappear. Would you consider that?”
Grace felt they still weren’t communicating well, but for now, she didn’t want to go any further. Aidan did seem to be trying to see her point of view, which was a start. “I guess the best thing for me to do is to wait and see whether or not you want to discuss bringing Emma home with you.”
“Grace, I can’t come home without her. The lawyer says she needs a stable environment. We can give her that.”
“No, we can’t, until we resolve some of our own issues.”
“Grace, please give my plan a try. Emma needs to feel part of a family.”
Pain and hopelessness spurred her to hang up the phone without saying anything more. She wasn’t angry; she was completely discouraged by their conversation. No one mattered more to him than his daughter.
She thought back to that time five years ago when Aidan had gone to Spartanburg. His company had been finally hitting the big time, had been sought after by a lot of high-powered companies, and he’d been working day and night and sometimes weekends.
When he’d called to say he wouldn’t be home for a couple more days, she worried about him being overtired. She remembered that weekend he’d spent with Deidre because they had planned to go with friends to a community theater production of Wicked and she’d been looking forward to it. Not wanting to go alone, she’d given her tickets to another couple and had stayed home to work on a quilt.
If she’d had any idea Aidan was with another woman that weekend… And yet, what had changed? Five years later, she was once again waiting for Aidan, hoping that he would consider her feelings in the decision he was making.
And she was left out of it.
Despite being fed up with him, she waited, hoping that he’d call back, looking for an explanation for her quick hang-up.
In their entire married life, she had never hung up on him. Reason enough for him to call her back. The fact he didn’t showed her how completely and utterly preoccupied he was with fatherhood and what it meant to him.
With a sinking heart, she decided to go for a walk, anything to not feel so completely abandoned by the one person she’d loved all her adult life.