7

We stayed home from school the next day, ate crackers and cheese, and listened to the radio. I started to write to my father but stopped, because what if my mother came home today, or tomorrow? What if I wrote and he came all the way home from Baltimore and my mother was home already?

The ice had melted and the hamburger that had been sitting on top of it turned brown. It didn’t smell too good, but I dumped it into a pan and broke an egg on top of it. Bubber had his nose under my elbow. “Get me salt and pepper. Get the bread.”

“The meat is stinky.”

“Get the ketchup.”

“I won’t eat it.”

“This is special. Mother Tolley’s Deluxe Hash.” I stirred the meat grandly with a fork, shook in pepper and salt. My stomach was growling. The pan was too hot and the meat began to smoke. I turned down the fire, then, without thinking, I grabbed the hot handle. I dropped the pan and meat scattered on the floor.

“It’s dirty.”

“Is it my fault!” My fingers stung like fire. I smeared butter on them. “Go ahead,” I yelled, “eat anything you want.”

I ran to the bathroom and stuck my hand under the cold water. There was a white line across the palm. I smeared zinc ointment on it, then wrapped a bandage around it. I saw my face in the mirror. I felt mean and ugly. My hair was falling into my mean, squinty eyes. I was sick of being in charge and taking care of Bubber.

Bubber was still by the stove, standing there like I’d whipped him. He was picking at the meat in the sink. I tasted a piece. It had a nice charred taste, like mickies right out of the fire. I spooned everything together in the pan and put it on the table with bread and ketchup. “Okay, let’s eat.”

Bubber stared at the wall.

“Come on,” I said. “Nobody ever yelled at you before? You don’t take some, I’ll eat it all myself.”

He slapped me. “That tickles,” I said. He punched me a couple of times hard before he sat down to eat.

“It’s good, isn’t it?”

He opened his mouth and let me look at the chewed-up meat on his tongue.

For dessert I made chocolate pudding, burned that, too, but Bubber was getting to appreciate my style of cooking. He said it tasted good.

After we ate, I thought about going out. I hadn’t seen my friends all day. I looked down into the courtyard. Then I went into the other room and looked out to the street. Back and forth. I’d go out when Bubber was asleep.

At the table, Bubber was drawing and telling himself Tarzan stories. “Now he jumps in the river. Uh-oh, here comes the alligator. But look how fast Tarzan swims. Nobody can swim as fast as Tarzan!”

“Okay,” I said. “Stop. Time to go to bed.”

“Splash. Splash. Splash. Splash. Tarzan jumps out of the water. I have to do my homework, Tolley.”

“What homework? They don’t give homework in first grade.” He never did anything when my mother was home. Now he wanted to read his book. I had to sit with him and help him sound out the words. Fifteen minutes was enough for me. “Okay, get ready for bed.”

No, first we had to play Lone Ranger and Silver. I was Silver. I got down on my hands and knees and he climbed on me. He dug his knees into my sides. We rode to the other room where Tonto was waiting. Then we had to hit the trail after the bad guys. “Hi-ho, Silver!” And the great white horse went galloping to the toilet.

I finally told him, “You want to see Momma tomorrow, you’ve got to go to bed.”

“Is she coming home?”

“She’d better. One more day of you is all I can stand.”

I said he could sleep in Momma’s bed. I had to get on the bed, too, and we listened to The Shadow on the radio. Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? It was a good story. Margo was trapped, but the Shadow rescued her. The Shadow knows.…

Bubber fell asleep listening. He had his feet over me. I was careful getting out of bed. I turned off the radio, carried my shoes to the door and went out.

It was late. There was nobody by the first candy store. Nate was taking in the papers, getting ready to close up. I walked up toward the subway. Most of the stores were shut. The drugstore was open on the next corner. I waited by the delicatessen under the tracks for the next train from downtown. What was I waiting for? I didn’t expect my mother, but I stood there and waited.

When the train came into the station, a handful of people got off. A woman came down the stairs. She was wearing a leopard-skin coat and a matching hat. My mother didn’t have a coat like that, but there was something about her that made me think of my mother. I started toward her—I was happy. But it was just a woman. After that I went home.

The minute I came off the street and into the courtyard, I heard Bubber crying. He was standing in front of the open window, bawling like a cat. “Momma … Momma … Momma …”

I called up to him. “Shhh!” I didn’t want the whole house to hear. “I’m here, shhh. Shut up.” I ran up the stairs, fell and banged my knee. Then I had to fumble around for my key because he didn’t have the brains to open the door.

“What’s the matter with you?” I said, when I finally got in. “What are you broadcasting for? You want everyone to know what a baby you are?” That’s what he looked like, a pouty, sticky-eyed baby. “I only went down for a second. I came back, didn’t I? What did you wake up for? I heard you all the way out in the street. What are you afraid of? I left the light on.”

He burped. It smelled like burned meat.

“I have a right to go downstairs. I don’t have to be with you every second. Clam up, will you?” I mixed Ovaltine with water. There was no milk in the house. It tasted terrible and I spilled it down the drain.

Later, I lay in bed. The light came in from the street. Somebody had a radio on. I heard a woman shouting and I thought of my mother, and my grandmother all by herself. Tomorrow, if my mother wasn’t here I was going to go to the hospital. My mother would tell me what to do. Come home, I’d say. You can stay in bed, Momma, and give the orders. I’ll cook, do the shopping. I’ll take care of Bubber, too. Tonight’s not a good example, Momma.

I pulled the blankets over my ears. The last thing I remembered was thinking about breakfast. I’d make oatmeal with raisins and brown sugar.