“Shillian Nilmac here, requesting an audience, Your Majesty,” Kada says.
She doesn’t often come personally to tell me these things, but she must think my mother’s ask for an audience is worth attending to in person.
When was the last time I saw my mother? It’s been a long time. I don’t want to see her again, but part of me is curious. What is it she wants?
Most of all, do I want to reconcile with her?
By all accounts, she hasn’t been doing anything suspicious, but it’s hard to trust her. Hard to believe she wants what’s best for me. “Did she say what she wanted?”
Kada shakes her head. “There was no word, other than that she wished to visit with you.”
I glance at Eldim in the corner. If I agreed to see her, at least I wouldn’t be alone. I have others here, and it’s unlikely that she’d try to hurt me.
Kada says. “She’s been quite insistent on seeing you.”
“But you can’t get out of her why she wants to see me?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Send her in.” Where did those words come from? I’m not certain they were mine. Does the First Queen want Shillian in because she’s a danger to me? Or am I the one who wants to see her?
“Very well.” Kada bows and is out of the room.
If I could walk, I’d pace now. It would do some good to stretch out my legs and get my worries worked out. I don’t know how to deal with her coming. Instead, I drum my fingers, trying to think of what Shillian could want.
There’s a knock. I’m about to find out. I stop drumming my fingers as Kada peeks her head in.
“Shillian Nilmac, Your Highness,” she says.
My mother enters the room, her gaze not leaving me even as she curtsies. “It’s so good to see you well, Ryn.”
I almost snap at her not to call me Ryn, but I was the one who told her to call me that in the first place. Better than the birth name she gave me, Keera. I’m mostly angry she thinks I look well when I’m stuck in this chair. “What is it you want?” I ask.
She flinches.
My tone was a bit harsh, but I have a hard time caring.
“I wanted to make certain you were well,” she says. “I heard about the attack and was worried for your safety.”
Is that all, or does she have some hidden agenda? “Or you were hoping I was about to die.”
She flinches. “I deserve that. I know it’s hard for you to understand, after everything you’ve been through, but I want what’s best for you. I want to know you’re safe and taken care of, even if I can’t be the one to do it.”
“You proved that by giving me to Daros.”
She hangs her head. “I can never tell you how sorry I am, but it’s true that I am. I wish so much that things could be different.”
Why do I feel like I kicked a puppy? I soften my voice. “I wish things could be different too.”
She looks up, eyes wet with unshed tears. “Do you think you can ever forgive me? I promise I knew nothing about Carver’s plan to betray you. If I did, I would have done everything in my power to stop him. You’re my daughter, and I haven’t protected you like I should.”
No, she hasn’t.
It’s such a confusing array of emotions. I don’t know whether I want to welcome her back into my life or throw her in the same prison cell as Carver. I stare at her, trying to decide her fate in a way that’s fair to us both. I don’t know what the answer would be.
The First Queen is here, hovering close. I have the overwhelming urge to put her in jail. Because of the combination of the two, I find myself saying, “You are forgiven.” Can’t have Androlla ruling my life more than she already does. I add, “But I’m not sure if I can be around you yet.”
“I understand. And thank you so much. It’s difficult to express my gratitude for your words.”
For the first time since she came in, I study her. Not just her expressions. It’s difficult not to be shocked by what I see. She’s thinner, her clothing frayed. She reminds me of the way Daros has been falling apart, and the comparison bothers me. I don’t want the two of them to be in the same category, so I find myself asking, “What has happened to you?”
Her cheeks are stained red. “I—I didn’t want to tell you, but I’ve been living on the streets since I was turned away from the palace.”
Guilt stabs at me, and I brush it aside, though it’s hard. It’s my fault she was on the street. No house. No food. “We should change that.”
Her eyes widen, and her eyebrows jump higher.
“I mean it,” I say. “I want you to come back and live at the palace.” Perhaps not near me, but there’s plenty of room. She should be able to live here without me seeing her at all.
And if I did see her, would it be so bad?
“You don’t have to do that,” she says.
“I want to.”
This time, her tears let loose. “Thank you. So much. Thank you. It will only be until I can find work and have an income.”
I hesitate but wave away her concern. “It’s not a problem to have you here. I’ll make arrangements, and you can stay for as long as you need.”
“Thank you. I’m truly indebted to you.”
“Nonsense. You housed me for a couple years. It’s only fair I do the same.” Though I don’t plan on giving her away to an assassin master when I’m done having her around.
“Nevertheless, I owe you all my gratitude. I’m afraid I haven’t earned your trust as a mother, but I will do everything in my power to do so.” She stands and gives another curtsy. “Thank you for seeing me. I appreciate all you’re doing for me.”
I nod. My throat closes, so I can’t make a real response. She exits the room, and even as I make mental plans to have a servant take care of her, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing.