14

I turned off the engine and sat there a minute staring at the front of the inn.

Bailey had decorated the porch with pumpkins and strands of autumn leaves. Crocheted afghans were draped in cozy abandon over the rockers.

I’d intended to jump out and knock on the door.

She came outside and waved hello. She motioned me up to the porch and then sat down in one of the rockers.

The knot in my stomach twisted like a vise. A gust of wind blew dead leaves up the steps as I ascended. I stumbled and wobbled like a drunken sailor crunching the leaves. They released the woodsy scent that Bailey loved. Her favorite time of year. Maybe I’d better do this somewhere else, some other time. No, best get it over with.

She reached for my hand as I took the top step. I avoided her eyes as I sat in the rocker next to her, not taking her hand.

“Bailey, I have to tell you something. I don’t know how to tell you, so I’m just going to spit it out.” I took off my cap and crushed it between my hands.

“Are you all right?” She leaned toward me, fear dulling those beautiful eyes.

“Yes, as far as I know, health-wise.” I continued wringing my cap into a lump.

“Whew, good. By the look on your face, I thought maybe bad news.” She blew out a relieved wisp of air.

“It’s us. That’s the bad news. I’m sorry, sorrier than you’ll ever know, but it’s not going to work out.” A stabbing pain jabbed my chest and threatened to choke me. This felt worse than the heart attack.

“What do you mean? The wedding? We can still put it off if you need more time. I don’t mind, sweetheart, whatever it takes.” She rubbed my arm.

“No, not just the wedding. I mean us. It’s not going to work out. I...” I stopped. My shallow breathing made my chest heave.

“You’re...you’re breaking up with me?” Bailey turned her head sideways, eyes wide. She sat back in the rocker and drew the afghan around her shoulders.

“Yes, I’m sorry. I’m not up to a relationship, there’s just no way of knowing what’s going to happen.” Now I knew what it felt like to be the biggest jerk in the world.

“You mean…not ever? I don’t understand. Baby, do you mean that you don’t love me anymore?” She tightened the afghan and crossed her arms. Tears sprang to her eyes.

Don’t love you? The only thing there is that’s left of me is that I love you. I looked that thought straight into her eyes, but I wouldn’t say it. There was no use giving her hope. She’d get over it; she needed to marry someone strong and worth the trouble.

“I’m sorry, so sorry. Please forgive me.” I stood to leave. As I passed her, she reached for my hand. I stopped and turned to her.

“Please, Scott, don’t do this.” Tears spilled onto her face. “We’ll figure it all out. The Lord will help us. Please, sit down and let’s talk about it, pray about it.”

I pulled her hand to my cheek, willing myself to remember her smiling, not in pain and tears. The silk of her hand reminded me of what I’d looked forward to so much, and would now never have. I didn’t deserve her, and she sure didn’t deserve this.

Focus on something else. I looked at the top of my worn boots. Make them turn and walk away. One step toward the stairs. She wouldn’t let go of my hand. I wrenched it loose, put my head down, and walked away.