It’s been two days since I found out Sam was pregnant with my child, and possibly moving to another state. Christ, the moment I read that letter, it felt like my guts had been fillets with a dull butter knife. All the betrayal I’d ever felt came back and stole the air from my lungs, shattering the trust that had been growing between us.
I glance in my rearview mirror, and the sight of Daisy makes my heart pound harder. She’s going to have a sibling. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around this insane turn of events. But isn’t having a family with Sam something I had been thinking about? I hadn’t been sure where she stood, and I had wanted to talk to her, to see if we could perhaps take our relationship to the next level.
But then I saw the letter. Talk about a kick to the teeth.
Then, if that wasn’t enough, that positive pregnancy stick just about did me in. I may have wanted Sam in my life, wanted to make a family with her, but to think she went and got pregnant without even consulting me, well…that’s some fucked-up shit.
She’s not like that.
I suck in a sharp breath as that thought pings around inside my rattled brain, and while there is a part of me that believes she’s kind, sweet and trustworthy, there’s another part of me that’s fucking scared.
“Daddy,” Daisy says, and I catch her pout.
“Yeah, kiddo,” I say in my happiest voice, despite the train wreck that I’ve become. Fuck man, I need to get my shit together. I have a child to think about.
“I miss Sam,” she whines.
Me too.
The truth is, I miss her so fucking much, I can’t even function. My mind goes back to all the time I spent with her. My heart beats faster, crashes against my chest. In the heat of the moment I reacted, said some pretty shitty things as my past came back to haunt me. I pinch my eyes shut as the vision of Sam fill’s my mind’s eye—her sweet smile, her generous nature. Why didn’t she tell me she was leaving, and with my child?
Maybe she’s not.
As that thought hits, I go over the events again. Truthfully, I’m not sure what is really going on anymore, but one thing I do know, is I need to talk to Sam, and this time I need to listen instead of jumping to all the worst conclusions, because that’s exactly what I did.
We stop in front of the daycare, and I park. Daisy waves to Scotty, who’s playing in the yard. Quinn, tanned from her long weekend in Mexico, glances up when she sees me, and her expression changes, the smile falling from her face.
I climb from the car, unbuckle Daisy, and guide her to the fenced-in yard, where kids are running around and playing on various pieces of equipment.
Quinn says something to one of her employees, gives Daisy a hug, and walks up to me.
“Let’s go,” she says.
“Go where?” I ask.
“Get in the car, Zander.” The chill in her voice is enough to frost my windows.
I stare at her for a second, confused by the way she’s acting. “Don’t you have to be here with the kids?”
She jerks her thumb out. “My assistants are qualified to watch the kids in my absence. Now get in.”
I climb into the driver’s seat and she gets in beside me, slamming her door with much more force than necessary. “Where to?” I ask, having no idea what’s going one or why she’s acting like she’s so pissed off at me.
Correction, she’s not acting. She’s completely and utterly pissed off at me. I never told her about Sam, so unless they had a conversation…
Ah, of course. That’s it. The two had undoubtedly talked. They are, after all, friends. Such good friends, my sister tried to set her up with her bartender friend, Todd.
Anger boils in my blood at the image of Sam with another other man. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one fucking bit.
Jesus, I am so fucked up.
“There’s a coffee shop, just around the corner.”
“I know it,” I say and pull into traffic. At the light, I take a left and drive a few more feet until the coffee shop is in view. I glance at Quinn, but she’s staring straight ahead, her gaze trained on the road. I ease my car into a parking spot, and she jumps out and darts into the coffee shop ahead of me. I follow her in, and Jonah waves us both over.
What the fuck is going on? Am I walking in to some kind of intervention?
Oh, fuck…I think I am.
I stop dead in my tracks. “What’s going on?” I ask.
“Sit,” Jonah says, and gestures to the cup of coffee waiting for me.
I hesitantly lower myself, take a drink from the takeout cup, and wait to see what this is all about.
“Sam is pregnant,” Quinn blurts out.
I take another sip and lower the cup. I fiddle with the plastic lid and meet my sister’s gaze straight on. “She told you?”
“Yes, she told me. She’s a wreck, Zander. And by the looks of things so are you.” She shakes her head, her gaze slowly moving over me. “God, when was the last time you combed your hair or shaved your face?”
I run my hand over my chin, and the bristles rustle.
Quinn points a finger and waves it up and down the length of me. “Look at your clothes.”
I glance down, and note the spaghetti stains on last night’s T-shirt. “Yeah, okay. I could use a shower and change of clothes.”
“If you love her, what’s the problem here?” Quinn asks.
My head jerks up. “Who says I love her?”
“I do,” Jonah pipes in, and folds his arms across his chest like he’s daring me to challenge him.
“So do I,” Quinn adds. “Look, I set her up with Todd on purpose. Todd is gay, Zander. He has a boyfriend.”
“What the hell?”
“He was doing me a favor. I wanted to see your reaction, and dammit, you nearly went caveman on the guy! And don’t think for a second that I don’t know what went on in that bathroom. Everyone was talking about it after you left.” She gives a low, slow whistle. “You’ve got it bad for her.”
I sink back into my chair and run my hand through my hair. “Did she tell you she was leaving? That she’s interviewing for a job in Texas?”
“Do you really believe that?” Quinn asks, and takes a pull from her cup, her eyes never leaving mine. “Did you stop for a second and listen to what she was trying to tell you?”
“No.” For the millionth time, my mind goes back to the letter I found on Sam’s kitchen table, to the horrible way I’d confronted her outside the bathroom. She’d started to say something but stopped when I noticed the stick. Was she trying to tell me she wasn’t leaving and I was too stupid, too angry, to listen?
I briefly close my tired eyes. Fuck, I haven’t slept properly in two days. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.” I only know Sam and I need to talk,
“Stop being such a chickenshit,” Jonah says, and I glare at him, ready to punch him in the fucking mouth. Then again, I probably said the same thing to him, when he was fighting his own demons where my sister was concerned.
“I’m not a chickenshit,” I say, and sit up a little straighter. I run my damp hands over my jeans and take deep breaths. Why does it feel like I’m suffocating in here?
Jonah scoffs, but then his eyes go serious. “No, what you are is a guy who cares so much about his daughter, he’s shut everyone out. But it’s not just your daughter you’re protecting.”
“You’re protecting yourself too, Zander.” Quinn reaches across the table, puts her hand over mine. “If anyone can understand what you’re going through, how afraid you are of putting your heart out there, only to get it stomped on again, it’s me.”
I meet my sister’s blue eyes, and a headache begins to brew at the base of my skull. I reach for my coffee with a shaky hand, but my throat is too tight to swallow. They’re not wrong. The truth is, for many years now, I have been afraid. Too scared to trust, too afraid of getting hurt.
“Quinn…” I begin, and let my words fall off. I have no idea what to say, or where to go from here. All I know is I made a big mistake and somehow have to fix it.
“You love her, Zander,” she says, a statement, not a question.
My heart squeezes, and I pinch the bridge of my nose as everything I feel for Sam wells up inside me, clogs my throat to the point of pain. “She’s having my baby.”
You were the one who first forgot the condom, dude.
“You’re so afraid, you pushed her from your life before she could disappear from yours,” Quinn says.
Jesus, when did my sister get so smart. I shake my head, so goddam proud of the woman she is today.
“It’s time to stop pushing, Zander. Great things can happen when you do.” She leans into Jonah, and he wraps his arms around her, the love they have for each other filling the space between us.
I swallow down the bile punching into my throat as I consider what she’s saying to me. Had I sabotaged us on purpose? Had I left her before she could leave us?
“Do you honestly think Sam is the type of girl to trick you, use you to get a baby, and then disappear?” Quinn asks softly.
“No,” I say with total confidence as I think about Sam, and the horrible things I said to her. Embarrassment, regret and shame fill me, and I don’t try to tamp it down. I deserve to feel miserable. I lashed out from fear, and I fucking hate myself for it. She deserved better from me.
“Neither do I,” Quinn says quietly.
“Fuck me,” I say, and plant my elbows on the table. I press my palms into my eyes until I see stars. “What the fuck have I done?” My throat gurgles, and I take deep gulping breaths. When it comes right down to it, I’m no better than her other boyfriends, or her ex-fiancé. I blamed her for all of this, yet I was the one who forgot the condom that first time.
Sam is kind, compassionate…a woman who put her darkest secrets as well as her body into my hands. She is a woman to be trusted, one without a secret agenda. She opened herself up to Daisy and me, bringing us both into her childhood home, gifting us with family and friends and allowing us to be a part of something very special. Sam is a woman full of love and devotion, and Daisy and I, for a short time, were lucky enough to be a part of that.
What she isn’t is a woman who ruins relationship.
No, the men in her life do that. They’re responsible.
I’m responsible.
“I totally fucked up,” I murmur around a tongue gone thick.
“Yeah, you did,” Jonah says. “And now it’s time to fix it.”
“I’m sure she hates me. I was an asshole. Fuck, man, the things I said.” I grip my coffee cup. “I even asked her if the baby was mine.”
Jonah cringes, and whispers, “Jesus, that’s bad.”
“You need to talk to her,” Quinn says. “Just like you, she’s hurting, Zander.”
“I never meant to hurt her. I…I love…love her,” I say, tripping on my words as I allow my heart to fill with hope.
“I know.”
“She’s having my baby, Quinn,” I say, as my pulse pounds hard against my throat.
She’s having my baby.
“I love her,” I say, allowing myself to get excited about the future. “I love her so fucking much.”
Quinn grins at me and sits up a little straighter. “I don’t think we’re the ones you should be telling that to.”
“She’d never…believe me. God, I was such a…a fucking prick.” As I stumble over my words again, another thought hits—and I hate myself even more.
Christ, after I’d accused her of horrible things, she fought for her words…not because she was deceiving me or trying to come up with a lie, but because her stutter came back.
She wasn’t hedging at all. I treated her like shit, and her voice faltered because her emotions got the better of her.
“If I were her, I’d never forgive me.”
“You once told me you were a lover not a fighter, remember that?” Jonah asks.
“Yeah,” I say. It was the day I’d told him to stop being an asshole and go fight for Quinn.
“It’s time for you to be a fighter, Zander, and fight for what you want.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly as an idea takes shape. “You’re right.” I’m not sure if what I’m about to do will work, but if I have to tie her to the bed and grovel until she accepts my apology and agrees to be mine, then so be it.