AS THE NEXT few weeks dragged on, Grace fell into a funk, feeling aimless and at odds with everything around her. She’d cleaned her brother’s condo from top to bottom, gone online and read articles on quilting, gone to the local magazine shop and bought every magazine they had on quilting and hooking rugs, all to no avail. The days still continued to drag by.
She couldn’t face talking to Aidan again because she didn’t know what to say to him. He’d left several messages apologizing and wanting to know that she was okay. She’d sent him an email explaining why she’d gotten off the phone, but she couldn’t talk to him. He offered another apology but it didn’t help how she felt. Once she’d settled down a bit, she realized that seeing Aidan in Deidre’s office had reinforced the fact she’d been lied to and cheated on.
Aidan believed the past was over—his affair was done and Deidre was dead—so they should move on.
Grace knew it wasn’t over and it wasn’t done. Not for her. She couldn’t simply move on.
In a way, it was a relief to have him out of town so she didn’t have to worry about seeing him unexpectedly or having friends ask why they weren’t together. Thankfully, Lucas had told her that Aidan was coming back later today, so she’d had the chance to prepare herself.
She supposed she should go to clean up the house since Emma and Lisa were accompanying Aidan, but Grace couldn’t bring herself to do it. Every time she thought of him, she remembered seeing him in Deidre’s office.
Seeing him there, so comfortable in that space, brought back all the times she’d put his needs first, thought of nice things to do to make his life easier. She had loved and cared for him, waited on him and wanted to bear his children. But none of her caring mattered. It hadn’t mattered when he decided to have sex with another woman. And it didn’t matter now, when he was in another city, leading a life that made her feel jealous and left out.
There was something she should do at the house before Aidan got home. Her flower garden had been overlooked in her lethargy. Despite Aidan’s suggestion that they hire a landscaper and have the backyard done professionally, she had been adamant that she do it herself. She loved every minute she spent in the garden and had taken a horticultural course to learn about plants and their preferred places and relationships.
To her complete surprise, she’d discovered a rabbit had taken up residence, a delightfully shy creature that she first found nibbling on baby lettuce in one of her raised beds.
She was anxious to see if the rabbit was still around and how her hibiscus shrubs were doing, not to mention the black-eyed Susan plants she had acquired last spring. According to Lucas, Aidan wasn’t expected until early evening. She had time to at least assess what needed to be done.
She was on the way out the door, thinking that she needed to pick up a few groceries on the way over to the house, when it hit her.
You’re not living there anymore. Your marriage is in trouble, and you still think you should be putting groceries in the fridge?
Getting her purse and keys, and avoiding the street that went past the grocery store, she headed down the wide boulevard that led into the subdivision. A pang of longing shot through her at the sight of her window boxes showing off the bright red geraniums she’d planted. And the peonies at the corner of the house nodded their large pink blossoms.
Only weeks ago she’d been very reasonably happy in this house. Despite not being able to have children, she had concentrated on her crafts and her love of wool and fabrics, her gardens. Now, as she pulled into the driveway, she yearned for those moments before all this happened when she believed she could convince Aidan to adopt a child.
Determined not to think about any of it, she made her way around the house to the garden in the back. The sweet scent of lavender wafting up from the herb bed greeted her, filling her with a sense of calm. At least here she had control of what went on. It was, after all, her design and her effort that had converted this into a flowered space that her neighbors and friends praised. She enjoyed their compliments and freely shared gardening tips with anyone who asked.
She recalled the day Aidan had hurt his shoulder moving the lumber into place for her raised beds, the day he nearly stumbled carrying an armload of sod to fix the ground around the koi pond in the center of the garden. She remembered rubbing his sore muscles with an anti-inflammatory cream to ease the pain. She also remembered the lovemaking after they’d showered together that day.
How had they come to this place where they had trouble talking to each other and no longer shared even the simplest things?
She longed for those innocent years when everything seemed to go their way, when trying to get pregnant was fun, not reduced to an anxious endeavor, fraught with insecurity.
She glanced around her garden, taking it all in, remembering each shrub and plant she’d lovingly planted. She must not dwell on the past weeks, but instead let her garden and its serenity soothe her.
What she needed was to get her hands dirty, feel the soil on her fingers and enjoy the results of her hard work. She walked the stone pathway leading to the rear of the garden, then opened the wooden shed and went in to the dark, moist space in search of her gloves, a spade and a rake.
The first area in serious need of her attention was the herb garden. The rosemary had developed long scraggly branches and the cilantro was suffering from lack of water. Getting into a rhythm of digging and weeding, the smell of the earth and the wind sighing in the maple tree over her head, relaxed her.
She’d been working diligently, feeling the sense of accomplishment she always felt as she cleaned up and weeded a garden area, when she glanced at her watch.
Two hours? Aidan would be here soon with Emma and Lisa. She didn’t want to be around when they arrived. It would be too difficult to face him when she was still so uncertain about everything. And this was not the time to see him with his child. A small surge of anger struck when she realized he probably expected her to be here, to have filled the fridge with fresh fruit and vegetables.
Scooping up her tools, she headed to the shed. Just then, she spotted the rabbit hopping in front of the trumpet creeper, a climbing shrub that clearly needed to be trimmed—but not today. Today she had to get back to her brother’s condo.
Thankfully, she left without encountering Aidan. She was relieved, even though a small part of her wished they could meet. She missed their conversations about their everyday activities, the little things that happened that contributed to the story of their lives. She missed coming home to him after being out somewhere. She missed hearing him singing off-key in the shower, the way he towel-dried his curly hair.
Getting out of her gardening clothes, she took a quick shower and washed her hair, then settled in to read. Finally, she tossed aside the latest quilting magazine, wishing she’d stopped long enough at the house to grab her sewing machine so she could put together the quilting pieces she’d meticulously cut out last month. Surveying the space, the austere maleness of her brother’s condo, she faced the truth. She was bored and lonely and wanted to see Aidan.
* * *
MEANWHILE, IN SPARTANBURG, Aidan and Lisa loaded his rental car, then placed Emma’s car seat in the back. “Thanks for all your help,” he said, trying to wedge the trunk of the SUV closed. “I had no idea how much gear a child needed. And that car seat was complicated to install.”
“Get used to it,” Lisa said, laughing as she turned toward the house. “I’ll put Emma in the seat for you.”
“Thanks,” he said as he checked for the keys and linked his cell phone to the online security system. He had to call Lucas as soon as he could. Working in Deidre’s office was okay, but not the same as being where he had everything—files and paperwork—at his fingertips. Thanks to Lucas and one of the other engineers, he’d managed to put out a few fires, but a lot of work was still pending.
He’d make some phone calls on the drive while Emma slept. At least, he assumed she would sleep. Who wouldn’t sleep after waking up at four in the morning? He wished he could sleep, but there wasn’t a chance until he got home.
Emma and Lisa came out of the house, Emma hugging her black bear. He opened the back door. “In here, sweetie,” he said, feeling upbeat and ready to take his daughter home where she belonged.
Grace hadn’t taken any of his calls since the day he’d Skyped with her. He’d been so sure that they were working things out, but he’d seen how upset she was about his being in Deidre’s office. Still, he couldn’t do anything about that if she didn’t take his calls.
He knew she was living at Lucas’s condo. He also knew there was no way Grace would be happy living there for very long. She loved her gardens, her sewing room and all the other nice touches they’d built into their home specially to please her.
He would see Grace once he got home. When he got Emma and Lisa settled, he’d convince Grace to meet him somewhere, maybe for coffee or dinner. And this time he’d work on how to alleviate her fears about their relationship. Whatever it took to bring her home with him and Emma…
Emma stomped down the driveway to the back door of the SUV, her bear crushed against her chest. She stopped. “No! I want to go with Lisa.”
“Emma, I explained that you and I are going with your daddy today. We’ll be living in his house.”
“No!” Emma screamed, racing toward the house and crying at the top of her lungs. “I want Mommy! Mommy!”
He started toward her, but Lisa touched his arm to hold him back.
“I’ll get her. You stay here,” she ordered before walking up the driveway.
He watched in agony. Emma’s tears hurt like a physical blow. He waited while Lisa knelt in front of Emma and talked soothingly to her. In a few minutes, Lisa returned holding Emma’s hand.
“What do we do now?” he asked Lisa, trying to remain calm. “I suppose we could always put the seat in your car.”
“Not a good idea. Your car is bigger and safer. Besides, it will take even more effort to change the seat. I think it’s best if we simply go,” Lisa said.
Emma stood next to Lisa, her tiny shoulders shaking, her face buried in her bear’s neck. “I want Mommy,” she sobbed over and over.
Aidan could barely breathe over the anxiety knotting his chest. His heart hurt for his little girl but he didn’t know what else to do to help her.
“Emma, you and I are moving to your new home with your daddy. I need you to get in his car. I’ll be driving my car right behind you. Whenever you want, you can get your daddy to call me on his cell phone and you can talk to me. How’s that?”
Emma looked up at him, her tearstained face wrenching his heart. He saw an opportunity to convince her that she had to go with him, all the while fearful that he’d made a horrible mistake in insisting on moving home.
“Emma, if you’ll go with me, I promise you that we will stop at a McDonald’s and a park on the way so you can have fun on the trip. It isn’t just about going to my place. It’s about having fun along the way, isn’t it? And Blackie would like to go on a set of swings and eat in a restaurant, wouldn’t he?” Aidan asked, feeling an overwhelming sense of relief when his daughter smiled up at him.
“McDonald’s has toys,” Emma said, hugging her bear close, the beginning of a smile forming on her face.
“Well done,” Lisa whispered as she helped him get Emma into her car seat. “You’re catching on fast.”
The drive proved he hadn’t caught on all that fast. Emma talked, hummed or cried all the way. The only break Aidan got to make calls was at the rest stops and standing outside in the rain at a McDonald’s. Completely exhausted when he got home, he was pathetically grateful when Lisa offered to unpack the car and settle Emma in her new room. There was nothing to eat in the fridge, bringing home to him in no uncertain terms how big a role Grace had played in keeping his life operating smoothly. He’d never seen the fridge as empty as it was today.
“I guess I’ll have to go to the grocery store before dinner,” he said as Lisa entered the kitchen.
“I guess you will,” she said, placing the booster seat on a chair at the table. “Emma is up in her new room putting her books on the shelf. That room is ready for a baby. You’ll have to take the crib down and put up her bed. I assume you have a single bed somewhere…or I could put her in one of the other bedrooms for tonight if needed.”
He let the fridge door close. Memories rushed him. The hours his wife had spent painting the room, the bookshelves they’d scoured antiques shops looking for, the hours spent huddled over wallpaper samples. All of it for a baby they’d never had. He choked back his sorrow, seeking to answer as normally as possible. “I’ll put the twin beds back and take the crib out.”
Lisa gave him a sad smile. “You can tell me to mind my business, but in a way, this is my business because of Emma. You need to make amends with Grace. You can’t go on living like this. And neither can Grace.”
“But if she wanted to be here, she would be. I pleaded with her to stay. She chose to go.”
“So now we’re going to do the I-can’t-do-anything-because-she-walked-out-on-me dance?” Lisa asked, a disgusted look on her face.
He looked at her and realized that no one had ever talked to him the way she did. She could have stayed out of it, and in fact, he’d started out wishing she would. But she was helping him see what a mess he’d made of things, and she was right. “Thanks, Lisa. I’m going to call her right now and see if she will meet me somewhere, anywhere we can talk.”
He picked up the phone and dialed Grace’s cell phone. When it continued to ring, he started to worry. She knew he was coming back. Had she decided not to take calls from him? How could he make amends if she didn’t talk to him?
As his call went to voice mail, he felt so isolated, the feeling of the distance growing between them becoming more acute. What if she wasn’t willing to sort things out because she had gone to a divorce lawyer?
An empty sensation settled in his stomach at the thought. What a fool he’d been. Grace had been very upset about the office thing, and he’d done little or nothing to assuage her feelings. If he didn’t hear from her soon, he would call Lucas and invite himself over to the condo. He’d stay right there until Grace was willing to talk to him. In the meantime, he’d keep trying to reach her.
* * *
TO EASE HER BOREDOM, Grace decided to watch an old movie. She’d poured a glass of wine and was about to settle in front of the TV when her cell phone rang again. Aidan.
Undecided as to whether she wanted to talk to him, she let it ring. Then, feeling a need to hear how he was doing, she picked it up.
“Grace, I just arrived, and wanted to see you. I miss you. I need to talk to you. Going on Skype with you in Deidre’s office was wrong—I was an insensitive idiot.”
“Aidan, will you slow down?”
“Sorry. I was afraid you might hang up before I said what I needed to.”
“Aidan, I think that what you need to do right now is look after Emma.”
“But I thought you wanted to talk, to work on things. You told me that I was making decisions without you, but I’m not. I want to hear you say that you’re willing to work with me to fix our life,” he said desperately. “I can’t live without you—”
She heard screaming in the background and realized that Emma was upset. “Sounds like you have your hands full.”
He sighed. “Yeah, we got in about an hour ago. I need to get a few groceries so Lisa can make dinner. Emma is exhausted from the drive, and to be honest, so am I. She cried, sang or talked the entire way. My ears are hurting. Seriously.”
“Welcome to the world of children,” Grace said, enjoying his anguish while knowing how unsympathetically she was behaving. “Lots more to come. Have you looked into kindergarten for her?”
“Haven’t even started that. I should have made a few calls last week, but it’s been hectic.”
“I can imagine,” she said, absolutely reveling in the idea that Aidan was experiencing the results of doing little or no planning before bringing Emma here. It was probably mean of her, but she couldn’t help how she felt. If he’d listened to her in the first place, none of this would have happened.
Besides, nothing had changed between them. Their relationship was in jeopardy, and until he faced up to that fact, she didn’t want to be anywhere near him. It wasn’t that she didn’t love him, although there had been times over the past few weeks…
“Aidan, I need to stop by to pick up some of my quilting materials.”
“That would be great. I would love to see you. This house isn’t the same without you. When would you like to come? What about this evening?” he said eagerly, and for a moment, she felt the old closeness.
And despite everything that had happened and all her negative feelings toward him, hearing the sweetness in his voice she gave in. She missed him “Why don’t I drop over this evening after Emma is in bed?”
“Come over anytime. Really. Lisa is great with Emma, and I’m sure we could find a quiet place to talk,” he said, over another loud scream.
“I’ll see you then,” she said, aware that she was in danger of doing whatever he wanted of her. She hung up quickly before she fell for the intimate tone, the enthusiastic response. Aidan had always been so enthusiastic about everything going on in their lives, his boyish spirit and drive being two of the main reasons she’d fallen in love with him.
In the quiet of Lucas’s condo, she faced her thoughts. She loved Aidan. She needed him. But she couldn’t continue feeling left out, of little importance except to do as he wanted and fulfill his needs. She wished she could believe in him again. But the man she’d married was rapidly disappearing behind his plans, his dreams, his obsession. Not hers. And not theirs.
Aidan had to change if they were to have any chance to save their marriage.
An hour later, she pulled into the driveway. Seeing a car she didn’t recognize parked on the street, she hesitated. Who would be visiting Aidan so soon after he got home? Lucas had said the office staff had been waiting for Aidan. What if one of them was a woman who cared more than she should for Aidan? Aidan was vulnerable right now, and might have accepted an offer of help from one of his staff.
How had she so easily jumped to that conclusion? As the question formed in her mind, she recognized that she continued to worry that Deidre hadn’t been Aidan’s only affair. How would they ever resume their marriage with her feeling this way?
Biting back her suspicions, she went to the front door, feeling really strange that this was her home and yet she didn’t feel comfortable enough to walk in.
Anxiously she rang the bell, and Aidan opened it immediately. “I’ve been waiting for you,” he said, his words punctuated by Emma’s yelling about not wanting to go to bed.
After an earsplitting shriek, he said, “She wouldn’t eat her supper, and we don’t know what to do with her,” he said apologetically.
Grace glanced at him, saw the strained look on his face and the bags under his eyes. Aidan was not having an easy time of it. “You’re still getting unpacked, I assume,” she said, wanting to touch his cheek, to massage the worried frown on his handsome face, to feel the smoothness of his skin.
“Trying to,” he said just as Emma came running down the hall toward the door.
She stopped. Her red curls bounced around her head. “Who are you?” she asked as she put her thumb in her mouth and stared at Grace, smudges of tears evident on her cheeks.
“I’m Grace. I’m here to pick up a few things,” she said, unable to keep the smile off her face. With her bright blue eyes, Emma was a charming little girl.
“Do you live here?” Emma said.
“I…have, yes.” Grace couldn’t help but smile at the way Emma pursed her lips and scowled.
“What things do you want?” Emma asked, speaking around the thumb in her mouth.
“I make quilts and I need some fabric and stuff from upstairs. Would you like to go up with me and help me find what I’m looking for?”
Stepping away from Aidan, Emma held her hand out and looked into Grace’s eyes. The sudden sense of connection charged through Grace like an electric current.
“Yes.” Emma tugged on Grace’s hand. “Let’s go.”
Aidan let out a long sigh. “This is great. Please let Emma help you get your materials while I try to get the ringing in my ears to stop,” he said, a wry smile on his face as he led the way to the stairs.
Grace exchanged a quick look with Aidan. “That bad?” she asked.
Aidan rubbed his jaw. “Emma isn’t happy with me or Lisa right now. She hasn’t eaten anything since we got home.”
“Emma, I haven’t eaten, either. Maybe once you help me get my fabrics you and I could have a peanut butter sandwich together. What do you think?”
Emma smiled as she headed up the stairs, her pudgy hands gripping the handrail as she took the steps one at a time with Grace following.
“We need to go in here,” Grace said when they reached the top.
A big smile spread over Emma’s face. “Next to my room,” she said excitedly as she hopped up and down. “Want to see my room?”
Grace hesitated. It had been the room that held all her hopes and dreams for a child of her own. And now another child—her husband’s child—occupied the space Grace had imagined spending time in, rocking her baby, watching her child fall asleep after reading her or him a story.
Could she go in there and not break down in tears? Aidan and Lisa would not appreciate another round of crying from anyone at this point. But she had a little girl waiting for her answer… “Show me your room.”
Emma grabbed Grace’s hand and pulled her to the door, her fingers warm against Grace’s skin. “See. These are all my teddy bears. I love bears. Do you?”
Grace’s eyes moved around the room she’d so lovingly decorated as she waited for the news that she was pregnant. The one thing she had prayed for had been denied her.
Her heart sank at the changes in the room. The crib was gone and in its place a single bed stood between two dressers. The bed had been hastily made up. The mobile that had hung over her baby’s crib was dangling off the end of the bookshelf. The wallpaper looked decidedly infantile as a backdrop for the toddler and little-girl objects. Her throat ached with loss and regret.
“Are you crying?” Emma asked, her voice gentle and oddly quiet as she tugged on Grace’s hand. “Mommy says that tears are needed sometimes.” She slipped her thumb into her mouth, then pressed her face into Grace’s leg. “I want Mommy,” she said, her voice breaking.
Grace scooped Emma into her arms and sat on the edge of her bed, rocking her back and forth to ease the little girl’s distress. “Your mommy was right. Tears are very needed sometimes, aren’t they?” she asked, still holding the child, feeling the warmth of her little body.
She held Emma as emotions long kept in check flooded over her. The powerful connection created by soothing and caring for such a precious little girl left her suspended in a place where only she and the child existed. This was what she’d waited for all her life—the touch of a child. Her child.
She stroked Emma’s head soothingly, letting her snuggle. In this moment, she and Emma had a bond. They’d both lost a part of their lives they’d wanted. Emma had lost her mother. Grace would never give birth to a child. Smoothing Emma’s brow, Grace whispered into her curls, “Emma, this room was decorated for a little girl just like you.”
Emma leaned back in her arms. “Like me?” she asked, a quizzical expression on her face.
“Yes. Your dad and I wanted a baby just like you.”
“Did you have one?” Emma whispered, her eyes wide ovals of deep blue.
“No. We didn’t. But now you are here,” Grace said, looking directly into the toddler’s eyes, feeling a sudden sense of finding something for the very first time.
“I’m staying here,” Emma said.
“You are. For sure.”
“Will you be here?”
She didn’t know how to answer Emma, but in her heart, she knew that more than anything she wanted to be here with this wonderful little person. “Would you like that?”
Emma’s eyes darkened. “Lisa is here, but she’s not staying very long,” she said.
How does she know that? Has she overheard a conversation between Aidan and Lisa?
“Emma, there will always be people who love you even when they can’t be with you,” Grace said, her heart pounding in dread. Emma had to be tired. And tired children could get upset very easily. She didn’t want Emma to be afraid that she might be left alone by yet another person. How could Lisa even think about not staying here with this little girl? “Your dad loves you very much. He will always be here for you.”
“My mommy is gone. She’s in heaven with the angels,” Emma said, a forlorn look on her face.
Life was so unfair. “Yes, your mommy is with the angels and you can pray for her whenever you like. I’m certain she’s looking down on you and loving you from heaven.”
Emma gave a long sigh and snuggled closer.
Grace held Emma in her arms as gently and lovingly as she could, and decided that whatever it took, she would try to work out her differences with Aidan. It would take time, but it was worth the effort. Not just for Aidan or for her, but for this wonderful little girl so in need of love and reassurance. She kissed the top of Emma’s head. “Why don’t we go downstairs and I’ll make you the best peanut butter sandwich you ever had.”
“Better than Mommy’s?” Emma asked, her face turned up to Grace’s.
Looking into the child’s eyes, she was reminded how fragile life could be. A car accident, a few seconds of distraction or misjudgment had forever altered this little girl’s life. “No. Not better than your mommy’s. Nobody could do it better than she did,” Grace said as she took Emma’s hand and led her down the stairs. She hadn’t grabbed the pile of fabric she’d wanted, but it didn’t really matter at the moment. All she wanted to do was to keep Emma from being sad.
“No. Mommy’s sandwiches were really, really good,” Emma said as she hopped down each step while still holding on to Grace’s hand. It was a bumpy trip down the stairs, and when they reached the bottom, Aidan was waiting.
“Want to join us in the kitchen? I’m making peanut butter sandwiches for Emma and me,” she said to him, watching his eyes search her face, warming her heart.
“I’ll make them,” Emma called out as she moved ahead of Grace.
“You know how to do that?” Grace asked, her eyes still focused on Aidan.
“Of course! Mommy showed me,” Emma said proudly, her tiny chin tucked into her chest.
Grace and Aidan shrugged at each other. “Well, Grace, I guess it’s time for us to see what sort of culinary skills Emma has,” he said with a smile as they followed Emma down the hall toward the kitchen.
“She has cried ever since we got here, until you arrived. How did you do that?” he asked, his fingers brushing hers.
Grace looked into Aidan’s eyes and recognized pain and uncertainty, eagerness and caring, all in a glance. She wanted to touch him, to tell him everything would be okay for Emma and for them.
But she knew it wasn’t that simple. If they were to make any of this work, they needed to take it slow, not say things that might end up being worthless a few days or weeks from now. “She cried a little while we were in her room, and I let her. She needed to cry. She’s missing her mom.”
“And I can’t figure out how to help her,” he said, as they walked into the kitchen. His hand brushed hers, sending an exciting thrill up her arm.
“Emma, your daddy is going to be your assistant and help you make the sandwiches. Is that okay?” Grace asked, at once pleased and lonely to be entering her kitchen. But she didn’t live here anymore, and might not ever live here again.
“What’s an assistant?” Emma asked.
“It’s the person who helps the person making a meal,” Aidan said, smiling his thanks to Grace as he went to the cupboard to get out a loaf of bread.
“I do it,” Emma said, taking the bread and pulling the fridge open. Reaching into the shelf on the door, she took out the peanut butter.
“Let me help you,” Grace offered.
“Okay.” Emma put her arms up to be lifted onto a bar stool at the kitchen island.
Grace got a knife out of a drawer. “Why don’t you lay out the bread slices, Daddy, while I get the jam? Then you can help Emma put the peanut butter and jam on the slices.”
“Sounds great,” he said, helping Emma to spread the slices with a thick layer of peanut butter and jam.
At the sight of her husband being so caring to his daughter, she had to turn away to hide her tears. When she turned after composing herself, Aidan was watching her.
“Okay. Done.” Emma patted a sandwich until peanut butter oozed out of it.
“I’ll put the sandwiches on plates and take them to the table,” Aidan said, his eyes still on Grace, making the heat rise in her cheeks. He took dishes from the shelf, his arm brushing against her as he moved around the kitchen.
“What does everyone want to drink?” he said. “If we were not being observed by the princess, I would kiss you right about now,” he whispered, leaning closer as he opened the fridge.
“I want milk,” Emma called from the table.
“I’ll have water,” Lisa added.
“What about you, Mrs. Fellowes?” Aidan said, continuing to whisper.
“Water is fine,” Grace said, feeling the heat of his body, smelling the scent of his skin. She wished they were alone.
“Daddy!” Emma called. “I want milk.”
“Coming right up,” he said, pouring a glass.
“This is the best,” Emma said excitedly as she munched on her sandwich.
“You bet it is,” Grace said, glancing around the kitchen, feeling connected and happy.
Yet, as it stood right now, she didn’t belong here. Although Aidan had been very kind and expressed his appreciation of her efforts, at no point did he say anything about their situation.
When they finished eating, she put the dishes in the dishwasher, a simple act, but one that filled her with longing for all she’d lost. This wasn’t her home. It had been her choice to leave, and yet what had driven her out hadn’t changed.
Feeling out of place, she slipped quietly upstairs to retrieve the materials she wanted. Returning to the kitchen she said goodbye to everyone. “I can see myself out,” she said, not wanting to interrupt the happy scene.
“No. Wait.” Aidan came around the table. “I’ll walk you to the door.”
“Do you know when Lucas will be back?” she asked, feeling awkward when they reached the door. Would he try to kiss her? If he did, what would she do?
“He should be here tomorrow,” Aidan said, his eyes searching her face. “Grace, I would like a chance to talk to you. Can we meet somewhere tomorrow? Maybe for coffee?”
“That would be nice,” she said, resisting the urge to move into his arms.
“Grace, you were fantastic with Emma. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She fidgeted with the bag of fabric, and pushed the strap of her purse up her shoulder.
Aidan shifted from one foot to the other, jamming his hands in his pockets as he did so. “I just want to say that I’m so sorry we never had a baby together. You are a fantastic parent. All this time you waited to do something that comes so easily and naturally to you. I can only imagine how painful it has been, and I’m so sorry I wasn’t more caring and didn’t support you the way I should have.”
The expression on his face, the way his eyes searched hers made her see that he was sincere. She wanted to reach out to him, to touch him, to show her appreciation for his saying that, but she couldn’t. If she did, she’d cry, and she’d cried enough these past few weeks, endless days of wishing things had been different in their lives and in their marriage.
More than anything, she wanted to talk about how difficult it had been for her, but that would have to wait until she was emotionally able to share everything with him and have him listen with his heart not his mind. She knew he was waiting for more, but she didn’t have anything she could offer him. “I’d better go.”
“Can I call you tomorrow?” he asked as she opened the front door.
“Yeah. That would be good.” She didn’t look back as she went down the walkway. She couldn’t. If she did, she would surely run to him, to his arms, to the life she’d lived for the past ten years as his wife.
But that would mean she’d have to give up on her belief that he had to change, that he had to be willing to really listen to her. Being the one to relent, give in over an argument, had always been her style. She’d always taken the first step after any disagreement they’d ever had. She couldn’t this time. There was too much at stake, too much of who she was, who she believed herself to be, to be the one who offered to reconcile their differences.
She opened the car door, placed her material on the passenger seat, climbed in and drove off into the lonely night.