GRACE SAT ALONE in her brother’s condo, trying to sort out her feelings. She’d hardly slept since her talk with Lucas. His words, his serious tone, had filled her with dread.
More than anything that had happened so far, Lucas had made her aware of how fragile her marriage was, how little it would take to end it. She’d never truly considered that she and Aidan might not be able to resolve their differences. Yes, she’d had moments of frustration when they seemed miles apart. But underlying that frustration had been the deeper confidence that they would fix their relationship. They’d always been able to talk over any problems in their marriage, but this time was different. What had happened five years ago was tearing them apart.
Deep down she knew she’d been hiding out at her brother’s place, taking solace in knitting and watching TV. But she needed to do something to move on with her life, to figure out what she should do with her marriage.
She wanted to deny that she’d been unable to accept what had happened to her and Aidan in the past few weeks. Lucas couldn’t possibly understand how painful it was to face up to the fact that Aidan had a child with another woman. And how could Lucas possibly believe that what Aidan had done to her was acceptable in a marriage based on love and trust? She’d come up with all kinds of reasons Lucas had to be wrong, but none of them made sense in the darkness of her room each night.
Was she simply unwilling to accept what Aidan said? That he’d made a mistake a long time ago, and it had nothing to do with his love for her?
And what about Emma? She couldn’t help but love the little girl. Yet if she wasn’t an equal partner in raising Emma and making decisions involving her, the rest of their relationship would suffer the consequences.
Still and all, she missed Aidan so much, found herself thinking about him all the time. What was he doing? What was he feeling? Was he eating, looking after himself? Between his new family responsibilities and his work, he had to be under even more pressure.
She’d been at the table with Lucas and Maria several times over the past days and heard how busy Lucas was, which meant that Aidan had even more work responsibilities than she’d been aware of. She wanted to call Aidan, to let him know she was here if he needed her. But she wasn’t going to do that. Not without some resolution about her role in Emma’s life.
She glanced at the phone, uncertain what she should do. If she called Aidan, what would she say? How could she begin a conversation about them when she wasn’t certain where to start? And the way she was feeling right now, she was afraid that what she did say would come out as an accusation. And what was the point in that?
Of course, her fabric had arrived. Having waited weeks for the expensive tapestry material, she wanted to see it. She’d chosen the fabrics online and intended to use them to make a wall hanging for her church.
Could she simply return his call about the fabric? That would be a neutral topic, possibly a place to start. She touched the phone, her fingers tapping along its smooth surface. “Do it!” she said to the empty room.
She reached for the phone just as it rang. Caller ID showed Aidan’s number. Suddenly nervous, she picked up. “Aidan?”
“It’s me, Grace.” She heard him sigh and wanted to reach through the phone and touch his cheek. “I—did you get my message about the fabric?”
“I did. I was thinking that I might come over today sometime if you’re going to be around. Or this evening, maybe,” she offered, aware of how much she needed to hear his voice.
“I’m working from home today. Come over anytime you want,” he said, his words tender in her ear.
Her body warmed at the memory of other times when he’d spoken to her like that. There had always been such warmth between them, such a powerful connection, and yet…
Her heart pounding in her throat, she clutched the phone tighter to her ear, willing him to talk to her about how he loved her, needed her and wanted her in his life. He’d said it the other night, but in her anxiousness, she needed to hear it once more.
In that moment, she faced what had been uppermost in her heart. She would give anything to see him. But she needed to move quickly before her courage deserted her. “What about now? Or maybe in an hour?”
“No. Please. Come over now. I’m right here. I’ll close up my computer and turn my cell phone off so we can talk,” he said, his words coming fast.
“Okay. I’ll be over in a few minutes,” she said, her heart pounding in that old familiar way it did whenever she talked to her husband.
Grace drove carefully through the streets toward the house she loved and the man she’d married and had loved with all her heart. Did she still love him after all this, or was she simply wishing for her past life? Would he ever understand how much he’d hurt her? Despite how she felt about him, what he’d done five years ago would always be between them, influencing how they felt about each other, if they couldn’t find a way to overcome it.
Would they be able to connect, to put the past behind them? If she were willing to try again, how long would it take before she could trust him with her feelings? And if they were to start over, to put their marriage first in their lives, how long would that take? What if they discovered, after months of trying again, that their love hadn’t survived what they’d been through?
What if she got to the house only to learn that nothing had changed, that Aidan insisted on convincing her that she needed to see things his way? If he did, what would she do? She suddenly realized that she’d been placing all her hope in a meeting like this, one where they could share their concerns as a starting point. And if it didn’t go that way…
As she pulled into the driveway, she noted that Lisa’s car wasn’t there. She had felt uncomfortable around the woman from the first moment she met her, mostly because Lisa seemed to know things about her husband she shouldn’t have known if Aidan had only been at the house once.
No matter how hard Grace tried, she couldn’t shake the feeling that Deidre and Aidan had been in touch after their short affair. Underneath everything that had gone on, Grace was afraid that Aidan hadn’t told her the whole truth. And no matter what they said to each other, how hard Aidan tried to convince her otherwise, the fear she felt at his behavior was the direct result of his infidelity. A betrayal she might not be able to move beyond. If she were unable to put the past behind her, there was little hope for their marriage.
Pushing her worried thoughts to the back of her mind, she got out of her car and went up the front walkway. The door opened and Aidan was standing there with a huge smile on his face, making her heart tumble in her chest.
He moved toward her…then stopped. “You’re here.” He sighed out the words. “Come on in. Do you want coffee?”
She glanced around at the smattering of toys lying about the front hall and the pink hoodie hanging on the newel post at the bottom of the stairs. “Is Emma here?” she asked, not wanting to have the little girl overhear their conversation.
“No. She’s with Lisa, running errands.” He smiled again, a smile so warm and inviting she wanted to walk into his arms.
“I was pleased to hear my fabric had arrived,” she said, glancing around the living room, seeing the dollhouse at the end of the sofa and the Lego blocks on the coffee table.
“I’ve put the parcel right here.” He pointed to the long flat box propped near the door.
“Thanks. I’ll get it on my way out,” she said, going down the hall to the kitchen.
The kitchen area was in disarray with the piles of files and the laptop on the counter, toys scattered everywhere. The sun caught the edge of the table where coloring books were spread out. Everything looked so lived in, so much the home of a child who was loved and cared for. “Emma must keep you busy.”
“She does. She’s basically taken over most of the house with all her stuff. And today I have a bunch of files that are in the way.” He glanced at her anxiously. “Let’s go to the living room. It’s probably the least cluttered part of the house,” he said, placing his hand in the small of her back, the heat of his fingers, the ease of his touch so familiar.
They faced each other, their eyes locked, the air between them charged with unanswered questions and emotions that neither could express.
Finally, Aidan said, “Grace, I’m so glad you’re here. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I messed up our date. I never considered that being in a bar would be so difficult for you and my thoughtless remark…” He glanced away. “I don’t seem to get anything right with you anymore.”
Seeing the anguish in his eyes, she reached for him. “You are having as much trouble with this whole thing as I am. I came here wanting to see if we can work through this somehow.” She gave him a wry grin. “Lucas read me the riot act the other day.”
His expression brightened and he reached for her hand. “Me, too. But he was right about everything. I need to listen to you.”
“And I need to understand where you’re coming from.” Her breath seemed to be stuck in her throat at his touch, the encouragement shining in his eyes.
“Why don’t you start? I promise to listen.” He led her to the sofa.
She eased down beside him, acutely aware that he still held her hand, his touch so warm. “I am having trouble accepting what happened, but you already know that.”
He sandwiched her hands in his. “The time I spent with Deidre was wrong and disrespectful. But I wasn’t keeping it from you for any other reason than that I didn’t see any point in hurting you over something that was done before it began. It was never anything more than a working relationship that got out of hand.”
“But finding out about Deidre, then being left out of your plans for Emma, made me feel worthless, not really part of our marriage anymore. As long as we’ve been married, I have supported you, been there for you during all your business ups and downs. Yet, when it came to the most important part of our lives, you decided to go it alone. You made me feel as if you didn’t need my support, not as your wife nor as your friend,” she said, feeling the rise of resentment in her chest. “I really wanted you to allow me to be part of the decision.”
“I see that now. I really do. I did try that day on Skype, but it didn’t work out…” He tugged her fingers closer into the palms of his hands. “Grace, I want to explain something that might help you understand where I was coming from, what I was feeling and thinking.”
The look of vulnerability in his eyes touched her. Aidan had always seemed so in charge, so capable of taking care of anything. Yet now she saw the exhaustion in his eyes, the worry lines around his mouth. She didn’t say a word while she waited for him to continue. Her only movement was to gently squeeze his hand.
Aidan took a deep breath to steady his racing heart. Looking into her clear blue eyes, he was reminded of the day they met. He’d been waiting for an excuse to talk to her, and her math problems gave him an opening. He still remembered how she chewed her lip as she listened to him, the way she was doing now.
“You and I have wanted children all our married lives, and I was so certain that we would have them. Then, when it became clear that we couldn’t, I was as brokenhearted as you were. The only difference was that I felt I needed to be strong for you, to protect you from the pain of knowing there wouldn’t be a baby for us. I came home every day, saw the sadness in your eyes and felt helpless to do anything to ease your sorrow.”
“You have no idea what it was like, because you were busy or away from home,” she said, tears shining in her eyes.
He touched her cheek, wiping the damp spots with his fingers. “I left you to fend for yourself because I wasn’t doing well with it, not just for me but for you. I wanted you to have a baby even more than I wanted a baby for me.”
“But you didn’t tell me that. You left me to believe that I was the one suffering the most, facing up to my sadness.”
“That’s where I went so wrong. I should have talked to you about my pain, my loss, instead of shielding you from it. I believed I was doing the right thing, but I realize now I wasn’t. Grace, there hasn’t been a day that I didn’t wish with all my heart we had a child, our child,” he said.
“We should have been more open about our feelings,” she said. “When you found out that Emma was your child, I needed you to understand how I was feeling. Not just the sense of betrayal but also how left out I felt by your need to charge ahead and do what you believed was best.”
“As difficult as this is for me to say, I was so happy to learn that we had a child. All I could think about was bringing our child home to be here with us. I know I handled it badly, but all I wanted was for us to be a family. I had a child who could make that happen, who we could share. The circumstances were not what I would have wished for. But in my mind, it was the next best thing. That’s why I rushed into it, organizing everything, thinking that I could fix your loneliness, your need for a child simply by taking charge of Emma’s life.”
She nodded slowly as her eyes moved over his face.
He felt her gaze like a blessing, a loving thought exchanged between him and his wife. “I could have waited and I should have. I should have left with you that first day so we could talk this over. It was so stupid of me. And the worst of it is that I can’t go back and fix any of it. I can’t take back your pain at feeling left out or the loneliness my crass behavior caused you.” He squeezed her hand gently, willing her to believe him. “I can only try and make it up to you now.”
“Then why wouldn’t you see an adoption lawyer with me?”
He wanted to tell her what she wanted to hear, but was it true? Did he want to adopt? “I’m not sure. I guess I felt that, after all our efforts to have a child, the way our life had been taken over by the desire to have a family, I needed a break from it all. I needed you to myself for a little while, needed you and I to be a couple devoted to each other.”
He wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her, show her how much he loved her. But he was afraid that if he moved too fast, she would feel he was pressuring her. He didn’t want that. Never. “I don’t have the words to explain my behavior. It was wrong of me to make you feel so alone. Since you’ve been gone, I wake up every morning facing an empty bed. I can’t go on like this. The long nights of lying awake, missing you. No morning talks. No discussions about our days. We belong together. There’s never been anyone for me but you. Only you.”
“Oh, Aidan…” She moved closer to him.
He closed his eyes in torment. He had to get this right. He had to. “And it’s because I love you that I’m willing to accept whatever it is you decide you want. I’m here for you. I’ve tried to make it clear how I feel, how sorry I am. I won’t pressure you into a decision about us. I’m powerless to change how you feel about what I’ve done to you.”
“Aidan, I want us to be happy again, but I don’t know how to do it, how to fix what went wrong between us.”
Aidan fought the urge to crush her to his chest, to plead with her to move home. But if there was one thing he’d learned through all of this, it was that he had to give Grace time to accept what had happened and how sincere he was in trying to make amends.
“I would like for us to go away together. So much has happened since Charleston. I really believe that if we spent time together, really shared our feelings about everything that has happened, we can find our way back to each other. I’ve already talked to Lucas and he’s willing to take over for me. I promise to never touch my business cell phone from the minute we leave here until we get back.”
He stopped, confused by the look on her face. Was she crying? “Oh, Grace, darling, I didn’t mean to make you cry. I really wanted to do something nice for you, spend time with you, but if you don’t want to—”
“I do,” she said quickly. “I would love to go away with you.”
He held his breath, uncertain as to what to do next. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am. More than anything we need to work things out between us.”
His throat thick with emotion, he pulled her close and kissed her gently—and with so much bottled-up feeling he thought he would burst with happiness. When her arms moved around his neck, he took her face in his hands and kissed the last traces of tears from her cheeks. “Grace, whatever happens from here on, we’re in this together.”
His cell rang, startling both of them. Holding her close, he pulled the phone from his pocket. The caller ID showed the kindergarten he’d hope to enroll Emma in. “Sorry, but I need to take this call. It’s about Emma’s kindergarten. Do you mind?”
For a moment Grace hesitated, her teeth biting her lower lip. “No. Go ahead.”
Thankful for Grace’s support, he answered the phone.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Fellowes, but we won’t be able to offer your daughter a place at our facility because we don’t have the space for her. I can leave you on the list and if there’s a cancellation, we could see about fitting her in.”
He gave a sigh of disappointment. “I’m sorry to hear that. I was hoping you would be able to accommodate her. Thank you for informing me of your decision.”
He ended the call and put the phone away.
“What happened?” Grace asked.
“I was trying to enroll Emma in a kindergarten recommended to me. They don’t have an opening, at least, not now. Maybe later.”
“How soon do you need a kindergarten? I understood that Lisa was staying on with you to give Emma lots of time to adjust to her new life here.”
He grimaced as he leaned forward resting his elbows on his thighs. “Lisa’s not going to be here much longer.”
“Why?” Grace asked, curious as to why the nanny would be leaving before Aidan had everything in place. But maybe he had found a pediatrician and a dentist and all the other things Emma would need to be healthy and happy. Maybe the kindergarten was the last piece. Her feelings of being outside the circle saddened her. She wanted to be part of that, part of putting Emma’s life together here in her home.
The urge surprised her a little. Yes, she’d wanted to be involved, but her motivation now had less to do with her role in her marriage and more to do with wanting what was best for Emma.
“Lisa has a job near where her mother lives. I hate to let her go, but feel I have no choice. It’s been difficult even with her here—I have no clue how I’ll manage when she’s gone.”
“And there is a problem over the kindergarten?”
“More like several problems. No kindergarten arranged yet. I haven’t been able to spend the time to get Emma settled the way I’d planned, what with work commitments. Worst of all, I have to tell Emma that Lisa is leaving. I don’t know how to do it, and I’m afraid that she will be so unhappy without Lisa…”
He needed her support, her understanding. Forgetting her own concerns, she said, “Emma will be upset. You can’t avoid that. She’s a strong little girl, but to be losing the one person who has been with her, who was there from the beginning, will be very painful.”
“Lisa and I are going to talk to her about all this tomorrow morning. I’m worried about her reaction. Lisa is upset over leaving Emma but feels that she has to take this job offer. I don’t know what I’ll do if Emma becomes inconsolable.”
“That’s awful,” Grace said, imagining how hard it might be for Emma to get over Lisa’s departure.
Aidan nodded. “I’m sure Lisa won’t want to give up her new job and I can’t, in clear conscience, ask her to do that simply because Emma is upset. So I guess I have to find someone to replace Lisa. But there won’t be any time of adjustment. I don’t see where I can have someone hired in enough time to work with Lisa before she leaves. I mean, I can’t be careless with this decision. The nanny has to be someone who is right for Emma.”
“What do you believe is the best answer for Emma?” Grace asked, seeing the defeated look in her husband’s eyes.
Aidan took her hand. “I wish I could answer that without making it sound as if I called you here because I am desperate and you’re the only person I can trust. Although that is the truth. There is no one I can call on to help me but you.” He got up, his body tense as he clenched his hands and paced the room.
She rose and stood beside him, in the middle of the hall, in their home, hearing Aidan’s words while her heart melted at the pain in his eyes. She’d been so absorbed in her own problems, her own feelings of loss and anxiety, she’d failed to realize that Aidan was struggling, too. Only he had a child to care for, regardless of how he was feeling. “What is it you want from me?”
“Grace, I have no right to ask this. You have had a real hard time because of me. But I’m desperate to make Emma happy. Yet I’m worried about her ability to cope with another loss in her life.”
His hand moved up her back, around her shoulders, pulling her into the safety of his arms as they stood together at the entrance to the living room, the room where they’d started to create their home, their new life together.
The memory of those early days of love and caring, and their dream of children filling every room, made her loss even stronger. Overcome with emotion she turned to face him, and the love in his eyes stole her thoughts.
“Would you be willing to be here while we talk to Emma? Emma really likes you. She might feel less upset if you were with her. It’s asking a lot, I know.”
Seeing the agony etched on his face, Grace had to look away. Her knees shaking, she made it to the sofa in the living room, thankful to be able to sit. Aidan followed, easing down beside her.
“Talk to me, Grace,” he said, his words coming out in a hoarse rasp. He reached for her hand.
Aidan’s body was so close to hers, his heat surrounded her, his hands offering her strength and certainty. She remembered the first days after Deidre’s death, her anguish at finding out her husband had had an affair, that there was a child from the relationship.
Her disbelief that he’d left her alone, uncared for, in his eagerness to meet his needs and those of his daughter. Those had been the worst days of her life.
Yet as she sat next to the man who had caused her so much agony, listening to his concern for Emma, she was at a loss as to what to do. If she refused to help him and walked out, their marriage would be over. If she stayed and helped him sort out his problems, she would once again be putting his needs ahead of hers. Rather than resolving their issues, she would be choosing to smooth things over for Emma’s sake.
Looking around at all the toys, the books, all the things that made a little girl happy, she realized that she had no right to withdraw her support. Not if it meant that someone as precious as Emma could benefit from her help.
Emma did not deserve to be caught between them over issues she had no knowledge of and events that had been out of her control from the beginning. This little girl had lost her mom, the worst thing that could have happened to her. Now Emma was about to lose the second most important person in her life. Someone she loved dearly and would miss so much.
There was only one thing Grace was certain of at this moment. What was going on between her and Aidan could not be allowed to destroy Emma’s happiness. “You said you were talking to her tomorrow morning?”
“Yes, but if you’re here and willing to be part of it, maybe we should talk to her this afternoon when they get back.”
“So, they could be here at any moment?” she asked, feeling pressured by the thought that her decision had to be quick.
“Yes. But we can wait, if you need more time.” He patted her hand, ran his fingers across her palm, driving her crazy with need.
Was she ready to be involved with him? Could she put aside her concerns and help him? If she did, this might be a place for them to start. If she didn’t, she might lose the one chance she had to get him back.
She’d spent all these days wanting him to come to her, to explain himself to her. She wanted him to face up to what he’d done. He hadn’t come to her in the way she’d wanted or expected. But he was here now with her, pleading for her help. She might not be willing to forgive him, but she was willing to help him for Emma’s sake. “I’ll stay. I’ll be here when they come back.”
He took her in his arms, kissing her so gently and with so much slow-burning passion, she was lost in his embrace. Wrapping her arms around him, she stroked his face, returning his kisses, her body arching to his. “Grace, I want to make love to you right this minute. Is that what you want?” he asked.
“Yes,” she breathed, her hands moving over his chest.
Sighing deeply, he whispered, “We would be upstairs now if I didn’t know that Emma and Lisa could be home any minute. But if we weren’t facing this situation at the moment…” He leaned back, pulling her into the crook of his arm, easing her head onto his shoulder. “I am so glad you’re here with me.”
For the first time in a long while, she felt hope flooding through her. “Emma deserves all the love and caring we can give her,” she said, feeling the impact of her words, the love growing in her heart for Emma.
Aidan hugged her close as he led her to the kitchen, walking side by side as they’d done so often before. “Let’s have a cup of coffee to celebrate. I’d like to have something stronger, but that can wait until we’re alone.”
The door to the garage opened. Emma stood there staring at them. “Daddy!”