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AURIEL ISN'T THE ONLY one who thinks I should ditch Ben and move on to something else. While I'm sitting down for a rare dinner with dad and mom, Amber says the exact same thing—more or less.
“I just don't think you need this kind of additional stress when you're so close to finishing your Archangel training!” Amber says. “This boy sounds like he's intentionally causing problems for you. Someone else might be able to handle him better. An older male might be a better fit for him. He needs someone who can get through to him.”
I'm so pig-headed, I don't like to think anyone could do my job better than me. Refreshingly, my dad doesn't seem to care what I do. He's always been like that, though. He lets me make my own decisions.
Before I make up my mind, I need to talk to Ben at least one more time. I should probably find out what he wants. If he's willing to put me on trial, there's a strong chance he hates me, and I don't want to be stuck with a student who can't stand to be around me.
I warp myself to Ben's dorm and knock on his door. After what happened today, I don't think he would appreciate me appearing right next to his bed.
On the other side of the door, I hear Ben say, “The door's unlocked. Come in.”
I wonder if he would be so welcoming if he knew his visitor was me. When I enter his room, I swear I can feel my shoulders shrinking. Why? I don't have anything to apologize for, do I?
And yet, when I see Ben's face, apologizing is the first thing I'm tempted to do. He won't look at me. His eyes are shiny, as if they're threatened by tears, and his lips are frowning so deeply, he looks like an emoji.
“Ben... are you mad at me?” I ask.
“No.” He doesn't elaborate. He just gives me a one-word answer and goes back to playing his video game.
“Do you want to be reassigned?”
This time, he doesn't say anything at all. His video game character is punching and kicking and shouting in Japanese, but Ben is still and silent.
So I ask again, “Ben, do you want to be reassigned? Would you like a new instructor?”
“I don't know.” Ben's jaw twitches when he speaks. “I thought you cared about me. I thought you wanted me to succeed. I guess I was wrong.”
There's something really crushing about the tone of his voice. He sounds hurt. Genuinely. For the first time, I start to wonder if I'm the one who's been wrong this entire time. I'm usually a very confident person—confident to a fault. Ben is one of the only people who constantly makes me question myself.
“I do want you to succeed!” I tell him. “I do care!”
“Then why did you fail me? Why didn't you give me a chance?”
He's actually wiping his eyes now. I officially feel like the most horrid person in the world.
“Maybe I was being a prick. I get that,” Ben says. “But if I was so bad that you wanted to banish me, you should have told me. But you didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt. You just... got rid of me.”
Have you ever been in the middle of an argument and you suddenly wonder if you're the one who's an asshole—or maybe your opponent has a good point? This is one of those moments.
“I really want you to succeed, Ben,” I assure him. “That's why I'm asking if you want to be reassigned.”
“You wouldn't miss me even a little bit?” Ben asks. “It kind of sucks that you want to hand me off to someone else. I didn't realize I was that bad. When we were helping Katy, I thought we were getting along.”
“We were!” I exclaim. “But you hate me so much, you went to Auriel behind my back! After all that, why wouldn't I think you wanted to be reassigned?”
Ben's mouth makes an unreadable hissing noise. “I don't hate you,” he says, then he throws down his controller and sticks a lit cigarette in his mouth.
I'm having another weird moment where I think I might be a little turned on by him. Stop thinking Ben is sexy, Kaylene. Stop thinking Ben is sexy. I'm tempted to read his mind and find out if he feels the same way—even a little bit.
I say, “I think we should try again, Ben. Do you think... you'd be willing to give me another chance?”
Taking out his cigarette, Ben replies, “I should say the same thing to you. Would you be willing to give me another chance, or do you think I'm some kind of lost cause?”
There's still something in Ben's voice that sounds genuinely hurt. I kind of want to give him a hug, but there's no way I would do that. No. Way.
“You're not a lost cause at all.” My voice wavers when I say that. I hope he didn't notice.
“Good.” Ben reclaims his controller and goes back to playing his game. “Then I don't want to be reassigned.”
“Good.” I approach his bed, steal the controller from his hands, and stand in front of his tv. Grinning from ear-to-ear, I announce, “Then it's time for another mission.”