“So you have a family after all,” the First Queen says.
Perhaps.
“You are wise to look into them, but I’m fairly certain they’re your parents.”
I plop into a sitting position, ignoring the look she gives me that says I’m not using my manners. “How can you be sure?” I ask.
“They knew about your mole. But more than that, there’s something about the way they look and feel that’s familiar. Especially Shillian.”
“You think she’s my mother?”
“I do.”
I can’t trust it until Jem and Wilric return with confirmation.
“You’ve been through so much. I don’t blame you, but maybe have a little faith.”
“You think I should trust them, then?”
She hesitates.
“So I’m right to be cautious.”
“Perhaps. I distrust them partly because you do, and partly because we know nothing about them. Being cautious is worth considering.”
Before she can bring up anything else, I say, “What do you think of the law changes?”
Her presence seems to swell, becoming bigger than ever, though her actual size stays the same. “You are becoming a ruler.”
And yet it has been a rough path, with too many things getting in the way of my caring for the country.
“You have had a difficult journey since becoming queen. I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. Relax. Let me take over.” Her words are soothing.
I take a deep breath and let it out in one giant whoosh. “What would you have me do?”
She smiles. “I'm always here to help, even with your life.”
“How can I do that? You’re just here, in my mind. In my dreams.”
“And yet you’ve felt my presence at other times, when you’ve needed me.”
“I have.”
“Then let me guide you.”
After Daros, it’s hard to have anyone guiding me, but she’s nothing like him. “I’ll try.”
“That’s all I ask.”
I wake refreshed. Excited for the day. The First Queen may have faith in others, but I withhold judgment. Besides, today I get to go outside the palace walls. That, in and of itself, is reason for celebration.
After jumping out of bed, I put on a pair of black pants and a cream top. There are lots of belts for weapons, but the day is hot enough I won’t be able to wear my cloak without suspicion. Instead, I hide my daggers inside my pockets and in my knee-high boots—safe enough to go out in public, but not so I’ll frighten anyone.
I pull the rope that lets Inkga know I’m ready for her. This room came equipped with one. It’s not something I usually use, but I’m anxious to get started today.
I move over to the dark walnut vanity and brush my hair. It’s lighter than before. Almost as if I’ve been spending time in the sun, and not the night, roaming the roof and exercising. My eyes are bright, and my cheeks have some color. I look like myself, but not. Like a different person has taken a hold of me. And I suppose it's true. I’m not the quavering girl I once was. Even with Daros still out there, I’m fearing him less in the weeks that have passed with no sign of him.
It’s the longest I’ve gone without him controlling me. Apparently, it’s reflecting well on me. If only it would last. I flick a finger at my reflection. I shouldn’t be so negative. It’s hard not to give into what I’ve been my entire life, though. Today, though, I’m going to make a difference. I’m going to look my people in the eye as their queen, not Shadow Wraith, and tell them the truth about Daros.
I square my shoulders. Today, I’m giving myself and my city power over my fears.
It’s not much longer before there’s a knock on my door and Inkga enters.
“Morning, Ryn. You’re up early this morning.” She has a bigger grin than usual.
It's so nice to have someone use my name like I asked. “I wanted to get an early start. What are you so excited about?”
She comes behind me, takes the brush from me, and does amazing things with my hair. “Nothing more than you going out today. You’ve been wanting to go for a while.”
“How did you figure that out? I haven’t said anything.”
“You didn’t need to. You’ve been restless.” She pins up my hair and weaves a thin crown into it.
“I admit I am looking forward to it.” I think about Shillian and Carver. “Do you know if there’s any news from Jem or Wilric?”
“There isn’t. And before you ask—yes, I know about the two who say they are your parents. What do you think?”
I pinch my fingers together, then hurrying to relax them. I shrug. “I suppose I will know more when Jem and Wilric return.”
“I hope they bring good tidings. You deserve some of that and more people who care about you as more than the queen.”
Like her. She does a great job of caring about me, regardless of who I am now and despite what I’ve done in the past. How does she do that? Why does she care? I’m not brave enough to question her about it. At least not now when the morning is so bright. “I can’t be sure they aren’t here only because I’m the queen.”
“Did you ask them about it?” She pulls up the last lock of hair and pins it in place. The result is a simple but elegant hairstyle that will stay in place all day.
“You’re a genius with hair, among other things.” When did I get so praise-y? I turn so I can look at her, instead of through the mirror. I give her the reason they gave me for not coming to visit sooner. “But it doesn’t mean anything. They might still just want an in with the queen, whether or not they’re my parents.”
She sighs. “I wish life had taught you better than to be cynical.”
Me too.
“What else do you need from me this morning?” she asks. “Should I call up breakfast?”
“Sorry. You’ll have to eat without me today. I can’t eat a bite.” Is it because of excitement of going out and spending the day with Nash and those in Indell, or worry over my so called parents? Either way, food is not on the agenda.
“If you’re sure.” She moves to make the bed.
I feel guilty, having her do so, but she gets mad when I do it. Says I’m going to put her out of a job. I can’t have one of my very few friends not be around anymore, so I let her have her way. “Positive.”
I almost ask her why she stays around me, but I stop myself. What if it’s only because it’s her job? Besides, this morning I’m focusing on Daros. His capture—if not by me, then by anyone else. He can’t hide forever if he’s going to stay in my country.
After giving my goodbyes, I make my way out into the sitting room, and then the hall. Guards line the corridor, dressed in their steel plates, black capes, pants, and high boots. Jaku is among them. Nash is not.
“I thought you’d be here for an early start,” Jaku says. “I’ve got guards undercover as people out in the crowds today. Probably the only people out and about this early. Are these enough to join you as the royal guard?”
Too many. “They should do. Where’s Nash?”
Jaku shrugs, looking casual, but his eyes tighten with what looks like worry. “I haven’t seen him this morning.”
My gut wrenches. For a moment, I’m back to the day he was taken. Before that, he was always ready before I was. I steady myself. He’s likely still in bed. Ever since he was brought back, he’s been sleeping in as much. I thought it was because he wasn’t my Head Advisor, and he felt awkward being around, but now he’s resumed his duties, I can’t be certain.
“Very well.” I almost say we’ll go without him, but I can’t bring myself to. I want him near, not just because I enjoy being with me, but also because of his skills and his discerning thoughts. “We’ll go fetch him, then.”
Jaku nods. The guards fall in order around me as we head out. Those around me are familiar, even if I don’t know all of their names. Julina, Eldim, Afet, and Jaku, I know by name. Wilric is absent, hopefully on the errand I sent him on and not out as one of the guards in the crowd.
We make our way through the palace, taking the shortest path possible to get to the barracks. The way is silent. I’m lonely, despite being surrounded by others. I’m grateful it’s early, and we don’t pass anyone in the halls.
Especially Shillian and Carver.
The grounds outside have a little more action. Guards are sparing, practicing, and patrolling. There are more now than ever before. Jaku insist, after Nash was found and Ranen almost killed him. He seems to think my life and the lives of those around me are in danger all the time. Then again, maybe that’s how Jaku got his position. And maybe that’s why Daros hasn’t been able to kidnap another person close to me. Ranen may have been the main culprit behind the last kidnapping, but Daros was there and knew hurting someone close to me worked. It wouldn’t surprise me if he tried it again.
Perhaps it’s time to give Jaku a raise.
We head straight for the commander’s barracks, where Nash lives. After he healed from his more serious injuries, he insisted in moving out of the palace and back to his old room. As we near, I hear a man scream.
I don’t think. I run.
I shove my way past the guards, who must be too stunned to do anything? The fact that they aren't moving doesn't make me stop and think; it makes me move faster. Adrenaline makes my flight quick. My guards’ footsteps thud after me, and Jaku calls me back, but I press on.
If that’s Nash…
Someone could be hurting him again or trying to take him. I have to get to him. I have to save him from more harm. I rush through the open door, boots pounding on the wooden floor. The screaming gets louder.
I have a throwing dagger out, ready to use. With the other hand, I open the door to Nash’s room. It slams against the wall.
My heart sinks past my feet. No one is attacking Nash. He’s thrashing in bed, calling out in his sleep. I heave a sigh, wishing there was something I could do. He’s having a nightmare.
“Nash,” I call out, wishing I could wake him. With the others trailing in the room after me, it would be his death sentence if I touched him. “Nash.”
When he doesn’t respond, I turn to the closest guard. Julina. “Wake him.”
She doesn’t speak, just acts. She’s by his side in an instant, shaking him awake while softly calling his name. His eyes pop open, a glassiness to them, and his hand darts out and takes Julina by the neck. Afet jumps forward and tries to pry her free from Nash’s grip.
My stomach roils. “It’s all right, Nash. It’s us. You were having a nightmare.”
His face is white as he punches Afet in the face.
Afet darts back.
“Nash!” I scream at the top of my lungs.
Finally, he stops. The glaze over his eyes fades. His face grows paler as he lets go of Julina, who gasps for air and coughs. His voice is small. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
She waves him away, even as she continues coughing.
Afet’s gaze darts from me to Nash.
I kneel by Julina but make certain not to touch her. Not being able to touch anyone that's not assisting me with something important to my daily needs or my life is a pain. “Are you all right?”
She nods and chokes out, “Fine.”
“Afet? You?” I ask.
“I’m good.”
I glance at Nash, who’s looking at the wall away from us. “Everyone out. Take care of Julina and Afet. Speak of this to no one.”
“Your Majesty, I must insist on staying with you,” Jaku says.
“He’s awake. No one else is in here. I’ll be fine.”
He opens his mouth but closes it again and helps Julina out of the room. I shut the door after them and turn back to Nash. He’s still looking away from me, the covers twisted around his legs. He’s wearing a thin night shirt and pants. The fewest clothes I’ve seen him in. I knew he had muscles, but they’re even more apparent without his armor on. My cheeks heat as my gaze flits over him.
I turn my gaze away, a quick look at his room. There’s not much here other than the bed, just a dresser with small knickknacks carved out of wood. Did he make those? Or someone else?
“Nash?” I keep my voice soft.
“I don’t want you here.” His words are ragged.
I recoil.
He’s hurting. How would I feel if I awoke to find myself choking a friend? Ashamed and embarrassed. Is that what he’s feeling?
“It’s all right. I’ll leave. We heard screaming and came to see what was wrong,” I say.
“I’m fine.”
Clearly. “Are you still planning on going to town with us?” With me?
He lets out a great sigh, which moves his broad chest. I want to rest my head there. Give him comfort and whisper words of encouragement.
But I’m all too aware that he doesn’t want me here.
“I need to change, and then I’ll be out.” His voice is hoarse.
“All right. I’ll be outside.” I ache to touch him, but after the way he treated Afet and Julina and the way he’s acting now, I’m scared, too. Not that he’ll hurt me, but that he’ll reject me.
I give him one last glance—he’s still staring at that stupid wall—and leave the room.