Hard Lesson to Learn
The words that came from her five and nine year old daughters' mouths were more than Kanesha could handle. She turned and went in her room and sat on her bed, wondering how she could have been so stupid to focus all of her attention on men who never cared anything about her. Kanesha's head began to hurt as all the lessons her mother had been trying to teach her over the years raced through her mind. She couldn't keep living like this; her daughters would end up being just like her when they grew up. Kanesha worried that they would resent her. She couldn't let that happen.
Kanesha fixed her eyes on a pair of Percy's ugly cowboy boots and heard the voice in her head again, 'Put your kid's needs before your wants.' Kanesha began to realize that if she just focused on their needs, she would have realized Shakayla's childhood was being cut short because of the responsibilities forced upon her. Brianna was silently crying out for her attention by trying to be perfect. Malisha was forming a thick skin, and poor little Jordan didn't understand any of it, yet.
Kanesha went to lie across her bed. She cried for damaging her children. Tears flowed for the loss of her father for the first time in years. She wondered if she had been looking for a man to replace her father, but dismissed it with the logic that they don't make 'em like her daddy anymore. Her father was strong, hard working, God fearing and dedicated to his family. Kanesha knew she had to make things right and stop hating the life she'd made for herself. If not, she risked her kids hating her one day. "No time like the present to begin a new way of life," said Kanesha.
Kanesha dried her eyes, blew her nose and felt an amazing strength wash over her. She decided it was time to make a positive change in her way of thinking and in her life. She swung the bedroom door open and shouted Percy's name as she made her way to the living room where he was.
"What's wrong with you screaming like that?" snapped Percy.
"Get up, get your hand full of stuff and leave," instructed Kanesha.
"Leave? What you mean, leave? Don't you know who I am by now?"
"Yea, Percy, I know exactly who you are. Let's see; where should I start?"
"Start what?" Percy asked with a perplexed look plastered on his aged face.
"Telling you who you are. In the time I've known you, all you've done is take from me and my kids," shouted Kanesha angrily.
"Witch, I ain't took nothin' from you. You ain't got nothin' fo nobody to take."
"Oh, I got a roof over ya head, I got a bed fo you to lay in every night. I got a couch for you to engrave a butt groove in." Kanesha picked up the couch cushion and threw it on the floor. "I got food fo’ you to eat-up, gas, lights and water for ya use. Now, what ya old butt got besides arthritis in your back? You can't even please me the right way."
"Look, Kanesha, you need to calm down so we can straighten this out. I know you mad, but I'm gon' pay you back." Percy offered another empty promise in a pleading voice.
"When, partner, and with what? You been not lookin' for a job since I met you and ya bill is past due and got interest applied to it."
"Kanesha, baby, I got a job lined up this week. I'm just waiting for him to get at me."
"Get at you? Shoot, you forty something years old and ain't figured out yet that you have to get at a job; a job don't get at you."
"I'ma pay you everything and some. I just need a little more time," begged Percy.
"You ain't done anything for me since you followed me home like a lost puppy. Got my stupid behind walking around with a black eye and sore jaw! Now you jeopardizing my job and keeping me from providing for my babies. I'm straight on ya sorry, butt. I finally realize that I can do bad all by myself," fired Kanesha.
She stood and glared into Percy's eyes waiting for his comeback. When none came, Kanesha figured he was done pleading and begging for another chance. Kanesha was fully prepared for what came next.
"To heck with you and all dem kids you got. Call they daddy, I mean daddies, for whatever it is they need. Oh, that's right; it's one Dad for each bastard child. Forget you and dem kids."
Bam!
Kanesha knocked Percy in the chest with a baseball bat she had been holding behind her. Percy had hit her once and gotten away with it, but Kanesha would commit herself to the nut house before she allowed it to happen again without a fight.
Percy caught himself from falling by holding on to the wall behind him. After catching his balance, Percy smacked Kanesha, causing her to stumble.
"Aw, punk, you done lost ya mind!" shouted Byron. Kanesha and Percy had been so caught up in their argument, that neither of them heard Byron and Brianna come into the house.
Byron body slammed Percy and began punching him with as much force as he could muster.
"Sucker, I'll kill you over mine," proclaimed Byron. He continued to pummel Percy as all four kids began crying and screaming at the sight. "What, partner? Hit me da way you hit a woman! What, partner, what?"
"Daddy, Daddy stop. Please stop," cried Brianna.
"Mommy, do something, he's going to kill him," begged Shakayla.
Jordan cried because his sisters were crying. Malisha smiled at the sight because she never liked Percy. He was mean to her, and her sisters, and brother. Plus, he was always grumpy.
Percy lay on the hardwood floor with blood oozing from his mouth, nose and ears.
"Stop, please make it stop, Mommy!" Brianna screamed.
"Byron, stop! Stop, Byron, he got the message," Kanesha reluctantly said. She was grateful for Byron's arrival and thanked God that he cared enough about her to intervene.
"Get out and you betta go a different way than the one I take 'cause if I ever see you again, it will take a DNA test to identify ya sorry behind!" Byron stood just inches away from Percy as he spoke. Though he didn't want to upset the kids any further, Byron hoped Percy would make a wrong move so he would have a reason to beat his weak opponent some more.
Percy stumbled over and over before he was finally able to stand on his feet. A trail of blood followed him as he walked toward the door Kanesha proudly held open for him.
After throwing the drawer holding all of Percy's worldly possessions out on the lawn, Kanesha and Byron calmed the children down. It took two hours to convince the kids that Percy was not coming back and that they were safe. The kids only fell asleep after Byron promised to stay the night and watch out for them.
Kanesha felt like a complete and total failure after seeing the light by which her daughters saw her. For the past nine years, Kanesha made herself believe she was being a good mother. She had always fed and kept them clean, made sacrifices for them, made certain they had all of their shots and worked hard every year to give them a Christmas to be proud of. Over the years, she colored with them, played jump rope and dribbled basketballs. In her heart, Kanesha thought she was giving her best to them, but she had just received a complete eye opener.
Having her children look up to her was important. She wanted to be their hero, the back bone and the shining light in their lives. She wanted to provide her children with the type of life her parents had given her. A life free of financial worries and the belief that all blessings shower down from the heavens above. Before the car crash and the tragic death of her father, the Brooks family was very active in their church. Kanesha had been a member of the youth choir and volunteered in the church nursery during Sunday morning devotion.
Cynthia did the best she could to teach Kanesha how to lean on God during their grieving, but Kanesha's anger toward Him was blinding. Instead of turning toward God for comfort and strength at her most vulnerable time, Kanesha rebelled and promised herself she would never forgive Him for taking her father from her. As Kanesha's heart began to lighten, so did the weight on her shoulders. Kanesha knew her life was lacking substance because she failed to do as God would have her do.
The recent events in her life made Kanesha see she had failed to put God first. Shakayla, Malisha, Brianna and Jordan needed to know Jesus and the ultimate sacrifice He made for them. Kanesha knew it was her responsibility to introduce her children to the almighty, for she was responsible for their souls. She had to be a living testament to the love of God. She promised herself she would turn her life around and reconnect with her Savior. Jesus wept, whispered the voice in her head.
After the drama with Percy calmed down, Byron insisted on staying the night. Kanesha tried to convince him to leave after the kids fell asleep, but Byron wouldn't hear of it. Deep inside, Kanesha was relieved he stayed because his presence made her feel safe. There was no telling where Percy's head was at, and Kanesha was afraid he might return to hurt her.
Byron and Kanesha got little sleep that night. They talked about Percy, Kanesha's revelation on the damage she had done to her children, and her determination to change. For a while, Kanesha rested her head on Byron's lap and cried tears of relief.
"Don't cry, girl. You know I can't stand to see a woman cry." Byron stroked Kanesha's back to soothe her tears.
"I'm sorry, but sometimes our souls need a good cry," sniffed Kanesha. "That's one lesson from my mom that I've recently come to understand."
"What does that mean?"
"Remember growing up, and your mom telling you things that you didn't understand at the time? Especially as a teenager, when you thought you knew it all and later discovered that you knew nothing at all."
Byron laughed and shook his head. "I wish I could go back to being taken care of by my moms," joked Byron.
"I hope you don't think I'm crazy, but while Percy was here, this voice in my head kept talking to me," explained Kanesha.
"I know you ain't going crazy on me." Byron raised his right eye brow and lowered his eye lids, waiting for Kanesha to respond.
"No, all I'm saying is that some of the things my mother tried to teach me are coming back to me. I finally understand what she was trying to say."
"That's what's up; I feel you," replied Byron.
The two went on to talk about their relationship, the kids and their future. Before long, Kanesha and Byron were entwined in each other's arms kissing passionately. Kanesha's body was warm and hungry for what she knew Byron could give her, but her heart was not into the moment. Unlike all of the other times when her body wanted one thing and her mind another, Kanesha was determined not to take the easy way out. She listened to her mind and stopped things before they went too far.
"Stop, Byron, this isn't right," sighed Kanesha, while pushing herself away from Byron to put some space between them.
"What?" asked Byron as his hands continued to roam over familiar terrain. "Why we got to stop, girl? You know I won't hurt you."
"No, Byron, we're moving too fast. I appreciate you coming to my rescue earlier, and it means the world to me that you care enough to sit with me and the kids tonight, but this isn't right." Kanesha stood up and walked across the room in an attempt to find the right words. The last thing she wanted to do was cause another scene. "For years, I've been looking for a man to take care of me. Each time I was left with a baby and a broken heart. It's time for me to grow up and make a change. The voice in my head wasn't just that of my mother's, it was also the Lord trying to get my attention." Kanesha paced the floor, searching for the right words to get Byron to understand her sudden change. Her voice sounded nervous but her heart and soul felt free and proud. "As much as my body wants to be intimate with you, my soul needs more. I'm done with the one night stands and using my body as if I never had any home training. So, if that's what you want, I can't give it to you."
Kanesha looked at Byron, trying to read his face for some type of reaction to her words. She knew Byron was surprised by her new found self-respect because so was she. Byron's face was blank, but his eyes were soft and caring.
Kanesha rejoined Byron on the couch and looked deep into his eyes. "If you want to be with me, in a relationship with me, you have to put on the brakes and slow things down. At the end of the day, if we are meant to be, we will have built a foundation on which to stand."
"Wow, that's deep," was Byron's only response as he sat staring into Kanesha's eyes.
"I pray you understand where I'm coming from, but if you don't, there are no bad feelings. We'll always be cool, no matter what."
"I feel you, baby girl. You making it hard on a brotha, for sho', but I respect where you coming from. We did rush things when we first got together, and you don't ever stress me like those others chicks that got my babies. We can move as slow and steady as you want, just tell me what you need from me," smiled Byron.
Kanesha let out a sigh of relief and wrapped her arms around Byron's neck and held him tight. Kanesha was leery of Byron's willingness to move slow, but if she could change, who's to say he couldn't change as well. "Thank you, Byron. We can just spend some time talking and spending time together before we get all serious. I've had my kids around enough men to last a lifetime."
"It's cool, I ain't trippin. Get out a deck of cards and let me beat you down in some Tonk right quick," requested Byron.
"You still want to stay here tonight?" asked a stunned Kanesha.
"I said we were cool, didn't I? Anyway, if that fool Percy decides to come back, I want to be the one to welcome him in. I can sleep on the couch and take the girls to grab some shoes before dropping them off to school in the morning." He reached into his pocket and pulled out some cash. "Here, take this fifty and let them take school pictures like everybody else. Don't be scared to ask for something the kids need, understand?" Byron maintained a steady and serious stance while talking, to let Kanesha know he was serious about his. Just when it looked like Kanesha was about to burst into tears, Byron cracked a smile and asked, "What's up with those cards, girl? And grab me a beer while you up."
Kanesha did as she was told with a smile on her face and gratitude in her heart.